Guilt is an emotion and belongs with the other sad emotions like grief and loneliness. There are many types of guilt. There’s guilt for something you might have done, guilt for something you didn’t do, guilt for something you even just thought about. For the moment, let’s look at one type of guilt that I think has a strong pull when we can’t even take some time out. That is the guilt of not doing enough. Psychologists actually believe that this guilt is a sign of something called Compassion Fatigue which is a form of burn-out.

You can see compassion fatigue at work in black and white when you see someone caring for a dying relative. They may be doing everything in their power to ease the sick person’s distress, but it’s still not enough. Frankly, it’s never going to be enough. The fact that it is not enough induces a feeling of guilt that is hard to carry. This desire to help their sick relative is never going to be alleviated and there is dissonance, a gap, between what they want and what’s happening. Taken to an extreme, this is now the stress disorder of compassion fatigue.

On a more domestic, daily level our desires to help others, nurture our family and take care of loved ones mean that anything less than (unobtainable) perfection often create guilt that we are not doing enough. This feeling can be intensified when we do something for ourselves, instead of pouring ourselves into this never ending pit of wanting to help others.

Dealing with guilt around looking after ourselves

The question is, how do we deal with that feeling of guilt for taking time out for ourselves? We can attack it head on, using logic and reminding ourselves that it is the gap between what we can do and we would like to do, nothing more. It is an emotion created by this dissonance. However, that also means that we can push past it and just get on with our self-care anyway.

What could be a better approach is something of the two and try to look at the situation objectively, as if you were looking at a friend’s life. What would you sensibly expect her to do for her family and what boundaries would you suggest where she might draw the line? What combination of time and energy spent on others and on herself would you suggest?

This isn’t necessary a prescription for the actual feeling of guilt, but it may help to know that what you are feeling is the emotion created by a desire to do more. A desire that could never be completely fulfilled anyway.

Another thing to recognise about guilt is that it doesn’t have to be self-destructive. It can make us think about using our time with loved-one in a more quality way, for instance, getting out and doing a bike ride together rather than sitting on the sofa playing on your phones.

Use it as a marker that says you need to give what’s going on a little thought.

If you’d like to throw a light on your own feelings of guilt and what might soothe them, please book a no-cost call with me here, or contact me here.

The post Dealing With Guilt appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

If there’s one thing I always wanted to instil within my own children, it was a love of reading. I see reading as excellent self-care. Reading can transport you away from the stress and anxieties of daily life. With a good book, this can even happen within a couple of pages. For many, reading can be more accessible than meditation.  It may not produce those alpha or even theta brainwaves that are linked with meditation, but it has many benefits.

There are countless numbers of universes waiting to be discovered, all just by opening a book.

Too Stressed To Read?

First, just notice that very fact is telling you that something is wrong, and perhaps it’s time to do something about it. Is something in particular bothering you? Or are your anxiety levels just high all round? You can take action over a particular issues, talk it through with a friend or colleague, or up your levels of self-care and relaxing activities. If it feels too much, then talking it through with a counsellor, like myself, should help.

Nevertheless, perhaps there is some way you can still get some joy and relaxation out of reading. One idea is to swap books for nespapers or magazines, perhaps. Sometimes, this can work well. However, do be careful about what you read. Newspapers are often full of stories of death, tragedy and disaster, which may not be helpful at all.

Magazines can be more of an escape, but again do be careful. You will often see a lot of advertisers and journalists setting impossible standards. We are told to buy this, to look like this, to dress our homes like this. It’s often another pressure in our already pressured lives. Even if you think you’re immune, it can creep under your skin without you knowing.

Another idea is to change your genre. Perhaps you can’t cope with your usual modern classic at the moment, but you may be able to plough through a page-turning thriller or historical romance? Above all, I recomend Audible for my clients who are having a problem focusing on reading a book. It can be lovely being read to before you go to sleep at night. You can pass time on long journeys, and dip in while you are walking the dog. If you belong to a library, they have their own version too

Getting into the Habit

If you’d like to add reading to your self-care, it really helps to make it a ritual. Where could you read? In bed on a Sunday morning, or last thing at night?  In the bath?

The commute, of course, is another great time. Even if you don’t commute, you can use that same time to pick up a book. It’s about developing the reading habit and seeing how much enjoyment we can get.

You can even listen to Audible and combine it with getting some exercise on a walk or run!

Benefits of reading as self-care

The benefits of reading are huge. The enjoyment of reading a great story itself: something that is hard-wired into us all. It’s also the opportunity to learn about new places, people and cultures. Joining a book club, even online, is an easy way to find a community and connection. If you use Audible, you can listen with a partner, and discuss what you think as we you go along.

Should you read self-help books?

If you are finding this useful, and relaxing, then yes, or course. Whatever works for you. My main point is that clients read something that distracts and relaxes: something that helps them escape from whatever is causing them stress in their lives. For me, and many of my clients, it’s only fiction that does that.

Finally, reading can help with so many of our human needs. It can give us a sense of privacy, of escaping into our own private world. It can help us connect with others, providing fodder for conversations or introducing us to new friends through a book club. Reading to our children helps us focus our attention on them, a key need for them. I’ve known couple who read to each other, a lovely intimate thing to do. It can also provide us with a sense of achievement: that lovely feeling when you finish a book that you’ve really enjoyed, or even finally worked your way through Anna Karenina!

Have you noticed that you just can’t concentrate and are too stressed to read lately? Contact me to arrange a no-obligation call if you’d like to do some work to lower stress levels and get you back into reading again.

The post Reading as Therapy appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

• Parents who come home and moan about their workplace all evening but do nothing to get a new job or take action to make things better
• Those who spend too many hours working, or on their phone
• Not looking after their physical health by eating rubbish food and taking no exercise
• Losing their temper with children because they take no time out for themselves to calm down and lower their own stress and emotional arousal
• Smoking when they know it’s a bad habit they wouldn’t want their children to take up

How can we role model good mental health habits?

One useful thing that we can do for the generation/s below us, whatever our age, is to try and role model good mental health habits. When we sit in that therapy room it can be both empowering, and a little scary, to realise that everything we do impacts those around us. This is especially so if we have children or are working with younger people. Taking responsibilty for ourselves can empower others too.

What powerful things have we learned in our own lives can we share with younger people?  One way to illustrate this is by telling stories, offering advice or starting a discussion. Alternatively, we could just model these things through our own behaviour.

Examples that will positively impact our own mental health and help young people learn to do the same might be:

Setting Boundaries

These could include being firm about deadlines, when you are and are not working, things you will and will not do in your role, and what you will talk about. Explanations are the key here. Setting a hard deadline of Tuesday for a piece of work will have much more impact if you explain why it needs to be done by then – if someone else is waiting for the piece for instance. Likewise, explaining that you don’t work on weekends so that you keep that time free to wind down will help them to gain the confidence that it’s okay to value your own time and energy.

Taking time to wind down

I often hear my therapy clients tell me they know they “should be” taking exercise, meditating, walking or doing any one of a number of powerful things we all know are helpful in calming anxiety and stress levels. They often report feeling guilty and not having time. However, these things, deceptively simple as they are, are the key to managing our anger and irritability.

Why not show those around you that you care enough for them to look after yourself, and put yourself in a good place for them? They will grow up with the knowledge that looking after themsleves is okay, and that they too can take some control over their own feelings and emotions.

Being kind

Gossip is an underestimated factor in mental health. This includes both gossiping about others, as well as worrying if others are talking about you. Setting a no gossip tone helps people feel safer and more comfortable.

If someone else is struggling, a conversation about how we can all be kind to them, even thinking in practical terms, helps everyone emerge feeling much happier.

Finally, don’t forget about being kind to yourself. This includes taking time out for self-care, as well as refusing to let that inner critic take over.

Looking after yourself

You don’t have to nag about eating greens and drinking water. If young people see you eating rubbish, it’s not unlikely that they will take that as the norm. Set the bar higher, ask them how they look after themselves, and start the conversations that show them that health should be a priority. Get to bed at a decent hour, or see a therapist about your insomnia, and let them see how important sleep is.

If you’re having a hard time cutting down your smoking, talk to them about it. Let them see that stopping struggle can be a struggle…but in the end it is worth it. What story does that tell them about overcoming hard challenges? You never know, one day they may be thinking, “if mum/dad can stop smoking, then I can do this.”

Get off the phone

If we are on the phone, our attention is turned away to some virtual person or website. It is not with the people we are with. Apart from showing respect, this models good manners and highlights that you don’t need to be glued to your phone to get on. No phone rules at the diner table are a great place to start with this, as well as when you’re all sat down watching TV together.

Learn from them

Older people are not the experts in everything. I learn so much from young people, from how Bitcoin works, to why they are turning off the news for their mental health. Listening and learning from them reminds them that they too have the ability to influence others, and how powerful is that?

My one hour seminar on creating 7 habits for your mental health is ideal for young people. Please contact me here or book in a chat to discuss this for your organisation.

The post Role Model Mental Health Habits appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Here are the reasons why you should be journalling:

• Journaling helps with anxiety. It can help you get spiralling thoughts out onto the page where you can see patterns, solutions or are just able to dismiss them.
• It helps with sleep and depression. Your mind works overtime whilst you’re asleep, using REM sleep to help dissipate any unresolved worries or emotions from the previous day. Too many of these and you will wake up tired, or ealy, or both, as your REM sleep just can’t cope. Getting those thoughts out helps you consciously process them, rather than leaving them all to be dealt with in your sleep. Waking up tired and unmotivated is one of the stages of the depression cycle, so journalling is actively helping you step out of that cycle.
• You build the habit of working on your worries. Putting things down on paper may help you see solutions you just can’t when everything is in your head. Also, you’ll inevitably get bored of wriring about the same topics every day and you’ll force yourself to do something about them
• It is especially good if you are suffering from brain fog, like many of my menopausal or long-Covid clients. Journaling helps them get their head in order, they say.
• If you fancy yourself as creative, getting everything out of your head (a brain dump!), can help make way for something more creative to start happening. In this way it’s a perfect tool to help you out of writer’s block.
• Finally, it can help you perform better in your work, as this study explains.

How to Journal Properly

Step One: decide on when

Writer Julia Cameron calls journalling Morning Pages,  suggesting that mornings are a good time to do this. It can be easier to build a twenty minute habit at the beginning of the day rather than the end when it is easier to let it slip. The truth is, you need to do it when it suits you. I probably have one or two longer journalling sessions each week, often at a local coffee shop, and I talk about how helpful it is here. Some of my clients like to do it after work to “close down the work files.” Others can literally only find time on a Saturday morning when they have dropped the kids off at football. Work out what will work for you and commit to it.

Step two: decide on how

I like writing in a notebook, partly because I like notebooks. Some of my clients prefer to type their journal on their laptop and a small number talk into their phones and record their sessions. Physically writing is good as there is something about that eye to hand coordination which adds a cathartic quality. However, once do what suits you, and you know you will be able to keep to.

Step three: write

That’s it, just write. Whatever comes into your mind. At the beginning you might find yourself reviewing your to-do list, or a conversation with a friend. Soon, however, you’ll dig deeper and you’ll be surprised what comes out. Don’t edit yourself or worry about spelling, grammar or handwriting. This is just for you and you can dispose of or delete it afterwards if you wish.

Step four: give yourself a limit

Know exactly how much you need to write before you start. You can set a certain amount of time (ten minutes) or a certain number of pages. This is where you will build the discipline to make this a habit. Of course, you can go over if you’re in the middle of wrestling with a weighty problem. This is a tool that you may find yourself wanting to use more than you imagined!

Book an introductory session with Paula here, or find out more about her writing here.

The post How to Journal Properly appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

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People pleasing is complicated. On one hand it feels like you have everyone’s best interests at heart, that you’re a genuinely GOOD person. People are grateful and express this with compliments and expressions of gratitude that send an almighty kick of oxytocin into your system. This makes you feel wonderful, that you have a place in this world, and that you are valued.

However, it can also leave us depleted, exhausted and with little left for our own goals and issues. What’s more, it’s easy to get lost in other people’s lives, listening to their problems, picking up their mess, making sure they are okay…so easy that it’s a convenient way to distance yourself from whatever is going on in your own life that you don’t want to see.

People pleasing can give us status, meaning and connection, but do it too much and it can become a trap.

Too much people pleasing can start to make you feel resentful and it’s a hard habit to break once you’re in. People expect that lift; for you to cover for them at the office; that you’ll listen to their moans about the boss over and over again. Saying “No” becomes difficult. You feel that you’re letting people down. Even worse, they may make you feel like you are! You may start to feel resentful, which can spill over into passive aggression. Or, even worse, if you try and push this down, explode when you least expect it.

Goodbye Dreams

And what about your own dreams, your own path? That’s slowly been demoted to bottom of the list and you have a feeling that you’re so far from your own path that it’s not worth even making the attempt to do something for yourself. What about all these obligations? You can’t just let go of these.

Why not? One, because you’re in this too deep and two, because you’re worried what other people will think of you. Maybe you’ll look like a loser, someone who bottled it, who just couldn’t keep it together. Or perhaps you feel people will be disappointed in you, or that their doubts about you will be confirmed. “People” could mean people in general, or you have someone’s image in your head: your parents, your colleagues, your partner or family.

Perhaps you do have some ideas for change in your life: a change of job or career. More education or some travel? Or you maybe just have a sense that something needs to change but you’re not quite sure what it is. However, even the thought of exploring that feels like a betrayal, a sign to your family that you’re not happy and how would that make them feel?

Any of this strike a nerve with you? Hmm, you’re well and truly stuck aren’t you?

Well…maybe, maybe not.

Resources

One thing we can do is look for those times when we did do something for ourselves, or stood up for ourselves. We can recognise the resources we used when we did that, or the support we put in place. While such times may not immediately spring to mind, you most probably can think of some instances. For myself, it was deciding to go back to University to do a Masters, even though I was a single mum to three children and running my own business. My decision meant that they had to learn to look after themselves in practical ways that now underpin their self-esteem as adults (they were teenagers at the time, I might add).

What was going on when you were able to stay No, or didn’t step in to offer help as you usually do? What resources did you have to look after yourself? How did you get others to step up and take responsibility for themselves?

7 Activities to Help You Stop People Pleasing and Caring What Other People Think Of You

Here are some actions to help you move from a place of people pleasing to pleasing yourself. You don’t have to work through them in any particular order, and you can get working with more than one at a time.

Discover Yourself

Have your own agenda. Move your attention from other people and onto yourself. This won’t happen in the course of a day, but there are some rewarding activities you can do to start this process.

One of the first things is to look at what you want from your own life. If we turn the focus back to ourselves it becomes harder for others to pull us off the path with their own agenda, but first we have to truly know what it is we want. Sometimes I work with clients who have never truly asked themselves this question.

A Values exercise is a nice way to start this. You can do it yourself by listing the Values that are important to you in your life. Some of my own values, for instance, are:

Creativity

Tranquillity

Intelligence

Learning

Growth

Health

Intimacy

Try to bring you list down to 10 Values. Write these out and put them somewhere you can see. Near your desk, in a journal or on your fridge for instance. Every now and then touch base with them. Do you think you are living those values?

Tranquillity is a big one for me, for example. I have to feel that I have space in my life to think and time to do nothing. I try to build these in but if life gets too frenetic I know that I’m not living that value. The result is that my stress levels get higher of course, but I also feel that my life is “off” somehow and I need to bring myself back to that Value. Usually that means dropping something or saying NO to a few things.

I have worked with clients who literally start crying when they see that a Value that is hugely important to them, such as Intimacy or Playfulness, is absent from their life. It’s  a powerful moment.

The next step on that path is finding what you truly want. You may know already but if you don’t here are some activities that can help you explore that:

• Journaling
• Make a Vision Board
• Read autobiographies and see what type of lives draw you
• Talking to other people about what they enjoy about their lives, their jobs
• Taking some time off to travel or have an adventure
• Doing a course – any course – to  open your mind
• Exploring with a coach or therapist (if you would like to work with me on your own people pleasing tendencies, please book a chat with me here.)
• Remember what you wanted to be when you were a child, a teenager, a young adult
• Try out some Possible Selves without committing yourself to it (read Herminia Ibarra’s book Working Identity for a great introduction to this theory)
• Read self-development books to discover more about yourself

When you think you know what you want, assess how much you want it. If it’s a merely an “oh that would be nice”, then you haven’t found it yet. It needs to make you excited, to touch that flame inside.

Make self-care a priority

If you’ve been catering for everyone else’s needs your own self-care may be pretty low on the list. It may be a trite and well used phrase but you need to put on your own oxygen mask first or, long term, you will be no use to anyone, least of all yourself.

You may think self-care is indulgent or that you can’t afford pampering. It even make you feel guilty (a huge clue that it’s what you need). At this point I am going to invite you to do it anyway and just sit with those feelings. After all, they are just feelings, not necessarily the truth. Learning to look at our thoughts and feelings but not let them lure us away down a rabbit hole is an important part of this process.

Each week, I challenge you to up level your self-care, i.e. do something more for yourself. It doesn’t have to involve lots of money or taking yourself off to a spa for a few days, although if that’s an option by all means go for it. Here are some suggestions:

• Basics – if anything is niggling, see a doctor or specialist. Get those teeth checked, book in an appointment with a chiropodist or physiotherapist
• Get a health MOT – weight, bloods etc. Decide to take responsibility for yourself
• Have a massage, facial
• Take a nap in the afternoon
• Get to bed twenty minutes earlier
• Drink more water
• Eat more veg
• Lower the cabs
• Lower your sugar intake
• Reduce your alcohol intake
• Have a facial, pedicure or manicure
• Take an hour long bubble bath
• Treat yourself to some gorgeous shower gel
• Sit and do nothing
• Meditate
• Get a haircut and colour
• Go for a run, yoga session or join a Zumba class
• Follow a HIIT video on YouTube
• Learn how to make your own face mask from things you have lying in your cupboards

The list is endless and you can have fun exploring what makes you feel the most pampered and what you will be bringing into your regular routines. I have 99 more ideas here.

Assess The Impact

This is where we look at how much this has impacted on your life, up until now. Go through the following questions, answering as honestly as you can.

What do I do regularly that does not fall in with my Values or Path?

What takes me away from my Value or Path?

What have I done in the past that did not support my Values or Path?

What has taken me away from my Value or Path?

Which people have I tried to please in the past?

Are there people with whom do not behave in this way?

Are there people that I look to for validation and respect?

How has that affected what I do or the way I interact with them?

Are there people that I don’t look to in this way?

How has that affected what I do or the way that interact with them?

What difficulties have I got in due to this behaviour?

Build in Space

This is where we start to change our interactions with others. You are going to stop yourself from acting on impulse by building in some breathing space. This is two-fold. You are training both yourself and other people.

Let’s start by putting other people in a holding pattern. So, when someone asks for a favour, if you’d like to come out that weekend or join their new book group, just build in a little delay before you commit. All it takes is a “Let me check with my diary and I’ll let you know”, or “My head’s a bit full with something else at the moment. Can I think on it and get back to you,” In short, pause before you rush in and say yes. Use this time to consider:

Do I really want to do this?

Why do I want to do this? Is it for me or because I want to make them happy?

If you decide that you don’t want to do whatever it is, you can just say “No”, that doesn’t work for me tonight, or ”No, I don’t think I fancy that.”  No need for elaborate excuses or stories. If someone challenges you then you perhaps need to be asking them why can’t they accept and respect your answer.

Of course, sometimes you will want to do whatever it is. Sometimes you will genuinely want to help. But that space allows you to decide not give a knee jerk reaction and beat yourself up for it later. It also reminds others that your time and your headspace is important. You have things going on in your life. There are other things you need to be thinking on and giving your attention.

Next, you’re going to build in that same space before you offer to help someone of your own accord. This is trickier and you’ll need to rely on your own self-discipline here. It could be a 5 minute rule that you apply, a 24 hour rule…whatever works for you. Be rigid in applying it and apply it to everything that fits.

If in doubt, consider…

Is this taking me away from my values and path?

Will it deplete my resources for my own journey and goals?

Reducing the need for outside Validation

This is a big part of people pleasing and caring what others thing. What we are doing, in fact, is using others to make us feel better and give us our worth. It’s quite selfish and could even be manipulative if you look at it that way. A true feeling of self-worth comes from inside so let’s look at building that up.

Ways to help with this include journaling, so that you get to know and appreciate yourself intimately. Additionally, start a practice of gratitude but making sure that you include yourself within this. So, for example, being grateful to yourself for setting aside the time to do a good job on that special project.

Acknowledge your own achievements to yourself and celebrate them. You can share this with others, but not if you only need their acknowledgement and approval for you to really feel that success.

Practise making decisions for yourself, and relying on your own judgment. Start with the little things and work up to big decisions. Being able to take responsibility for these really does help a feeling of intrinsic self-worth, as does deciding to do something and see it through to the end.

Ask for help

People pleasers rarely ask for help. We struggle on, convinced that asking for help would be a form of weakness, but at the same time maybe feeling resentful that people can’t see we could do with a hand. Asking for help is a skill that some people have and are happy to use when they need it some people abuse it.

Begin by asking for small things, perhaps for extra mayonnaise at a restaurant or asking your son to mow the lawn. Build it up. Admit vulnerability, “Actually I’m struggling with this – could you give me a hand.” Most people genuinely like to help and you are unlikely to be taking advantage. Sometimes, if you’ve always been the one to do the helping, people may react with surprise, but don’t be frightened of this. It’s part of the process.

Asking for help leads to another skill that people pleasers may not have used properly: delegating. We don’t have to do everything ourselves. Indeed, by handing over some jobs to a junior colleague we are also aiding in their development as well as our own.  That feeling that you are giving away some control is scary but, once again, we need to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.

Step Seven: Tune Into Your Body

So many of us live in our heads nowadays, but it’s there where we can get caught up in patterns and repeat history over and over again. Body work is liberating. It allows us to tune into out body and get more accustomed to picking up on how we are really feeling about something.

You can start by building more physicality into your life. This can be pure exercise like running or swimming, yes, but activities like yoga and dance help us tap into the right hand side of our rain, our creativity and imagination. One form of dance that is particularly good for this is Qoya work created by Rochelle Schieck.  There are plenty of free Qoya videos on Vimeo that you can try here.

Again, that stillness and space that yoga creates can produce the same thing and help you tune into your body. What this does is bring you closer to your intuition which can give you clues as to how you really feel about things. Perhaps you notice that your shoulders tense up when you think about a certain colleague at work, or that you grind your teeth when you go to sleep after spending too much time on social media.

All these things are clues to how you really feel. You can use that information to make more informed decisions. You may decide not to trust that colleague or that you need to reduce your time on social media, even though your friends love it. In short, learn how to please yourself.

If you would like to work with me on your people pleasing tendencies, please book a chat with me here.

The post How to Stop People Pleasing appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

The subject of  how to build resilience is one that comes up again and again. Call it what you will – mental toughness, resilience, that ability to bounce back, having a thick skin – one thing that is clear is that it can really help us navigate those difficult times in our lives.

Cultivating Mental Toughness

So, what helps people build up their mental toughness or resilience? What can you implement in your life right now that can help you cope with the dark days? Here are some thoughts on things that may work for you.

Calm Down

When we are stressed we are often highly emotional and not thinking straight. We may find ourselves making bad decisions, or saying things we regret. This is because our brain’s limbic system is being activated – the primeval part of our brain that thinks we are just about to wrestle with a panther. One thing that will help enormously is learning how to calm down and step away.

People will do this in different ways. Some will find yoga and meditation work really well and these are the classics. Others like long walks in the country. Reading works for me: a good novel that pulls me in and keeps me absorbed. Active relaxation is better for us than passive relaxation, so walking, running or doing something like cooking or painting is better than collapsing on the sofa with Netflix and a glass of Rioja.

One of the quickest ways to calm down (and it’s also very effective in helping you drop off to sleep if you do it in bed) is 7/11 breathing. This involves breathing in to your abdomen for a count of 7, and then out, slowly, for a count of 11. If you can’t quite match those numbers, 4 and 6, or 5 and 8 will do – as long as your outbreath is longer than the inbreath.

The Control Factor

Think about what’s coming at you right now. It’s likely to be a mixture of things that you can and can’t control. The trick is to separate them. Separate an A4 sheet of paper into three sections vertically. In column one, write all the things you think you can’t control – getting made redundant, what’s going on with Covid. When you move to the next section, list the things you can control – how often you exercise, the food that you eat, or the quality of work that you do. In the third section, look at what you can influence. You may not be able to control your teenage son and his behaviour, but you could perhaps influence by finding him a mentor, having discussions etc.

Self-care

Being gentle with yourself is something worth mentioning. So what if you want to indulge in chocolate a little more than usual (now and again), or decide to sleep in another hour (and can!). Keeping ourselves to some perfect or even punishing schedule may help foster the idea that we are being disciplined. That is not true mental toughness. Resilience is about being to bend, to be flexible. I have worked with wellbeing consultant Rachel McGuinness, delivering workshops on this subject, and we like to use the terms “flex” and “sway”.  There has to be some give, so we don’t break!

I have written an article on 99 ideas for self-care here and, out of these, something should appeal!

Be authentic

Whilst we don’t want to wallow and ask people to join our pity party, it’s important to let others know if you are going through a tough time. Yes, they may give you a break, but being open about our struggles is vital and sets an example where others feel empowered to do so too. You don’t have to go into all the gory details, but sharing a little not only helps people understand if you are struggling, but helps foster stronger connections too.

Rediscover your strengths

Think back to a time when you delivered that great presentation, gave a great interview, asked out your partner, aced that exam or succeeded at something that matters to you. Don’t just pick one example, but make a list, a bit like a gratitude list, but focusing on your achievements. This is just for you. You don’t have to brag or show it to anyone else. Remember how good you felt, and what that allowed you to move on to. Conjure up your struggles too – how hard you worked, all those hours you put in, or how you got past your nerves.  Dwell on this daily!

Cultivating resilience and the ability to bounce back is something I often work on with my clients as it’s vital for every single one of us. Although, of course, life can throw things at us in many different form. Book a chat with me if you’d like to discuss navigating your own challenges.

The post How to Build Resilience appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Ideas For Self-Care You Can Start Today

However, self-care is more than just a bubble bath or luxury candle. I’ve put together a list of fun, interesting and pampering things you can do for yourself – ideas for self-care.  Some are cheap (or free!), others not so, but all will give you some ideas on how to up-level your own self-care. You may love some, hate some, or just feel meh about others, but they are worth trying, especially when it’s hard to come up with things on your own. Self-care can also help us address our needs in many different ways so it’s still important, even when things are going well.

1. Breathing

This can be done anywhere. It can ease anxiety, promote relaxation and clear-thinking. One minute of relaxing breathing every day is something everyone can fit in. Here are some easy techniques to start with…

2. Your own tea ceremony

The Japanese knew what they were doing when they created the tea ceremony. You can do the same with your morning tea or coffee, using it as an exercise in mindfulness and drinking it slowly and with intention. No radio or news in the background, no phone. Just you, your beverage and pure enjoyment. This is a lovely piece about making it more formal.

3. Doing puzzles

Puzzles can include sudoku, futoshiki, and crosswords, both quick & cryptic. There is a sense of achievement when you succeed, as well as being distracted from negative thoughts. You can find crosswords online here, but there’s nothing like curling up with a newspaper and a pen.

4. Reading

It sounds pretty simple, yes, but how many of us regularly take time out to read without feeling guilty? This means reading for enjoyment, not to keep up with work or news.

5. Join a book group

Joining a book group encourages reading as there’s nothing like a deadline. It also has a social element to it which is great for staving off feelings of isolation.

6. Laughter

Laughter produces a cathartic physical response that can expel a lot of the stress curled up in our bodies. It also increases endorphins and reduces stress hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine. While you may love catching up with the latest dark TV thriller box-set, bringing some humour into your TV favourites is an easy way to bring more laughter into your life. My own favourites are Frasier and the IT crowd. If you’re stuck for ideas this article will get you started.

7. Singing

Singing is fantastic for raising mood and done regularly will have a huge impact on your well-being.  This article in Time magazine talks about how singing can actually change our brains.

8. Join a choir

This will encourage you to sing regularly and add the social element of companionship into the mix. I know many people who say singing in a choir has transformed their life. One of them, productivity coach Jo Dodds says of her own choir “We’ve done the Verdi Requiem just this evening! Good for self-care on so many levels! Mindfulness, diaphragmatic breathing, teamwork, achievement, dopamine, oxytocin, positivity, delight in the music, etc etc!!”

 9. Yoga or Pilates

This can be anything from a retreat to a class to a video (or YouTube workout) at home. Or just add in a few asanas as you get dressed in the morning or unwind before bed. The benefits of Yoga and Pilates are huge and widely accepted. They include lowering stress and anxiety as well as reducing inflammation and depression and strengthening muscles and improving posture.  I know from my own point of view I feel stiffer when I don’t do my yoga stretches.  Here is a roundup of YouTube yoga Channels

10. Spending time with your pets

Pets lower blood pressure and make our life richer. Instead of looking upon the dog walk as a chore, think of it as a time to nourish yourself with quality time.  I often work with a cat on my desk, just letting its purring soothe me. Here’s my cat Bamboo! If you haven’t got a cat you can ask Alexa to play you cat purring sounds.

11. Get a pet

If you don’t already have one, adopting a pet from a rescue centre will bring many benefits into your life, not to mention someone else to love and be loved by. It may sound counter-intuitive, after all, this will be more work, but the rewards can be well worth it. If you don’t want to go that far offer to walk someone else’s dog.

12. Get up early

Just that extra half hour or even hour can make a big difference to your day. It means you can create a nourishing routine like journaling, yoga or meditation. Alternatively, you can use the time as a breath or pause before the day, perhaps visioning what you would like to happen or achieve in the coming hours. It also means you are less likely to be rushed and stressed getting out of the house. One of my favourite blogs, Zen Habits, has this advice for getting in the habit.

13.Uplevel your habits

Think of a habit you would like to adopt and focus on integrating that into your life. The feeling of achievement from doing that is a lovely boost and hopefully you’ll also have an additional healthy habit as part of your lifestyle.

14. Do what you’ve always wanted to

My friend David Bailey, a tango teacher, has often shared that he’s always being told by people that “they would love to learn tango”, but only a small percentage ever get around to it. How sad is that? What is it that you’ve always wanted to do or learn? Can you make it happen? Even planning for it will boost your self-esteem as you are taking action rather than feel resentful that it’s not happening.

15. Get Crafty

Crafts such as knitting, stitching, making quilts etc. are very self-nourishing and you have something to show for it at the end. You can do this alone for some quality me-time, or join a group and benefit from the social aspect.

16. Wandering around an exhibition

This is a great idea for self-care. You’ll get visual and maybe social input if you’re with a companion, but it’s also a little different and time out of the normal routine. The Welcome Collection in London is one of my favourite exhibition spaces and often has free shows that are very thought-provoking.

17. Sleep

If you are sleep deprived, more sleep is a huge self-care activity. It has been shown to have a big impact on our longevity so worth tackling if you have an issue. Get a sleep tracker if you want to see how yours measures up.

18. Treat yourself.

Shopping has been linked with increasing our feel-good hormones. Even the anticipation of shopping can raise them. As long as you don’t have a spending habit and can afford it, why not treat yourself to something? If you’re short on cash, this doesn’t have to be a blow out. A new bubble bath, PlayStation game, or nice notebook can sometimes be enough.

19. Rest

Pure and simple rest. Are you getting enough of it? You don’t have to do anything at all. Just be.

20. Express your creativity

Get lost in the flow when you paint and get messy while you do it. It is inked with a positive mindset, among many other health benefits. The trick is not to let it become a source of pressure. It’s about the process rather than the end result. Starter art kits are very reasonable on Amazon or, better still, have a potter around an art shop.

21. The local pub quiz

Great for knowledge, training your memory and creating strong bonds with your team. What’s more it gets you out in the local community which helps give you a sense of belonging.

22. Drink more water

We all know we should be doing this but very people actually manage it. A nice little tip is to fill two litre bottles first thing in the morning and use them as your water source during the day, that way you can keep tabs and see how far you have to go. You will feel more hydrated, refreshed, and your brain will be better able to do its work. It should be evident in your skin too. Here are some hacks to help you drink more.

23. Read Romancing the Ordinary

This book by by Sarah Ban Breathnach has some lovely ideas to indulge and pamper yourself following the rhythm of the seasons.

24. Swim

As well as being a fantastic all-round exercise, swimming is wonderful for getting into a meditative state, or just fun if you splash about with friends and family.

25. Phone a friend

Whilst self-care is often focused on doing things alone, reaching out to others can bring huge benefits too. Chatting with an old friend, or a friend that you know will make you feel good, is much more personal and rewarding than a text or Facebook comment. For both of you.

26. Colour

Even though the craze seems to have quietened down a little, colouring is still a relaxing and calming pastime (and one that you can do even while the kids are around). It’s long been one of the tools of art therapists, partly because it’s good for getting the creative right-hand side of the brain working.

27. Set boundaries

Self-care means saying no to people at times, even if you feel a little guilty for doing so.

28. Lean on your faith

If you have a faith that matters to you, learning more about it, or re-connecting with others in the community, will help you focus on your spiritual life, something it’s so easy to ignore. What would up-levelling your faith mean for you? Going to Church a little more often, reinstating the Shabbat, reading The Koran or just chatting with people who share your faith?

 29. Explore faith

Perhaps you don’t really have a faith but are feeling that something is missing. Exploring different faiths and beliefs can provoke pivotal questions you may never have imagined previously. This isn’t to say that everyone needs to have a faith but being part of a religious community – any religious community – is linked to a longer life and increased immune system. If it’s something you’ve been wondering about, it could be time to start exploring for yourself.

 30. Start a bedtime routine

This will not only encourage you to get more sleep, but also provide a nourishing ritual that you’ll look forward to. Think soft lighting, fluffy dressing gown, silk pyjamas, a warm milky drink, deliciously soft bed socks, cosy blankets…whatever works for you.

 31. Discover Audible

On a related note – for me a least – discover the delights of Audible Personally, I love drifting off to sleep to the sound of someone reading to me. It’s also a great way to listen to those hefty and heavy (literally) novels that you wouldn’t want to carry around. Last year my son and I listened to Anna Karenina and this year it’s Crime and Punishment. These are huge books that I would never pick up in a bookshop but having someone read it to me is a different thing altogether and such a treat. But it doesn’t have to be anything worthy or literary, just being read to is enough.  This is an interesting piece on what happens to your brain when you listen to a story.

 32. Get your health sorted

If there’s anything that’s an issue, even just a niggle, get it sorted. This could mean getting that mammogram, booking that dental appointment or signing up for health insurance. So many people look after our cars better than their own health, let’s not be one of them.

 33. Try Qoya.

Quoya free dancing is a fantastic way to tune in with your body and release tension. There are some great and free videos that you can try at home here

 34. Free dancing taken further

If you like Qoya you might like to look for a Five Rhythms class (sometimes called Ecstatic Dancing). Here you’ll experience a similar thing, but alongside others. It may feel weird at first, especially for those that like a bit of structure, but it’s an amazing way to really unwind and tap into your wild side!

 35. Experiment in the kitchen

It’s easy to get into the habit of cooking the same old thing – functional cooking. Try out some new recipes (even better, treat yourself to a beautiful new cookbook) and let your creativity flow.

 36. Cooking with someone else

Some may find this stressful but for some people it’s a great way to bond and have fun. Put on a great playlist and boogie away while you chop or learn new methods or cuisines.

 37. Audit your friends

Look at who you spend time with and ask yourself if they drain or energise you? Do they soothe you, or stress you with their dramas? Whilst it’s good to help a friend in need and offer a shoulder to cry on now and again, if you are doing this all the time, it can be tiring. Make a choice to spend more time with those than fill you up, rather than deplete.

38.  Force yourself to get out

Whilst some of us need to retreat to find our self-care, some people already feel isolated and self-care for them is about getting out and about and seeing people. Sometimes, that’s easier said than done if you’re short on cash or in the habit of staying at home and just can’t be bothered. For you, it’s choosing habits and treats that will get you out: a walk with a friend costs nothing.

 39.Book a day trip!

Get it in the diary.

40. Invest in some supplements

I know there are mixed thoughts on this one but many swear by certain supplements. Floradix is great when you’re feeling tired or run down), for instance. Do a little research to find what might be useful for you.

41.  Go sailing

The wind in your hair, the sun on your face, just feeling the balance of the boat with and knowing there is nowhere else you should be right now.

 42.Take yourself on an artist’s date

An artist’s date is a phrase coined by Julia Cameron in her book The Artist’s Way. It’s about setting a regular date to take yourself off, on your own, and try something new, open yourself to new experiences and take some time out to let your creativity percolate.

43.  Play board games

Whether it’s traditional Monopoly or Scrabble or something more modern, board games are fun, stress-relieving and bonding (well, as long as you don’t argue!) It also gets everyone off their phones!

 44. Cold water swimming

Many people find it invigorating.  I‘ve been doing this for almst a year since moving to Folkestone, and can say that I have definitely noticed the benefits.

 45. Watch your favourite film

If you have a go-to film that you know always puts you in a great mood then put it on. For me it’s Under The Tuscan Sun, Lawrence of Arabia and The Godfather.

46. Nap

We’ve already mentioned sleep, but napping is really treating yourself. Keep it to either 15 or 90 minutes so you don’t wake up in the middle of a sleep cycle and feel groggy.

47. Put your phone away 

Cut out that ongoing drama with your phone and set yourself times when you will check it. It might be a hard habit to break but it will make you feel less anxious in the long run.

 48. Have a clean up

Not for all, as for some people this feels like a punishment, but for some, self-care involves having the environment clean, tidy and organised and they actually enjoy doing this themselves! Here’s a look at the positive psychology behind this.

 49. Find a way of exercising that suits you

It’s true that until you don’t find an exercise that you enjoy for its own sake, and have that intrinsic motivation, that you are less likely to keep it up. You need to cover the three main bases: stamina, strength and suppleness, but you don’t have to do them all at the same time. Finding an exercise you love turns it from a chore into something that nourishes you.

 50. Join an online supportive community

Whilst I encourage people to get offline as much as possible, having an online community of people who have your back is a good thing for many.

51. Light a candle

Again, sometimes the simplest things can add such depth to our lives. Perhaps it’s that soft light that signals our brain that it’s safe to calm down, perhaps it’s the connotation of sacredness, or maybe it’s the scent itself if you are using a scented candle, but candlelight does have relaxing qualities.

 52. Add rituals to your life

You can light a candle when you finish work (or arrive home from work) to signal that it’s time to unwind. Another self-loving ritual is to adopt Sun Salutations first thing in the morning and welcome in the day. But use them as rituals to mark a transition or point in time and bring another layer into your life. 

 53. Self massage hands and feet

You can do this with a sweet smelling body lotion or hand cream or ready made massage oil. It’s very soothing and we still get the benefits of touch even if we are touching ourselves. Here are some suggestions for self-massage

 54. Have a massage

There are so many to choose from, from aromatherapy to shiatsu to hot stones.

55. Have a massage at home

Find a mobile massage therapist who will come to the house in the evening. This means that you can slip into your PJs post massage and go straight to bed in a gorgeous state of dreamy bliss and get a great night’s sleep.

56.  Monitor your thoughts

If you start feeling negative about someone, or hear your inner critic nagging on again, choose to distract yourself with something positive. Some people find wearing an elastic band and snapping it every time they have a negative thought helps them move to something more positive. Here’s an interesting article on some ways to distract yourself from negative thoughts

 57. Journal.

Journalling has long been recognised as a way to spot our negative thought patterns, think through issues and just reflect on our lives and where we are with them. Some people keep their journal and look back to observe what’s changed. I tend to fill mine and then chuck once they’ve done their work. Some people have a journal writing time or ritual, some just write when they have a spare few minutes. The truth is there is no way you can do this wrong!

 58. Get a personal trainer (or yoga instructor) to come to you.

If they’re coming to your house you have no excuse not to show up!

 59. Leave a bad relationship

Probably one of the most important self-care actions you could ever do for yourself. It may be hard but there is support out there if you ask. Here’s something I came across that might help unravel a little of the self-blame that goes with it.

 60. Get therapy

Unresolved issues can trap you in patterns of behaviour that keep you stuck. I believe everyone can benefit from having therapy at some point in their lives. You can get therapy free via your GP, although you may have to go on a waiting list. If you’d like to discuss working with me, you can book a free consultation here.

61. Organising a drawer, shelf or cupboard

Starting small and just re-organising one drawer or cupboard is enough to make us feel more in control of our surroundings and give us a sense of achievement.

 62. Have a party to celebrate something

It may be a bit of work, but celebrating something can be a splendid way to express gratitude and celebrate your achievements. Indeed, why not get your friends to help with the work while you at it!

 63. Feel Gratitude

On a related note, keeping a gratitude list is also very self-empowering. Whilst popular belief is that we should be doing it every day, studies suggest that we should actually do it no more than once or twice a week so that it doesn’t become another thing on our to do list. Just make a list of 3/5 or how many things for which you are grateful right now.

 64. Get a camera

If you like taking photos of what’s around you, a proper camera will cut that umbilical cord between you and your phone.

 65.Monitor your social media

Be aware of how it makes you feel. Does a rant on Twitter make you angry? A picture on Instagram trigger feelings of inadequacy? Be curious about how social media impacts on you and your feelings.

 66. Choose right

Get in the habit of choosing the most beneficial option. Chocolate or strawberries? If your rule is to choose the healthiest, then you don’t need to angst over little decisions like these. You almost always know which is the right option.

 67. Have a sauna or steam

Let the heat soothe you into blissful oblivion.

 68. Open a fresh bar of scented soap

 69. A full declutter.

For some this is an obvious form of self-care and they will feel invigorated and energised as they do it. Others will feel as though it’s a chore but, nevertheless, the benefits are tremendous. Not only is your environment cleared, but you will probably be able to think a lot clearer too and may feel lighter and liberated after a big clear out. Those of the more woo woo persuasion also talk about making space energetically for new ideas and opportunities to come into your life.

 70. Time-out

Enjoy a drink of your choice and a magazine or newspaper for half an hour.

71. Make a pilgrimage.

It could be a religious pilgrimage, a visit to a favourite author’s home, or a journey back to the place where you grew up. Make space for a visit that means more than just a holiday or day out.

 72. Eat chocolate

One lovely self-care chocolate related tip is to go into a posh chocolate shop or counter and pick one, just one, divine hand-made or boutique chocolate. That way you get all the delicious sweetness and a sense of luxury. It could be a regular treat, trying out all the different options, tastes and varieties.

 73. Travel solo

Take a trip alone. Solo travelling is a wonderful chance to think about your life, refresh yourself and enjoy some space and solitude. If you’re not used to being alone you may find this challenging at first, but it can become addictive.

 74. Forgive someone

We have all heard that harbouring resentment is harmful for you. A positive self-nurturing step is to make a decision to forgive someone. You can create a little ritual out of this such as writing a letter and burning it (don’t send it). The important thing is that you forgive and move on.

75. Forgive yourself

Likewise, forgive yourself. If there’s something you wish you had done, or not done, accept that it’s gone. Perhaps you can make restitution and turn your guilt into something positive? Or perhaps that’s not applicable. But forgiving yourself is important.

 76. Ask for help

Struggling on alone is something I see my clients do on a regular basis. Sometimes,I am the only person that knows that they are feeling like this. Talking to people around you and asking for help, even if it is as simple as asking your teenager to cook dinner once a week, can help give you a chink of breathing space that makes all the difference.

 77. Address addictions

We don’t have to live with an addiction, even though you may feel like you are doomed to carry it around for life. The 12 step process popularised by Alcoholics Anonymous has been adopted and adapted by many other areas, and you may be able to find help via a group that uses this.  As a therapist, I also work both with addictive addictions and those who are concerned about relapse.

78. Play

We often forget about plating but studies show it has huge benefits. Go back to when you were a child and play a little. Head to the local park for some swing time or hit the fairground. Jump in puddles or play about with some play doh. Nurture your inner child a little.

 79. Learn something

It doesn’t have to be a language or anything worthy. You can take a class in anything from making macarons to bird watching. Or just learn how to play the guitar via Youtube. Get your head into the growth mindset, interact with others and give yourself some time out of the normal routine. As with crafting, you will have something tangible at the end, whether that’s new knowledge or something you’ve made or done.

80. Decide to change your job or career.

If you’ve been mulling over this for years, just remember that the indecision will never stop. Why not just do it and put the process into action?

 81. Give your bedroom a makeover

A new duvet, exotic smelling candle, meaningful picture on your bedside cabinet, fluffy rug for when you step out of bed first thing in the morning. Little upgrades to your bedroom will make you feel pampered and looked after.

 82. Get yourself a Fitbit

Or Apple watch. Or start using the app on your phone. Tracking your steps and heart rate helps keep you focused on your health goals.

83. Listen to your favourite music

Create a Spotify playlist of your favourite songs. In fact, you could even make one than one for your different moods: uplifting, cosy, sleepy.

84.  Do your taxes!

We all have those jobs we hate that sit around and bug us. Get them done and out of the way and you will feel better.

 85. Read life stories

If you’re going through a hard time at the moment, search out biographies of people who have overcome difficult situations. You will find them inspiring, motivational and may even get some concrete ideas from them.

 86. Get the little things done

Something small like getting a bulb for that bedside lamp that you haven’t been able to use for three months can still bring a great sense of achievement. Do it today and enjoy the sense of accomplishment at last!

 87. Make your bed

Get in the habit of making your bed if you don’t already. Here’s a great little book on what a difference it can make to your life.

88. Get some love

Ask some friends to tell you why they like you. A bit of a self-love fest this one but it can really perk you up and give you an insight into your strengths and attractive qualities.

 89. Let it out

Let yourself cry if you need to as it’s a great way to release all that stress and tension as this article shows. Watch a bit of a weepy film if you need a catalyst.

 90. Reduce your to-do list

Setting yourself up with too much to do every day is cruel and self-sabotaging. Put less on your to-do list and let yourself feel that sense of accomplishment rather than frustration.

 91. Smile

Practise smiling at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself how beautiful you are every time you find yourself in front of one. If you find this difficult, just chose one feature, like your mouth or eyes, and start with that.

92. Experiment with affirmations

Tell yourself “I am strong”, “I am brave” or whatever appeals to you. They may not work for everyone, but some people find them extremely helpful. Check out this article for more on affirmations.

 93. Get outside

Get out in the fresh air every day. This could mean walking or cycling or it could equally be sitting in the garden with your morning tea, or hitting the park in your lunch hour. Wrap up warm so you’ve no excuses, and let nature help you unwind.

 94. Roll it out

Invest in some foam rollers and use them to roll out the stress from your muscles. They are also supposed to help with mobility and joint pain. You can find some videos to get you started here

 95. Visit the market

Potter around a farmers’ market and indulge in some high-quality local produce. Taste, chat to the producers and try something new.

 96. Do some gardening

If you don’t have a garden, consider getting an allotment or just helping out a friend or relative with theirs. You don’t have to go great guns and get the mower out, unless you want to. Pottering about and doing a little trimming here, a little watering there, can be relaxing and calming. There are many other health benefits as you can find out here.

 97. Use oils

Burn essential oils in an oil diffuser and use the power of smell to calm and permeate your surroundings. Good calming oils are Lavender, Rose, Ylang Ylang and Frankincense.

 98. Hug

Give someone a hug, and be hugged in return. You can even hug yourself. This isn’t as ridiculous as it sounds. Hugging yourself has been shown to reduce physical pain 

99. Create your own list

Sit down and work out what works for you. List the self-care activities you know help you and keep it somewhere handy to inspire when you need help.

Phew! That should keep you occupied.

The post 99 Ideas For Self-Care appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.