Resilience Archives - The Good Therapy Practice

Moving To Folkestone

Paula Gardner — Mon, 22 May 2023 09:39:58 +0000

I moved to Folkestone, from London, in April 2021. Moving out of London was on my wish-list for a few years. As each of my children grew up and left school, the need to stay in London grew less and less, until, with the last one heading off to University, I decided now was the time. It also coincided with the government’s suspension of stamp duty so it felt like the planets were aligned for the move.

I decided on Folkestone for many reasons:

Great rail-links to both Stratford international and Kings Cross St Pancras – both under an hour from Folkestone
One of my best friends already lived here, and I also knew a smattering of other people so I wouldn’t be starting a network from scratch
I fell in love with Folkestone itself. There’s a nice creative vibe here, not to mention how great it is to live by the sea
Many walks
I believe it has huge investment potential and think I was lucky to get in on it at the right time
It’s close enough for my kids to still visit

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. What has been interesting is how life has changed since I moved here.

Setting up my therapy practice in Hythe

With little knowledge of the local area, it’s been a bit of a journey to find the right location for my counselling clinic. I originally thought that it would be within the heart of Folkestone, but in fact I now see clients from my counselling clinic in Hythe, a village outside Folkestone. Why?

The first reason is that I discovered that I like Hythe. When I was house-hunting I had discounted it all together, somehow it just didn’t feel the right place to live, for me. I wanted to be near a sandy beach, and Folkestone felt buzzier. However, since getting to know the places around Folkestone, I realised Hythe suits myself, and the psychotherapy practice, perfectly. I then found great rooms in a beautiful Victorian building on the High Street. There’s parking for clients at the nearby Waitrose, and lovely cafes for my lunch and coffee. There’s even a great gym and pool nearby where I can chill between clients.

It’s also quite nice to have that little commute for work, and makes the home/work boundary a bit more pronounced.

I’ve slowed down (a bit)

When I first arrived in Folkestone, things like waiting for a coffee seemed interminable. Folkestone is a place where popping out for a coffee is more about relaxing than getting your caffeine hit. People chat at the till when you’re desperate to just get your stuff and get back to whatever it was you’ve just left. Many of the shops are closed Mondays and Tuesdays, and the banks shut mid-afternoon. The pharmacists at Boots even take an hour’s lunch-break. Can you imagine that in a busy city?

Moving out of London has been a lesson in patience as everything moves at a much slower pace. It’s done me good, and I am less stressed for it. This may be what you want when you move away from the city, but it can still feel odd and uncomfortable for a while.

Everyone knows your name

Well, not quite, but there certainly isn’t the same anonymity as there is in London. Within weeks you start to recognise people on the street, which also means that they can recognise you. Slipping out incognito is not an option, especially as a therapist! So, if being seen to dress a certain way is important for your image, then you are going to have to keep it up ALL THE TIME. Or just decide to relax your standards a bit.

It reminds me very much of being on a university campus, where a face you know could just be around the corner. You are no longer just another individual , you are part of a community, whether you want it or not.

You have to plan travel time

Long gone are the days when I could jump on the Tube or a bus. While the rail links are good, there is still only one high speed train per hour and if I miss that it has a huge knock-on effect on my day. This hasn’t had a massive impact as I am a planner by nature, but it does mean that I have to arrange meetings in London for late morning to give myself time to get there. I also have to be continously aware of the times of the evening trains, so that I don’t travel in rush hour with all the commuters, or leave it so late that it exhausts me for the next day. It’s a small thing, but an added element to think about.

You will also spend extra time jiggling around train times and tickets to get the best fares, but there is a huge satisfaction in bagging a deal that is hard to describe. Trainline.com will become your best friend. Additionally, signing up for a railcard of some kind will help you access cheaper fares.

Anxiety around moving out of London

It’s weird, but when you live in London, it feels like everything revolves around the capital. The events, the meetings, the conferences, the London vibe. Leaving is bound to induce a little anxiety. I think it would have felt worse if there wasn’t a pandemic on when I made my own move. However, I had to admit I did worry about it being the end of my career. Would I be holed up in some backwater and be one of those people who disappeared from the scene? Now that I am here, I realise it is nothing like a backwater, and there’s just as much of a scene here. If you want it, that is.

I have had to build a new network, and that is daunting. Nevertheless, I have done it once so I can do it again. It’s a good lesson for me too. Many of my clients are coping with change, and this is a reminder of how that can feel. I have no regrets, and it’s a priviledge to be able start over somewhere new, especially when it’s Folkestone.

My therapy clinic is minutes away from Folkestone, in lovely Hythe. Drop me a line if you’d like to chat about whether therapy might be right for you.

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Difficult Redundancy Conversations

Paula Gardner — Thu, 11 May 2023 14:12:52 +0000

Dealing with difficult redundancy conversations

Dealing with difficult redundancy conversations is something for which few of us are prepared. One of the saddest things about being a business owner is when you have to let people go, due to redundancy. While medium to large businesses will have a HR person or department that can handle this, it may be that you need to deliver the news yourself if you are a small business. Meanwhile, if your business is such that you are having to make people redundant, it’s probable that you may not be in the best state of mind yourself.

In this video interview I talked to clinical psychologist Dr Natalie Bodart about how to handle the delivery of the bad news. First: how do you have those difficult conversations? Dr Bodart looks at how to use your values and knowledge of a person. This will help you guide the session. She also shares advice on how to look after yourself in this process. Self-care is vital at this time, especially if you are having to do a number of redundancy conversations. Being on the delivery end also has a psychological impact. This is especially so if you work closely with a person and know them and their circumstances well.

This video is ideal for anyone who has to deliver the tough news of redundancy to their employees or colleagues, and who wants to do it in an ethical and compassionate way. It’s rarely good news for the recipient, so thinking carefully about how we approach this makes good business sense.

Dr Natalie Bodart

Dr Natalie Bodart is a chartered psychologist with the British Psychological Society. You can find Natalie at https://www.thebodartpractice.co.uk

Are you struggling with your business and would appreciate talking this through with a therapist and business psychologist at this time? You can contact me to book in an introductory no-cost session to see how I can help.

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Ways to Get Out Of Depression

Paula Gardner — Sun, 21 Aug 2022 13:33:15 +0000

Ten Ways to Get Out Of Depression

Whether you have been diagnosed with clinical depression, or have been feeling sad or down for a while, there are ways that can often help this shift. In this article, I look at ten ways to help yourself get out of depression. You can also use many of these suggestions to help someone else if they are struggling.

Ten Ways to Get Out Of Depression

1. Accept some responsibility

This isn’t responsibility for the depression, but responsibility for what happens going forward. Lifting depression will usually involve effort on your part, often at a time when you feel least like it. There will be some work involved, but, as some clients tell me, what’s the alternative – wallow in feeling bad and not knowing how long it will last, or feel the discomfort and one by one, the improvements?

2. Understand that there is a cycle of depression

Clients sometimes say things like “I just don’t know where this came from” when they describe their symptoms. Often, when we look back at what was going on in their lives just before this started, we can trace back to show them when the cycle of depression started. The cycle starts with some life change. This can be as momentous as a bereavement or relationship breakdown, to something smaller like a change in status at work, or a close friend moving away.

This occurrence and the change it brings, creates feelings of stress or worry and these impact on our sleep. Sleep is hugely important for humans. We have two main types of sleep. The deep sleep where our body is physically recharged and re-energised, and REM sleep (rapid eye movement sleep) where any worries or strong emotions that haven’t been dealt with during the day are tackled by our dreams. To give you an example, a harsh comment from your boss in real life may mean you have to bite your tongue to avoid lashing out and making the situation worse. We might repress those feelings for the rest of the day, or just simmer with resentment. That night our dreams will make sense of this, in metaphor. So, perhaps we might speak up to another authority figure in our dreams (a parent for example) and all those emotions dragged up during the day can now settle down.

If there are a lot of emotions then this is going to take up a lot of REM sleep, which impacts on our deep sleep, making us feel physically tired. Too much REM sleep also leaves us feeling unmotivated. Or, as often happens in depression, because REM sleep uses up a lot of energy, the brain just wakes up so that it can conserve that energy. This is what results in that early morning waking so common with depression.

We are now low in energy and motivation and so find we don’t fancy going out with our friends, practising the guitar or carrying on with our driving lessons. All the things that gave us connection, achievement, and all those other human needs, we pull away from. This creates even more worry and more anxiety. And so the cycle continues. This is what we have to break.

For some extra sleep tips, check out my article Sleep Clinic in Kent.

3. Deal with those worries

There are two extremely effective ways of helping diffuse the worries that can impact our sleep.

1. Worry Half Hour

Decide that you will worry during a set time (let’s say 5pm-5.30pm) – don’t leave it to too late at night. If a worry comes up outside that time, tell yourself you will think about it during this window. Note, you aren’t repressing your worries here, just placing them within a container. When that worry time comes you can worry away, but what you might find is that your brain has subconsciously worked out a solution, that the issue has passed, or that you no longer feel like worrying. Also, if tangible worries come up that you can do something about, you can use this time to make a plan.

2. Morning pages

I am a huge fan of the morning pages and prescribe them or both counselling and business psychology clients. It is a method for enhancing creativity popularised by author Julia Cameron in her book, The Artist’s Way. Like the worry half hour, choose a regular time of day when you will write about whatever comes into your head. It’s better to write with a pen and paper if you can. You can get yourself a special notebook for this, or just use paper you can throw away. It doesn’t matter. Your writing doesn’t even have to be legible.

Start just by writing . it can be whatever comes into your head and might well be “I have to get the chicken out of the freezer”. After a while you will get into a flow and find this gets things out of your head and onto that page where you can think things through, notice pattern or just spill and then rip up when you have finished. You are not aiming to re-read these (unless you really want to), just take note of what bubbles to the top.

This is most useful as a regular practice and again, not too late in the evening.

3. Connect with People

Social withdrawal is a classic depression symptom and it’s important to fight against this if you can. Just do it in your own way, whether that is spending time with your family for an extra half an hour even if you feel like withdrawing to your room, or asking a friend out for a drink, walk or chat.

If you are meeting up with a friend, think carefully about what you want from it. Would you prefer to be distracted, have some laughs, or maybe do something like bowling or a walk to get your body moving? Or would a chat be more useful? Knowing this might impact which friends you reach out to.

4. Food

Our eating habits can change if we are feeling depressed – perhaps eating less or more than usual. If you are comfort eating, notice what it is you are craving, salt or sugar for instance, and see what healthy options you can find to satisfy those. Also, bear in mind the word comfort. What non-eating activities can give you that comfort?

If your appetite has gone, what can you to do stimulate it with little treats or favourite foods? You may have to take some supplements and make sure that every mouthful counts.

5. Do what you enjoyed

Withdrawing from past activities that we used to find fun or absorbing is very common, but going back to them is an important step in recovery from depression. If you used to practise guitar for hours, perhaps a daily practice of twenty minutes would now work for you. If you used to go to a running club, but really don’t feel up to it, a regular walk will at least keep you reasonably fit and ready to get going again when you feel like it. There is a lot of trust and hope here I know, but gradually those feelings of enjoyment will return.

6. Relax

Whilst you can feel down, depression is a state of high emotional arousal. Finding time to relax is important. A book that you can get lost in, for instance, can be hugely beneficial. Just a few pages at a time are enough if you find it hard to focus. Walk with your dog (or check out Borrow My Doggy), listen to music, or practising meditation. Many studies have found meditation and mindfulness to be as useful as antidepressants for depression. There are many options out there, from local clubs and yoga classes, to apps like Calm or Insight Timer, both of which have free and paid-for versions. I have been using Insight Timer for many years

7. Move

Like meditation, exercise has about the same efficiency as antidepressants, but with many added benefits. Choose something that is easy for you, even if that means a twenty minute Pilates workout on YouTube. Make it a regular thing and then keep adding in more of different options as you feel able to. Exercise in nature, or with a friend, has added benefits too.

8. Volunteer

Turning your attention out from yourself and onto others is a key tactic to getting out of depression. Volunteering is an obvious way to do that and there are so many ways we can make a difference – and so many people who can use our help. Volunteering can bring us connection, meaning and purpose, as well as structure which can be helpful for many people who are feeling depressed. Do It is an interesting site that can help you find a volunteering opportunity.

9. Notice

We don’t feel the same day in, day out. Notice when that black cloud lifts, even for a few seconds. What was going on? Was it the breathtaking sunset that took your attention for a few moments? Notice which people perk you up and which ones drain you.

It should go without saying that bringing more of the things that lift you would be a key goal here.

10. Talk

Struggling alone is not helpful and there are people around who can help or at least support. If you don’t want to worry your family then please understand that they are no doubt already worried by your mood and behaviour and knowing the truth can help you all make a plan to move forwards. So, talk to those around you, your HR department at work (especially if you feel you need extra help), your boss, a friend, your GP or a therapist like me. There is always The Samaritans and you can phone 111 if you feel in need of emergency help.

If your depression has been brought on by a trauma in your life, I can work with you using a Rewind technique that will help unhook strong emotions from these memories. This can often really make a difference. I can also help you with strategic goals to move forwards out of depression. To book a chat please use my online calendar here.

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Coping With Cost of Living Anxiety

Paula Gardner — Sun, 07 Aug 2022 10:04:46 +0000

Bills are going up, inflation is on the rise and the Bank of England is predicting a recession. With headlines like these every day, it’s likely that all of us are going to feel anxious. While I can’t solve the economic issues ahead of us, what I can offer are some strategies to help you deal with feelings of anxiousness and worry. First, let’s take a look at why you might be feeling anxious.

How Anxiety Works

Anxiety is a normal response to stress. It’s a hangover from our ancient history when we might suddenly hear the sound of rustling in the bushes whilst out foraging, or hunting. Our innate instinct at that moment is to freeze for a microsecond, while our body uses all its senses to determine whether to run (flight) or look for the nearest weapon (fight) in case it is a leopard hiding there. In that moment, our heart starts to beat faster, and our blood rushes to our muscles, and our breathing may become fast and shallow. In short, we are getting ready for action.

A moment later a face peeks out from the bushes and we realise it’s our friend, playing a trick on us, and the shock is over. This is the body’s fight or flight response and it’s designed to help us stay alive.

We may not have to contend with leopards nowadays, but our bodies still get bombarded with a huge amounts of stressors that can trigger this response. These stressors include:

Conversations at work about the rising interest rates and their impact on mortgages
News headlines about inflation and energy bills
Social media posts about the price of Lurpack, and whatever is the shocker of the moment
Emails from providers saying they are putting prices up
Worried chats with loved ones asking how can we afford this?

I don’t know about you but I felt slightly stressed just reading that list. All these stressors, and more, that are happening every day, are putting our body into fight or flight mode over and over again. The issue is that we can neither fight nor take flight, which would at least help us burn off the chemicals. The result can be long-term or chronic anxiety.

Sleep

Worries may spill out into your sleep. Your REM sleep (the sleep that helps us dissipate emotional arousal over worry) will be tasked with trying to deal with it. If your levels are very high, or this goes on too long, you may find that you need more and more REM sleep, which leads to less refreshing deep sleep. The end result is that you will wake up feeling tired and unmotivated and just want to withdraw and worry even more. These are the prefect circumstances for depression. This is why it’s so important to address our anxiety.

What To Do About Cost of Living Anxiety

Cut down on the stressors

While you want to stay in touch with what’s going on, you don’t need to overstimulate yourself with bad news. Think about just checking in on the news once a day, leading the conversation to something more positive when it gets a bit much, or even telling people about how much it is making you worry. You can also curb your social media time, or make a rule that the first time you see an anxiety provoking money related post that becomes your trigger to close up the app and leave.

Dealing with the anxiety itself

Cutting down some stressors should help, but there may well be moments when you feel overwhelmed to the point of panicking. I teach a very effective way to help with this, called 7/11 breathing. Breathe in for a count of seven, into your tummy, slow and deep, and then out to a count of 11. If you can’t make 7/11, then 5/8 is fine. The main point is that the outbreath is longer than the inbreath. This will help reset your nervous system and push you into using your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps you relax. You can do this every time you feel wobbly, but it’s important that you use it many times during the day, to help you feel less stressed in general.

The best way to do this is to think of triggers to remind you to do a round of three or five 7/11 breaths. Clients of mine have used switching on the kettle, getting into the car or a bus, even going into the bathroom as their triggers, and it does work. Over time, you will taking the arousal out of your nervous system.

Switch off

It’s also important that you switch off from worrying. Distraction is a good way to do this. Think about what distracts you. Perhaps it’s runing, DIY, or painting? Active relaxation is always better for us than passively slumping in front of the TV. Walking with a friend is another good option, as it gives us that sense of connection, as does joining a yoga class or book group.

Working at bringing more of what relaxes you into your life, should leave you calmer and more able to deal with what comes up, including…

Face the fear

Many of us bumble along without actually knowing how much we have coming in, and what’s going out. It can be scary to actually work this out, but it’s vital to do for a number of reasons. First, we will be getting an idea of where we are now. Perhaps we don’t have to worry, just yet. Next, it’s a practical task that is moving us from our right hand side of the brain, where a lot of our worrying takes place, into the left hand side, a great problem solving machine.

First, note down everything that comes in, from your pay packet to any freelance earnings, investments or passive income returns. Calculate this on a monthly basis

Next, make a list of all your regular outgoings. Energy bills and food are obvious ones, but also think about insurances, gym subscriptions, Playstation subsriptions, Prime and Netflix, Pet plans, funeral plans, pocket money, and even contact lens subscriptions.

Spending money is less easy, and it may work out best to note what you spend over a typical week. Include lunches, newspapers, travel, ice-creams and coffees. In short, whatever comes out of your pocket over a week.

Finally add in the luxury items such as holidays, weekends away and also birthday and Christmas presents for the year. When you have come up with your total, divide it by twelve so that you have a monthly figure. Don’t forget tax and national insurance if you are self-employed or have side hustle.

These are your monthly outgoings. You should now have an idea of where you are.

Make a plan

Even if things are looking wobbly, many people are inspired into action by this. You can look at ways to bring in extra income – from taking in a lodger to just bringing in one more client. One of my clients takes in foreign language students to earn extra cash. She feeds them breakfast and dinner, gives them a packed lunch, and away they go. Don’t forget that you can earn a nice chunk of money tax free if you have a room to rent. Here’s a nice article for more ideas.

Money Saving Expert, is often a really useful site to follow. It can help you make informed decisions and keep you up to date without scaring the living daylights out of you.

You can also look at where to cut down. Perhaps you can forego the gym and start running, or make coffee shop visits a weekly rather than daily treat. It may be that you move to a different part of town, or, if you have savings that may well get eroded by inflation, use them to pay off your mortgage and bring down your monthly outgoings (check with an expert for advice on this.)

If things get too much, talk

Talk to someone. It could be a therapist (you can book a chat with me here) who can help you come up with a plan as well as work on your anxious feelings, your citizens advice office, or a trusted and calm friend who is good with money. If you are struggling, talk to your energy provider, or bank. See what they can do to help. Double check benefits you may be entitled to here.

Choose people who are supportive, or can offer practical help and ideas, rather than anyone who will, even unwittingly, make you feel worse.

If you’re in Folkestone, then this article on ways to access help in Folkestone, may give you some useful links.

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How to Build Resilience

Paula Gardner — Thu, 14 Jul 2022 17:49:01 +0000

How to Build Resilience Right Now

The subject of how to build resilience is one that comes up again and again. Call it what you will – mental toughness, resilience, that ability to bounce back, having a thick skin – one thing that is clear is that it can really help us navigate those difficult times in our lives.

Cultivating Mental Toughness

So, what helps people build up their mental toughness or resilience? What can you implement in your life right now that can help you cope with the dark days? Here are some thoughts on things that may work for you.

Calm Down

When we are stressed we are often highly emotional and not thinking straight. We may find ourselves making bad decisions, or saying things we regret. This is because our brain’s limbic system is being activated – the primeval part of our brain that thinks we are just about to wrestle with a panther. One thing that will help enormously is learning how to calm down and step away.

People will do this in different ways. Some will find yoga and meditation work really well and these are the classics. Others like long walks in the country. Reading works for me: a good novel that pulls me in and keeps me absorbed. Active relaxation is better for us than passive relaxation, so walking, running or doing something like cooking or painting is better than collapsing on the sofa with Netflix and a glass of Rioja.

One of the quickest ways to calm down (and it’s also very effective in helping you drop off to sleep if you do it in bed) is 7/11 breathing. This involves breathing in to your abdomen for a count of 7, and then out, slowly, for a count of 11. If you can’t quite match those numbers, 4 and 6, or 5 and 8 will do – as long as your outbreath is longer than the inbreath.

The Control Factor

Think about what’s coming at you right now. It’s likely to be a mixture of things that you can and can’t control. The trick is to separate them. Separate an A4 sheet of paper into three sections vertically. In column one, write all the things you think you can’t control – getting made redundant, what’s going on with Covid. When you move to the next section, list the things you can control – how often you exercise, the food that you eat, or the quality of work that you do. In the third section, look at what you can influence. You may not be able to control your teenage son and his behaviour, but you could perhaps influence by finding him a mentor, having discussions etc.

Self-care

Being gentle with yourself is something worth mentioning. So what if you want to indulge in chocolate a little more than usual (now and again), or decide to sleep in another hour (and can!). Keeping ourselves to some perfect or even punishing schedule may help foster the idea that we are being disciplined. That is not true mental toughness. Resilience is about being to bend, to be flexible. I have worked with wellbeing consultant Rachel McGuinness, delivering workshops on this subject, and we like to use the terms “flex” and “sway”. There has to be some give, so we don’t break!

I have written an article on 99 ideas for self-care here and, out of these, something should appeal!

Be authentic

Whilst we don’t want to wallow and ask people to join our pity party, it’s important to let others know if you are going through a tough time. Yes, they may give you a break, but being open about our struggles is vital and sets an example where others feel empowered to do so too. You don’t have to go into all the gory details, but sharing a little not only helps people understand if you are struggling, but helps foster stronger connections too.

Rediscover your strengths

Think back to a time when you delivered that great presentation, gave a great interview, asked out your partner, aced that exam or succeeded at something that matters to you. Don’t just pick one example, but make a list, a bit like a gratitude list, but focusing on your achievements. This is just for you. You don’t have to brag or show it to anyone else. Remember how good you felt, and what that allowed you to move on to. Conjure up your struggles too – how hard you worked, all those hours you put in, or how you got past your nerves. Dwell on this daily!

Cultivating resilience and the ability to bounce back is something I often work on with my clients as it’s vital for every single one of us. Although, of course, life can throw things at us in many different form. Book a chat with me if you’d like to discuss navigating your own challenges.

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