It can be more than a little daunting, finding a couples counsellor. First, there is making the decision to look for relationship therapy in the first place, then you have to find the right therapist for you. So, here are some step by step suggestions to help you find the right couples counsellor.

First, decide on face to face or online

If you are in different locations, online makes sense. It is often the obvious choice for couples who are temporarily estranged, or who have practical issues like childcare or odd working hours. A therapist can often offer more flexibility online. However, the big advantage people often don’t talk about is that you can use that time you would have normally used for getting to and from your session to prepare, process and digest.

Face and face is obviously much more personal, and you may find it easier to relax into a relationship with your therapist. They are also more likely to pick up on body language if you are all together. That can help bring issues into the room that perhaps you didn’t even know you wanted to bring up. It can also help to have these types of conversations away from the home, and keep them contained.

I work both online and face to face, from my room in Folkestone, Kent.

Second, think about what type of therapy you want

Now there are hundreds of different types of approaches to therapy. Do you want to spend a lot of time looking at the past, including childhood influences and family dynamics and how they have influenced you and your relationship for instance? Perhaps you would prefer something that is mainly focused on the emotions under the surface? Or would you prefer an approach that is focused on learning skills and tweaking behaviours to create a new way of being with each other?

Most therapies will have parts of all of these, but one approach will be their main focus. I, for instance, am Gottman informed, and take the latter approach, looking at things we can do to change things right now, testing out new ways of being with each other. We look at what’s gone on to create this situation, of course, and there may be some trauma work to do there. We also work with the emotions and building strong, healthy bonds, but my main focus is on helping you make changes.

Thirdly, meet some therapists

Most couples counsellors offer a free chat or zoom session and this is where you can get to know them. One of the big factors in successful therapy is the relationship between clients and therapist. You need someone you feel you can trust, are both happy to work with, and understands your particular situation. Sometimes there may be other issues going on, like polyamory, bereavement or eating issues, so ask if they work with this area.

Make your decision

Of course price and the therapist’s own availablity come into play here, but you should find yourself drawn to one or two in particular. Book a session! If you don’t think you’re a good fit, then there’s no need to go back. Some therapists work on a set minimum session model, say six or ten, so take that into consideration. I don’t do this as I like my clients to have autonomy.

If you’d like to book a free consultation with me, you can do so here. 

The post How To Find A Couples Counsellor appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Does it feel like menopause or perimenopause has crept into your life and turned even your closest relationship upside down? You’re not imagining it, and you certainly don’t have to face it alone, whether it’s you that is going through this transition, or your partner.

Hormones and intimacy

Menopause is more than hot flushes and sleepless nights. Beyond the physical changes, it brings emotional turbulence and these shifts can have an uncomfortable way of threading into your relationship. Suddenly, familiar routines feel awkward. There are emotional closeness frays and communication hits unexpected snags.

This is unknown territory for both of you, and of course it will be. Perimenopause and menopause bring with them big questions around identity as much as physical and emotional symptoms: a real existential moment.

These shifts can feel subtle at first, but then overwhelming before you know it. You might find yourselves drifting into misunderstanding, irritation, or even isolation. This is not because love has faded, but because navigating these changes without support is deeply challenging.

What isn’t happening

It’s not that your love or commitment is failing.  Likewise, it’s not happening because you’re not trying hard enough. Finally, it isn’t about “rescuing” each other. It’s about rediscovering connection during a time of profound change.

How couples therapy helps during menopause and perimenopause

We might look at:

• Practical tools to ease tension—like grounding techniques during hot flushes or emotional regulation skills when an argument feels triggered by inner overwhelm.
• A compassionate space to explore what’s going on to gently notice the interplay between hormonal shifts, identity, intimacy, and boundaries.
• Strategic, tailor-made steps to help you feel better sooner—not distant or defensive, but held and understood.
• Emerging new identities, both for the person going through menopause or perimenopause, but also what this means for your identity as a couple.

Since we work using the Human Givens model, you may find this clarity and reconnection starts sooner than you’d expect, with fewer sessions needed.

You don’t have to navigate this alone

You can come together, or one of you can take the first step. In-person sessions are available in Hythe and Folkestone, or you can meet online in the comfort of your home.

If this feels familiar, I invite you to reach out for a free 15-minute introductory chat. Message me here to book one in.

The post Is Menopause Ruining Your Relationship? appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Many people’s experience of couples therapy is through watching the TV programme on Iplayer. Putting aside the ethical issues around confidentiality for a moment, it’s interesting to consider whether real life couples therapy is like the TV programme?

First off, your own session will be private! Any therapist is bound by rules around confidentiality that keeps you safe. However, just like Dr Orna Guralnik, the show’s therapist, every decent therapist will have supervision. This means that they share your story with their own supervisor. Sometimes this supervisor can offer a different perspective, or suggest an avenue to explore that might be helpful. They are also a check and balance to ensure that the therapist is working with you ethically and safely.

Secondly, the range of issues that couples bring to counselling can be as diverse as those on the show. It’s not always about affairs and betrayals. Our past, especially our childhoods, can instil patterns of behaviour that keep us stuck. These sometimes themselves raise issues and conflicts within a relationship. Likewise, a couple can feel like they’ve grown apart and want to use the therapy session as a place to explore how they can recapture their intimacy.

Working with different types of couples therapy

There are many different approaches out there. For a start, they might be called couples counsellors, couples therapists or even marriage guidance counsellors. Some take your early years as their focus, looking at the impact of childhood on attachment patterns for instance. My apparich is Solution Focused. This means that, while we will look at what’s brought you to where you are now, the attention is on what you can do right now to help things change.

This might involve trying out new ways of communication for instance, or some reflective work to notice when certain behaviors are triggered. Although Dr Orna sometimes gives homework, this is a big part of our work together. I believe real change is only made when we embed it into our lives.

We also do work around getting your needs met. These are needs like security, connection, community, meaning and purpose – how can you get these met so that your relationship becomes more of a choice and a joy?

Is Couples Therapy Like the TV Programme?

Of course one might imagine that the couples on the programme have been chosen because they are able to talk on camera, are comfortable opening up, and even, perhaps, promise a little drama. It can be very different in real life couples counselling sessions. One partner may find it difficult to open up, and I have to help them with that before we can unravel what might be going on. A couple that sounds like they are great communicators may, in fact, be very good at talking about everything except what needs to be brought out into the open. Subject matter meanders: one person’s experience of a stressful job may be impacting the relationship. Another person’s trauma may need to be dealt with.

The show tends to concentrate on a few strands for each couple, so that you can see how they move through the issues. Typically, there are multiple strands that we are dealing with. The good thing about this though, is the domino effect. When you make changes in one place, it impacts other things and momentum builds.

Face to face or online couples therapy?

Dr Orna tends to see people face to face, apart from one season which was filmed during Covid. I see clients both online and face to face. This is simply a practical thing. With our busy lives it can be challenging to find times that both people can make in person, especially if there are children involved.

If we work online, I always suggest that people use the time they would have spent travelling to the session, as a time for reflection or grounding, depending on what they need right then.

The Endings

Of course, the TV show has an end of series deadline. Couples therapy is often not quite so definite. A couple might pop back for top up sessions when life issues threaten to throw them off course, and that’s always fine. However, Solution-Focused work, which is what I do, works on giving you tools and changing behaviours so that, even if you want to come back, you do still have tools and a depth of understanding you can bring to any situation, and this will be with you for life.

Free couples consultation

If you’d like to meet me and see if we would be a good fit to work together, you can book in a free online consultation here. If you can’t see a time that suits, or want an earlier one, contact me and I’ll find a slot for you.

The post Is Couples Therapy Like the TV Programme? appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

I’ve had many a client (and I’ve been there myself) who has said to me that they know they could get what they wanted if they put their mind to it. The problem was they didn’t know what that was.  I believe this is a side effect of modern life. We have so many options, so many choices. Additionally, when we consider them, many of them may seem right, appealing and perfectly acceptable. But acceptable and right isn’t enough.

Work out what you want

I recently sat down with a friend who wanted to downsize. Her plan was to move out of the city to a little place in the country where she could get a dog. She had started to set up her work to be more online and was looking at her finances in detail. She was also hoping to set herself up with a decent pension pot by this move.

She was determined that this was what she wanted for herself. She had thought it through very logically and sensibly. However, after a while talking about about the idea, she stopped. Embarrassed, she admitted she wasn’t feeling excited at all. I asked her if she wanted to explore this. Perhaps she was scared? After all, it would be a big change of lifestyle. She would be leaving friends behind, the glamour of her city meetings and her network. No, she said, being able to own my own house outright and have a dog is more important. Then she stopped and, tears welling up in her eyes, said “it just feels so small. Have I worked all my life for this, my own house and my dog? I know I want them, but once upon a time I wanted so much more.”

“I wanted to be a writer.” The sentence hung in the air. I could hear the both of us breathing. She was thinking. I was trying desperately not to jump in and say the obvious.

“But there’s no reason I can’t be is there…?” she asked.

From that moment, her map changed, it was a different map, more exciting, involving joining a writing meetup, reconnecting with old contacts in the literary arena and setting herself a writing plan. A book idea she had kept hidden for years bubbled to the surface and suddenly her move to the country to set herself for old age had become a move to the country to hopefully create a new career as a writer. Now she smiled.

Online therapy to work out what you want

Your destination should be exciting. It should feel like an adventure. If you’re coming to therapy to get away from something, to deal with uncomfortable feelings, then this is ok. However, know that therapy also has the power to improve your life, not just bring it back to normal.

The Playful Bit

If you’ve seen the film Sliding Doors you’ll remember that Gwyneth Paltro has a moment where she misses the train…and an alternative reality where she doesn’t. From that point onwards her life diverges in two very different ways. Imagine this is your sliding door moment. What could your different paths be?

You can contact me here, or book your first online therapy session with me here.

The post Work Out What You Want appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

I first came across the idea, rather than the name, when my father announced that he hated the Autumn as it was the precursor to him feeling down over the winter months. It was only in my 30s that I started to experience the same thing. So, what exactly is SAD?

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression. It generally happens at a specific time of year, usually during the Autumn and winter months when daylight hours are shorter and we tend to spend more time indoors. It makes sense doesn’t it. We have less exposure to natural light at this time. This can disrupt the body’s internal clock and even prevent hormones like melatonin being released at the right time. Melatonin affects our sleep and lack of sleep can impact all aspects of our life.  It is most commonly associated with the winter months, but some people may experience a form of SAD during the summer, especially if they find themselves housebound or working in a basement, for instance.

Common symptoms of SAD are:

1. Persistent sadness or low mood.
2. Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities. You withdraw and also loose the structure and connection those activities used to bring to your life.
3. Increased fatigue and a desire to sleep more.
4. Finding it harder to get going in the morning.
5. Difficulty concentrating and making decisions, perhaps even brain fog.
6. Changes in appetite and weight, often with a craving for carbohydrates, or “stodge.”
7. Social withdrawal and irritability.
8. Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness.
9. Physical symptoms like aches and pains.

Even if symptoms are small, such as feeling more tired than usual, they can have a knock-on effect on your life. You end up being less productive, for instance, and this impacts your self-esteem.

How to help SAD

For many people, it’s surprisingly simple and easy to feel better. Here are some ideas:

Light Therapy (Phototherapy)

Light therapy involves exposure to a bright light box that mimics natural sunlight. It can be a highly effective treatment for SAD.  I bought a simple lightbox from Amazon for under £30 and it’s been a faithful part of my office every winter for five years now. You only need a short time every morning, and it doubles as a great light for zoom calls!

Lifestyle Changes

It may sound pretty obvious but sometimes not so easy to do if you are working – get out into the daylight early in the morning. Perhaps you can adjust your working hours to start a bit later after a walk, or get off public transport or park further away and bring a walk into your daily routine. See what you can fit in lunch time too.

See people

Do not withdraw as this makes things worse. If you’re not feeling that sociable, do something where you can be around people, but perhaps not relying on talking so much, like an activity. Or, still see people, but in shorter bursts.

Vitamin D

Some people with SAD may benefit from vitamin D supplements, as they can be deficient during the darker months.

Look at your stress levels

Stress can make things worse, and winter brings its own worries. Concerns over paying energy bills, affording Christmas or even relationship issues as we spend more time together can feel hard at this time of year. Building up a menu of stress-reduction techniques like mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing can help. Talk to a friend and build in more exercise.

Support Groups

Not for everyone, but joining a SAD support group can provide emotional support and a sense of community with others who are experiencing similar challenges. This can be useful if you are feeling isolated and lonely already.

Your GP

If you’ve tried these natural ideas, then it could be an idea to talk to your GP. In some cases, antidepressant medications, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), may be prescribed to alleviate symptoms.

Counselling or Psychotherapy

Working with someone like myself can help you develop coping strategies for managing SAD symptoms. If the depressed mood is bringing other things to the surface, we can work with these.

Hope

It’s important to remember that SAD is a real and treatable condition. If you’d like to talk about how I could help you, contact me here, or book in a chat here. I offer counselling in Folkestone and Hythe, as well as online therapy.

The post Will therapy help with SAD? appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

The post Rewind: the fast alternative to EMDR appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

The post Is Therapy Worth The Cost? appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

I often speak to possible clients who ask me how does online therapy work, and does it work as well as in person counselling? While some of my clients are from Hythe or Folkestone, and come to see me in one of my consulting rooms, many are further afield and we work online.

A typical online counselling session

Previous to the session I’ll send you an email invite with the Zoom login details. At the set time we’ll both login and begin the session. Just like my face to face sessions, we will probably begin with taking measures. These are like scores where we look at specific things like your anxiety levels, needs or symptoms of trauma. We may take these every week, or every few weeks depending on the nature of our work together. Over the sessions, we can then plot your improvement and we can literally see, on a chart, the results of your therapy.

We’ll then move onto the main part of the counselling session. You may have or chose to set a goal to work towards and that session is devoted to that. Or, perhaps, something has happened in the last week that it’s important to bring to the session. This is your time. However, we will still be looking to work on what’s brought you here in the first place too!

We will wrap up just like a face to face to face session, looking at some homework and setting the date and time of our next session. I will then send that invite and zoom link to you.

What do you need for an online therapy session?

A quiet and comfortable place is the most important thing, along with an internet connection. That said, I have had clients who prefer the phone and we can always do that, or revert if we have connection issues. It doesn’t happen very often, but occasionally the tech gremlins pick on us.

It’s important to pick a place where you feel you can talk freely, and that you won’t be overheard. It also helps me to be able to see your face and shoulders. I may take you through how to position your laptop in the right place if necessary. Notifications should be off, especially if you’re using your phone, and ideally, you shouldn’t have to answer the doorbell or anything like that.

That said, life is life, and we work with what we have!

What’s so great about an online therapy call?

People sometimes worry that we won’t be able to make a connection, that it’s not as good as being in the same room. I haven’t found this, and many of my clients love its benefits. These include:

• No need to travel back and forth to the session
• You can build in downtime before and after the session to think about what’s come up
• If you’re anxious, you are in your own space
• No paying out for a commute, parking or the possibloe coffee and cake if you arrive early and need to occupy yourself
• Many people are very comfortable online now, and actively prefer this
• You can have your pet with you if it calms you and they are happy to sit quietly during the session.

I see my my own supervisor online and have found it very effective and practical.

Why not book yourself in for a no-obligation 15 minute chat to see what it’s like to work with me online? You can do that here.

The post How Online Therapy Works? appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.