It can be more than a little daunting, finding a couples counsellor. First, there is making the decision to look for relationship therapy in the first place, then you have to find the right therapist for you. So, here are some step by step suggestions to help you find the right couples counsellor.

First, decide on face to face or online

If you are in different locations, online makes sense. It is often the obvious choice for couples who are temporarily estranged, or who have practical issues like childcare or odd working hours. A therapist can often offer more flexibility online. However, the big advantage people often don’t talk about is that you can use that time you would have normally used for getting to and from your session to prepare, process and digest.

Face and face is obviously much more personal, and you may find it easier to relax into a relationship with your therapist. They are also more likely to pick up on body language if you are all together. That can help bring issues into the room that perhaps you didn’t even know you wanted to bring up. It can also help to have these types of conversations away from the home, and keep them contained.

I work both online and face to face, from my room in Folkestone, Kent.

Second, think about what type of therapy you want

Now there are hundreds of different types of approaches to therapy. Do you want to spend a lot of time looking at the past, including childhood influences and family dynamics and how they have influenced you and your relationship for instance? Perhaps you would prefer something that is mainly focused on the emotions under the surface? Or would you prefer an approach that is focused on learning skills and tweaking behaviours to create a new way of being with each other?

Most therapies will have parts of all of these, but one approach will be their main focus. I, for instance, am Gottman informed, and take the latter approach, looking at things we can do to change things right now, testing out new ways of being with each other. We look at what’s gone on to create this situation, of course, and there may be some trauma work to do there. We also work with the emotions and building strong, healthy bonds, but my main focus is on helping you make changes.

Thirdly, meet some therapists

Most couples counsellors offer a free chat or zoom session and this is where you can get to know them. One of the big factors in successful therapy is the relationship between clients and therapist. You need someone you feel you can trust, are both happy to work with, and understands your particular situation. Sometimes there may be other issues going on, like polyamory, bereavement or eating issues, so ask if they work with this area.

Make your decision

Of course price and the therapist’s own availablity come into play here, but you should find yourself drawn to one or two in particular. Book a session! If you don’t think you’re a good fit, then there’s no need to go back. Some therapists work on a set minimum session model, say six or ten, so take that into consideration. I don’t do this as I like my clients to have autonomy.

If you’d like to book a free consultation with me, you can do so here. 

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Money can be difficult enough for us as individuals, but when two people come together, each with their own issues around money, it can lead to problems in a relationship. Sometimes, it’s about not having enough, of course, but not always. Different spending and saving patterns can feel like chasms. There may be disagreement over parenting and how to instil money values, or even problems when one of you values money over time due to deep set financial insecurity.

All of these can result in:

• Avoiding difficult money conversations
• Disagreeing over money, time, children, or legacy
• Feeling tension without perhaps knowing why
• Resentment
• Disagreement over things like when to retire
• Struggling to feel “seen” by each other
• Very real problems with finances

Sometimes the challenge isn’t dysfunction. It’s simply that things feel off, and you need someone skilled enough to help you name what’s happening, and why.

Couples Therapy Around Money

The work we do together is thoughtful, systemic, and rooted in an understanding of finances, power, and emotional nuance. At the same time, it is very practical, and we will be working on tweaking habits and behaviours that perhaps no longer serve you as a couple.

This is not about blame. It’s about creating space for reflection, pattern recognition, and meaningful change in a safe, private environment.

Individual Financial Therapy

Perhaps you know that your money behaviours are contributing to conflict in your relationship, but you’d the space to address them alone rather than as a couple. That’s perfectly possible.

If you’re interested in addressing issues around money and finances, you can book a chat with me here.

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Does it feel like menopause or perimenopause has crept into your life and turned even your closest relationship upside down? You’re not imagining it, and you certainly don’t have to face it alone, whether it’s you that is going through this transition, or your partner.

Hormones and intimacy

Menopause is more than hot flushes and sleepless nights. Beyond the physical changes, it brings emotional turbulence and these shifts can have an uncomfortable way of threading into your relationship. Suddenly, familiar routines feel awkward. There are emotional closeness frays and communication hits unexpected snags.

This is unknown territory for both of you, and of course it will be. Perimenopause and menopause bring with them big questions around identity as much as physical and emotional symptoms: a real existential moment.

These shifts can feel subtle at first, but then overwhelming before you know it. You might find yourselves drifting into misunderstanding, irritation, or even isolation. This is not because love has faded, but because navigating these changes without support is deeply challenging.

What isn’t happening

It’s not that your love or commitment is failing.  Likewise, it’s not happening because you’re not trying hard enough. Finally, it isn’t about “rescuing” each other. It’s about rediscovering connection during a time of profound change.

How couples therapy helps during menopause and perimenopause

We might look at:

• Practical tools to ease tension—like grounding techniques during hot flushes or emotional regulation skills when an argument feels triggered by inner overwhelm.
• A compassionate space to explore what’s going on to gently notice the interplay between hormonal shifts, identity, intimacy, and boundaries.
• Strategic, tailor-made steps to help you feel better sooner—not distant or defensive, but held and understood.
• Emerging new identities, both for the person going through menopause or perimenopause, but also what this means for your identity as a couple.

Since we work using the Human Givens model, you may find this clarity and reconnection starts sooner than you’d expect, with fewer sessions needed.

You don’t have to navigate this alone

You can come together, or one of you can take the first step. In-person sessions are available in Hythe and Folkestone, or you can meet online in the comfort of your home.

If this feels familiar, I invite you to reach out for a free 15-minute introductory chat. Message me here to book one in.

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Hello, I’m Paula Gardner and I’m a couples and relationship therapist seeing clients in Kent and online. As well as a therapist, I’m a business psychologist and that mindset actually makes my approach to couples therapy quite different from many others.

I work with evidence-based tools that I know have successful track records in helping couples communicate better, stop worrying, soothe themselves and set up routines that help support the life together they want to have. We talk about getting your needs met right now, and look at what’s going to help your situation and improve things as soon as possible. Together, we set experiments, drawn from whatever we cover in our sessions, and these are really practical ways to help embed what you learn together.

Is couples therapy the right choice?

Coming to couples therapy can be a really positive step. You are learning new skills and ways of behaving that are going to improve things for the both you…your family too, if you have one. Businesses constantly invest in upskilling so why shouldn’t you?

This solution-focused, practical approach means that couples counselling with me is not prolonged. Clients often see results in a small number of sessions, and, because we focus on the here and now, rather than the distant past, it suits people who want to see changes without a short amount of time.

For Individuals

It’s not all couples that I see. Perhaps your partner doesn’t want to come? Even with one person attending we can create small shifts that have a domino effect. Maybe you’d like some space to figure out if a relationship is right for you? We can do that, and look at the realities of the paths for you whichever direction you choose. If you’re going through a difficult break-up, therapy can help you process, recalibrate and let go.

What about me?

The therapeutic relationship matters so it’s important that you choose someone you both like and respect. That’s something you can never properly capture on a web-page. You can book an online chat with me to see how the dynamic might work between us.  I am warm, supportive and friendly, yes, but I’m also very straight-forward, practical and strategic. This is more than a nice chat, but we may well laugh along the way.

Sessions for a couple are 75 minutes. See up to date fees here.

You can book a zoom online chat here.

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I talk to many people who wish their partners would switch off their phone to save their relationship. However, it is easier said than done. Many of us find it hard to switch off from social media.  Even if we are not posting, we may be watching the news, keeping an eye on comments, or our favourite accounts. While it’s good mental health advice to switch off, for many, staying connected can also be part of our job too.

However, it’s not great for us. That connection with our phone can easily supplant connection with our loved ones. Screen time can wreak havoc on our sleep, and it’s all too easy to get sucked into comparing ourselves with others as we read about another couple’s amazing holiday to some beautiful tropical island. Our phones flicker at a rate that hypnotises us, something you may have experienced if you just popped on to quickly check Instagram and then suddenly realise that you’ve been scrolling for half an hour.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t do any harm to take a moment to think about how you interact with social media. How can you switch off from it?

Setting boundaries

By setting boundaries, we can transform the way we use these platforms, allowing them to serve us rather than consume us.

1. First and foremost, designate specific times for checking social media

Instead of constantly dipping in and out of your accounts, allocate fixed periods during the day. This allows you to remain intentional and focused on each other. If you have children, it’s also modelling healthy phone behaviour for them too.

It will take some self-discipline to embed this at first, but after a while it will become a habit and free up that social media free space for each other.

2. Turn off non-essential notifications

I no longer have any notifications on my phone. They are just too distracting. Even if you are able to ignore them going off and carry on with your conversation, there will be a part of your brain that is distracted by them. This means that they can easily disrupt your concentration and focus.

Decide when you engage, not the other way around.

3. Social media free zones

Creating social media-free zones within your home is another powerful strategy. I’ve long had a zero phones rule at the dining room table, but you could do the same for after 8pm, or on a Sunday perhaps.

Have you ever noticed that when one person gets their phone out, others follow suit? Physical boundaries can aid us in mentally clocking out from the digital world, encouraging presence in our immediate surroundings. This could simply be a phone free room.

4. Digital detoxes

Small but regular digital detoxes can give our brains that space to process. Commit to disconnecting for a few hours, a day, or even a weekend. If someone really needs you, they can phone!

Use this time to indulge in hobbies, relax, and reset together.

5. Cull like crazy

Lastly, be selective about who you follow. Not all content is beneficial. Unfollowing accounts that don’t add value is a game-changer.

You may not have control over what you see and follow from a workplace point of view. However, you can curate your personal feed to include voices and accounts that inspire, amuse or uplift you.

By doing this, you fill your social media experience with positivity and meaningful engagement.

As well as craving some time out for each other, this will boost your mental health. You’ll have more mental capacity to process whatever comes along. I promise, the results will be worth it.

If phone use is impacting your life and relationships, book a chat with me here to see how I can help. I see people in person in hythe and Folkestone, and online via Zoom and WhatsApp video.

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Are you in a place where you know you both need support, but are unsure whether therapy or coaching is better for your relationship? Qualified and experienced in both, I feel that I am in a good position to answer this.

When you need therapy for your relationship

To be clear here, the therapy is for your relationship, and it’s this we focus on. The problem is that whatever you are going through is affecting your relationship. Examples of issues would include a breakdown in trust or lack of communication skills. It could be that something that is impacting one of you, and the relationship is also suffering. This could be one of you reeling from a trauma, redundancy or bereavement, for example.

Sometimes you know these difficulties are temporary but you still want help to support you through them. On occasions, you know that simply following “tips and tricks” is not going to be enough. You need help to change patterns and behaviours, or shift something that just won’t go away.

Affecting daily life

Perhaps you are feeling the signs that something is wrong. It’s showing up in your life in ways you can’t ignore. Strong feelings of anxiety whenever you think about something that might have happened. Or you’re stuck in the same argument over and over again. Perhaps you can’t even fake a smile in the morning, even for a person you should love. Or you are feeling resentful that you are carrying the burden, while your partner or family seems to take this for granted. This is where therapy can help you both. .

The type of therapy I work with, Human Givens,  isn’t simply sitting in a room and talking. There will be exercises, tools and even homework. However, it’s all designed (and agreed on, between us) to help make shifts. There will be sessions together, but there may also be times when I see you both separately to work on something that will benefit the relationship.

When you need coaching for your relationship

For some couples, the therapy comes first before they are in a position to move into coaching. This can work well. However, perhaps your issues aren’t so deep. Maybe you’ve just had a few bad months and need help with unravelling what’s led to them. Or, external factors are affecting you both and you’d like space to think these through.

Coaching can be most helpful when you’re in a place to move forwards. Yes, there can be deep work with coaching, and it can produce amazing mindset shifts. It works especially when you know that it’s mainly communication skills that you want to work on.

Book a chat

As you can see, it’s not always cut and dried, but I can certainly give you an idea of how we would work on an initial chat. You can book yours here.

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Musing on toxic friendships

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