It can be more than a little daunting, finding a couples counsellor. First, there is making the decision to look for relationship therapy in the first place, then you have to find the right therapist for you. So, here are some step by step suggestions to help you find the right couples counsellor.

First, decide on face to face or online

If you are in different locations, online makes sense. It is often the obvious choice for couples who are temporarily estranged, or who have practical issues like childcare or odd working hours. A therapist can often offer more flexibility online. However, the big advantage people often don’t talk about is that you can use that time you would have normally used for getting to and from your session to prepare, process and digest.

Face and face is obviously much more personal, and you may find it easier to relax into a relationship with your therapist. They are also more likely to pick up on body language if you are all together. That can help bring issues into the room that perhaps you didn’t even know you wanted to bring up. It can also help to have these types of conversations away from the home, and keep them contained.

I work both online and face to face, from my room in Folkestone, Kent.

Second, think about what type of therapy you want

Now there are hundreds of different types of approaches to therapy. Do you want to spend a lot of time looking at the past, including childhood influences and family dynamics and how they have influenced you and your relationship for instance? Perhaps you would prefer something that is mainly focused on the emotions under the surface? Or would you prefer an approach that is focused on learning skills and tweaking behaviours to create a new way of being with each other?

Most therapies will have parts of all of these, but one approach will be their main focus. I, for instance, am Gottman informed, and take the latter approach, looking at things we can do to change things right now, testing out new ways of being with each other. We look at what’s gone on to create this situation, of course, and there may be some trauma work to do there. We also work with the emotions and building strong, healthy bonds, but my main focus is on helping you make changes.

Thirdly, meet some therapists

Most couples counsellors offer a free chat or zoom session and this is where you can get to know them. One of the big factors in successful therapy is the relationship between clients and therapist. You need someone you feel you can trust, are both happy to work with, and understands your particular situation. Sometimes there may be other issues going on, like polyamory, bereavement or eating issues, so ask if they work with this area.

Make your decision

Of course price and the therapist’s own availablity come into play here, but you should find yourself drawn to one or two in particular. Book a session! If you don’t think you’re a good fit, then there’s no need to go back. Some therapists work on a set minimum session model, say six or ten, so take that into consideration. I don’t do this as I like my clients to have autonomy.

If you’d like to book a free consultation with me, you can do so here. 

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Money can be difficult enough for us as individuals, but when two people come together, each with their own issues around money, it can lead to problems in a relationship. Sometimes, it’s about not having enough, of course, but not always. Different spending and saving patterns can feel like chasms. There may be disagreement over parenting and how to instil money values, or even problems when one of you values money over time due to deep set financial insecurity.

All of these can result in:

• Avoiding difficult money conversations
• Disagreeing over money, time, children, or legacy
• Feeling tension without perhaps knowing why
• Resentment
• Disagreement over things like when to retire
• Struggling to feel “seen” by each other
• Very real problems with finances

Sometimes the challenge isn’t dysfunction. It’s simply that things feel off, and you need someone skilled enough to help you name what’s happening, and why.

Couples Therapy Around Money

The work we do together is thoughtful, systemic, and rooted in an understanding of finances, power, and emotional nuance. At the same time, it is very practical, and we will be working on tweaking habits and behaviours that perhaps no longer serve you as a couple.

This is not about blame. It’s about creating space for reflection, pattern recognition, and meaningful change in a safe, private environment.

Individual Financial Therapy

Perhaps you know that your money behaviours are contributing to conflict in your relationship, but you’d the space to address them alone rather than as a couple. That’s perfectly possible.

If you’re interested in addressing issues around money and finances, you can book a chat with me here.

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Are you in a place where you know you both need support, but are unsure whether therapy or coaching is better for your relationship? Qualified and experienced in both, I feel that I am in a good position to answer this.

When you need therapy for your relationship

To be clear here, the therapy is for your relationship, and it’s this we focus on. The problem is that whatever you are going through is affecting your relationship. Examples of issues would include a breakdown in trust or lack of communication skills. It could be that something that is impacting one of you, and the relationship is also suffering. This could be one of you reeling from a trauma, redundancy or bereavement, for example.

Sometimes you know these difficulties are temporary but you still want help to support you through them. On occasions, you know that simply following “tips and tricks” is not going to be enough. You need help to change patterns and behaviours, or shift something that just won’t go away.

Affecting daily life

Perhaps you are feeling the signs that something is wrong. It’s showing up in your life in ways you can’t ignore. Strong feelings of anxiety whenever you think about something that might have happened. Or you’re stuck in the same argument over and over again. Perhaps you can’t even fake a smile in the morning, even for a person you should love. Or you are feeling resentful that you are carrying the burden, while your partner or family seems to take this for granted. This is where therapy can help you both. .

The type of therapy I work with, Human Givens,  isn’t simply sitting in a room and talking. There will be exercises, tools and even homework. However, it’s all designed (and agreed on, between us) to help make shifts. There will be sessions together, but there may also be times when I see you both separately to work on something that will benefit the relationship.

When you need coaching for your relationship

For some couples, the therapy comes first before they are in a position to move into coaching. This can work well. However, perhaps your issues aren’t so deep. Maybe you’ve just had a few bad months and need help with unravelling what’s led to them. Or, external factors are affecting you both and you’d like space to think these through.

Coaching can be most helpful when you’re in a place to move forwards. Yes, there can be deep work with coaching, and it can produce amazing mindset shifts. It works especially when you know that it’s mainly communication skills that you want to work on.

Book a chat

As you can see, it’s not always cut and dried, but I can certainly give you an idea of how we would work on an initial chat. You can book yours here.

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Many people’s experience of couples therapy is through watching the TV programme on Iplayer. Putting aside the ethical issues around confidentiality for a moment, it’s interesting to consider whether real life couples therapy is like the TV programme?

First off, your own session will be private! Any therapist is bound by rules around confidentiality that keeps you safe. However, just like Dr Orna Guralnik, the show’s therapist, every decent therapist will have supervision. This means that they share your story with their own supervisor. Sometimes this supervisor can offer a different perspective, or suggest an avenue to explore that might be helpful. They are also a check and balance to ensure that the therapist is working with you ethically and safely.

Secondly, the range of issues that couples bring to counselling can be as diverse as those on the show. It’s not always about affairs and betrayals. Our past, especially our childhoods, can instil patterns of behaviour that keep us stuck. These sometimes themselves raise issues and conflicts within a relationship. Likewise, a couple can feel like they’ve grown apart and want to use the therapy session as a place to explore how they can recapture their intimacy.

Working with different types of couples therapy

There are many different approaches out there. For a start, they might be called couples counsellors, couples therapists or even marriage guidance counsellors. Some take your early years as their focus, looking at the impact of childhood on attachment patterns for instance. My apparich is Solution Focused. This means that, while we will look at what’s brought you to where you are now, the attention is on what you can do right now to help things change.

This might involve trying out new ways of communication for instance, or some reflective work to notice when certain behaviors are triggered. Although Dr Orna sometimes gives homework, this is a big part of our work together. I believe real change is only made when we embed it into our lives.

We also do work around getting your needs met. These are needs like security, connection, community, meaning and purpose – how can you get these met so that your relationship becomes more of a choice and a joy?

Is Couples Therapy Like the TV Programme?

Of course one might imagine that the couples on the programme have been chosen because they are able to talk on camera, are comfortable opening up, and even, perhaps, promise a little drama. It can be very different in real life couples counselling sessions. One partner may find it difficult to open up, and I have to help them with that before we can unravel what might be going on. A couple that sounds like they are great communicators may, in fact, be very good at talking about everything except what needs to be brought out into the open. Subject matter meanders: one person’s experience of a stressful job may be impacting the relationship. Another person’s trauma may need to be dealt with.

The show tends to concentrate on a few strands for each couple, so that you can see how they move through the issues. Typically, there are multiple strands that we are dealing with. The good thing about this though, is the domino effect. When you make changes in one place, it impacts other things and momentum builds.

Face to face or online couples therapy?

Dr Orna tends to see people face to face, apart from one season which was filmed during Covid. I see clients both online and face to face. This is simply a practical thing. With our busy lives it can be challenging to find times that both people can make in person, especially if there are children involved.

If we work online, I always suggest that people use the time they would have spent travelling to the session, as a time for reflection or grounding, depending on what they need right then.

The Endings

Of course, the TV show has an end of series deadline. Couples therapy is often not quite so definite. A couple might pop back for top up sessions when life issues threaten to throw them off course, and that’s always fine. However, Solution-Focused work, which is what I do, works on giving you tools and changing behaviours so that, even if you want to come back, you do still have tools and a depth of understanding you can bring to any situation, and this will be with you for life.

Free couples consultation

If you’d like to meet me and see if we would be a good fit to work together, you can book in a free online consultation here. If you can’t see a time that suits, or want an earlier one, contact me and I’ll find a slot for you.

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I often get asked this by people keen to improve their relationship, but for one reason or another, want or need to come on their own. Of course, the ideal is that you are both there, ready and willing to work on whatever might be the issue. But life isn’t always ideal. Sometimes, one partner refuses to go, or just does not have the time or even capacity. Sometimes a client might want to think through where they are and what’s going on before raising issues with a partner. Or perhaps they know there’s something going for them that’s impacting their relationship and they would rather work on it alone. Occasionally, they know that they need to have a difficult conversation with a partner, but would like some support to do that.

Couples therapy on my own

I tend to call couples therapy on your own as relationship therapy. Things I often work on with my clients are communication skills, creating a space to think about your attachments styles and how they might be impacting you. We can also look at whether a relationship is right for you: is it worth saving or would you be better off leaving? If leaving is your decision, then we can address the practical ways to do this in the best way for everyone involved.

Dealing with conflict is also something that often comes up. Some people are very conflict averse. While no one advocates conflict as being a great thing, some conflict is normal and to be expected. Avoiding conflict can mean that you adopt a passive position, perhaps even people pleasing, and it’s hard to get out of this habit.

How couple therapy on your own works

Relationship dynamics are interesting things. As soon as you change one thing, it has a ripple effect on others. This is how one person working alone can still change the dynamic of a relationship.

Please do contact me here if you’d like to explore relationship therapy.

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