Money can be difficult enough for us as individuals, but when two people come together, each with their own issues around money, it can lead to problems in a relationship. Sometimes, it’s about not having enough, of course, but not always. Different spending and saving patterns can feel like chasms. There may be disagreement over parenting and how to instil money values, or even problems when one of you values money over time due to deep set financial insecurity.

All of these can result in:

• Avoiding difficult money conversations
• Disagreeing over money, time, children, or legacy
• Feeling tension without perhaps knowing why
• Resentment
• Disagreement over things like when to retire
• Struggling to feel “seen” by each other
• Very real problems with finances

Sometimes the challenge isn’t dysfunction. It’s simply that things feel off, and you need someone skilled enough to help you name what’s happening, and why.

Couples Therapy Around Money

The work we do together is thoughtful, systemic, and rooted in an understanding of finances, power, and emotional nuance. At the same time, it is very practical, and we will be working on tweaking habits and behaviours that perhaps no longer serve you as a couple.

This is not about blame. It’s about creating space for reflection, pattern recognition, and meaningful change in a safe, private environment.

Individual Financial Therapy

Perhaps you know that your money behaviours are contributing to conflict in your relationship, but you’d the space to address them alone rather than as a couple. That’s perfectly possible.

If you’re interested in addressing issues around money and finances, you can book a chat with me here.

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I talk to many people who wish their partners would switch off their phone to save their relationship. However, it is easier said than done. Many of us find it hard to switch off from social media.  Even if we are not posting, we may be watching the news, keeping an eye on comments, or our favourite accounts. While it’s good mental health advice to switch off, for many, staying connected can also be part of our job too.

However, it’s not great for us. That connection with our phone can easily supplant connection with our loved ones. Screen time can wreak havoc on our sleep, and it’s all too easy to get sucked into comparing ourselves with others as we read about another couple’s amazing holiday to some beautiful tropical island. Our phones flicker at a rate that hypnotises us, something you may have experienced if you just popped on to quickly check Instagram and then suddenly realise that you’ve been scrolling for half an hour.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t do any harm to take a moment to think about how you interact with social media. How can you switch off from it?

Setting boundaries

By setting boundaries, we can transform the way we use these platforms, allowing them to serve us rather than consume us.

1. First and foremost, designate specific times for checking social media

Instead of constantly dipping in and out of your accounts, allocate fixed periods during the day. This allows you to remain intentional and focused on each other. If you have children, it’s also modelling healthy phone behaviour for them too.

It will take some self-discipline to embed this at first, but after a while it will become a habit and free up that social media free space for each other.

2. Turn off non-essential notifications

I no longer have any notifications on my phone. They are just too distracting. Even if you are able to ignore them going off and carry on with your conversation, there will be a part of your brain that is distracted by them. This means that they can easily disrupt your concentration and focus.

Decide when you engage, not the other way around.

3. Social media free zones

Creating social media-free zones within your home is another powerful strategy. I’ve long had a zero phones rule at the dining room table, but you could do the same for after 8pm, or on a Sunday perhaps.

Have you ever noticed that when one person gets their phone out, others follow suit? Physical boundaries can aid us in mentally clocking out from the digital world, encouraging presence in our immediate surroundings. This could simply be a phone free room.

4. Digital detoxes

Small but regular digital detoxes can give our brains that space to process. Commit to disconnecting for a few hours, a day, or even a weekend. If someone really needs you, they can phone!

Use this time to indulge in hobbies, relax, and reset together.

5. Cull like crazy

Lastly, be selective about who you follow. Not all content is beneficial. Unfollowing accounts that don’t add value is a game-changer.

You may not have control over what you see and follow from a workplace point of view. However, you can curate your personal feed to include voices and accounts that inspire, amuse or uplift you.

By doing this, you fill your social media experience with positivity and meaningful engagement.

As well as craving some time out for each other, this will boost your mental health. You’ll have more mental capacity to process whatever comes along. I promise, the results will be worth it.

If phone use is impacting your life and relationships, book a chat with me here to see how I can help. I see people in person in hythe and Folkestone, and online via Zoom and WhatsApp video.

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I often get asked this by people keen to improve their relationship, but for one reason or another, want or need to come on their own. Of course, the ideal is that you are both there, ready and willing to work on whatever might be the issue. But life isn’t always ideal. Sometimes, one partner refuses to go, or just does not have the time or even capacity. Sometimes a client might want to think through where they are and what’s going on before raising issues with a partner. Or perhaps they know there’s something going for them that’s impacting their relationship and they would rather work on it alone. Occasionally, they know that they need to have a difficult conversation with a partner, but would like some support to do that.

Couples therapy on my own

I tend to call couples therapy on your own as relationship therapy. Things I often work on with my clients are communication skills, creating a space to think about your attachments styles and how they might be impacting you. We can also look at whether a relationship is right for you: is it worth saving or would you be better off leaving? If leaving is your decision, then we can address the practical ways to do this in the best way for everyone involved.

Dealing with conflict is also something that often comes up. Some people are very conflict averse. While no one advocates conflict as being a great thing, some conflict is normal and to be expected. Avoiding conflict can mean that you adopt a passive position, perhaps even people pleasing, and it’s hard to get out of this habit.

How couple therapy on your own works

Relationship dynamics are interesting things. As soon as you change one thing, it has a ripple effect on others. This is how one person working alone can still change the dynamic of a relationship.

Please do contact me here if you’d like to explore relationship therapy.

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Have you considered walk and talk therapy? Picture this: a sunny day, a gentle breeze, and you, strolling through a park or along a beach with your therapist by your side. Walk and Talk Therapy not only gets you out and about and enjoying all the benefits of physical exercise, but the movement can actually make therapy even more powerful. Here’s how:

What is Walk and Talk Therapy?

Walking therapy, sometimes called ecotherapy,  is like taking your therapy session for a spin outdoors. Sitting in a clinic together can create an environment for valuable work. However, there are also times when it’s useful to add in some movement through walking outdoors. That bilateral movement that happens during walking also helps our brains process and walking therapy can harness this.

I have curated walks around Folkestone and Hythe where we have the space to deep dive while walking, all the while enjoying the benefits of exercise and fresh air. It’s therapy, but with a side of Vitamin D!

What are the benefits of walk and talk therapy?

• Walking and talking therapy swaps the clinical setting for the great outdoors. It’s like therapy, but you get to ditch sitting still. How about sharing your thoughts while enjoying the breeze under the open sky? We have all of nature at our fingertips to help with great metaphors, and it has been proven to boost cognitive function.
• Fitness for the mind and body. My clients who struggle to find time to exercise can multi-task by using their therapy sessions. These walking appointments also work well for those who are struggling with weight or chronic illness and know that walking is vital for their health.
• Nature itself soothes us. Trees, flowers, and the occasional seagull– nature is therapeutic in itself. Walk and Talk therapy lets you soak up the calming vibes of the great outdoors. Sometimes, all you need is a change of scenery to lift your spirits, and there are many studies which pin-point time spent outdoors as being helpful with depression.
•  Walking side by side with your therapist somehow makes it all a bit more laid back. The casual setting might be helpful  for opening up and sharing your thoughts more freely. Also, walking side by side is far less intimidating than looking at someone across the room. It feels more equal, and is especially helpful when working with teenagers who are wary of counselling.
• Add in endorphins from the exercise to boost your mental health. Along with this comes a sense of achievement at getting your daily steps in.
• We walk to suit you and your pace. Even if you can only walk at a gentle stroll, we can do that, and I’ve chosen places where we can stop and catch breath or just take a pause if needed.
• Variety. Many of my clients have one week in the clinic, one week outside. They like the variety (I do too) and it helps promote a feeling of flow and movement to their therapy.

The weather

Of course, we are in the UK and beholden to the weather! I check the forecast the day before and we can reassess if we need to. Sometimes, walking in the rain can be refreshing and restorative, and I am happy to meet up if clients are up for it. However, we always have online and telephone options to fall back on.

Book a walking therapy session in Hythe or Folkestone

Drop me a line here or book in a chat to discuss working together.  I see walking locals from Folkestone and Hythe, as well as clients from Canterbury, Ashford and all over Kent.

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I first came across the idea, rather than the name, when my father announced that he hated the Autumn as it was the precursor to him feeling down over the winter months. It was only in my 30s that I started to experience the same thing. So, what exactly is SAD?

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression. It generally happens at a specific time of year, usually during the Autumn and winter months when daylight hours are shorter and we tend to spend more time indoors. It makes sense doesn’t it. We have less exposure to natural light at this time. This can disrupt the body’s internal clock and even prevent hormones like melatonin being released at the right time. Melatonin affects our sleep and lack of sleep can impact all aspects of our life.  It is most commonly associated with the winter months, but some people may experience a form of SAD during the summer, especially if they find themselves housebound or working in a basement, for instance.

Common symptoms of SAD are:

1. Persistent sadness or low mood.
2. Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities. You withdraw and also loose the structure and connection those activities used to bring to your life.
3. Increased fatigue and a desire to sleep more.
4. Finding it harder to get going in the morning.
5. Difficulty concentrating and making decisions, perhaps even brain fog.
6. Changes in appetite and weight, often with a craving for carbohydrates, or “stodge.”
7. Social withdrawal and irritability.
8. Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness.
9. Physical symptoms like aches and pains.

Even if symptoms are small, such as feeling more tired than usual, they can have a knock-on effect on your life. You end up being less productive, for instance, and this impacts your self-esteem.

How to help SAD

For many people, it’s surprisingly simple and easy to feel better. Here are some ideas:

Light Therapy (Phototherapy)

Light therapy involves exposure to a bright light box that mimics natural sunlight. It can be a highly effective treatment for SAD.  I bought a simple lightbox from Amazon for under £30 and it’s been a faithful part of my office every winter for five years now. You only need a short time every morning, and it doubles as a great light for zoom calls!

Lifestyle Changes

It may sound pretty obvious but sometimes not so easy to do if you are working – get out into the daylight early in the morning. Perhaps you can adjust your working hours to start a bit later after a walk, or get off public transport or park further away and bring a walk into your daily routine. See what you can fit in lunch time too.

See people

Do not withdraw as this makes things worse. If you’re not feeling that sociable, do something where you can be around people, but perhaps not relying on talking so much, like an activity. Or, still see people, but in shorter bursts.

Vitamin D

Some people with SAD may benefit from vitamin D supplements, as they can be deficient during the darker months.

Look at your stress levels

Stress can make things worse, and winter brings its own worries. Concerns over paying energy bills, affording Christmas or even relationship issues as we spend more time together can feel hard at this time of year. Building up a menu of stress-reduction techniques like mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing can help. Talk to a friend and build in more exercise.

Support Groups

Not for everyone, but joining a SAD support group can provide emotional support and a sense of community with others who are experiencing similar challenges. This can be useful if you are feeling isolated and lonely already.

Your GP

If you’ve tried these natural ideas, then it could be an idea to talk to your GP. In some cases, antidepressant medications, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), may be prescribed to alleviate symptoms.

Counselling or Psychotherapy

Working with someone like myself can help you develop coping strategies for managing SAD symptoms. If the depressed mood is bringing other things to the surface, we can work with these.

Hope

It’s important to remember that SAD is a real and treatable condition. If you’d like to talk about how I could help you, contact me here, or book in a chat here. I offer counselling in Folkestone and Hythe, as well as online therapy.

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I often speak to possible clients who ask me how does online therapy work, and does it work as well as in person counselling? While some of my clients are from Hythe or Folkestone, and come to see me in one of my consulting rooms, many are further afield and we work online.

A typical online counselling session

Previous to the session I’ll send you an email invite with the Zoom login details. At the set time we’ll both login and begin the session. Just like my face to face sessions, we will probably begin with taking measures. These are like scores where we look at specific things like your anxiety levels, needs or symptoms of trauma. We may take these every week, or every few weeks depending on the nature of our work together. Over the sessions, we can then plot your improvement and we can literally see, on a chart, the results of your therapy.

We’ll then move onto the main part of the counselling session. You may have or chose to set a goal to work towards and that session is devoted to that. Or, perhaps, something has happened in the last week that it’s important to bring to the session. This is your time. However, we will still be looking to work on what’s brought you here in the first place too!

We will wrap up just like a face to face to face session, looking at some homework and setting the date and time of our next session. I will then send that invite and zoom link to you.

What do you need for an online therapy session?

A quiet and comfortable place is the most important thing, along with an internet connection. That said, I have had clients who prefer the phone and we can always do that, or revert if we have connection issues. It doesn’t happen very often, but occasionally the tech gremlins pick on us.

It’s important to pick a place where you feel you can talk freely, and that you won’t be overheard. It also helps me to be able to see your face and shoulders. I may take you through how to position your laptop in the right place if necessary. Notifications should be off, especially if you’re using your phone, and ideally, you shouldn’t have to answer the doorbell or anything like that.

That said, life is life, and we work with what we have!

What’s so great about an online therapy call?

People sometimes worry that we won’t be able to make a connection, that it’s not as good as being in the same room. I haven’t found this, and many of my clients love its benefits. These include:

• No need to travel back and forth to the session
• You can build in downtime before and after the session to think about what’s come up
• If you’re anxious, you are in your own space
• No paying out for a commute, parking or the possibloe coffee and cake if you arrive early and need to occupy yourself
• Many people are very comfortable online now, and actively prefer this
• You can have your pet with you if it calms you and they are happy to sit quietly during the session.

I see my my own supervisor online and have found it very effective and practical.

Why not book yourself in for a no-obligation 15 minute chat to see what it’s like to work with me online? You can do that here.

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