Money can be difficult enough for us as individuals, but when two people come together, each with their own issues around money, it can lead to problems in a relationship. Sometimes, it’s about not having enough, of course, but not always. Different spending and saving patterns can feel like chasms. There may be disagreement over parenting and how to instil money values, or even problems when one of you values money over time due to deep set financial insecurity.

All of these can result in:

• Avoiding difficult money conversations
• Disagreeing over money, time, children, or legacy
• Feeling tension without perhaps knowing why
• Resentment
• Disagreement over things like when to retire
• Struggling to feel “seen” by each other
• Very real problems with finances

Sometimes the challenge isn’t dysfunction. It’s simply that things feel off, and you need someone skilled enough to help you name what’s happening, and why.

Couples Therapy Around Money

The work we do together is thoughtful, systemic, and rooted in an understanding of finances, power, and emotional nuance. At the same time, it is very practical, and we will be working on tweaking habits and behaviours that perhaps no longer serve you as a couple.

This is not about blame. It’s about creating space for reflection, pattern recognition, and meaningful change in a safe, private environment.

Individual Financial Therapy

Perhaps you know that your money behaviours are contributing to conflict in your relationship, but you’d the space to address them alone rather than as a couple. That’s perfectly possible.

If you’re interested in addressing issues around money and finances, you can book a chat with me here.

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Guilt is an emotion and belongs with the other sad emotions like grief and loneliness. There are many types of guilt. There’s guilt for something you might have done, guilt for something you didn’t do, guilt for something you even just thought about. For the moment, let’s look at one type of guilt that I think has a strong pull when we can’t even take some time out. That is the guilt of not doing enough. Psychologists actually believe that this guilt is a sign of something called Compassion Fatigue which is a form of burn-out.

You can see compassion fatigue at work in black and white when you see someone caring for a dying relative. They may be doing everything in their power to ease the sick person’s distress, but it’s still not enough. Frankly, it’s never going to be enough. The fact that it is not enough induces a feeling of guilt that is hard to carry. This desire to help their sick relative is never going to be alleviated and there is dissonance, a gap, between what they want and what’s happening. Taken to an extreme, this is now the stress disorder of compassion fatigue.

On a more domestic, daily level our desires to help others, nurture our family and take care of loved ones mean that anything less than (unobtainable) perfection often create guilt that we are not doing enough. This feeling can be intensified when we do something for ourselves, instead of pouring ourselves into this never ending pit of wanting to help others.

Dealing with guilt around looking after ourselves

The question is, how do we deal with that feeling of guilt for taking time out for ourselves? We can attack it head on, using logic and reminding ourselves that it is the gap between what we can do and we would like to do, nothing more. It is an emotion created by this dissonance. However, that also means that we can push past it and just get on with our self-care anyway.

What could be a better approach is something of the two and try to look at the situation objectively, as if you were looking at a friend’s life. What would you sensibly expect her to do for her family and what boundaries would you suggest where she might draw the line? What combination of time and energy spent on others and on herself would you suggest?

This isn’t necessary a prescription for the actual feeling of guilt, but it may help to know that what you are feeling is the emotion created by a desire to do more. A desire that could never be completely fulfilled anyway.

Another thing to recognise about guilt is that it doesn’t have to be self-destructive. It can make us think about using our time with loved-one in a more quality way, for instance, getting out and doing a bike ride together rather than sitting on the sofa playing on your phones.

Use it as a marker that says you need to give what’s going on a little thought.

If you’d like to throw a light on your own feelings of guilt and what might soothe them, please book a no-cost call with me here, or contact me here.

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I often speak to possible clients who ask me how does online therapy work, and does it work as well as in person counselling? While some of my clients are from Hythe or Folkestone, and come to see me in one of my consulting rooms, many are further afield and we work online.

A typical online counselling session

Previous to the session I’ll send you an email invite with the Zoom login details. At the set time we’ll both login and begin the session. Just like my face to face sessions, we will probably begin with taking measures. These are like scores where we look at specific things like your anxiety levels, needs or symptoms of trauma. We may take these every week, or every few weeks depending on the nature of our work together. Over the sessions, we can then plot your improvement and we can literally see, on a chart, the results of your therapy.

We’ll then move onto the main part of the counselling session. You may have or chose to set a goal to work towards and that session is devoted to that. Or, perhaps, something has happened in the last week that it’s important to bring to the session. This is your time. However, we will still be looking to work on what’s brought you here in the first place too!

We will wrap up just like a face to face to face session, looking at some homework and setting the date and time of our next session. I will then send that invite and zoom link to you.

What do you need for an online therapy session?

A quiet and comfortable place is the most important thing, along with an internet connection. That said, I have had clients who prefer the phone and we can always do that, or revert if we have connection issues. It doesn’t happen very often, but occasionally the tech gremlins pick on us.

It’s important to pick a place where you feel you can talk freely, and that you won’t be overheard. It also helps me to be able to see your face and shoulders. I may take you through how to position your laptop in the right place if necessary. Notifications should be off, especially if you’re using your phone, and ideally, you shouldn’t have to answer the doorbell or anything like that.

That said, life is life, and we work with what we have!

What’s so great about an online therapy call?

People sometimes worry that we won’t be able to make a connection, that it’s not as good as being in the same room. I haven’t found this, and many of my clients love its benefits. These include:

• No need to travel back and forth to the session
• You can build in downtime before and after the session to think about what’s come up
• If you’re anxious, you are in your own space
• No paying out for a commute, parking or the possibloe coffee and cake if you arrive early and need to occupy yourself
• Many people are very comfortable online now, and actively prefer this
• You can have your pet with you if it calms you and they are happy to sit quietly during the session.

I see my my own supervisor online and have found it very effective and practical.

Why not book yourself in for a no-obligation 15 minute chat to see what it’s like to work with me online? You can do that here.

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Dealing with those unwanted thoughts of feeling like a failure

I often see business owners, and many non-business owners, muse about how they are feeling like a failure; that they haven’t done enough in life. Perhaps their business isn’t where they thought it should be. Perhaps they are single, once again, and wondering when they’ll ever get things together.  Clients question their paths, wonder what held them back from reaching their full potential and express disappointment in not being sorted enough. While many of us are happy enough to admit that we could be more organised, more productive, maybe even more driven, there are some who really struggle with guilt about their lack of progress so far.

If this resonates with you then I’d like to reassure you that these thoughts are normal. Most of us have thoughts that don’t serve us, and they can be a pain to deal with.

Let’s imagine, for a moment, a future where you may will never feel as though you have things sorted. Let’s imagine that you will always feel that there is more you need to achieve. Would it be a relief to realise that there is never a point when you say, that’s it? Can you see that not reaching some vague goal is not the problem here, but the guilt and stress that accompanies that pressure? Would you be able to breathe and stop pushing so hard? Would you pause and realise that achievement might not be the goal, and that dealing with these thoughts may be more valuable?

Dealing with these unwanted thoughts of feeling like a failure

If you’re bothered by thoughts of lack of achievement, there are a number of ways you can approach them. The first is the path of mindfulness. Just start to notice that these are just thoughts and you can step back from them and let them pass. I particularly like the analogy of watching a sushi conveyor belt and deciding to leave that particular dish on the belt. It may come around again (and it no doubt will), but you can just let it pass by. Other lovely visual examples include thinking of the thought as a balloon, and you can imagine yourself just letting it go. Or imagine it as a car coming towards you on a bridge. You can see the headlights, but you can steo back and let it pass. Watch it disappear into the distance. You can choose one of these visual tools every time these thought crop up. Play with them and noticed which works best for you.

A more left-brained approach is to build a portfolio evidence to the contrary. This means compiling a list of evidence as to why you are such a sorted and successful person, even if you haven’t achieved everything on your list yet. (If you are a parent with young children you automatically get double points here). Or, try gathering together a menu of your achievements in life, and everything you have to show for your efforts. Keep this handy to refer to when you need it.

It’s more likely that these thoughts will come faster and thicker when something is missing in your life. As a Human Givens therapist, I work with what we call the Human Needs, and there are nine of them. They include a sense of achievement, meaning and purpose, status, privacy, connection, community and a sense of control. If one of these is missing, or out of balance, we are more likely to feel wobbly and prone to unwanted thoughts like these.

Making a plan for success

What if there is a grain of truth in these thoughts? What if you really do have goals you haven’t yet reached? The simple answer is to make a plan to do just that, breaking it down, step by step. Then take the next step. Start setting bigger sales goals. Book that plane ticket to New Zealand. Buy a new notebook and start the novel. Download the dating app and get comfortable with it. Once you are taking action, those thoughts will start to dwindle.

If you’d like help with unwanted thoughts of any kind, or want to look at setting yourself achievable goals, you can book a chat with me here.

The post Feeling Like A Failure appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

The Good Therapy Practice offers counselling in Folkestone, Kent, as well as Hythe, and online via Zoom. Founder, Human Givens counsellor, business psychologist and coach, Paula Gardner, focues on solution focused counselling. This means that it’s all about where you are now, looking at ways to make you feel better as soon as possible. Her clients include both adults and children, and she also provides an in-house service for businesses wanting to offer support to staff who may struggling with life issues.

Counselling in Folkestone, Kent

Paula currently works from both Folkestone and Hythe in person. Additionally, she works online with clients from around the UK.

Walk and talk therapy

There is also the option of walk and talk therapy. Mental health is so positively affected by getting out in nature that it can be a really beneficial element of therapy. It can be a powerful ingredient in working with anxiety or depression. For anyone feeling overwhelmed or wanting to lose weight, it’s also a nice way to work towards stress relief and fitness too. The simple act of moving often helps things shift, and encourages creative thinking.

With all the beauty of its coastline, Folkestone is a lovely place to get out and experience walk and talk therapy. From the harbour to the sandy beach to beautiful parks, it has something to suit everyone. We can walk at a pace that suits you, from a gentle stroll to power walking!

Counselling issues

Paula works with many issues including depression, anxiety, stress and overwhelm, sleep issues, panic attacks, grief, addictions and alcholism, confidence and low self-esteem, relationship issues and decision making. She also helps clients with trauma, using a specific technique called Rewind that means that you don’t have to go through all the details of the trauma again. Clients find this gentle but effective.

Why Choose The Good Therapy Practice?

Of course, there are many options for counselling in Folkestone. Having run a previous PR and marketing business, Paula is especially adept at working with business owners, leaders and those suffering from stress and overwhelm. Her business pyschology and coaching background give her a variety of techniques and approaches to draw upon. Human Givens Therapy is now being taken up by Mind, and is a therapy of choice for for PTSD Resolution.

How to Book

You can book in a no obligation chat with Paula here, or email to set up an appointment.

The post Counselling in Folkestone appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Over the years I have worked with many apprentices in my role as an apprentice coach. I am always impressed by their ability to hold down a new and busy job with studying and producing high quality course work.

People often look at apprenticeships as an easy alternative to University, but it is a mistake to think this way. Apprentices are juggling work (often a new job), with studying. Traditional university students can focus entirely on their studies. Apprentices are sometimes treated as the dogsbody of the business, and given the least interesting tasks to do. They can sometimes find it hard to integrate with teams, or speak up for themselves. After all, they are only the “apprentice.” I am not criticising apprenticeships. I think they are a wonderful way into work, and have been working with the PRCA apprenticeship scheme for years. Nevertheless, I don’t think we should be under-estimating the work involved.

Mental Health Resources For Apprentices

Neither should we be forget the possible strains the above can put on their mental health. This is why we have created a list of mental health resources for apprentices here. Let’s start with our own:

Counselling Sessions for Apprentices

Life happens to apprentices just like anyone else. On top of their studies and work duties they may be struggling with anxiety, grief, or depression. There are funds available that training providers can use to support apprentices in the form of counselling sessions, and I would be delighted to deliver these. Please contact me to discuss.

Mental Health seminars for Apprentices

We have put together a number of seminars that will support apprentices’ mental health. They can be delivered as a group in person, or online, and recorded for future watching. Here are our current titles:

Coping with Anxiety at Work

It’s natural to be concerned about delivering good work and creating a good impression but there may be moments when that anxiety can start to impede your performance. This seminar looks at practical ways to help you dial down any feelings of anxiousness or panic, including how to deal with panic attacks. We also discuss how to help those around you who may be suffering from anxiety.

Dark Days and Depression

Depression can cause havoc with your performance at, and your enjoyment of work. It can leave you feeling isolated, lacking in motivation and has a severe physical impact on your health. Spotting signs of depression in yourself and others means that you can implement the self-help strategies covered in this workshop to help move you out of depression, or recognise when you need more professional help.

Dispelling Social Anxiety

What was once called shyness can be a huge barrier to promotions, building a network, and even impacts our mental health. This seminar looks at ways we can work on our social anxiety and help us feel more in control of situations where we are interacting with others.

Self-Discipline, Habits and Rituals

We all rely on self-discipline, habits, and rituals to get things done, but how often do you think about which one serves you best? In this workshop you will learn how to increase your self-discipline, break bad habits – or create new ones, and create your own powerful rituals to change your mindset.

Again, please contact me or book a call to discuss.

Mental Health UK

Younger apprentices (up to 18) may find this charity helpful as it focuses on mental health and life transitions. The charity has developed a young people’s programme to help equip 14 to 18 year olds with the tools and knowledge to maintain their mental health.Find out more.

The Samaritans

If you need to talk to someone right now, The Samaritans are avalaible by phone and on line. Call the Samaritans for free on 116123, or find their site here.

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While some people may have a strong vision of where they want their life to go, many of us can find ourselves rather hazier about the details. We know we want change. We’re ready and willing to welcome that in, but we just can’t figure out what that means.  Additionally, we may be so nervous about making the wrong changes, that we get stuck, doing nothing at all, and end up feeling frustrated with ourselves for not taking action.

This is often the stage when people come to me for psychotherapy, thinking that something is wrong with them, that something internal is holding them back.

Think small

Sometimes, we can get so caught up in the big vision that we forget about the little things that are going to make our future work for us.  Our life isn’t all big causes and swapping changes. There may not even be a strong sense of purpose. What we can be sure of is that life is made up of many small moments that will add together to create our feelings about life, and ultimately, determined how satisfied we are with it.

Before you can create a big vision for the future, here are three approaches that may help to give both food for thought and clarity.

What matters to me?

Let’s try a little exercise here by taking five jobs you’ve had in the past, plus your current role. You can go right back to Saturday jobs and paper rounds if you like; just try to get some variety in there.

Take a separate piece of paper for each job. Just note down, for each of them, what comes to your mind about them – it can be anything from having to use negotiating skills to the fact that you hated climbing 5 flights of stairs to use the loo, to being able to wear sneakers into work.  Now take some coloured pens and go through, underlining things which are similar or the same in each job. They may not be found in every job, but even if they are in two, mark them.

Now, take a look at what you’ve underlined. The very fact that you’ve written them down means that they are important to you in some way – after all, we don’t notice things that don’t mean anything to us. The question is why are they important? So, three of your jobs had a dress down Friday. Did you like that, or hate it?

Look at the language you are using and how you really feel about what you’ve written. I once did a similar exercise with a group. Two of them had written down working from home, but when questioned, one said this had connotations of being lonely, the other said it was calm and peaceful.  So, if you do this exercise with someone else, be sure to really reflect on your own meanings, not be guided by theirs.

How can I play with this?

Rather than put too much pressure on yourself to come up with the big design for the rest of your life, think about approaching it more playfully. What have you always wanted to try but never got around to? What questions would you ask someone doing a role you’ve fantasised about? What would it be like to give it all up and write that novel you’ve been planning in your head for the last five years?

The theory of Possible Selves suggests that there are multiple possibilities for us out there –  you can write that novel, but equally, you could go for that promotion or go back to University part time. We don’t choose because it’s frightening to commit, but what if you could just play with the ideas? For instance you could take two weeks off to write two chapters and see how cope with working from home all day and having to reach a certain word count.  What if you spoke to the person who is doing that job right now, or even asked to shadow them for a day? What if you did an evening course and see how it feels? At the end of your experiment you may decide you can’t stand the isolation of writing from home, you couldn’t last the course and, surprisingly, you really like the idea of a new challenge at work.

Any change, even small ones like these, will inevitably give us fuel to help us make better decisions and clues as to what’s going to work for us. Them it’s up to us to take some real action. If that’s where you are stuck though, why don’t you…

Look at your worst possible self

Of course, we have that other possible self. The self we will be if we don’t change. If you need impetus then looking at how your life will be if you stay in that unhappy marriage/put up with that job with the two hour commute/put off dating…or whatever less than perfect circumstances you are putting up with. Really dig into how it’s going to feel in five or ten years’ time if you haven’t changed anything. How frustrated will you be feeling? Use this Possible You to provoke you to do something – anything – to start change happening.

If you’d like to explore making life changes – big or small – please contact me here, or book a free chat here.

The post How To Make Life Changes appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

If you haven’t had any therapy or counselling before, you may be a little daunted as to what happens in a therapy session? The truth is, it will be slightly different for different types of therapies. Not only that, but every single therapist has his or her unique way of running their psychotherapy or counselling session. What I can give you, however, is a guide to how a Human Givens psychotherapist might structure a therapy session, and in turn, how therapy sessions with me often run.

Initial chat with a therapist

First off is the initial chat. Many psychotherapists prefer to talk to you first before scheduling in a full session. They might do this by phone or an online meeting (you can schedule an online chat with me here). This is to see if you are a good fit for each other. Many counsellors have their expert areas, such as working with teenagers, or prefer to work in a certain type of way, such as online only, or once a week. This chat can help you both work out if these things tally up with what you want. It also gives you chance to see how you feel about your possible psychotherapist. Can you see yourself working with them over the next few weeks?

Sometimes, the result of this chat is that you book in a session straight away, whilst you are on your call. Occasionally, you may need time to think or check your diary.  If you don’t think they’re right for you, then it’s perfectly fine to continue looking. This is an important relationship. If you are asking for something the therapist doesn’t do, such as couples counselling, many counsellors have a rich network of other therapists and can often recommend someone, or refer you to a colleague. Please do ask for recommendations if you find that they don’t work in your particular area.

First therapy session

Your first session is often what we call an intake session. Some therapists may send you forms to fill in beforehand, which will ask for personal details such as your Dr, contact details etc. Others will go through these in your session. Certainly, in a Human Givens session, you will be taken through an assessment. Your therapist should also take you through confidentiality and their own terms of business, unless you have already had this in writing.

The therapist will ask you a number of questions which you may scale from 1-5, or 1-10, depending on the assessment. While these can seem a little tedious, especially when you have something to report, they are really valuable. You may do this every session. I have clients who have come in scoring 1s and 2s on their initial session. Later, when I can share that they are now self-scoring scoring 4,5 and even 6s, it is a tangible recognition of how far they have come. It also allows us to pin-point areas where we need to look, such as feeling valued, or having enough time to themselves.

For me, these measurements are an important part of our sessions together and often prompt some really good work.

The therapy itself

Then, you’ll get into the crux of why you are there. For the first session the therapist will want to know what has brought you to them right here, right now, along with other things that might be going on in your life. A Human Givens counsellor will want to unpack your symptoms. Simply telling them you feel depressed isn’t enough. After all, what feeling depressed means for you might mean sadness and tears, while the next client may equate it with feeling numb and having no energy. Knowing your symptoms, both physical and emotional, is key for Human Givens work.

Paula Gardner talking about what happens in a therapy session

We discuss goals. What is it you want to get out of therapy? This is where psychotherapy often divides. Some, the pure talking therapies, are more focused on giving you space to talk, and perhaps spotting patterns from the past. Human Givens sessions are very practical however, and we want you to feel better as soon as possible. While we may bring the past into our sessions, our focus, our work, is on what you can do to move forward. To this end, we often set tasks to help you move towards your goals. You can think of these as homework, if you like. In truth, they are often tools and tactics to help you manage things better, or practise new ways of coping.

However, you are more than your problems. A skilled therapist looks at the resources you have in your life, and helps you gather them together. These could be the people around you, past occassions where you have used a certain skill, your experience, and even personality traits. Understanding your available resources is a key part of helping yourself move forwards, and then talking through how to apply them to your goals.

Guided Imagery

Human Givens psychotherapists often use a tool called Guided Imagery. This is a deep relaxation where you will be guided to a state of calmness – really helpful in itself. In this state you can access your REM state, the state where your brain can create new pathways that help form new patterns for the future. Your therapist may use this imagery to share relaxation tools that you can go away and practise, talk through some of the tasks you agreed on, and help you imagine carrying them out (this means that you are more likely to succeed). It’s a process that athletes often use to hone their skills.

Human Givens therapists also use this state to do work around helping people with addictions, or doing what we call a Rewind technique, for trauma.

Ending the session

Finally, you will end your session setting your next date. Your therapist won’t want to you unpack what’s happened during guided imagery, but it is really helpful if you can build in some extra time for a relaxing walk, or even sit in the car with some gentle music on, if you want to get the most out of the relaxed feeling it brings on, and think through the session.

As I said, each therapist is different. Some will do guided imagery online, some won’t. Some will take notes, some won’t. Some counsellors work from home, some from consulting rooms or a centre somewhere. All these little things are often as important as the therapy. If you’ve a long drive to get to your therapist, or they can only see you on a Tuesday morning, sometimes that can make attending sessions feel less appealing.

Practical issues for counselling

Fees, and the methods of payment, also vary between counsellors, so it’s worth being ultra clear on these. What are the cancellation terms,  and process? Human Givens therapists won’t offer a package of sessions (such as buy six upfront) as we believe that is unethical. We also vary as to whether we charge for no shows. If we’ve hired out a room to see a client, or refused that slot to another client,  it can get expensive if you don’t show up, so this isn’t about being greedy.

The best way to get a feel for working with someone is just to make that initial contact and see how you feel. However, you will get the most out of your therapy by commiting to turning up to sessions, at least trying to tackle your homework, and giving your therapist honest feedback and information. If you feel your goal is no longer relevent, or something more important has come up, tell them! Therapy is a relationship, a collaboration, and you both have your own important parts to play.

You can read more about working with me in the FAQ.

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