I’ve had many a client (and I’ve been there myself) who has said to me that they know they could get what they wanted if they put their mind to it. The problem was they didn’t know what that was.  I believe this is a side effect of modern life. We have so many options, so many choices. Additionally, when we consider them, many of them may seem right, appealing and perfectly acceptable. But acceptable and right isn’t enough.

Work out what you want

I recently sat down with a friend who wanted to downsize. Her plan was to move out of the city to a little place in the country where she could get a dog. She had started to set up her work to be more online and was looking at her finances in detail. She was also hoping to set herself up with a decent pension pot by this move.

She was determined that this was what she wanted for herself. She had thought it through very logically and sensibly. However, after a while talking about about the idea, she stopped. Embarrassed, she admitted she wasn’t feeling excited at all. I asked her if she wanted to explore this. Perhaps she was scared? After all, it would be a big change of lifestyle. She would be leaving friends behind, the glamour of her city meetings and her network. No, she said, being able to own my own house outright and have a dog is more important. Then she stopped and, tears welling up in her eyes, said “it just feels so small. Have I worked all my life for this, my own house and my dog? I know I want them, but once upon a time I wanted so much more.”

“I wanted to be a writer.” The sentence hung in the air. I could hear the both of us breathing. She was thinking. I was trying desperately not to jump in and say the obvious.

“But there’s no reason I can’t be is there…?” she asked.

From that moment, her map changed, it was a different map, more exciting, involving joining a writing meetup, reconnecting with old contacts in the literary arena and setting herself a writing plan. A book idea she had kept hidden for years bubbled to the surface and suddenly her move to the country to set herself for old age had become a move to the country to hopefully create a new career as a writer. Now she smiled.

Online therapy to work out what you want

Your destination should be exciting. It should feel like an adventure. If you’re coming to therapy to get away from something, to deal with uncomfortable feelings, then this is ok. However, know that therapy also has the power to improve your life, not just bring it back to normal.

The Playful Bit

If you’ve seen the film Sliding Doors you’ll remember that Gwyneth Paltro has a moment where she misses the train…and an alternative reality where she doesn’t. From that point onwards her life diverges in two very different ways. Imagine this is your sliding door moment. What could your different paths be?

You can contact me here, or book your first online therapy session with me here.

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I often get asked by parents who want to know why teenagers self-harm. I can give them a bit of a steer as to why, in general, teengagers self-harm, but every child is different. There are many reasons behind self-harming. It’s also important to remember that we all self-harm to some extent or other. Staying up late to binge watch that box-set when you’ve got an important meeting in the morning? That’s a form of self-harm. Failing to do any form of self-care? That’s a form of self-harm.  As is continuously being attracted to the wrong type of person, eating unhealthily, smoking, vaping…and the list goes on.

So, what do all these have in common? They all provide some type of relief in the short-term. That could be a sense of comfort, familiarity or even a feeling of switching off. These are, of course, on the milder end of the spectrum, but it’s useful to know that we all indulge in self-harming behaviours.  In the meantime, back to the teenagers and the reasons why they might be drawn to this behaviour.

It helps them cope with emotional pain

Teenagers may use self-harm as a way to cope with overwhelming emotions such as sadness, anger, anxiety, or frustration. It can serve as a temporary release from emotional pain. When we self-harm, it can lead to the release of endorphins, which are the body’s natural painkillers and mood elevators. This can create a temporary sense of relief and euphoria.

Seeking Attention or Help

In some cases, self-harm can be a way for teenagers to communicate their need for help or support when they find it challenging to express their struggles in other ways. It’s a shame that we so often dismiss this need for attention, as it’s an intrinsic human need. If someone needs attention, that surely is what we should be giving them, especially if they are self-harming to get it.

If communication skills are lacking, self-harm may serve as a visible expression of inner emotional turmoil. It can be a way for individuals to communicate their distress when words fail them.

Peer Pressure

Social pressure, bullying, or the desire to fit in can also be reasons your teenager might start to self-harm. If it is isolating being the only one who doesn’t do it, then why not try it, just this once?

Mental Health Issues

Issues such as depression, anxiety, or borderline personality disorder can contribute to self-harm. Addressing these underlying issues often results in this behaviour fading away. Engaging in self-harm can provide a distraction from overwhelming emotional pain. The focus on physical pain may divert attention from intense emotions, at least temporarily.

It gives a sense of control

For some, self-harm can provide a sense of control in situations where they may feel powerless or overwhelmed. The act of self-harm can be a way to regain a perceived sense of control over their own bodies and emotions.

Self-Punishment

In some cases, self-harm may be driven by feelings of guilt, shame, or self-loathing. The act of self-harm can serve as a form of self-punishment for perceived wrongs or failures.

It’s natural as a parent to be very worried if your child self-harms. If they have told you about it, that’s a good thing. It can serve as a starting point for conversations around the situations above, to help you and your teenager navigate this challenge. Working with a therapist can also be very useful, as they will create a safe, independent space where your child can feel heard and explore their feelings without worries around upsetting you.

I am happy to chat if you think or know that your child is self-harming. I can work with your teenager. If your teenager is getting support already, I also work with parents who perhaps need extra support through this difficult time. Please  contact me and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible, or you can book a Zoom session here. I see clients in person in Hythe and Folkestone, and also offer online and telephone sessions.

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Guilt is an emotion and belongs with the other sad emotions like grief and loneliness. There are many types of guilt. There’s guilt for something you might have done, guilt for something you didn’t do, guilt for something you even just thought about. For the moment, let’s look at one type of guilt that I think has a strong pull when we can’t even take some time out. That is the guilt of not doing enough. Psychologists actually believe that this guilt is a sign of something called Compassion Fatigue which is a form of burn-out.

You can see compassion fatigue at work in black and white when you see someone caring for a dying relative. They may be doing everything in their power to ease the sick person’s distress, but it’s still not enough. Frankly, it’s never going to be enough. The fact that it is not enough induces a feeling of guilt that is hard to carry. This desire to help their sick relative is never going to be alleviated and there is dissonance, a gap, between what they want and what’s happening. Taken to an extreme, this is now the stress disorder of compassion fatigue.

On a more domestic, daily level our desires to help others, nurture our family and take care of loved ones mean that anything less than (unobtainable) perfection often create guilt that we are not doing enough. This feeling can be intensified when we do something for ourselves, instead of pouring ourselves into this never ending pit of wanting to help others.

Dealing with guilt around looking after ourselves

The question is, how do we deal with that feeling of guilt for taking time out for ourselves? We can attack it head on, using logic and reminding ourselves that it is the gap between what we can do and we would like to do, nothing more. It is an emotion created by this dissonance. However, that also means that we can push past it and just get on with our self-care anyway.

What could be a better approach is something of the two and try to look at the situation objectively, as if you were looking at a friend’s life. What would you sensibly expect her to do for her family and what boundaries would you suggest where she might draw the line? What combination of time and energy spent on others and on herself would you suggest?

This isn’t necessary a prescription for the actual feeling of guilt, but it may help to know that what you are feeling is the emotion created by a desire to do more. A desire that could never be completely fulfilled anyway.

Another thing to recognise about guilt is that it doesn’t have to be self-destructive. It can make us think about using our time with loved-one in a more quality way, for instance, getting out and doing a bike ride together rather than sitting on the sofa playing on your phones.

Use it as a marker that says you need to give what’s going on a little thought.

If you’d like to throw a light on your own feelings of guilt and what might soothe them, please book a no-cost call with me here, or contact me here.

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I recently worked with a number of young people on the government’s Kickstarter scheme. One of them is Elena Blidaru, who has very bravely volunteered to write here about living with anxiety and what she has found useful.

Elena’s Story of living with anxiety

Life has us going through different situations, and that’s okay. Feeling a little bit nervous is beneficial from time to time, but how does it affect someone when it’s all the time? For a long time, I didn’t even know I had been living with social anxiety my whole life. I brushed it off as just being shy, and I know I can’t be the only one. What helped me is knowing I wasn’t alone. I developed and looked for different little methods to get me a step closer to a healthier frame of mind.

Dealing with anxiety in daily life

Sometimes, funnily enough, your anxiety gives you anxiety. I’ve done my research: breathing techniques and meditation seem to have a positive impact on our bodies when symptoms of anxiety turn physical. A trick that really helps when I feel anxiety getting the best of me is to use the grounding technique. That means simply engaging all your 5 senses. This is useful for when you’re stressed, too!

I’ve realised that learning to cope with and understand anxiety is a tedious process. When you can’t overcome it on your own, first advice would be to seek a professional. As scary as it sounds, it’s the best way to take care of yourself and your mental health when things become overwhelming.

What’s the pandemic’s impact?

Well, the lockdown period was a dark time. For many of us it was a huge change. It took a huge toll on our mental health. Physical distancing and remote work (or no work) further amplified stress and anxiety levels, or even contributed in developing other whole new problems like substance abuse, trauma or depression. Do know that you are not alone and give it some time. What we are going through is a period of future history.

Anxiety at work

Anxiety and low self-esteem go hand in hand. Be proud of what you manage to do well at work, ask for feedback and don’t stress about every little thing that doesn’t go well. Most likely everybody at work has already forgotten about that little incident you keep ruminating on (or didn’t even notice it). Manage your negative thoughts: voluntarily thinking positive thoughts instead of worrisome ones can help reduce anxiety. A better outlook on yourself can only have a better result on your anxiety. Try to have positive monologues. Be present and try to forget about what others might think of you. No one is as big of a critic of yourself as you are!

Stress and anxiety at work also go hand in hand, and affects your performance. A few ways I’ve managed to deal with anxiety at work, be more confident in myself and reduce stress levels is to:

• Arrive there early – nothing else calmed me down for the day easier than being there 20 minutes earlier, having a chat over a proper cup of coffee before my shift started
• Acknowledge all colleagues – try it, it makes a huge difference. Ask easy questions, build connections and relationships with people at work, ask simple questions and be mindful of their presence on a daily basis. Remember to connect and reach out to them when needed
• Seek clarity – don’t feel bad asking questions, seek additional information when you are unsure of anything (in fact, most people feel good when answering a question they know the answer to)
• Know or find out: the expectations that the organization has of you, the responsibilities you hold, you must be clear on what your contribution must be. Know what and how much you can do at work, set realistic deadlines and don’t put pressure on yourself by keeping rather strict deadlines that tend to border on the unrealistic.

Finally…

Accept your feelings and bad emotions as they come, acknowledge them and let them go just the same way, without consuming yourself. Sometimes our biggest enemies are our anxious thoughts; we can’t stop them from coming, but we can remember that they’re exactly what they are…just thoughts!

Elena has dealt with anxiety through her own research and determination. However, if you’re really struggling with anxiety right now and would like some support, please do reach out and contact me.

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If there’s one thing I always wanted to instil within my own children, it was a love of reading. I see reading as excellent self-care. Reading can transport you away from the stress and anxieties of daily life. With a good book, this can even happen within a couple of pages. For many, reading can be more accessible than meditation.  It may not produce those alpha or even theta brainwaves that are linked with meditation, but it has many benefits.

There are countless numbers of universes waiting to be discovered, all just by opening a book.

Too Stressed To Read?

First, just notice that very fact is telling you that something is wrong, and perhaps it’s time to do something about it. Is something in particular bothering you? Or are your anxiety levels just high all round? You can take action over a particular issues, talk it through with a friend or colleague, or up your levels of self-care and relaxing activities. If it feels too much, then talking it through with a counsellor, like myself, should help.

Nevertheless, perhaps there is some way you can still get some joy and relaxation out of reading. One idea is to swap books for nespapers or magazines, perhaps. Sometimes, this can work well. However, do be careful about what you read. Newspapers are often full of stories of death, tragedy and disaster, which may not be helpful at all.

Magazines can be more of an escape, but again do be careful. You will often see a lot of advertisers and journalists setting impossible standards. We are told to buy this, to look like this, to dress our homes like this. It’s often another pressure in our already pressured lives. Even if you think you’re immune, it can creep under your skin without you knowing.

Another idea is to change your genre. Perhaps you can’t cope with your usual modern classic at the moment, but you may be able to plough through a page-turning thriller or historical romance? Above all, I recomend Audible for my clients who are having a problem focusing on reading a book. It can be lovely being read to before you go to sleep at night. You can pass time on long journeys, and dip in while you are walking the dog. If you belong to a library, they have their own version too

Getting into the Habit

If you’d like to add reading to your self-care, it really helps to make it a ritual. Where could you read? In bed on a Sunday morning, or last thing at night?  In the bath?

The commute, of course, is another great time. Even if you don’t commute, you can use that same time to pick up a book. It’s about developing the reading habit and seeing how much enjoyment we can get.

You can even listen to Audible and combine it with getting some exercise on a walk or run!

Benefits of reading as self-care

The benefits of reading are huge. The enjoyment of reading a great story itself: something that is hard-wired into us all. It’s also the opportunity to learn about new places, people and cultures. Joining a book club, even online, is an easy way to find a community and connection. If you use Audible, you can listen with a partner, and discuss what you think as we you go along.

Should you read self-help books?

If you are finding this useful, and relaxing, then yes, or course. Whatever works for you. My main point is that clients read something that distracts and relaxes: something that helps them escape from whatever is causing them stress in their lives. For me, and many of my clients, it’s only fiction that does that.

Finally, reading can help with so many of our human needs. It can give us a sense of privacy, of escaping into our own private world. It can help us connect with others, providing fodder for conversations or introducing us to new friends through a book club. Reading to our children helps us focus our attention on them, a key need for them. I’ve known couple who read to each other, a lovely intimate thing to do. It can also provide us with a sense of achievement: that lovely feeling when you finish a book that you’ve really enjoyed, or even finally worked your way through Anna Karenina!

Have you noticed that you just can’t concentrate and are too stressed to read lately? Contact me to arrange a no-obligation call if you’d like to do some work to lower stress levels and get you back into reading again.

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If you are feeling down or lost in life, sor just can’t seem to feel much meaning any more, sometimes going right back to basics and defining your own unique values is a good place to start.

The problem is that it’s so easy to go through life without even thinking about our true values. What makes it even more complicated is that our values may change. The values you have as a parent are not going to be the same as those you had pre children. 

Consequently, I recommend doing the following exercise on a regular basis, say every couple of years.  

The Values Exercise

I’ve spoken about needs before, and values can overlap with needs, but not always. Here’s how you find yours…

Take a notebook or a sheet of paper and think about the things that are really important in your life. Not possessions or people, but concepts.  I’ve put together a list at the end of this article, just to get you thinking, but this isn’t exhaustive. You can put your own in here if something comes to mind.

I’d like you to write down twenty that resonate with you. If you can’t reach 20 that’s fine, but if you have more than 20, I want you to get that number down to 20. Some words may mean very similar things: bravery and fearlessness for instance. Choose the one that resonates most with you. If you’re not quite sure on the definition of a word, but you feel it applies, just go with what that word means to you.

Interpreting the Data

Once you’ve got your 20 top values I’d like you to half those and pick the ten that resonate the most. Here’s a list I put together that describe where I am today.

Health, Family, Growth, Freedom, Peace, Creativity, Learning, Fun, Connection, Clarity.

I’ve done this often enough that they are actually in order, my current top value at the start of the list. I’d like you to do the same too, ordering your values so that you can see which ones matter more.  

I invite you to look upon your values on a regular basis so copy them out and out them somewhere you will see them: on the wall next to your desk, in your diary, on your fridge…whatever works for you!

Think back over your life to jobs that you’ve loved and jobs you’ve hated. How do they stack up against your values? Did the job you hated stifle your creativity while the jobs you loved let it have free reign? How about people? Does someone irritate you because their emails and other forms of communication lack clarity? Do you always clash with your teenage son because he doesn’t want to spend enough time, in your eyes, with his family?

Everyone else has different values so it’s almost impossible to have completely aligned values, but it can be useful to remember that we are all operating from our values and what’s important to you may be meaningless for someone else.

Living your Values

If you’re not living your values, the question is, why not? Is there just not the possibility at the moment? Or perhaps this is something you need to fight for? If your last job had a very rigid structure to the day and a boss who was a bit of a micromanager, and your top three values include freedom, then this could be a valuable lesson in the sort of working environment you want next.

If health is one of your top values but every evening you collapse on the sofa with a glass of wine or packet of biscuits, then it’s clear you are not giving this value priority.

As I’m self-employed I have literally set up my life to represent my values even though I didn’t know it at the time. I work from home so I get to see my family and have time to swim or get to a class. My work is very creative and I am constantly learning. Of course, if you’re employed, or have a demanding family or personal circumstances, it can be hard. However, using our values to guide us can keep pur actions and decisions aligned with what we really want.

How to use your values

Quite frankly, they can now become a road map for future decisions. Thinking of working for a particular company? Check their company values or mission statement and see if it overlaps with your own (or at least doesn’t contradict it). Fancy moving to a career with more meaning?  The values will guide you to where to look for that meaning.

I have had clients who literally have started crying when they realise one of their top values doesn’t figure anywhere in their work or sometimes even life. It sounds unbelievable but actually it’s very common.

Values

Health, Family, Growth, Freedom, Peacefulness, Creativity, Learning, Fun, Connection, Clarity, Trust, Bravery, Neatness, Simplicity, Adventure, Independence, Challenge, Love, Fame, Tradition, Fearlessness, Service, Discovery, Daring, Spontaneity, Order, Hope, Diplomacy, Originality, Precision, Determination, Flexibility, Consistency, Polish, Excitement, Generosity, Endurance, Calmness, Empathy, Mastery, Beauty, Curiosity, Abundance, Variety, Accomplishment, Wisdom, Warmth, Expression, Attractiveness, Excellence, Uniqueness, Energy, Enthusiasm, Dignity, Education, Being the Best, Intelligence, Completion, Significance, Discipline, Composure, Availability, Recognition, Contribution, Vision, Diligence, Co-operation, Leadership, Affluence, Fun, Harmony.

 Accuracy, Drama, Credibility, Experience, Dependability, Expertise, Altruism, Action, Activeness, Helpfulness, Charity, Support, Diversity, Justice, Duty, Popularity, Balance, Calm, Acknowledgement, Intuition, Efficiency, Effectiveness, Achievement, Congruency, Clarity, Control, Decisiveness, Pragmatism, Drive, Adaptability, Growth, Freedom, Choice, Assertiveness, Comfort, Cosy, Belonging, Family, Imagination, Creativity, Teamwork, Time with others.

If you’d like help going through this exercise, or would like to talk about how to find more meaning in your life, you can book a call here, or contact me here.

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What does a typical day look like for you?

If it’s Monday or Friday it’s starts with clarity, confidence, connection and courage. An assembly with the Be Braver Collective by way of a group coaching check in I host. To top and tail the week. Everyone sets their intentions, checks in on what they need. Notices any fears, obstacles or challenges and attends to the success, wins and gains. It’s the best start and end to the week for us all. Friday we look back and see how far we’ve come, where we fell, got back up or rolled over laughing. After that it’s varied. Client coaching. Workshops. Speaking events. Programme delivery. Researching, writing. New business calls. Admin. Marketing. Collaboration calls. Parking ideas on post it notes. School runs. Pick ups and drop offs. Cooking. Cleaning. Washing. Tidying. Shopping. Breathing.

Why Is Mental Health So Important For Business Owners?

See above! No matter the size of your business or ownership model. Whether you are flying solo like me or working in a partnership – the responsibilities are all on you. The decisions you have to make endless. The risks, threats and uncertainties you are surrounded with never ending. It takes great courage, self awareness and other awareness to be able ride the lack of stability and security that’s comes with it. When our mental health suffers. Everyone does. How we experience being ourselves, the decisions we make for the business and the impact that might have on those relying on us for employment, service delivery, partnerships etc Answering this question has got me thinking about the analogy you can’t pour from an empty pot. You also need to make sure your pot is the right size and isn’t leaking anywhere in the first place. If we aren’t in shape then that’s not going to help anyone.

WHAT HAVE BEEN YOUR BIGGEST MENTAL HEALTH CHALLENGES?

Loss. PTSD. Anxiety. Being alone. Which isn’t the same as loneliness. Also as a parent and as a business owner. I’m proud of it. But it can be hard at times having no-one to share hardship and adversity with. Women are the primary carers ins society of the young and elderly. Running businesses. I’ve the utmost respect for the solos out there. I have amazing friends and family. Lots of supporters. However when uncertainty surrounds me and I feel insecure that’s very challenging for me. I don’t like how it feels -although these days it’s hard to know what’s peri-menopause, what’s the cost of living crisis, what’s post Brexit, what’s the COVID hangover.

WHAT THREE THINGS HAVE YOU DONE, OR ARE DOING THAT HELP BOOST YOUR MENTAL HEALTH?

Gratitude diary – it’s so simple yet so effective. In my darkest days it was the anchor to my days. It’s such a quick easy thing to do but helps your mind scour the day for the things that matter. I think it connects us to hope when we feel scarcity and love when we feel abundance. Sharing when I’m not OK. And knowing who the people to share that with are. Pausing. Whether that’s about meditation. A cup of tea. A cuddle with my cats. A walk in the fresh air. Noticing it. Sitting with it. Understanding it and accepting it. Connecting with my courage – remembering who I am, what I’m here for and who I am becoming. Struggles are an opportunity to continue building strength for the next time. Being proud of what I’ve overcome. Letting go of other peoples judgements.

ARE THERE ANY BOOKS YOU HAVE FOUND HELPFUL?

It feels like cheating saying my diary but that’s probably the most useful one in terms of mental health if I’m honest. Any book with a feminist view of the world I find comforting because it validates the struggle. Our truth and the reality of the world as women experience it. I often think I ought to find the time to write the Be Braver mindset and framework up as a book. It’s the knowledge I wish I’d had about how to live and lead through the trials of life. It’s the practice that guides and drives me now.

ARE THERE ANY WAYS YOU SABOTAGE YOURSELF AND WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT IT?

I think I’m quite hard on myself. Which leads to continuous improvement but probably doesn’t allow for much self recognition. I’ve returned to journaling and it’s helpful for noticing patterns and seeing how far I have come. By my own measures of what matters to me.

WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND IS BAD FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH?

Alcohol, finances and social media. I stopped drinking two years ago and it’s dramatically improved my life. Everyone talks about how hard it is to not be able to escape and unwind with a drink at the end of the day / week. Nobody talks about how amazing it is to show up to sober euphoria and joy. How intoxicating that feels.

Social media. I opted out of it all years ago and what a difference it made to how centred and abundant life felt. As a set up Be Braver I realised I’d have to have presence online and I’ve found it harder than I thought. Not so much putting me out there but more being surrounded by the insane amount of messages we are no bombarded with and the effort it takes to influence what you do and don’t absorb. Some of its so subtle. We think ‘I’m not succumbing to comparisonitus’ but it’s almost impossible to avoid. I do the minimum I need to now. Get in and get out as fast as I can.

Finances. I’ve lived the life with a secure stable income. I’ve lived the life with fluctuating cash flow, inabilities to pay the bills and sleepless nights about unforeseen debts. We can be good with money management but circumstances outside of our control can present situations we’d never anticipated. The insecurity this brings takes quite something to manage, difficult decisions.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MENTAL HEALTH ADVICE FOR OTHER ENTREPRENUERS, BUSINESS OWNERS AND FREELANCERS OUT THERE?

Focus on how far you have come. Be clear on where you are going and why. Remember it’s the journey not the destination that counts. You will need courage. You have it in abundance. Make space to measure it. For that is where you confidently learn the most about your competence. Create connection with the people, networks and resources that will make a difference and contribute to your rate of travel. Where you can give aswell as receive. Find your tribe. When things get tough, reconnect with your clarity, confidence and connections. There you will find the courage to make the decisions you need answers too. Don’t compare. Your definition of ‘success’ will be different to someone else’s. The choices they had available to them won’t be the same as yours. Find a community, a safe space, a coach. Somewhere you can speak and share freely at least once a month. Do not carry everything alone. Write. Run. Read. Swim. Sing. Sleep. Whatever your thing is that helps you recharge, reset and feel restored. Make sure you’d know what it is and do it.

If you’re a business owner looking to talk to someone about difficult things in your own life right now, book a chat with Paula here.

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• Parents who come home and moan about their workplace all evening but do nothing to get a new job or take action to make things better
• Those who spend too many hours working, or on their phone
• Not looking after their physical health by eating rubbish food and taking no exercise
• Losing their temper with children because they take no time out for themselves to calm down and lower their own stress and emotional arousal
• Smoking when they know it’s a bad habit they wouldn’t want their children to take up

How can we role model good mental health habits?

One useful thing that we can do for the generation/s below us, whatever our age, is to try and role model good mental health habits. When we sit in that therapy room it can be both empowering, and a little scary, to realise that everything we do impacts those around us. This is especially so if we have children or are working with younger people. Taking responsibilty for ourselves can empower others too.

What powerful things have we learned in our own lives can we share with younger people?  One way to illustrate this is by telling stories, offering advice or starting a discussion. Alternatively, we could just model these things through our own behaviour.

Examples that will positively impact our own mental health and help young people learn to do the same might be:

Setting Boundaries

These could include being firm about deadlines, when you are and are not working, things you will and will not do in your role, and what you will talk about. Explanations are the key here. Setting a hard deadline of Tuesday for a piece of work will have much more impact if you explain why it needs to be done by then – if someone else is waiting for the piece for instance. Likewise, explaining that you don’t work on weekends so that you keep that time free to wind down will help them to gain the confidence that it’s okay to value your own time and energy.

Taking time to wind down

I often hear my therapy clients tell me they know they “should be” taking exercise, meditating, walking or doing any one of a number of powerful things we all know are helpful in calming anxiety and stress levels. They often report feeling guilty and not having time. However, these things, deceptively simple as they are, are the key to managing our anger and irritability.

Why not show those around you that you care enough for them to look after yourself, and put yourself in a good place for them? They will grow up with the knowledge that looking after themsleves is okay, and that they too can take some control over their own feelings and emotions.

Being kind

Gossip is an underestimated factor in mental health. This includes both gossiping about others, as well as worrying if others are talking about you. Setting a no gossip tone helps people feel safer and more comfortable.

If someone else is struggling, a conversation about how we can all be kind to them, even thinking in practical terms, helps everyone emerge feeling much happier.

Finally, don’t forget about being kind to yourself. This includes taking time out for self-care, as well as refusing to let that inner critic take over.

Looking after yourself

You don’t have to nag about eating greens and drinking water. If young people see you eating rubbish, it’s not unlikely that they will take that as the norm. Set the bar higher, ask them how they look after themselves, and start the conversations that show them that health should be a priority. Get to bed at a decent hour, or see a therapist about your insomnia, and let them see how important sleep is.

If you’re having a hard time cutting down your smoking, talk to them about it. Let them see that stopping struggle can be a struggle…but in the end it is worth it. What story does that tell them about overcoming hard challenges? You never know, one day they may be thinking, “if mum/dad can stop smoking, then I can do this.”

Get off the phone

If we are on the phone, our attention is turned away to some virtual person or website. It is not with the people we are with. Apart from showing respect, this models good manners and highlights that you don’t need to be glued to your phone to get on. No phone rules at the diner table are a great place to start with this, as well as when you’re all sat down watching TV together.

Learn from them

Older people are not the experts in everything. I learn so much from young people, from how Bitcoin works, to why they are turning off the news for their mental health. Listening and learning from them reminds them that they too have the ability to influence others, and how powerful is that?

My one hour seminar on creating 7 habits for your mental health is ideal for young people. Please contact me here or book in a chat to discuss this for your organisation.

The post Role Model Mental Health Habits appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Here are the reasons why you should be journalling:

• Journaling helps with anxiety. It can help you get spiralling thoughts out onto the page where you can see patterns, solutions or are just able to dismiss them.
• It helps with sleep and depression. Your mind works overtime whilst you’re asleep, using REM sleep to help dissipate any unresolved worries or emotions from the previous day. Too many of these and you will wake up tired, or ealy, or both, as your REM sleep just can’t cope. Getting those thoughts out helps you consciously process them, rather than leaving them all to be dealt with in your sleep. Waking up tired and unmotivated is one of the stages of the depression cycle, so journalling is actively helping you step out of that cycle.
• You build the habit of working on your worries. Putting things down on paper may help you see solutions you just can’t when everything is in your head. Also, you’ll inevitably get bored of wriring about the same topics every day and you’ll force yourself to do something about them
• It is especially good if you are suffering from brain fog, like many of my menopausal or long-Covid clients. Journaling helps them get their head in order, they say.
• If you fancy yourself as creative, getting everything out of your head (a brain dump!), can help make way for something more creative to start happening. In this way it’s a perfect tool to help you out of writer’s block.
• Finally, it can help you perform better in your work, as this study explains.

How to Journal Properly

Step One: decide on when

Writer Julia Cameron calls journalling Morning Pages,  suggesting that mornings are a good time to do this. It can be easier to build a twenty minute habit at the beginning of the day rather than the end when it is easier to let it slip. The truth is, you need to do it when it suits you. I probably have one or two longer journalling sessions each week, often at a local coffee shop, and I talk about how helpful it is here. Some of my clients like to do it after work to “close down the work files.” Others can literally only find time on a Saturday morning when they have dropped the kids off at football. Work out what will work for you and commit to it.

Step two: decide on how

I like writing in a notebook, partly because I like notebooks. Some of my clients prefer to type their journal on their laptop and a small number talk into their phones and record their sessions. Physically writing is good as there is something about that eye to hand coordination which adds a cathartic quality. However, once do what suits you, and you know you will be able to keep to.

Step three: write

That’s it, just write. Whatever comes into your mind. At the beginning you might find yourself reviewing your to-do list, or a conversation with a friend. Soon, however, you’ll dig deeper and you’ll be surprised what comes out. Don’t edit yourself or worry about spelling, grammar or handwriting. This is just for you and you can dispose of or delete it afterwards if you wish.

Step four: give yourself a limit

Know exactly how much you need to write before you start. You can set a certain amount of time (ten minutes) or a certain number of pages. This is where you will build the discipline to make this a habit. Of course, you can go over if you’re in the middle of wrestling with a weighty problem. This is a tool that you may find yourself wanting to use more than you imagined!

Book an introductory session with Paula here, or find out more about her writing here.

The post How to Journal Properly appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.