Many of us go about our lives putting other people first. We have probably been brought up to feel good, validated and even safe by helping others.

Some of us are so entrenched in this way of thinking that we become people pleasers. However, even if we don’t fall into this category of behaviour, we can still fall into the trap of thinking about others and ignoring our own needs.

In fact, for many of us, the idea of having needs, especially in relationships, can feel uncomfortable.

We might find it easier to focus on what other people need, or to keep things running smoothly, rather than asking ourselves a simple question: What do I actually need here?

Yet understanding our own needs is one of the most important foundations for healthy relationships. This goes for romantic relationships , friendships, family connections, or even our colleagues.

Why do we struggle to identify our needs?

Most of us grow up learning how to behave, achieve, or fit in. We’re taught how to succeed at school, how to be polite, how to work hard, and how to be considerate of others. It’s how we fit into society and play the capitalist game.

However, we’re rarely taught how to recognise our emotional needs.

We don’t ask ourselves what makes me feel safe? What level of connection and being around other people makes me feel good, and when does it get too much? How important is it for me to feel heard and respected?

These aren’t things most people are encouraged to explore when they’re younger. After all, our parents and caregivers may well have gone about their lives not even thinking about their own needs too. It’s not talked about, and certainly not recognised as being incredibly important.

Staying safe

Some people grow up in environments where expressing needs felt difficult, inconvenient, or even unsafe. You may have learned early on that it was easier to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or take care of other people first. Perhaps you were in a situation where you had to: an ill parent or being forced to take responsibility for a sibling  from an early age, for instance.

Over time, this creates a template where your attention naturally goes outward rather than inward. You become very good at sensing what other people need, while your own needs remain vague or unspoken. It can be a gift, but also a trap.

Needs sound selfish

Another reason people struggle with needs is that the word itself can feel uncomfortable.

Many people worry that naming a need will make them seem demanding, difficult,  high-maintenance or selfish.  So instead of identifying the need directly, you try to adapt to the situation around them or hope that others will spot what you need without you having to say it. Or worse, ask for it.

But when genuine needs remain unspoken for long enough, they don’t disappear. We can feel them as frustration, withdrawal, or resentment.

Unmet show up as relationship Issues

In my work with individuals and couples, many of the issues people bring to relationships are not actually about the surface disagreement.

Underneath the argument about chores, time, communication or attention, there is often a deeper need that hasn’t been recognised.

It might be a need for:

• space (no judgement here, we all need some space)
• emotional safety
• appreciation
• autonomy
• affection
• reliability

Awareness

Learning to recognise your needs doesn’t mean expecting other people to meet every one of them. Instead, it begins with awareness.

When you understand what helps you feel secure, valued and connected, you are much better placed to:

• communicate clearly
• make thoughtful choices in relationships
• create healthier dynamics with the people around you

And sometimes the most powerful shift is simply realising that your needs are not unreasonable. They are part of being human and we shouldn’t be shamed for having them. Book a chat with me to see how we could work on getting your needs me in your relationship, either as a couple or an individual.

(this article was originally published on www.scarletthinking.com)

The post Thinking about our own needs in a relationship appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

It can be more than a little daunting, finding a couples counsellor. First, there is making the decision to look for relationship therapy in the first place, then you have to find the right therapist for you. So, here are some step by step suggestions to help you find the right couples counsellor.

First, decide on face to face or online

If you are in different locations, online makes sense. It is often the obvious choice for couples who are temporarily estranged, or who have practical issues like childcare or odd working hours. A therapist can often offer more flexibility online. However, the big advantage people often don’t talk about is that you can use that time you would have normally used for getting to and from your session to prepare, process and digest.

Face and face is obviously much more personal, and you may find it easier to relax into a relationship with your therapist. They are also more likely to pick up on body language if you are all together. That can help bring issues into the room that perhaps you didn’t even know you wanted to bring up. It can also help to have these types of conversations away from the home, and keep them contained.

I work both online and face to face, from my room in Folkestone, Kent.

Second, think about what type of therapy you want

Now there are hundreds of different types of approaches to therapy. Do you want to spend a lot of time looking at the past, including childhood influences and family dynamics and how they have influenced you and your relationship for instance? Perhaps you would prefer something that is mainly focused on the emotions under the surface? Or would you prefer an approach that is focused on learning skills and tweaking behaviours to create a new way of being with each other?

Most therapies will have parts of all of these, but one approach will be their main focus. I, for instance, am Gottman informed, and take the latter approach, looking at things we can do to change things right now, testing out new ways of being with each other. We look at what’s gone on to create this situation, of course, and there may be some trauma work to do there. We also work with the emotions and building strong, healthy bonds, but my main focus is on helping you make changes.

Thirdly, meet some therapists

Most couples counsellors offer a free chat or zoom session and this is where you can get to know them. One of the big factors in successful therapy is the relationship between clients and therapist. You need someone you feel you can trust, are both happy to work with, and understands your particular situation. Sometimes there may be other issues going on, like polyamory, bereavement or eating issues, so ask if they work with this area.

Make your decision

Of course price and the therapist’s own availablity come into play here, but you should find yourself drawn to one or two in particular. Book a session! If you don’t think you’re a good fit, then there’s no need to go back. Some therapists work on a set minimum session model, say six or ten, so take that into consideration. I don’t do this as I like my clients to have autonomy.

If you’d like to book a free consultation with me, you can do so here. 

The post How To Find A Couples Counsellor appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Money can be difficult enough for us as individuals, but when two people come together, each with their own issues around money, it can lead to problems in a relationship. Sometimes, it’s about not having enough, of course, but not always. Different spending and saving patterns can feel like chasms. There may be disagreement over parenting and how to instil money values, or even problems when one of you values money over time due to deep set financial insecurity.

All of these can result in:

• Avoiding difficult money conversations
• Disagreeing over money, time, children, or legacy
• Feeling tension without perhaps knowing why
• Resentment
• Disagreement over things like when to retire
• Struggling to feel “seen” by each other
• Very real problems with finances

Sometimes the challenge isn’t dysfunction. It’s simply that things feel off, and you need someone skilled enough to help you name what’s happening, and why.

Couples Therapy Around Money

The work we do together is thoughtful, systemic, and rooted in an understanding of finances, power, and emotional nuance. At the same time, it is very practical, and we will be working on tweaking habits and behaviours that perhaps no longer serve you as a couple.

This is not about blame. It’s about creating space for reflection, pattern recognition, and meaningful change in a safe, private environment.

Individual Financial Therapy

Perhaps you know that your money behaviours are contributing to conflict in your relationship, but you’d the space to address them alone rather than as a couple. That’s perfectly possible.

If you’re interested in addressing issues around money and finances, you can book a chat with me here.

The post Couples Therapy Around Money appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Does it feel like menopause or perimenopause has crept into your life and turned even your closest relationship upside down? You’re not imagining it, and you certainly don’t have to face it alone, whether it’s you that is going through this transition, or your partner.

Hormones and intimacy

Menopause is more than hot flushes and sleepless nights. Beyond the physical changes, it brings emotional turbulence and these shifts can have an uncomfortable way of threading into your relationship. Suddenly, familiar routines feel awkward. There are emotional closeness frays and communication hits unexpected snags.

This is unknown territory for both of you, and of course it will be. Perimenopause and menopause bring with them big questions around identity as much as physical and emotional symptoms: a real existential moment.

These shifts can feel subtle at first, but then overwhelming before you know it. You might find yourselves drifting into misunderstanding, irritation, or even isolation. This is not because love has faded, but because navigating these changes without support is deeply challenging.

What isn’t happening

It’s not that your love or commitment is failing.  Likewise, it’s not happening because you’re not trying hard enough. Finally, it isn’t about “rescuing” each other. It’s about rediscovering connection during a time of profound change.

How couples therapy helps during menopause and perimenopause

We might look at:

• Practical tools to ease tension—like grounding techniques during hot flushes or emotional regulation skills when an argument feels triggered by inner overwhelm.
• A compassionate space to explore what’s going on to gently notice the interplay between hormonal shifts, identity, intimacy, and boundaries.
• Strategic, tailor-made steps to help you feel better sooner—not distant or defensive, but held and understood.
• Emerging new identities, both for the person going through menopause or perimenopause, but also what this means for your identity as a couple.

Since we work using the Human Givens model, you may find this clarity and reconnection starts sooner than you’d expect, with fewer sessions needed.

You don’t have to navigate this alone

You can come together, or one of you can take the first step. In-person sessions are available in Hythe and Folkestone, or you can meet online in the comfort of your home.

If this feels familiar, I invite you to reach out for a free 15-minute introductory chat. Message me here to book one in.

The post Is Menopause Ruining Your Relationship? appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Hello, I’m Paula Gardner and I’m a couples and relationship therapist seeing clients in Kent and online. As well as a therapist, I’m a business psychologist and that mindset actually makes my approach to couples therapy quite different from many others.

I work with evidence-based tools that I know have successful track records in helping couples communicate better, stop worrying, soothe themselves and set up routines that help support the life together they want to have. We talk about getting your needs met right now, and look at what’s going to help your situation and improve things as soon as possible. Together, we set experiments, drawn from whatever we cover in our sessions, and these are really practical ways to help embed what you learn together.

Is couples therapy the right choice?

Coming to couples therapy can be a really positive step. You are learning new skills and ways of behaving that are going to improve things for the both you…your family too, if you have one. Businesses constantly invest in upskilling so why shouldn’t you?

This solution-focused, practical approach means that couples counselling with me is not prolonged. Clients often see results in a small number of sessions, and, because we focus on the here and now, rather than the distant past, it suits people who want to see changes without a short amount of time.

For Individuals

It’s not all couples that I see. Perhaps your partner doesn’t want to come? Even with one person attending we can create small shifts that have a domino effect. Maybe you’d like some space to figure out if a relationship is right for you? We can do that, and look at the realities of the paths for you whichever direction you choose. If you’re going through a difficult break-up, therapy can help you process, recalibrate and let go.

What about me?

The therapeutic relationship matters so it’s important that you choose someone you both like and respect. That’s something you can never properly capture on a web-page. You can book an online chat with me to see how the dynamic might work between us.  I am warm, supportive and friendly, yes, but I’m also very straight-forward, practical and strategic. This is more than a nice chat, but we may well laugh along the way.

Sessions for a couple are 75 minutes. See up to date fees here.

You can book a zoom online chat here.

The post Meet Paula, Couples Therapist in Kent appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.