Hello, I’m Paula Gardner and I’m a couples and relationship therapist seeing clients in Kent and online. As well as a therapist, I’m a business psychologist and that mindset actually makes my approach to couples therapy quite different from many others.

I work with evidence-based tools that I know have successful track records in helping couples communicate better, stop worrying, soothe themselves and set up routines that help support the life together they want to have. We talk about getting your needs met right now, and look at what’s going to help your situation and improve things as soon as possible. Together, we set experiments, drawn from whatever we cover in our sessions, and these are really practical ways to help embed what you learn together.

Is couples therapy the right choice?

Coming to couples therapy can be a really positive step. You are learning new skills and ways of behaving that are going to improve things for the both you…your family too, if you have one. Businesses constantly invest in upskilling so why shouldn’t you?

This solution-focused, practical approach means that couples counselling with me is not prolonged. Clients often see results in a small number of sessions, and, because we focus on the here and now, rather than the distant past, it suits people who want to see changes without a short amount of time.

For Individuals

It’s not all couples that I see. Perhaps your partner doesn’t want to come? Even with one person attending we can create small shifts that have a domino effect. Maybe you’d like some space to figure out if a relationship is right for you? We can do that, and look at the realities of the paths for you whichever direction you choose. If you’re going through a difficult break-up, therapy can help you process, recalibrate and let go.

What about me?

The therapeutic relationship matters so it’s important that you choose someone you both like and respect. That’s something you can never properly capture on a web-page. You can book an online chat with me to see how the dynamic might work between us.  I am warm, supportive and friendly, yes, but I’m also very straight-forward, practical and strategic. This is more than a nice chat, but we may well laugh along the way.

Sessions for a couple are 75 minutes. See up to date fees here.

You can book a zoom online chat here.

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Many people’s experience of couples therapy is through watching the TV programme on Iplayer. Putting aside the ethical issues around confidentiality for a moment, it’s interesting to consider whether real life couples therapy is like the TV programme?

First off, your own session will be private! Any therapist is bound by rules around confidentiality that keeps you safe. However, just like Dr Orna Guralnik, the show’s therapist, every decent therapist will have supervision. This means that they share your story with their own supervisor. Sometimes this supervisor can offer a different perspective, or suggest an avenue to explore that might be helpful. They are also a check and balance to ensure that the therapist is working with you ethically and safely.

Secondly, the range of issues that couples bring to counselling can be as diverse as those on the show. It’s not always about affairs and betrayals. Our past, especially our childhoods, can instil patterns of behaviour that keep us stuck. These sometimes themselves raise issues and conflicts within a relationship. Likewise, a couple can feel like they’ve grown apart and want to use the therapy session as a place to explore how they can recapture their intimacy.

Working with different types of couples therapy

There are many different approaches out there. For a start, they might be called couples counsellors, couples therapists or even marriage guidance counsellors. Some take your early years as their focus, looking at the impact of childhood on attachment patterns for instance. My apparich is Solution Focused. This means that, while we will look at what’s brought you to where you are now, the attention is on what you can do right now to help things change.

This might involve trying out new ways of communication for instance, or some reflective work to notice when certain behaviors are triggered. Although Dr Orna sometimes gives homework, this is a big part of our work together. I believe real change is only made when we embed it into our lives.

We also do work around getting your needs met. These are needs like security, connection, community, meaning and purpose – how can you get these met so that your relationship becomes more of a choice and a joy?

Is Couples Therapy Like the TV Programme?

Of course one might imagine that the couples on the programme have been chosen because they are able to talk on camera, are comfortable opening up, and even, perhaps, promise a little drama. It can be very different in real life couples counselling sessions. One partner may find it difficult to open up, and I have to help them with that before we can unravel what might be going on. A couple that sounds like they are great communicators may, in fact, be very good at talking about everything except what needs to be brought out into the open. Subject matter meanders: one person’s experience of a stressful job may be impacting the relationship. Another person’s trauma may need to be dealt with.

The show tends to concentrate on a few strands for each couple, so that you can see how they move through the issues. Typically, there are multiple strands that we are dealing with. The good thing about this though, is the domino effect. When you make changes in one place, it impacts other things and momentum builds.

Face to face or online couples therapy?

Dr Orna tends to see people face to face, apart from one season which was filmed during Covid. I see clients both online and face to face. This is simply a practical thing. With our busy lives it can be challenging to find times that both people can make in person, especially if there are children involved.

If we work online, I always suggest that people use the time they would have spent travelling to the session, as a time for reflection or grounding, depending on what they need right then.

The Endings

Of course, the TV show has an end of series deadline. Couples therapy is often not quite so definite. A couple might pop back for top up sessions when life issues threaten to throw them off course, and that’s always fine. However, Solution-Focused work, which is what I do, works on giving you tools and changing behaviours so that, even if you want to come back, you do still have tools and a depth of understanding you can bring to any situation, and this will be with you for life.

Free couples consultation

If you’d like to meet me and see if we would be a good fit to work together, you can book in a free online consultation here. If you can’t see a time that suits, or want an earlier one, contact me and I’ll find a slot for you.

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Many of the teenagers, graduates, students and apprentices that I see struggle with confidence. Often this is seen as a difficulty finding their voice. This could be in the workplace, college, or even with their friends. A lack of experience, or confidence, can make us feel tongue-tied and so less likely to put our own thoughts and ideas forward.

There are few things more empowering than saying what you think. That is, what you truly think. I’m not talking about hurting people; you have to respect for people’s feelings. Still, imagine how simple life would be if you could tell your boss that her idea isn’t going to work in the way that she thinks. Or let your friend know that you would rather see her on her own and not with tagging along with her and her boyfriend.

Language and Confidence

When we look at confidence, language is one of the first things we address. It’s something I’ve had to think about for myself. At one point, my language on a confidence scale was pretty poor. I I hid what I meant in woolly phrases to avoid confrontation. Everything had to sound nice, jolly even. If I was annoyed or fed up with someone I was still concerned about coming over as the nice girl. This showed up in the language I used. This was true both in real day to day life,  in my emails and online communications.

So, how did that change?  I made it a mission to drop the “I was just wondering..if…when you had time..you could possibly pay me.” Instead, I deliberately used straightforward language. “I am just checking to see when you’re going to be transferring the money.” This is totally unambiguous. If they didn’t respond, my spidey sense was allowed to go into overdrive. There’s no mistaking the meaning here. No response means something’s up.

It’s easy to do a spotcheck on whether you do the same thing. Do you use add-ons like “I was just thinking?”, or “maybe, if this isn’t too left field.” These are all ways we make ourselves sound a little less confident.

Clear speaking and confidence for young people

Here are some ways you can work on becoming more clearer and saying what you think…

• Changing your language to communicate more clearly first means adding in breathing space. No rushing to reply to that text or email straight away. When you’re in conversation, practise slowing down and pausing. Give yourself time to think and time to phrase what you’re going to say next
• Listening is just as important. It allows you to really understand who you are talking to and adjust what you want to say accordingly
• Don’t be afraid to rephrase yourself.”I haven’t seen you around much..hmmm…actually I meant to say why does it feel like you’ve been dodging me all week?”
• Be brave and say, “I don’t understand that, would you mind explaining it again.” Do this, even if it’s in the middle of a conference call or conversation. No need to say I’m sorry, just ask for clarification. Often, someone else will be relieved that you’ve asked the question
• If you have to say something that you are nervous about, especially in a meeting, consider putting what you want to say in an email first. Do it clearly and succinctly and offer it up for discussion at the meeting
• There’s no need to drop the niceties in an email but get to the point quickly, before people get bored
• Practise saying “I think”, “I believe”, “I want”, “I’d advise”. You could choose a phrase of the week and see how it feels to use it
• If you’re having a difficult conversation, stay away from sharing your emotions as much as possible. Even, if you’re hurt try not to whine or sound upset as this is what people will hear, not the words.

Confidence is a journey

You also need to know what you are thinking. This means taking ten minutes to ponder what’s going on in the office on the journey home. Don’t be tempted to switch off straight away. Rather, take a little time to consider. It also means tuning into your gut instincts. This is how you recognise this new job isn’t right, or a certain friend always leaves you feeling drained.

Growing in confidence is a journey and not achieved in one swoop. The rewards are more clarity and respect from other people.

Not all therapy is about dealing with difficult life issues. We can also focus on building confidence and communication skills, and I have been helping young people and teenagers with these for many years. Book a chat to find out more, or email me here.

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I often get asked by parents who want to know why teenagers self-harm. I can give them a bit of a steer as to why, in general, teengagers self-harm, but every child is different. There are many reasons behind self-harming. It’s also important to remember that we all self-harm to some extent or other. Staying up late to binge watch that box-set when you’ve got an important meeting in the morning? That’s a form of self-harm. Failing to do any form of self-care? That’s a form of self-harm.  As is continuously being attracted to the wrong type of person, eating unhealthily, smoking, vaping…and the list goes on.

So, what do all these have in common? They all provide some type of relief in the short-term. That could be a sense of comfort, familiarity or even a feeling of switching off. These are, of course, on the milder end of the spectrum, but it’s useful to know that we all indulge in self-harming behaviours.  In the meantime, back to the teenagers and the reasons why they might be drawn to this behaviour.

It helps them cope with emotional pain

Teenagers may use self-harm as a way to cope with overwhelming emotions such as sadness, anger, anxiety, or frustration. It can serve as a temporary release from emotional pain. When we self-harm, it can lead to the release of endorphins, which are the body’s natural painkillers and mood elevators. This can create a temporary sense of relief and euphoria.

Seeking Attention or Help

In some cases, self-harm can be a way for teenagers to communicate their need for help or support when they find it challenging to express their struggles in other ways. It’s a shame that we so often dismiss this need for attention, as it’s an intrinsic human need. If someone needs attention, that surely is what we should be giving them, especially if they are self-harming to get it.

If communication skills are lacking, self-harm may serve as a visible expression of inner emotional turmoil. It can be a way for individuals to communicate their distress when words fail them.

Peer Pressure

Social pressure, bullying, or the desire to fit in can also be reasons your teenager might start to self-harm. If it is isolating being the only one who doesn’t do it, then why not try it, just this once?

Mental Health Issues

Issues such as depression, anxiety, or borderline personality disorder can contribute to self-harm. Addressing these underlying issues often results in this behaviour fading away. Engaging in self-harm can provide a distraction from overwhelming emotional pain. The focus on physical pain may divert attention from intense emotions, at least temporarily.

It gives a sense of control

For some, self-harm can provide a sense of control in situations where they may feel powerless or overwhelmed. The act of self-harm can be a way to regain a perceived sense of control over their own bodies and emotions.

Self-Punishment

In some cases, self-harm may be driven by feelings of guilt, shame, or self-loathing. The act of self-harm can serve as a form of self-punishment for perceived wrongs or failures.

It’s natural as a parent to be very worried if your child self-harms. If they have told you about it, that’s a good thing. It can serve as a starting point for conversations around the situations above, to help you and your teenager navigate this challenge. Working with a therapist can also be very useful, as they will create a safe, independent space where your child can feel heard and explore their feelings without worries around upsetting you.

I am happy to chat if you think or know that your child is self-harming. I can work with your teenager. If your teenager is getting support already, I also work with parents who perhaps need extra support through this difficult time. Please  contact me and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible, or you can book a Zoom session here. I see clients in person in Hythe and Folkestone, and also offer online and telephone sessions.

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Dealing with difficult redundancy conversations is something for which few of us are prepared. One of the saddest things about being a business owner is when you have to let people go, due to redundancy. While medium to large businesses will have a HR person or department that can handle this, it may be that you need to deliver the news yourself if you are a small business.  Meanwhile, if your business is such that you are having to make people redundant, it’s probable that you may not be in the best state of mind yourself.

In this video interview I talked to clinical psychologist Dr Natalie Bodart about how to handle the delivery of the bad news. First: how do you have those difficult conversations? Dr Bodart looks at how to use your values and knowledge of a person. This will help you guide the session. She also shares advice on how to look after yourself in this process. Self-care is vital at this time, especially if you are having to do a number of redundancy conversations. Being on the delivery end also has a psychological impact. This is especially so if you work closely with a person and know them and their circumstances well. 

This video is ideal for anyone who has to deliver the tough news of redundancy to their employees or colleagues, and who wants to do it in an ethical and compassionate way. It’s rarely good news for the recipient, so thinking carefully about how we approach this makes good business sense.

Dr Natalie Bodart

Dr Natalie Bodart is a chartered psychologist with the British Psychological Society. You can find Natalie at https://www.thebodartpractice.co.uk

Are you struggling with your business and would appreciate talking this through with a therapist and business psychologist at this time?  You can contact me to book in an introductory no-cost session to see how I can help.

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If there’s one thing I always wanted to instil within my own children, it was a love of reading. I see reading as excellent self-care. Reading can transport you away from the stress and anxieties of daily life. With a good book, this can even happen within a couple of pages. For many, reading can be more accessible than meditation.  It may not produce those alpha or even theta brainwaves that are linked with meditation, but it has many benefits.

There are countless numbers of universes waiting to be discovered, all just by opening a book.

Too Stressed To Read?

First, just notice that very fact is telling you that something is wrong, and perhaps it’s time to do something about it. Is something in particular bothering you? Or are your anxiety levels just high all round? You can take action over a particular issues, talk it through with a friend or colleague, or up your levels of self-care and relaxing activities. If it feels too much, then talking it through with a counsellor, like myself, should help.

Nevertheless, perhaps there is some way you can still get some joy and relaxation out of reading. One idea is to swap books for nespapers or magazines, perhaps. Sometimes, this can work well. However, do be careful about what you read. Newspapers are often full of stories of death, tragedy and disaster, which may not be helpful at all.

Magazines can be more of an escape, but again do be careful. You will often see a lot of advertisers and journalists setting impossible standards. We are told to buy this, to look like this, to dress our homes like this. It’s often another pressure in our already pressured lives. Even if you think you’re immune, it can creep under your skin without you knowing.

Another idea is to change your genre. Perhaps you can’t cope with your usual modern classic at the moment, but you may be able to plough through a page-turning thriller or historical romance? Above all, I recomend Audible for my clients who are having a problem focusing on reading a book. It can be lovely being read to before you go to sleep at night. You can pass time on long journeys, and dip in while you are walking the dog. If you belong to a library, they have their own version too

Getting into the Habit

If you’d like to add reading to your self-care, it really helps to make it a ritual. Where could you read? In bed on a Sunday morning, or last thing at night?  In the bath?

The commute, of course, is another great time. Even if you don’t commute, you can use that same time to pick up a book. It’s about developing the reading habit and seeing how much enjoyment we can get.

You can even listen to Audible and combine it with getting some exercise on a walk or run!

Benefits of reading as self-care

The benefits of reading are huge. The enjoyment of reading a great story itself: something that is hard-wired into us all. It’s also the opportunity to learn about new places, people and cultures. Joining a book club, even online, is an easy way to find a community and connection. If you use Audible, you can listen with a partner, and discuss what you think as we you go along.

Should you read self-help books?

If you are finding this useful, and relaxing, then yes, or course. Whatever works for you. My main point is that clients read something that distracts and relaxes: something that helps them escape from whatever is causing them stress in their lives. For me, and many of my clients, it’s only fiction that does that.

Finally, reading can help with so many of our human needs. It can give us a sense of privacy, of escaping into our own private world. It can help us connect with others, providing fodder for conversations or introducing us to new friends through a book club. Reading to our children helps us focus our attention on them, a key need for them. I’ve known couple who read to each other, a lovely intimate thing to do. It can also provide us with a sense of achievement: that lovely feeling when you finish a book that you’ve really enjoyed, or even finally worked your way through Anna Karenina!

Have you noticed that you just can’t concentrate and are too stressed to read lately? Contact me to arrange a no-obligation call if you’d like to do some work to lower stress levels and get you back into reading again.

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If you are feeling down or lost in life, sor just can’t seem to feel much meaning any more, sometimes going right back to basics and defining your own unique values is a good place to start.

The problem is that it’s so easy to go through life without even thinking about our true values. What makes it even more complicated is that our values may change. The values you have as a parent are not going to be the same as those you had pre children. 

Consequently, I recommend doing the following exercise on a regular basis, say every couple of years.  

The Values Exercise

I’ve spoken about needs before, and values can overlap with needs, but not always. Here’s how you find yours…

Take a notebook or a sheet of paper and think about the things that are really important in your life. Not possessions or people, but concepts.  I’ve put together a list at the end of this article, just to get you thinking, but this isn’t exhaustive. You can put your own in here if something comes to mind.

I’d like you to write down twenty that resonate with you. If you can’t reach 20 that’s fine, but if you have more than 20, I want you to get that number down to 20. Some words may mean very similar things: bravery and fearlessness for instance. Choose the one that resonates most with you. If you’re not quite sure on the definition of a word, but you feel it applies, just go with what that word means to you.

Interpreting the Data

Once you’ve got your 20 top values I’d like you to half those and pick the ten that resonate the most. Here’s a list I put together that describe where I am today.

Health, Family, Growth, Freedom, Peace, Creativity, Learning, Fun, Connection, Clarity.

I’ve done this often enough that they are actually in order, my current top value at the start of the list. I’d like you to do the same too, ordering your values so that you can see which ones matter more.  

I invite you to look upon your values on a regular basis so copy them out and out them somewhere you will see them: on the wall next to your desk, in your diary, on your fridge…whatever works for you!

Think back over your life to jobs that you’ve loved and jobs you’ve hated. How do they stack up against your values? Did the job you hated stifle your creativity while the jobs you loved let it have free reign? How about people? Does someone irritate you because their emails and other forms of communication lack clarity? Do you always clash with your teenage son because he doesn’t want to spend enough time, in your eyes, with his family?

Everyone else has different values so it’s almost impossible to have completely aligned values, but it can be useful to remember that we are all operating from our values and what’s important to you may be meaningless for someone else.

Living your Values

If you’re not living your values, the question is, why not? Is there just not the possibility at the moment? Or perhaps this is something you need to fight for? If your last job had a very rigid structure to the day and a boss who was a bit of a micromanager, and your top three values include freedom, then this could be a valuable lesson in the sort of working environment you want next.

If health is one of your top values but every evening you collapse on the sofa with a glass of wine or packet of biscuits, then it’s clear you are not giving this value priority.

As I’m self-employed I have literally set up my life to represent my values even though I didn’t know it at the time. I work from home so I get to see my family and have time to swim or get to a class. My work is very creative and I am constantly learning. Of course, if you’re employed, or have a demanding family or personal circumstances, it can be hard. However, using our values to guide us can keep pur actions and decisions aligned with what we really want.

How to use your values

Quite frankly, they can now become a road map for future decisions. Thinking of working for a particular company? Check their company values or mission statement and see if it overlaps with your own (or at least doesn’t contradict it). Fancy moving to a career with more meaning?  The values will guide you to where to look for that meaning.

I have had clients who literally have started crying when they realise one of their top values doesn’t figure anywhere in their work or sometimes even life. It sounds unbelievable but actually it’s very common.

Values

Health, Family, Growth, Freedom, Peacefulness, Creativity, Learning, Fun, Connection, Clarity, Trust, Bravery, Neatness, Simplicity, Adventure, Independence, Challenge, Love, Fame, Tradition, Fearlessness, Service, Discovery, Daring, Spontaneity, Order, Hope, Diplomacy, Originality, Precision, Determination, Flexibility, Consistency, Polish, Excitement, Generosity, Endurance, Calmness, Empathy, Mastery, Beauty, Curiosity, Abundance, Variety, Accomplishment, Wisdom, Warmth, Expression, Attractiveness, Excellence, Uniqueness, Energy, Enthusiasm, Dignity, Education, Being the Best, Intelligence, Completion, Significance, Discipline, Composure, Availability, Recognition, Contribution, Vision, Diligence, Co-operation, Leadership, Affluence, Fun, Harmony.

 Accuracy, Drama, Credibility, Experience, Dependability, Expertise, Altruism, Action, Activeness, Helpfulness, Charity, Support, Diversity, Justice, Duty, Popularity, Balance, Calm, Acknowledgement, Intuition, Efficiency, Effectiveness, Achievement, Congruency, Clarity, Control, Decisiveness, Pragmatism, Drive, Adaptability, Growth, Freedom, Choice, Assertiveness, Comfort, Cosy, Belonging, Family, Imagination, Creativity, Teamwork, Time with others.

If you’d like help going through this exercise, or would like to talk about how to find more meaning in your life, you can book a call here, or contact me here.

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• Parents who come home and moan about their workplace all evening but do nothing to get a new job or take action to make things better
• Those who spend too many hours working, or on their phone
• Not looking after their physical health by eating rubbish food and taking no exercise
• Losing their temper with children because they take no time out for themselves to calm down and lower their own stress and emotional arousal
• Smoking when they know it’s a bad habit they wouldn’t want their children to take up

How can we role model good mental health habits?

One useful thing that we can do for the generation/s below us, whatever our age, is to try and role model good mental health habits. When we sit in that therapy room it can be both empowering, and a little scary, to realise that everything we do impacts those around us. This is especially so if we have children or are working with younger people. Taking responsibilty for ourselves can empower others too.

What powerful things have we learned in our own lives can we share with younger people?  One way to illustrate this is by telling stories, offering advice or starting a discussion. Alternatively, we could just model these things through our own behaviour.

Examples that will positively impact our own mental health and help young people learn to do the same might be:

Setting Boundaries

These could include being firm about deadlines, when you are and are not working, things you will and will not do in your role, and what you will talk about. Explanations are the key here. Setting a hard deadline of Tuesday for a piece of work will have much more impact if you explain why it needs to be done by then – if someone else is waiting for the piece for instance. Likewise, explaining that you don’t work on weekends so that you keep that time free to wind down will help them to gain the confidence that it’s okay to value your own time and energy.

Taking time to wind down

I often hear my therapy clients tell me they know they “should be” taking exercise, meditating, walking or doing any one of a number of powerful things we all know are helpful in calming anxiety and stress levels. They often report feeling guilty and not having time. However, these things, deceptively simple as they are, are the key to managing our anger and irritability.

Why not show those around you that you care enough for them to look after yourself, and put yourself in a good place for them? They will grow up with the knowledge that looking after themsleves is okay, and that they too can take some control over their own feelings and emotions.

Being kind

Gossip is an underestimated factor in mental health. This includes both gossiping about others, as well as worrying if others are talking about you. Setting a no gossip tone helps people feel safer and more comfortable.

If someone else is struggling, a conversation about how we can all be kind to them, even thinking in practical terms, helps everyone emerge feeling much happier.

Finally, don’t forget about being kind to yourself. This includes taking time out for self-care, as well as refusing to let that inner critic take over.

Looking after yourself

You don’t have to nag about eating greens and drinking water. If young people see you eating rubbish, it’s not unlikely that they will take that as the norm. Set the bar higher, ask them how they look after themselves, and start the conversations that show them that health should be a priority. Get to bed at a decent hour, or see a therapist about your insomnia, and let them see how important sleep is.

If you’re having a hard time cutting down your smoking, talk to them about it. Let them see that stopping struggle can be a struggle…but in the end it is worth it. What story does that tell them about overcoming hard challenges? You never know, one day they may be thinking, “if mum/dad can stop smoking, then I can do this.”

Get off the phone

If we are on the phone, our attention is turned away to some virtual person or website. It is not with the people we are with. Apart from showing respect, this models good manners and highlights that you don’t need to be glued to your phone to get on. No phone rules at the diner table are a great place to start with this, as well as when you’re all sat down watching TV together.

Learn from them

Older people are not the experts in everything. I learn so much from young people, from how Bitcoin works, to why they are turning off the news for their mental health. Listening and learning from them reminds them that they too have the ability to influence others, and how powerful is that?

My one hour seminar on creating 7 habits for your mental health is ideal for young people. Please contact me here or book in a chat to discuss this for your organisation.

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