If there’s one thing I always wanted to instil within my own children, it was a love of reading. I see reading as excellent self-care. Reading can transport you away from the stress and anxieties of daily life. With a good book, this can even happen within a couple of pages. For many, reading can be more accessible than meditation.  It may not produce those alpha or even theta brainwaves that are linked with meditation, but it has many benefits.

There are countless numbers of universes waiting to be discovered, all just by opening a book.

Too Stressed To Read?

First, just notice that very fact is telling you that something is wrong, and perhaps it’s time to do something about it. Is something in particular bothering you? Or are your anxiety levels just high all round? You can take action over a particular issues, talk it through with a friend or colleague, or up your levels of self-care and relaxing activities. If it feels too much, then talking it through with a counsellor, like myself, should help.

Nevertheless, perhaps there is some way you can still get some joy and relaxation out of reading. One idea is to swap books for nespapers or magazines, perhaps. Sometimes, this can work well. However, do be careful about what you read. Newspapers are often full of stories of death, tragedy and disaster, which may not be helpful at all.

Magazines can be more of an escape, but again do be careful. You will often see a lot of advertisers and journalists setting impossible standards. We are told to buy this, to look like this, to dress our homes like this. It’s often another pressure in our already pressured lives. Even if you think you’re immune, it can creep under your skin without you knowing.

Another idea is to change your genre. Perhaps you can’t cope with your usual modern classic at the moment, but you may be able to plough through a page-turning thriller or historical romance? Above all, I recomend Audible for my clients who are having a problem focusing on reading a book. It can be lovely being read to before you go to sleep at night. You can pass time on long journeys, and dip in while you are walking the dog. If you belong to a library, they have their own version too

Getting into the Habit

If you’d like to add reading to your self-care, it really helps to make it a ritual. Where could you read? In bed on a Sunday morning, or last thing at night?  In the bath?

The commute, of course, is another great time. Even if you don’t commute, you can use that same time to pick up a book. It’s about developing the reading habit and seeing how much enjoyment we can get.

You can even listen to Audible and combine it with getting some exercise on a walk or run!

Benefits of reading as self-care

The benefits of reading are huge. The enjoyment of reading a great story itself: something that is hard-wired into us all. It’s also the opportunity to learn about new places, people and cultures. Joining a book club, even online, is an easy way to find a community and connection. If you use Audible, you can listen with a partner, and discuss what you think as we you go along.

Should you read self-help books?

If you are finding this useful, and relaxing, then yes, or course. Whatever works for you. My main point is that clients read something that distracts and relaxes: something that helps them escape from whatever is causing them stress in their lives. For me, and many of my clients, it’s only fiction that does that.

Finally, reading can help with so many of our human needs. It can give us a sense of privacy, of escaping into our own private world. It can help us connect with others, providing fodder for conversations or introducing us to new friends through a book club. Reading to our children helps us focus our attention on them, a key need for them. I’ve known couple who read to each other, a lovely intimate thing to do. It can also provide us with a sense of achievement: that lovely feeling when you finish a book that you’ve really enjoyed, or even finally worked your way through Anna Karenina!

Have you noticed that you just can’t concentrate and are too stressed to read lately? Contact me to arrange a no-obligation call if you’d like to do some work to lower stress levels and get you back into reading again.

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Author and therapist Mark Tyrell takes this further by looking at what happens if you get too much of one need. Or, how your natural need can leave you vulnerable to manipulation, cause rifts in relationships, or leave a trail of havoc in your own life. He relates tales of men so desperate for love they still carried on relationships even after they knew their girlfriends were stealing from them, or people so used to chasing status and being the best at what they do, that they fall into a deep depression when it inevitably gets proved that they are not “the best.”

My own favourite aha moment was reading about people who keep asking for advice and yet never take it (I mean friends here, not clients). This can be hugely frustrating, especially when, often as a third party, you can easily see what would help their situation. This, Tyrrell asserts, is actually a need for attention, not advice. All of a sudden, this behaviour now makes more sense.

This is an easy read. You could finish it in a couple of sittings, if you wished. I preferred to read a chapter at a time, digesting the behaviour analysis and stories from the author’s own experiences.

This book will be useful for therapists who are curious about the importance of our needs in driving our behaviour, as well as any person who wonders why they keep repeating the same harmful pattern over and over again.

Buy here: Dark Side of The Human Needs

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“Instantly there issued, like a guardian angel barring the way with a flutter of black gown instead of white wings, a deprecating, silvery, kindly gentleman, who regretted in a low voice as he waved me back that ladies are only admitted to the library if accompanied by a Fellow of the College or furnished with a letter of introduction.”

This is Virginia Woolf writing about her time at Oxford in the extended essay A Room of One’s Own. It’s now dated in many ways, being set in the era around WWI (although she does have a serious obsession with describing food that outdoes any of the foodies on Instagram today). However, the overwhelming premise is still there…we need both the space and the money to create, whether that be books or our own rich and full life.

Virginia Woolf’s essay was a ground-breaking publication questioning why the life of a Napoleonic general was more important than that of a shop girl, why football is taken more seriously than shopping, and why women fail to reach the ranks of great novelists (her thoughts were that they lack the life experience as they are too often caring for children.) She also made that famous edict that women need a room of their own and their own income of 500 pounds a year.

Virginia Woolf was definitely on the right track. We all need space of our own to breathe, reflect and just be ourselves.  The Human Givens approach focuses on our needs, and privacy is up there along with intimacy, security and meaning. Without privacy, our mental wellbeing is under threat.

Types of Space

Some of us are lucky enough to have rooms of our own, even if they are time in the shed or a corner where we park our laptop. However, even if we live with others, in cramped conditions, fighting for that space – even if it’s in the form of a daily walk on your own – is vital to our wellbeing.

When I grew up there used to be a running joke amongst the mothers about the husbands retreating to their garages or sheds for some alone time, mirrored by many sit-coms on TV. It doesn’t matter whether you are male or female, space of your own is a human need.

This space comes in many forms. For one of my clients it is time at a life drawing class, for another it is skateboarding. Many people I know relish walking the dog on their own, whilst others often build solo visits to coffee shops into their day – time and space to themelves, but still with the buzz of people around them.

The Need for Stuff

However, it’s not just space. Evolutionary psychology often looks back to our hunter gatherer ancestors and talks about our need to collect “stuff”. Yes, this can mean IPads and phone chargers, but in the context of self-care it can also mean that shawl you bought in Havana, those photos of your grandparents, the wooden parrot earrings you wore on your first date with your husband. You wouldn’t be seen dead wearing them now, but you don’t want to throw them away. Stuff that means something.

Of course, if you’re naturally a minimalist, this won’t mean anything to you. If you’d rather chuck than collect, do spare a thought and some understanding for those that like to have their possessions around them. It’s a human need, a yearning. These things are part of the story of who we are and we need space for them. This doesn’t have to mean that they are all on display, just accessible.

Taken further, this personal space is also where we can more easily slip into the silence, whether that’s to think, meditate, plan or create. Claiming some space is a form of self-care and I challenge you to do it. Even though I have my own bedroom, I would say my space is the bathroom.

My default way to refresh when under stress is to retreat to my bath. Here I read, I light candles, listen to Audible books, or relax to guided meditations. Soothed by the water and some exotic smelling bubble bath or essential oil, I drink tea, sip wine and day dream. I plan, I work through issues. It’s my own space and I relish being in it.

Things to Ponder

My question for you is where do you get that space in your daily and weekly routine? Can you get more of it, and what do you do with it? Are there ways you can make it more meaningful or restorative? If you’ve won the battle to get your teenager to cook diner a couple of times a week, do you waste that time on your phone, checking in on Facebook, or do you meaningfully take that half an hour to do a Pilates YouTube video, or just sit and relax with a cuppa or glass of wine?

Seeing a counsellor like myself is, of course, another way to craete space for yourself. Please do set up a chat if you would like to see if we would be a good fit for working together.

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What are The Human Givens and why use them in therapy?

The type of psychotherapy that I practice is called The Human Givens. Given that there are literally hundreds of different types of schools of therapy out there, it makes sense to start my blog with outlining The Human Givens, and why I have chosen to work with this school.

I’ve always been a fan of using your strengths. I think it is much more empowering to focus on what you can do, and use that to move forwards, rather than hark back to mistakes or dwell on weaknesses. This positive approach is something that first drew me to The Human Givens approach.

One of their founding concepts is that every human being comes into the world with needs. These have to be met for it to survive and thrive. Some are obvious – like shelter, food and water. Once these are fulfilled, the needs become more sophisticated. It is when these needs are not met, that mental health can start to suffer.  Like nutrition, without these fulfilled needs we will slowly wither.

What are these needs? How are you doing with them all?

Security

We need to feel secure and to have somewhere that we feel safe. It’s often when this disappears that people come to me. They may have started University or a graduate programme and everything feels new and unsafe. Or they have a new boss who has turned out to be a bit of a bully. In recent times we have had the pandemic, the invasion of Ukraine and now a fast rising price of living. Our sense of security is under threat.

Control

All of us need to feel that we have some sense of control. Being micromanaged can be very disheartening for instance, and impacts on our happiness at work. If a partner suddenly decides they no longer want to be with us, our feeling of control over the relationship and even our future can disappear in an instant.

Attention

A lack of attention can make us feel unwanted. Attention from others can give us a boost of self-esteem. We also need to give others attention. Both giving and receiving attention helps us feel connected and that we are worth something.

Connection

We all need to feel connected to at least someone else who accepts us. It could be a lover, a friend, or your mum. It doesn’t matter. When that sense of intimacy is no longer there, when a relationship breaks up for instance, it can be devastating.

Privacy

During the lockdown when families came together under one roof, many of us struggled with a lack of privacy. I include myself here too. My dad died right at the start of lock-down, and with a full house I didn’t feel like I could grieve properly. One day, I had to ask everyone to clear the house and go for a walk. I needed the space just so that I felt I could cry without worrying what others felt. This really brought home how important privacy is.

Community

We all need that sense of belonging, a feeling that we are contributing to something bigger than ourselves. It might be a church community, your peer group at school or college, your work colleagues, or even a Dungeon and Dragons or Elden Ring online group. They all create a feeling of being part of the tribe, which makes us feel safe and wanted.

Status

We need to feel some sense of status, that we matter. This doesn’t have to be the CEO or a role with a fancy name. Having the work that we do – any work- recognised and acknowledged is vital to our self-esteem.

Competence

Feeling that we are good at something feeds our self-esteem. It’s also key to getting on in your job and long-term career. Uncovering your strengths is a vital part of our therapy together.

Meaning

Finally, this one often doesn’t rear its head until later in life, after we’ve got our basics sorted.  Often people come to me in their mid-life to discuss feeling a lack of meaning in their lives. This sometimes shows itself as a need to jump careers and do something more altruistic. However, it can equally be someone who has put their all into their career and is doing very well, and now wants someone to share their great life with.

Our Resources

People will often come to me when one or more of these needs are not being met. The good about being human though, is that we have resources that can help us work to meet them. In short, these resources include:

• Our imagination – we can envision what life will be like when we have achieved what we want, and this both motivates us, and is a strong tool in moving forward
• A complex long-term memory – we can look at past occasions when we have tackled something similar, and analyse what we can learn from the past to apply now
• The ability to build rapport. Most of us can do this instinctively, and have been doing so since we were babies
• Our emotions and instincts – if we allow ourselves to listen to them. People often know what they want/what’s the best choice, they just don’t slow down long enough to listen to their knowing
• An unconscious ability to pattern match, which helps us know the world around us instinctively
• An observing self – we have the ability to step back from our problems and assess. Linked to this is our
• Rational mind – that can analyse and notice patterns of behaviour. I myself am a big fan of bright, shiny new ideas and often need to remind myself to stay focused and on track
• Finally, we dream. This allows our brain to discharge worries from the previous day. When all is well, we wake up refreshed and ready to deal with the day ahead. This is why sleep is so important. (If you’re having issues sleeping, book in a session with our sleep clinic).

Our work together may involve using our imagination through visualising, or practising stepping into our observing self. As well as helping you where you are right now, these practices also set you up for success throughout life. You are learning to use your own resources and you can draw on these again and again. If you fancy learning what it’s all about, you can book a discovery session with me.

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