Parents sometimes ask me how they can support their child through therapy. Indeed, some of my clients are parents whose children are getting therapy someplace else, perhaps through a school counselling service. They’ve often come to work on their own anxiety, some of which is around their children. This has prompted me to put together some general advice for parents whose children are having therapy. I tend to work with teenagers and young adults, so these thoughts are geared towards them. However, if your child is younger and having therapy, I hope that you will still find something here to help.

Supporting a teenager who is undergoing therapy can be crucial for their well-being. Here are some ways you can provide support:

Appreciating confidentiality

If I am working with your child, then our work together is confidential. These are general ethics in our profession. The only time I can break that confidentiality is if I suspect your child of hurting themselves, others, or about to commit a crime. This means that I don’t discuss therapy sessions with you, apart from things like payments and timings. However, if there is something I think you, as a parent, need to know, I strongly encourage your child to tell you. If this is difficult for them, there may well be some work around communication within a session. Alternatively, your child can request that you join us for the next session and we discuss it together.

Confidentiality is an important part of the therapy relationship. Your child needs to feel that they can bring anything to the table.

The other time I may discuss a child’s therapy is with my supervisor (again, this is common to all therapists) who is there to make sure I am practising soundly, safely and ethically.

Communicate

The best thing you can do is let your teenager or young person know that you are there if they want to discuss anything that may have come up in a session, but don’t push. You can ask now and again if they’d like to talk, but let them take the lead. If they don’t, respect their privacy and back off!

What do you need right now?

One thing I like to teach my clients is how to tune into their own needs. So, something you might do after a session is to ask them what they need right now? This could be space, a hug, a hot chocolate, for you to do something (like make an appointment with the school), or time to talk something through.

I would also encourage you and your child to leave some space, post-therapy session, for them to process what’s come up, rather than rishing back into the thick of things.

Take it slowly

Therapy can take some time, and it is a process of change. It’s important to be patient and supportive throughout their journey. With many teenagers and young people, it can take time for them to establish trust and feel safe with a counsellor. 

Learn about therapy

Different therapists have different approaches. Some encourage talking alone, others focus on early childhood and family relationships, and others are quite goal-focused, bringing in tools and exercises. It’s worth thinking about what type of counsellor would suit your child. I have many teenagers who are very interested in the psycho-education I use around how the brain works and how the chemicals it creates can influence our emotions. Likewise, when they understand how anxiety is a natural mechanism that keeps us safe, they can feel more in control. 

I use a mixture of all of the above processes, but at its heart I am solution-focused. This means that we work on making things feel better as soon as possible. I set homework, or experiments, in between sessions. These are small practical pieces of work to keep things moving forwards.

Learn about mental health

Read about what’s going on for them. If they are anxious, knowing about the mechanics of anxiety can help you understand their world, and what’s going on for them.

Attend Sessions (if asked)

I occasionally ask a parent into a session, or part of one, This is always in agreement or at the request of the child. It could be that we need the parent’s support for new behaviors the child wants to practise, or something has come up that they would like to talk about in my presence. It does not mean that anything is drastically wrong or that this is family therapy.

Encourage Consistency:

Even though these years are a time for finding selves and individuating from parents and carers, they still need all the help they can get with structure and a consistent routine. I have had parents swap shifts so they can get their children to sessions regularly and on time. Missing sessions sets us back and weakens the work. 

Cultivate a supportive home

It’s not wrong for some teenagers to crave attention (this isn’t a bad thing, we all need attention) and a sense of being looked after. This isn’t difficult to provide, but may involve looking at what added stressors can be removed from the home environment for the moment.

Help with the basics

It’s interesting how much a good night’s sleep, nutritious food, regular exercise and staying hydrated can improve mental health. This is something you can help promote, or even encourage. I’ve worked with teenaers who have asked their parents to sign them up for skateboarding or karate classes. This has helped promote physical health, a sense of achievement and improve social skills. Find out what your teenager enjoys and encourage it. 

Encourage a sense of control

Give your teenager a hand in deciding the therapist. Get them to decide on the dinner menu at home at least once a week. However, along with control comes responsibility, so encouraging this through jobs like taking the bins out and cooking once a week. Don’t under-estimate the importance of building self-esteem through achievement.

Watch, but don’t fuss

Do keep an eye out for any signs of crisis or deterioration in their mental health. If you notice concerning behaviour, reach out to their therapist, GP or mental health professional. Better still encourage them to do so and create a sense of autonomy and responsibility.

Nurture your relationship

As teenagers grow into young adults, your relationship can feel increasingly strained,or even non-existent at times. Don’t give up though! Spend quality time with your teenager. Even if this is playing X-box or silently watching a film together. Find out what they are interested in and at least learn a bit about it – you don’t have to go skateboarding with them but knowing the moves at least gives you some common language.

Building and maintaining a strong emotional connection can provide a buffer against life’s challenges. Likewise, tell them about the challenges in your own life, and how you overcame them, without preaching. Show them your own vulnerability. 

I work with teengers, young people and worried parents whose children are having therapy elsewhere. I see clients online and in Folkestone and Hythe in East Kent. Contact me or book a call for a 15 minute chat about how we could work together.

The post How To Support Your Child Through Therapy appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

• Parents who come home and moan about their workplace all evening but do nothing to get a new job or take action to make things better
• Those who spend too many hours working, or on their phone
• Not looking after their physical health by eating rubbish food and taking no exercise
• Losing their temper with children because they take no time out for themselves to calm down and lower their own stress and emotional arousal
• Smoking when they know it’s a bad habit they wouldn’t want their children to take up

How can we role model good mental health habits?

One useful thing that we can do for the generation/s below us, whatever our age, is to try and role model good mental health habits. When we sit in that therapy room it can be both empowering, and a little scary, to realise that everything we do impacts those around us. This is especially so if we have children or are working with younger people. Taking responsibilty for ourselves can empower others too.

What powerful things have we learned in our own lives can we share with younger people?  One way to illustrate this is by telling stories, offering advice or starting a discussion. Alternatively, we could just model these things through our own behaviour.

Examples that will positively impact our own mental health and help young people learn to do the same might be:

Setting Boundaries

These could include being firm about deadlines, when you are and are not working, things you will and will not do in your role, and what you will talk about. Explanations are the key here. Setting a hard deadline of Tuesday for a piece of work will have much more impact if you explain why it needs to be done by then – if someone else is waiting for the piece for instance. Likewise, explaining that you don’t work on weekends so that you keep that time free to wind down will help them to gain the confidence that it’s okay to value your own time and energy.

Taking time to wind down

I often hear my therapy clients tell me they know they “should be” taking exercise, meditating, walking or doing any one of a number of powerful things we all know are helpful in calming anxiety and stress levels. They often report feeling guilty and not having time. However, these things, deceptively simple as they are, are the key to managing our anger and irritability.

Why not show those around you that you care enough for them to look after yourself, and put yourself in a good place for them? They will grow up with the knowledge that looking after themsleves is okay, and that they too can take some control over their own feelings and emotions.

Being kind

Gossip is an underestimated factor in mental health. This includes both gossiping about others, as well as worrying if others are talking about you. Setting a no gossip tone helps people feel safer and more comfortable.

If someone else is struggling, a conversation about how we can all be kind to them, even thinking in practical terms, helps everyone emerge feeling much happier.

Finally, don’t forget about being kind to yourself. This includes taking time out for self-care, as well as refusing to let that inner critic take over.

Looking after yourself

You don’t have to nag about eating greens and drinking water. If young people see you eating rubbish, it’s not unlikely that they will take that as the norm. Set the bar higher, ask them how they look after themselves, and start the conversations that show them that health should be a priority. Get to bed at a decent hour, or see a therapist about your insomnia, and let them see how important sleep is.

If you’re having a hard time cutting down your smoking, talk to them about it. Let them see that stopping struggle can be a struggle…but in the end it is worth it. What story does that tell them about overcoming hard challenges? You never know, one day they may be thinking, “if mum/dad can stop smoking, then I can do this.”

Get off the phone

If we are on the phone, our attention is turned away to some virtual person or website. It is not with the people we are with. Apart from showing respect, this models good manners and highlights that you don’t need to be glued to your phone to get on. No phone rules at the diner table are a great place to start with this, as well as when you’re all sat down watching TV together.

Learn from them

Older people are not the experts in everything. I learn so much from young people, from how Bitcoin works, to why they are turning off the news for their mental health. Listening and learning from them reminds them that they too have the ability to influence others, and how powerful is that?

My one hour seminar on creating 7 habits for your mental health is ideal for young people. Please contact me here or book in a chat to discuss this for your organisation.

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