With or without an official ADHD diagnosis, therapy or coaching for ADHD can help you with the symptoms. Whilst I cannot provide an ADHD assessment or diagnosis, what I do is work with people who feel as though they may have it. Our work together can help you with areas in which you may be struggling, such as time keeping, focus, impulsivity, self-belief or feelings of restlessness.

Even if you don’t have ADHD, but feel like some of the symptoms fit, therapy may be helpful. I often work with menopausal and perimenopausal women who confess that they feel as though they are experiencing ADHD traits, even though these have not affected them before.

First, here are some things you may be experiencing if you think you may have ADHD. Having some of them does not necessarily mean that you have ADHD. Likewise, if you have ADHD, you may not experience all of these.

• Impulsive behaviour, making decisions on the spur of the moment
• Feelings of restlessness. These can be both in the moment and in your life in general.
• Issues with focus and concentration. Finding it hard to start or finish tasks.
• Feeling as though you can’t stop your mind whirling.
• Problems with organising yourself.
• You find it hard to be on time, even when you think you’ve given yourself plenty of time.
• Forgetting things if you don’t write them down, and then possibly even forgetting to check what you’ve written
• An ability to hyperfocus on certain things, so much so that you tune out other people and lose track of time.
• You are always moving, such as jogging your foot without realising it. Things like fidget toys or tactile fabrics you can str0ke help you focus.
• Excessive worrying and rumination.

Therapy for ADHD

The most important step is finding out about you, your own life and goals right now. This means that we can zoom in on the ADHD symptoms that are causing the biggest issues for you. Sometimes, I work with clients who have struggled with time keeping in their work, and their line manager has pulled them up on this. Others, particularly students, might be experiencing a hard time getting started on something they know has to be done. It feels overwhelming and they just can’t bring themselves to knuckle down to it. Or, it might be that your symptoms are causing issues in your relationship. Your partner may be complaining that you don’t listen to them, or that your impulsivity has got you into debt.

We’ll work on embedding new behaviours, taking it at your own pace. If relationships have been damaged, we can address rebuilding them. For those who feel as though their minds are always churning, we can look at ways to soothe and calm that.

If we have a lower ability in one area, we can sometimes make up for it with our strengths. We’ll be looking at these too, and building strategies around using them more effectively.

It’s important to remember that you are more than your ADHD, so we will be looking at your life as a whole. How are you getting all your needs met right now?

Medication for ADHD

I can’t prescribe medication for ADHD. Only your GP can do that once you have your official diagnosis. Therapy and medication work very well together. Even with a diagnosis, many people choose not to take medication as there are side effects. Additionally, there are often ADHD medication shortages. If you’re struggling in your life, therapy offers a way of looking at how you can tackle things in a different way.

Business owners and ADHD

Whilst creativity and implusivity can be useful for business owners, being a business owner with ADHD has many challenges. For a start, business owners are unlikley to have that workplace support from HR or an executive coach. Once the company has reached a certain size, those issues that could be ignored, suddenly start impacting on the business. You may find challenges with concentration hold you back from pitching, going for funding or even just doing boring admin tasks. Likewise, that restlessless can make it hard to make decisions as you can see the opportunities almost everywhere you look.

Once again, we can look at these in therapy, and together build a strategy that will benefit you and your business.

To chat about therapy for ADHD, book a chat or contact me. Otherwise, you can go ahead and book an online session into my diary here.

The post Therapy for ADHD in Kent and Online appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

If you are feeling down or lost in life, sor just can’t seem to feel much meaning any more, sometimes going right back to basics and defining your own unique values is a good place to start.

The problem is that it’s so easy to go through life without even thinking about our true values. What makes it even more complicated is that our values may change. The values you have as a parent are not going to be the same as those you had pre children. 

Consequently, I recommend doing the following exercise on a regular basis, say every couple of years.  

The Values Exercise

I’ve spoken about needs before, and values can overlap with needs, but not always. Here’s how you find yours…

Take a notebook or a sheet of paper and think about the things that are really important in your life. Not possessions or people, but concepts.  I’ve put together a list at the end of this article, just to get you thinking, but this isn’t exhaustive. You can put your own in here if something comes to mind.

I’d like you to write down twenty that resonate with you. If you can’t reach 20 that’s fine, but if you have more than 20, I want you to get that number down to 20. Some words may mean very similar things: bravery and fearlessness for instance. Choose the one that resonates most with you. If you’re not quite sure on the definition of a word, but you feel it applies, just go with what that word means to you.

Interpreting the Data

Once you’ve got your 20 top values I’d like you to half those and pick the ten that resonate the most. Here’s a list I put together that describe where I am today.

Health, Family, Growth, Freedom, Peace, Creativity, Learning, Fun, Connection, Clarity.

I’ve done this often enough that they are actually in order, my current top value at the start of the list. I’d like you to do the same too, ordering your values so that you can see which ones matter more.  

I invite you to look upon your values on a regular basis so copy them out and out them somewhere you will see them: on the wall next to your desk, in your diary, on your fridge…whatever works for you!

Think back over your life to jobs that you’ve loved and jobs you’ve hated. How do they stack up against your values? Did the job you hated stifle your creativity while the jobs you loved let it have free reign? How about people? Does someone irritate you because their emails and other forms of communication lack clarity? Do you always clash with your teenage son because he doesn’t want to spend enough time, in your eyes, with his family?

Everyone else has different values so it’s almost impossible to have completely aligned values, but it can be useful to remember that we are all operating from our values and what’s important to you may be meaningless for someone else.

Living your Values

If you’re not living your values, the question is, why not? Is there just not the possibility at the moment? Or perhaps this is something you need to fight for? If your last job had a very rigid structure to the day and a boss who was a bit of a micromanager, and your top three values include freedom, then this could be a valuable lesson in the sort of working environment you want next.

If health is one of your top values but every evening you collapse on the sofa with a glass of wine or packet of biscuits, then it’s clear you are not giving this value priority.

As I’m self-employed I have literally set up my life to represent my values even though I didn’t know it at the time. I work from home so I get to see my family and have time to swim or get to a class. My work is very creative and I am constantly learning. Of course, if you’re employed, or have a demanding family or personal circumstances, it can be hard. However, using our values to guide us can keep pur actions and decisions aligned with what we really want.

How to use your values

Quite frankly, they can now become a road map for future decisions. Thinking of working for a particular company? Check their company values or mission statement and see if it overlaps with your own (or at least doesn’t contradict it). Fancy moving to a career with more meaning?  The values will guide you to where to look for that meaning.

I have had clients who literally have started crying when they realise one of their top values doesn’t figure anywhere in their work or sometimes even life. It sounds unbelievable but actually it’s very common.

Values

Health, Family, Growth, Freedom, Peacefulness, Creativity, Learning, Fun, Connection, Clarity, Trust, Bravery, Neatness, Simplicity, Adventure, Independence, Challenge, Love, Fame, Tradition, Fearlessness, Service, Discovery, Daring, Spontaneity, Order, Hope, Diplomacy, Originality, Precision, Determination, Flexibility, Consistency, Polish, Excitement, Generosity, Endurance, Calmness, Empathy, Mastery, Beauty, Curiosity, Abundance, Variety, Accomplishment, Wisdom, Warmth, Expression, Attractiveness, Excellence, Uniqueness, Energy, Enthusiasm, Dignity, Education, Being the Best, Intelligence, Completion, Significance, Discipline, Composure, Availability, Recognition, Contribution, Vision, Diligence, Co-operation, Leadership, Affluence, Fun, Harmony.

 Accuracy, Drama, Credibility, Experience, Dependability, Expertise, Altruism, Action, Activeness, Helpfulness, Charity, Support, Diversity, Justice, Duty, Popularity, Balance, Calm, Acknowledgement, Intuition, Efficiency, Effectiveness, Achievement, Congruency, Clarity, Control, Decisiveness, Pragmatism, Drive, Adaptability, Growth, Freedom, Choice, Assertiveness, Comfort, Cosy, Belonging, Family, Imagination, Creativity, Teamwork, Time with others.

If you’d like help going through this exercise, or would like to talk about how to find more meaning in your life, you can book a call here, or contact me here.

The post Finding Your Values appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Over the years I have worked with many apprentices in my role as an apprentice coach. I am always impressed by their ability to hold down a new and busy job with studying and producing high quality course work.

People often look at apprenticeships as an easy alternative to University, but it is a mistake to think this way. Apprentices are juggling work (often a new job), with studying. Traditional university students can focus entirely on their studies. Apprentices are sometimes treated as the dogsbody of the business, and given the least interesting tasks to do. They can sometimes find it hard to integrate with teams, or speak up for themselves. After all, they are only the “apprentice.” I am not criticising apprenticeships. I think they are a wonderful way into work, and have been working with the PRCA apprenticeship scheme for years. Nevertheless, I don’t think we should be under-estimating the work involved.

Mental Health Resources For Apprentices

Neither should we be forget the possible strains the above can put on their mental health. This is why we have created a list of mental health resources for apprentices here. Let’s start with our own:

Counselling Sessions for Apprentices

Life happens to apprentices just like anyone else. On top of their studies and work duties they may be struggling with anxiety, grief, or depression. There are funds available that training providers can use to support apprentices in the form of counselling sessions, and I would be delighted to deliver these. Please contact me to discuss.

Mental Health seminars for Apprentices

We have put together a number of seminars that will support apprentices’ mental health. They can be delivered as a group in person, or online, and recorded for future watching. Here are our current titles:

Coping with Anxiety at Work

It’s natural to be concerned about delivering good work and creating a good impression but there may be moments when that anxiety can start to impede your performance. This seminar looks at practical ways to help you dial down any feelings of anxiousness or panic, including how to deal with panic attacks. We also discuss how to help those around you who may be suffering from anxiety.

Dark Days and Depression

Depression can cause havoc with your performance at, and your enjoyment of work. It can leave you feeling isolated, lacking in motivation and has a severe physical impact on your health. Spotting signs of depression in yourself and others means that you can implement the self-help strategies covered in this workshop to help move you out of depression, or recognise when you need more professional help.

Dispelling Social Anxiety

What was once called shyness can be a huge barrier to promotions, building a network, and even impacts our mental health. This seminar looks at ways we can work on our social anxiety and help us feel more in control of situations where we are interacting with others.

Self-Discipline, Habits and Rituals

We all rely on self-discipline, habits, and rituals to get things done, but how often do you think about which one serves you best? In this workshop you will learn how to increase your self-discipline, break bad habits – or create new ones, and create your own powerful rituals to change your mindset.

Again, please contact me or book a call to discuss.

Mental Health UK

Younger apprentices (up to 18) may find this charity helpful as it focuses on mental health and life transitions. The charity has developed a young people’s programme to help equip 14 to 18 year olds with the tools and knowledge to maintain their mental health.Find out more.

The Samaritans

If you need to talk to someone right now, The Samaritans are avalaible by phone and on line. Call the Samaritans for free on 116123, or find their site here.

The post Mental Health Resources For Apprentices appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Paula Gardner is a business psychologist, coach and founder of The Good Therapy Practice, seeing clients online and in Folkestone and Canterbury, Kent.

What’s a typical work day look like for you?

I’m usually up by eight, and working by ten. I like a bit of a slow start to my day! I tend to see my business consultancy clients in the mornings, and therapy clients in the afternoons, although this can vary. I work in Canterbury one day a week, seeing therapy clients at the Umbrella Centre. The rest of the time I am seeing clients via Zoom or in person in Folkestone. If I’m not seeing clients then I’m likely to be doing things like writing blogs and articles, or catching up on work reading. At the end of each day I write up my client case notes, review my to-list for the next day and reread case notes for any clients I will be seeing the next day. I only do therapy one evening a week, and work every other Saturday morning, so most evenings and weekends are my own.

Why is mental health so important for business owners?

It’s important for everyone, but business owners face extra pressures. These apply whether they are a freelancer working with a handful of clients, or a growing business owner who is making decisions that impact their employees’ ability to pay their bills and mortgages. Business owners carry a lot of responsibility on their shoulders, making decisions that impact the future of their business every day. Entrepreneurs, and freelancers in particular, are susceptible to feelings of isolation, as they are often working solo. Finally, if you’re ill or grieving, you generally have to just get on with it. It’s a big decision to take a day off, unless you’ve been very wise and set your work up to allow you to do so.

What have been your biggest mental health challenges?

I have been knocked sideways by grief more times that I care to remember, the most recent being when my father died at the beginning of the first lockdown. Incidentally, work kept me going at that time. The structure and companionship (even on Zoom) gave me connection, community, meaning and purpose, vital needs as identified by the Human Givens.

What three things have you done, or are doing that help boost your mental health?

I moved to Folkestone, and just being able to take walks along the coastline has been hugely beneficial. Even on a wet and windy day they are invigorating. During lockdown in London, I only had access to a school playing field for exercise, and I remember walking round and round that field as though I was a prisoner!

I also try and take at least an hour out a week, just sitting in a coffee shop with a notepad. I’ll use that time to journal and check in with myself. Am I doing too much? Am I doing what I want? Who would I like to spend time with right now? Am I getting enough exercise and doing enough fun things? Often, if I’m not careful, they can turn into to-do list sessions, so I have to force myself to pull back and be more reflective. This weekly check in really helps me consider if what I am spending my time on is serving me well.

Finally, I don’t own a car. This means that not only am I not worrying about paying for it, but I am forced to walk. I’ve always worked a lot; even my schools tended to be at least a half hour walk away when I was a child. Walking always lifts my mood and, like that coffee shop and notebook time, helps me feel grounded. If I travel, I travel by train. This means that I can settle down with a good book, or Audible book on my headphones, and relax.

Are there any books you have found helpful?

Reading self-help and psychology books is work for me, so I find it most helpful to lose myself in fiction. I’ve always been a Thomas Hardy fan, ever since I did The Return of The Native at school. Picking up one of his books is like putting on a pair of soft, comfortable slippers. I also love the thrill of discovering new authors and realising they’ve written a whole library of books I have ahead of me!

Interestingly, I often find that clients tell me they can’t read when they are going through something. It’s as if their brain hasn’t got the capacity to concentrate. I know that things are improving for them when they can finally pick up a book again. That’s why I really encourage my clients to read, whether it’s magazines or page turning pot-boilers. Books, physical books are better too as we spend so much time on gadgets.

Are there any ways you sabotage yourself and what do you do about it?

I pack out my diary far too much. I like doing things, seeing people and feeling busy. However, this doesn’t leave much time for rest and sometimes it can catch up with me. I now book in rest times, just like meetings and appointments. I am a member of a local health club with a pool, and spend one afternoon a week there. I also book myself in for art classes on a regular basis. That enforced creativity and chat with others again helps me turn off. Finally, as well as my online calendar, I still use a physical diary. This lets me see, at a glance, how busy a week is looking. Too much writing on the pages and I know I shouldn’t be taking on any more.

It’s been a hard lession, but i’ve learned the value of having my own space.

What have you found is bad for your mental health?

Too much sugar doesn’t make me feel great about myself, although I do find it hard to turn down a cake when I have a coffee. Staying in and doing nothing, watching too much TV (usually box-sets), in fact anything that makes me feel like I am stagnating. I do suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) which means that I can get quite tired and a little down in the winter months, but a lightbox really helps with that. I also haven’t really felt the full brunt of it since moving to the seaside at Folkestone and getting out and about much more. So who knows, perhaps it’s a thing of the past.

Do you have any mental health advice for other entreprenuers, business owners and freelancers out there?

Start noticing what makes you tick and what makes you feel bad. It sounds simplistic but so many of us don’t even think about what we enjoy doing on a daily basis. It’s not the big things, the cars and the holidays, that help determine our happiness. It’s things like allowing ourselves to savour a really good mug of Earl Grey and watch the birds in the garden before we get going on our day. How many moments like this are you allowing yourself to have?

Choosing a psychotherapist who understands business can be really useful. If you’d like to book a therapy session with Paula you can contact her here, or book an appointment here.

The post My Mental Health: Therapist Paula Gardner appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

How Anxiety Works

Anxiety is a normal response to stress. It’s a hangover from our ancient history when we might suddenly hear the sound of rustling in the bushes whilst out foraging, or hunting. Our innate instinct at that moment is to freeze for a microsecond, while our body uses all its senses to determine whether to run (flight) or look for the nearest weapon (fight) in case it is a leopard hiding there. In that moment, our heart starts to beat faster, and our blood rushes to our muscles, and our breathing may become fast and shallow. In short, we are getting ready for action.

A moment later a face peeks out from the bushes and we realise it’s our friend, playing a trick on us, and the shock is over. This is the body’s fight or flight response and it’s designed to help us stay alive.

We may not have to contend with leopards nowadays, but our bodies still get bombarded with a huge amounts of stressors that can trigger this response. These stressors include:

• Conversations at work about the rising interest rates and their impact on mortgages
• News headlines about inflation and energy bills
• Social media posts about the price of Lurpack, and whatever is the shocker of the moment
• Emails from providers saying they are putting prices up
• Worried chats with loved ones asking how can we afford this?

I don’t know about you but I felt slightly stressed just reading that list. All these stressors, and more, that are happening every day, are putting our body into fight or flight mode over and over again. The issue is that we can neither fight nor take flight, which would at least help us burn off the chemicals. The result can be long-term or chronic anxiety.

Sleep

Worries may spill out into your sleep. Your REM sleep (the sleep that helps us dissipate emotional arousal over worry) will be tasked with trying to deal with it. If your levels are very high, or this goes on too long, you may find that you need more and more REM sleep, which leads to less refreshing deep sleep. The end result is that you will wake up feeling tired and unmotivated and just want to withdraw and worry even more. These are the prefect circumstances for depression. This is why it’s so important to address our anxiety.

What To Do About Cost of Living Anxiety

Cut down on the stressors

While you want to stay in touch with what’s going on, you don’t need to overstimulate yourself with bad news. Think about just checking in on the news once a day, leading the conversation to something more positive when it gets a bit much, or even telling people about how much it is making you worry. You can also curb your social media time, or make a rule that the first time you see an anxiety provoking money related post that becomes your trigger to close up the app and leave.

Dealing with the anxiety itself

Cutting down some stressors should help, but there may well be moments when you feel overwhelmed to the point of panicking. I teach a very effective way to help with this, called 7/11 breathing. Breathe in for a count of seven, into your tummy, slow and deep, and then out to a count of 11. If you can’t make 7/11, then 5/8 is fine. The main point is that the outbreath is longer than the inbreath. This will help reset your nervous system and push you into using your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps you relax. You can do this every time you feel wobbly, but it’s important that you use it many times during the day, to help you feel less stressed in general.

The best way to do this is to think of triggers to remind you to do a round of three or five 7/11 breaths. Clients of mine have used switching on the kettle, getting into the car or a bus, even going into the bathroom as their triggers, and it does work. Over time, you will taking the arousal out of your nervous system.

Switch off

It’s also important that you switch off from worrying. Distraction is a good way to do this. Think about what distracts you. Perhaps it’s runing, DIY, or painting? Active relaxation is always better for us than passively slumping in front of the TV. Walking with a friend is another good option, as it gives us that sense of connection, as does joining a yoga class or book group.

Working at bringing more of what relaxes you into your life, should leave you calmer and more able to deal with what comes up, including…

Face the fear

Many of us bumble along without actually knowing how much we have coming in, and what’s going out. It can be scary to actually work this out, but it’s vital to do for a number of reasons. First, we will be getting an idea of where we are now. Perhaps we don’t have to worry, just yet. Next, it’s a practical task that is moving us from our right hand side of the brain, where a lot of our worrying takes place, into the left hand side, a great problem solving machine.

First, note down everything that comes in, from your pay packet to any freelance earnings, investments or passive income returns. Calculate this on a monthly basis

Next, make a list of all your regular outgoings. Energy bills and food are obvious ones, but also think about insurances, gym subscriptions, Playstation subsriptions, Prime and Netflix, Pet plans, funeral plans, pocket money, and even contact lens subscriptions.

Spending money is less easy, and it may work out best to note what you spend over a typical week. Include lunches, newspapers, travel, ice-creams and coffees. In short, whatever comes out of your pocket over a week.

Finally add in the luxury items such as holidays, weekends away and also birthday and Christmas presents for the year. When you have come up with your total, divide it by twelve so that you have a monthly figure. Don’t forget tax and national insurance if you are self-employed or have side hustle.

These are your monthly outgoings. You should now have an idea of where you are.

Make a plan

Even if things are looking wobbly, many people are inspired into action by this. You can look at ways to bring in extra income – from taking in a lodger to just bringing in one more client. One of my clients takes in foreign language students to earn extra cash. She feeds them breakfast and dinner, gives them a packed lunch, and away they go. Don’t forget that you can earn a nice chunk of money tax free if you have a room to rent. Here’s a nice article for more ideas.

Money Saving Expert, is often a really useful site to follow. It can help you make informed decisions and keep you up to date without scaring the living daylights out of you.

You can also look at where to cut down. Perhaps you can forego the gym and start running, or make coffee shop visits a weekly rather than daily treat. It may be that you move to a different part of town, or, if you have savings that may well get eroded by inflation, use them to pay off your mortgage and bring down your monthly outgoings (check with an expert for advice on this.)

If things get too much, talk

Talk to someone. It could be a therapist (you can book a chat with me here) who can help you come up with a plan as well as work on your anxious feelings, your citizens advice office, or a trusted and calm friend who is good with money. If you are struggling, talk to your energy provider, or bank. See what they can do to help. Double check benefits you may be entitled to here.

Choose people who are supportive, or can offer practical help and ideas, rather than anyone who will, even unwittingly, make you feel worse.

If you’re in Folkestone, then this article on ways to access help in Folkestone, may give you some useful links.

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If you haven’t had any therapy or counselling before, you may be a little daunted as to what happens in a therapy session? The truth is, it will be slightly different for different types of therapies. Not only that, but every single therapist has his or her unique way of running their psychotherapy or counselling session. What I can give you, however, is a guide to how a Human Givens psychotherapist might structure a therapy session, and in turn, how therapy sessions with me often run.

Initial chat with a therapist

First off is the initial chat. Many psychotherapists prefer to talk to you first before scheduling in a full session. They might do this by phone or an online meeting (you can schedule an online chat with me here). This is to see if you are a good fit for each other. Many counsellors have their expert areas, such as working with teenagers, or prefer to work in a certain type of way, such as online only, or once a week. This chat can help you both work out if these things tally up with what you want. It also gives you chance to see how you feel about your possible psychotherapist. Can you see yourself working with them over the next few weeks?

Sometimes, the result of this chat is that you book in a session straight away, whilst you are on your call. Occasionally, you may need time to think or check your diary.  If you don’t think they’re right for you, then it’s perfectly fine to continue looking. This is an important relationship. If you are asking for something the therapist doesn’t do, such as couples counselling, many counsellors have a rich network of other therapists and can often recommend someone, or refer you to a colleague. Please do ask for recommendations if you find that they don’t work in your particular area.

First therapy session

Your first session is often what we call an intake session. Some therapists may send you forms to fill in beforehand, which will ask for personal details such as your Dr, contact details etc. Others will go through these in your session. Certainly, in a Human Givens session, you will be taken through an assessment. Your therapist should also take you through confidentiality and their own terms of business, unless you have already had this in writing.

The therapist will ask you a number of questions which you may scale from 1-5, or 1-10, depending on the assessment. While these can seem a little tedious, especially when you have something to report, they are really valuable. You may do this every session. I have clients who have come in scoring 1s and 2s on their initial session. Later, when I can share that they are now self-scoring scoring 4,5 and even 6s, it is a tangible recognition of how far they have come. It also allows us to pin-point areas where we need to look, such as feeling valued, or having enough time to themselves.

For me, these measurements are an important part of our sessions together and often prompt some really good work.

The therapy itself

Then, you’ll get into the crux of why you are there. For the first session the therapist will want to know what has brought you to them right here, right now, along with other things that might be going on in your life. A Human Givens counsellor will want to unpack your symptoms. Simply telling them you feel depressed isn’t enough. After all, what feeling depressed means for you might mean sadness and tears, while the next client may equate it with feeling numb and having no energy. Knowing your symptoms, both physical and emotional, is key for Human Givens work.

Paula Gardner talking about what happens in a therapy session

We discuss goals. What is it you want to get out of therapy? This is where psychotherapy often divides. Some, the pure talking therapies, are more focused on giving you space to talk, and perhaps spotting patterns from the past. Human Givens sessions are very practical however, and we want you to feel better as soon as possible. While we may bring the past into our sessions, our focus, our work, is on what you can do to move forward. To this end, we often set tasks to help you move towards your goals. You can think of these as homework, if you like. In truth, they are often tools and tactics to help you manage things better, or practise new ways of coping.

However, you are more than your problems. A skilled therapist looks at the resources you have in your life, and helps you gather them together. These could be the people around you, past occassions where you have used a certain skill, your experience, and even personality traits. Understanding your available resources is a key part of helping yourself move forwards, and then talking through how to apply them to your goals.

Guided Imagery

Human Givens psychotherapists often use a tool called Guided Imagery. This is a deep relaxation where you will be guided to a state of calmness – really helpful in itself. In this state you can access your REM state, the state where your brain can create new pathways that help form new patterns for the future. Your therapist may use this imagery to share relaxation tools that you can go away and practise, talk through some of the tasks you agreed on, and help you imagine carrying them out (this means that you are more likely to succeed). It’s a process that athletes often use to hone their skills.

Human Givens therapists also use this state to do work around helping people with addictions, or doing what we call a Rewind technique, for trauma.

Ending the session

Finally, you will end your session setting your next date. Your therapist won’t want to you unpack what’s happened during guided imagery, but it is really helpful if you can build in some extra time for a relaxing walk, or even sit in the car with some gentle music on, if you want to get the most out of the relaxed feeling it brings on, and think through the session.

As I said, each therapist is different. Some will do guided imagery online, some won’t. Some will take notes, some won’t. Some counsellors work from home, some from consulting rooms or a centre somewhere. All these little things are often as important as the therapy. If you’ve a long drive to get to your therapist, or they can only see you on a Tuesday morning, sometimes that can make attending sessions feel less appealing.

Practical issues for counselling

Fees, and the methods of payment, also vary between counsellors, so it’s worth being ultra clear on these. What are the cancellation terms,  and process? Human Givens therapists won’t offer a package of sessions (such as buy six upfront) as we believe that is unethical. We also vary as to whether we charge for no shows. If we’ve hired out a room to see a client, or refused that slot to another client,  it can get expensive if you don’t show up, so this isn’t about being greedy.

The best way to get a feel for working with someone is just to make that initial contact and see how you feel. However, you will get the most out of your therapy by commiting to turning up to sessions, at least trying to tackle your homework, and giving your therapist honest feedback and information. If you feel your goal is no longer relevent, or something more important has come up, tell them! Therapy is a relationship, a collaboration, and you both have your own important parts to play.

You can read more about working with me in the FAQ.

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People pleasing is complicated. On one hand it feels like you have everyone’s best interests at heart, that you’re a genuinely GOOD person. People are grateful and express this with compliments and expressions of gratitude that send an almighty kick of oxytocin into your system. This makes you feel wonderful, that you have a place in this world, and that you are valued.

However, it can also leave us depleted, exhausted and with little left for our own goals and issues. What’s more, it’s easy to get lost in other people’s lives, listening to their problems, picking up their mess, making sure they are okay…so easy that it’s a convenient way to distance yourself from whatever is going on in your own life that you don’t want to see.

People pleasing can give us status, meaning and connection, but do it too much and it can become a trap.

Too much people pleasing can start to make you feel resentful and it’s a hard habit to break once you’re in. People expect that lift; for you to cover for them at the office; that you’ll listen to their moans about the boss over and over again. Saying “No” becomes difficult. You feel that you’re letting people down. Even worse, they may make you feel like you are! You may start to feel resentful, which can spill over into passive aggression. Or, even worse, if you try and push this down, explode when you least expect it.

Goodbye Dreams

And what about your own dreams, your own path? That’s slowly been demoted to bottom of the list and you have a feeling that you’re so far from your own path that it’s not worth even making the attempt to do something for yourself. What about all these obligations? You can’t just let go of these.

Why not? One, because you’re in this too deep and two, because you’re worried what other people will think of you. Maybe you’ll look like a loser, someone who bottled it, who just couldn’t keep it together. Or perhaps you feel people will be disappointed in you, or that their doubts about you will be confirmed. “People” could mean people in general, or you have someone’s image in your head: your parents, your colleagues, your partner or family.

Perhaps you do have some ideas for change in your life: a change of job or career. More education or some travel? Or you maybe just have a sense that something needs to change but you’re not quite sure what it is. However, even the thought of exploring that feels like a betrayal, a sign to your family that you’re not happy and how would that make them feel?

Any of this strike a nerve with you? Hmm, you’re well and truly stuck aren’t you?

Well…maybe, maybe not.

Resources

One thing we can do is look for those times when we did do something for ourselves, or stood up for ourselves. We can recognise the resources we used when we did that, or the support we put in place. While such times may not immediately spring to mind, you most probably can think of some instances. For myself, it was deciding to go back to University to do a Masters, even though I was a single mum to three children and running my own business. My decision meant that they had to learn to look after themselves in practical ways that now underpin their self-esteem as adults (they were teenagers at the time, I might add).

What was going on when you were able to stay No, or didn’t step in to offer help as you usually do? What resources did you have to look after yourself? How did you get others to step up and take responsibility for themselves?

7 Activities to Help You Stop People Pleasing and Caring What Other People Think Of You

Here are some actions to help you move from a place of people pleasing to pleasing yourself. You don’t have to work through them in any particular order, and you can get working with more than one at a time.

Discover Yourself

Have your own agenda. Move your attention from other people and onto yourself. This won’t happen in the course of a day, but there are some rewarding activities you can do to start this process.

One of the first things is to look at what you want from your own life. If we turn the focus back to ourselves it becomes harder for others to pull us off the path with their own agenda, but first we have to truly know what it is we want. Sometimes I work with clients who have never truly asked themselves this question.

A Values exercise is a nice way to start this. You can do it yourself by listing the Values that are important to you in your life. Some of my own values, for instance, are:

Creativity

Tranquillity

Intelligence

Learning

Growth

Health

Intimacy

Try to bring you list down to 10 Values. Write these out and put them somewhere you can see. Near your desk, in a journal or on your fridge for instance. Every now and then touch base with them. Do you think you are living those values?

Tranquillity is a big one for me, for example. I have to feel that I have space in my life to think and time to do nothing. I try to build these in but if life gets too frenetic I know that I’m not living that value. The result is that my stress levels get higher of course, but I also feel that my life is “off” somehow and I need to bring myself back to that Value. Usually that means dropping something or saying NO to a few things.

I have worked with clients who literally start crying when they see that a Value that is hugely important to them, such as Intimacy or Playfulness, is absent from their life. It’s  a powerful moment.

The next step on that path is finding what you truly want. You may know already but if you don’t here are some activities that can help you explore that:

• Journaling
• Make a Vision Board
• Read autobiographies and see what type of lives draw you
• Talking to other people about what they enjoy about their lives, their jobs
• Taking some time off to travel or have an adventure
• Doing a course – any course – to  open your mind
• Exploring with a coach or therapist (if you would like to work with me on your own people pleasing tendencies, please book a chat with me here.)
• Remember what you wanted to be when you were a child, a teenager, a young adult
• Try out some Possible Selves without committing yourself to it (read Herminia Ibarra’s book Working Identity for a great introduction to this theory)
• Read self-development books to discover more about yourself

When you think you know what you want, assess how much you want it. If it’s a merely an “oh that would be nice”, then you haven’t found it yet. It needs to make you excited, to touch that flame inside.

Make self-care a priority

If you’ve been catering for everyone else’s needs your own self-care may be pretty low on the list. It may be a trite and well used phrase but you need to put on your own oxygen mask first or, long term, you will be no use to anyone, least of all yourself.

You may think self-care is indulgent or that you can’t afford pampering. It even make you feel guilty (a huge clue that it’s what you need). At this point I am going to invite you to do it anyway and just sit with those feelings. After all, they are just feelings, not necessarily the truth. Learning to look at our thoughts and feelings but not let them lure us away down a rabbit hole is an important part of this process.

Each week, I challenge you to up level your self-care, i.e. do something more for yourself. It doesn’t have to involve lots of money or taking yourself off to a spa for a few days, although if that’s an option by all means go for it. Here are some suggestions:

• Basics – if anything is niggling, see a doctor or specialist. Get those teeth checked, book in an appointment with a chiropodist or physiotherapist
• Get a health MOT – weight, bloods etc. Decide to take responsibility for yourself
• Have a massage, facial
• Take a nap in the afternoon
• Get to bed twenty minutes earlier
• Drink more water
• Eat more veg
• Lower the cabs
• Lower your sugar intake
• Reduce your alcohol intake
• Have a facial, pedicure or manicure
• Take an hour long bubble bath
• Treat yourself to some gorgeous shower gel
• Sit and do nothing
• Meditate
• Get a haircut and colour
• Go for a run, yoga session or join a Zumba class
• Follow a HIIT video on YouTube
• Learn how to make your own face mask from things you have lying in your cupboards

The list is endless and you can have fun exploring what makes you feel the most pampered and what you will be bringing into your regular routines. I have 99 more ideas here.

Assess The Impact

This is where we look at how much this has impacted on your life, up until now. Go through the following questions, answering as honestly as you can.

What do I do regularly that does not fall in with my Values or Path?

What takes me away from my Value or Path?

What have I done in the past that did not support my Values or Path?

What has taken me away from my Value or Path?

Which people have I tried to please in the past?

Are there people with whom do not behave in this way?

Are there people that I look to for validation and respect?

How has that affected what I do or the way I interact with them?

Are there people that I don’t look to in this way?

How has that affected what I do or the way that interact with them?

What difficulties have I got in due to this behaviour?

Build in Space

This is where we start to change our interactions with others. You are going to stop yourself from acting on impulse by building in some breathing space. This is two-fold. You are training both yourself and other people.

Let’s start by putting other people in a holding pattern. So, when someone asks for a favour, if you’d like to come out that weekend or join their new book group, just build in a little delay before you commit. All it takes is a “Let me check with my diary and I’ll let you know”, or “My head’s a bit full with something else at the moment. Can I think on it and get back to you,” In short, pause before you rush in and say yes. Use this time to consider:

Do I really want to do this?

Why do I want to do this? Is it for me or because I want to make them happy?

If you decide that you don’t want to do whatever it is, you can just say “No”, that doesn’t work for me tonight, or ”No, I don’t think I fancy that.”  No need for elaborate excuses or stories. If someone challenges you then you perhaps need to be asking them why can’t they accept and respect your answer.

Of course, sometimes you will want to do whatever it is. Sometimes you will genuinely want to help. But that space allows you to decide not give a knee jerk reaction and beat yourself up for it later. It also reminds others that your time and your headspace is important. You have things going on in your life. There are other things you need to be thinking on and giving your attention.

Next, you’re going to build in that same space before you offer to help someone of your own accord. This is trickier and you’ll need to rely on your own self-discipline here. It could be a 5 minute rule that you apply, a 24 hour rule…whatever works for you. Be rigid in applying it and apply it to everything that fits.

If in doubt, consider…

Is this taking me away from my values and path?

Will it deplete my resources for my own journey and goals?

Reducing the need for outside Validation

This is a big part of people pleasing and caring what others thing. What we are doing, in fact, is using others to make us feel better and give us our worth. It’s quite selfish and could even be manipulative if you look at it that way. A true feeling of self-worth comes from inside so let’s look at building that up.

Ways to help with this include journaling, so that you get to know and appreciate yourself intimately. Additionally, start a practice of gratitude but making sure that you include yourself within this. So, for example, being grateful to yourself for setting aside the time to do a good job on that special project.

Acknowledge your own achievements to yourself and celebrate them. You can share this with others, but not if you only need their acknowledgement and approval for you to really feel that success.

Practise making decisions for yourself, and relying on your own judgment. Start with the little things and work up to big decisions. Being able to take responsibility for these really does help a feeling of intrinsic self-worth, as does deciding to do something and see it through to the end.

Ask for help

People pleasers rarely ask for help. We struggle on, convinced that asking for help would be a form of weakness, but at the same time maybe feeling resentful that people can’t see we could do with a hand. Asking for help is a skill that some people have and are happy to use when they need it some people abuse it.

Begin by asking for small things, perhaps for extra mayonnaise at a restaurant or asking your son to mow the lawn. Build it up. Admit vulnerability, “Actually I’m struggling with this – could you give me a hand.” Most people genuinely like to help and you are unlikely to be taking advantage. Sometimes, if you’ve always been the one to do the helping, people may react with surprise, but don’t be frightened of this. It’s part of the process.

Asking for help leads to another skill that people pleasers may not have used properly: delegating. We don’t have to do everything ourselves. Indeed, by handing over some jobs to a junior colleague we are also aiding in their development as well as our own.  That feeling that you are giving away some control is scary but, once again, we need to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.

Step Seven: Tune Into Your Body

So many of us live in our heads nowadays, but it’s there where we can get caught up in patterns and repeat history over and over again. Body work is liberating. It allows us to tune into out body and get more accustomed to picking up on how we are really feeling about something.

You can start by building more physicality into your life. This can be pure exercise like running or swimming, yes, but activities like yoga and dance help us tap into the right hand side of our rain, our creativity and imagination. One form of dance that is particularly good for this is Qoya work created by Rochelle Schieck.  There are plenty of free Qoya videos on Vimeo that you can try here.

Again, that stillness and space that yoga creates can produce the same thing and help you tune into your body. What this does is bring you closer to your intuition which can give you clues as to how you really feel about things. Perhaps you notice that your shoulders tense up when you think about a certain colleague at work, or that you grind your teeth when you go to sleep after spending too much time on social media.

All these things are clues to how you really feel. You can use that information to make more informed decisions. You may decide not to trust that colleague or that you need to reduce your time on social media, even though your friends love it. In short, learn how to please yourself.

If you would like to work with me on your people pleasing tendencies, please book a chat with me here.

The post How to Stop People Pleasing appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Folekstone and the surrounding area is an amazing place to live, but, like anywhere, can feel isolating and lonely if you are struggling.  Here is a round up of helpful organisations, websites and numbers to help you get access to help In Folkestone if you are having challenges.

Mental Health in Folkestone

The Good Therapy Practice

Psychotherapy and counselling in Folkestone.  This could be for challenges like anxiety, depression, OCD, grief, pain, relationships or panic attacks, or could just be that you’re struggling and need some extra support right now. You can contact me here to arrange a chat. I can currently usually see a new patient within a week.

Your GP

Your GP can refer you for counselling or CBT, although there may be a waiting list.  You can find a list of GPs for the Kent region here.

The Hestia Centre

This is a drop-in service where you can talk to a recovery worker if you’re having a hard time. You can check out the address and opening times here.

Peer Support

If you’d like to talk to other people who are going (or have gone) through what you are struggling with, this peer support service may be useful.

Homelessness

The Rainbow Centre

You can still access this if you technically have a roof over your head, if you’re sofa surfing for example, or at risk of eviction.  The Rainbow Centre offers practical help that can get you back on your feet again.

Kent County Council

For housing crises, contact them here.

Porchlight

A charity for homeless and vulnerable people. Click here.

Citizens Advice and Free Legal Services

If you need advice on benefits, employment rights or legal issues, this a good place to start – CAB.

Solicitors

Many solicitors do free consults where you can start to get an idea of your options. Here is a list of solicitors in Folkestone.

Domestic Abuse and Sexual Violence

This site has many helpful links of places that can offer support, provide sheletered accomodation, or medical assessments after sexual violence.

Medical Help

See Mental health above for a list of GPs surgeries. The closest proper A and E is at The William Harvey in Ashford, while the Folkestone community hospital is The Royal Victoria.

Dementia

Age Uk

AgeUk has a number of service for peope with dementia ranging from mild to severe and you can find out more here.

Alz-Dem

Vist this site to access a 24 hour helpline and other helpful services.

Job Hunting and Education

Folkestone Job Centre Plus

14, Woolworths Building, 16 Sandgate Rd, Folkestone CT20 1DP. 0800 169 0190

Folkestone College

This has programmes and courses for aduts, with advice on access to funding,  and a number of cousres that offer professional qualifications. Click here.

Apprenticeships

You don’t have to be a school or college leaver to benefit from an apprenticeship. You can do one at any age and there is a wide choice of industries where you can earn as you learn. Click here to find out more.

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