Hello, I’m Paula Gardner and I’m a couples and relationship therapist seeing clients in Kent and online. As well as a therapist, I’m a business psychologist and that mindset actually makes my approach to couples therapy quite different from many others.

I work with evidence-based tools that I know have successful track records in helping couples communicate better, stop worrying, soothe themselves and set up routines that help support the life together they want to have. We talk about getting your needs met right now, and look at what’s going to help your situation and improve things as soon as possible. Together, we set experiments, drawn from whatever we cover in our sessions, and these are really practical ways to help embed what you learn together.

Is couples therapy the right choice?

Coming to couples therapy can be a really positive step. You are learning new skills and ways of behaving that are going to improve things for the both you…your family too, if you have one. Businesses constantly invest in upskilling so why shouldn’t you?

This solution-focused, practical approach means that couples counselling with me is not prolonged. Clients often see results in a small number of sessions, and, because we focus on the here and now, rather than the distant past, it suits people who want to see changes without a short amount of time.

For Individuals

It’s not all couples that I see. Perhaps your partner doesn’t want to come? Even with one person attending we can create small shifts that have a domino effect. Maybe you’d like some space to figure out if a relationship is right for you? We can do that, and look at the realities of the paths for you whichever direction you choose. If you’re going through a difficult break-up, therapy can help you process, recalibrate and let go.

What about me?

The therapeutic relationship matters so it’s important that you choose someone you both like and respect. That’s something you can never properly capture on a web-page. You can book an online chat with me to see how the dynamic might work between us.  I am warm, supportive and friendly, yes, but I’m also very straight-forward, practical and strategic. This is more than a nice chat, but we may well laugh along the way.

Sessions for a couple are 75 minutes. See up to date fees here.

You can book a zoom online chat here.

The post Meet Paula, Couples Therapist in Kent appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Parents sometimes ask me how they can support their child through therapy. Indeed, some of my clients are parents whose children are getting therapy someplace else, perhaps through a school counselling service. They’ve often come to work on their own anxiety, some of which is around their children. This has prompted me to put together some general advice for parents whose children are having therapy. I tend to work with teenagers and young adults, so these thoughts are geared towards them. However, if your child is younger and having therapy, I hope that you will still find something here to help.

Supporting a teenager who is undergoing therapy can be crucial for their well-being. Here are some ways you can provide support:

Appreciating confidentiality

If I am working with your child, then our work together is confidential. These are general ethics in our profession. The only time I can break that confidentiality is if I suspect your child of hurting themselves, others, or about to commit a crime. This means that I don’t discuss therapy sessions with you, apart from things like payments and timings. However, if there is something I think you, as a parent, need to know, I strongly encourage your child to tell you. If this is difficult for them, there may well be some work around communication within a session. Alternatively, your child can request that you join us for the next session and we discuss it together.

Confidentiality is an important part of the therapy relationship. Your child needs to feel that they can bring anything to the table.

The other time I may discuss a child’s therapy is with my supervisor (again, this is common to all therapists) who is there to make sure I am practising soundly, safely and ethically.

Communicate

The best thing you can do is let your teenager or young person know that you are there if they want to discuss anything that may have come up in a session, but don’t push. You can ask now and again if they’d like to talk, but let them take the lead. If they don’t, respect their privacy and back off!

What do you need right now?

One thing I like to teach my clients is how to tune into their own needs. So, something you might do after a session is to ask them what they need right now? This could be space, a hug, a hot chocolate, for you to do something (like make an appointment with the school), or time to talk something through.

I would also encourage you and your child to leave some space, post-therapy session, for them to process what’s come up, rather than rishing back into the thick of things.

Take it slowly

Therapy can take some time, and it is a process of change. It’s important to be patient and supportive throughout their journey. With many teenagers and young people, it can take time for them to establish trust and feel safe with a counsellor. 

Learn about therapy

Different therapists have different approaches. Some encourage talking alone, others focus on early childhood and family relationships, and others are quite goal-focused, bringing in tools and exercises. It’s worth thinking about what type of counsellor would suit your child. I have many teenagers who are very interested in the psycho-education I use around how the brain works and how the chemicals it creates can influence our emotions. Likewise, when they understand how anxiety is a natural mechanism that keeps us safe, they can feel more in control. 

I use a mixture of all of the above processes, but at its heart I am solution-focused. This means that we work on making things feel better as soon as possible. I set homework, or experiments, in between sessions. These are small practical pieces of work to keep things moving forwards.

Learn about mental health

Read about what’s going on for them. If they are anxious, knowing about the mechanics of anxiety can help you understand their world, and what’s going on for them.

Attend Sessions (if asked)

I occasionally ask a parent into a session, or part of one, This is always in agreement or at the request of the child. It could be that we need the parent’s support for new behaviors the child wants to practise, or something has come up that they would like to talk about in my presence. It does not mean that anything is drastically wrong or that this is family therapy.

Encourage Consistency:

Even though these years are a time for finding selves and individuating from parents and carers, they still need all the help they can get with structure and a consistent routine. I have had parents swap shifts so they can get their children to sessions regularly and on time. Missing sessions sets us back and weakens the work. 

Cultivate a supportive home

It’s not wrong for some teenagers to crave attention (this isn’t a bad thing, we all need attention) and a sense of being looked after. This isn’t difficult to provide, but may involve looking at what added stressors can be removed from the home environment for the moment.

Help with the basics

It’s interesting how much a good night’s sleep, nutritious food, regular exercise and staying hydrated can improve mental health. This is something you can help promote, or even encourage. I’ve worked with teenaers who have asked their parents to sign them up for skateboarding or karate classes. This has helped promote physical health, a sense of achievement and improve social skills. Find out what your teenager enjoys and encourage it. 

Encourage a sense of control

Give your teenager a hand in deciding the therapist. Get them to decide on the dinner menu at home at least once a week. However, along with control comes responsibility, so encouraging this through jobs like taking the bins out and cooking once a week. Don’t under-estimate the importance of building self-esteem through achievement.

Watch, but don’t fuss

Do keep an eye out for any signs of crisis or deterioration in their mental health. If you notice concerning behaviour, reach out to their therapist, GP or mental health professional. Better still encourage them to do so and create a sense of autonomy and responsibility.

Nurture your relationship

As teenagers grow into young adults, your relationship can feel increasingly strained,or even non-existent at times. Don’t give up though! Spend quality time with your teenager. Even if this is playing X-box or silently watching a film together. Find out what they are interested in and at least learn a bit about it – you don’t have to go skateboarding with them but knowing the moves at least gives you some common language.

Building and maintaining a strong emotional connection can provide a buffer against life’s challenges. Likewise, tell them about the challenges in your own life, and how you overcame them, without preaching. Show them your own vulnerability. 

I work with teengers, young people and worried parents whose children are having therapy elsewhere. I see clients online and in Folkestone and Hythe in East Kent. Contact me or book a call for a 15 minute chat about how we could work together.

The post How To Support Your Child Through Therapy appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

Many of the teenagers, graduates, students and apprentices that I see struggle with confidence. Often this is seen as a difficulty finding their voice. This could be in the workplace, college, or even with their friends. A lack of experience, or confidence, can make us feel tongue-tied and so less likely to put our own thoughts and ideas forward.

There are few things more empowering than saying what you think. That is, what you truly think. I’m not talking about hurting people; you have to respect for people’s feelings. Still, imagine how simple life would be if you could tell your boss that her idea isn’t going to work in the way that she thinks. Or let your friend know that you would rather see her on her own and not with tagging along with her and her boyfriend.

Language and Confidence

When we look at confidence, language is one of the first things we address. It’s something I’ve had to think about for myself. At one point, my language on a confidence scale was pretty poor. I I hid what I meant in woolly phrases to avoid confrontation. Everything had to sound nice, jolly even. If I was annoyed or fed up with someone I was still concerned about coming over as the nice girl. This showed up in the language I used. This was true both in real day to day life,  in my emails and online communications.

So, how did that change?  I made it a mission to drop the “I was just wondering..if…when you had time..you could possibly pay me.” Instead, I deliberately used straightforward language. “I am just checking to see when you’re going to be transferring the money.” This is totally unambiguous. If they didn’t respond, my spidey sense was allowed to go into overdrive. There’s no mistaking the meaning here. No response means something’s up.

It’s easy to do a spotcheck on whether you do the same thing. Do you use add-ons like “I was just thinking?”, or “maybe, if this isn’t too left field.” These are all ways we make ourselves sound a little less confident.

Clear speaking and confidence for young people

Here are some ways you can work on becoming more clearer and saying what you think…

• Changing your language to communicate more clearly first means adding in breathing space. No rushing to reply to that text or email straight away. When you’re in conversation, practise slowing down and pausing. Give yourself time to think and time to phrase what you’re going to say next
• Listening is just as important. It allows you to really understand who you are talking to and adjust what you want to say accordingly
• Don’t be afraid to rephrase yourself.”I haven’t seen you around much..hmmm…actually I meant to say why does it feel like you’ve been dodging me all week?”
• Be brave and say, “I don’t understand that, would you mind explaining it again.” Do this, even if it’s in the middle of a conference call or conversation. No need to say I’m sorry, just ask for clarification. Often, someone else will be relieved that you’ve asked the question
• If you have to say something that you are nervous about, especially in a meeting, consider putting what you want to say in an email first. Do it clearly and succinctly and offer it up for discussion at the meeting
• There’s no need to drop the niceties in an email but get to the point quickly, before people get bored
• Practise saying “I think”, “I believe”, “I want”, “I’d advise”. You could choose a phrase of the week and see how it feels to use it
• If you’re having a difficult conversation, stay away from sharing your emotions as much as possible. Even, if you’re hurt try not to whine or sound upset as this is what people will hear, not the words.

Confidence is a journey

You also need to know what you are thinking. This means taking ten minutes to ponder what’s going on in the office on the journey home. Don’t be tempted to switch off straight away. Rather, take a little time to consider. It also means tuning into your gut instincts. This is how you recognise this new job isn’t right, or a certain friend always leaves you feeling drained.

Growing in confidence is a journey and not achieved in one swoop. The rewards are more clarity and respect from other people.

Not all therapy is about dealing with difficult life issues. We can also focus on building confidence and communication skills, and I have been helping young people and teenagers with these for many years. Book a chat to find out more, or email me here.

The post Confidence For Young People appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

I often get asked by parents who want to know why teenagers self-harm. I can give them a bit of a steer as to why, in general, teengagers self-harm, but every child is different. There are many reasons behind self-harming. It’s also important to remember that we all self-harm to some extent or other. Staying up late to binge watch that box-set when you’ve got an important meeting in the morning? That’s a form of self-harm. Failing to do any form of self-care? That’s a form of self-harm.  As is continuously being attracted to the wrong type of person, eating unhealthily, smoking, vaping…and the list goes on.

So, what do all these have in common? They all provide some type of relief in the short-term. That could be a sense of comfort, familiarity or even a feeling of switching off. These are, of course, on the milder end of the spectrum, but it’s useful to know that we all indulge in self-harming behaviours.  In the meantime, back to the teenagers and the reasons why they might be drawn to this behaviour.

It helps them cope with emotional pain

Teenagers may use self-harm as a way to cope with overwhelming emotions such as sadness, anger, anxiety, or frustration. It can serve as a temporary release from emotional pain. When we self-harm, it can lead to the release of endorphins, which are the body’s natural painkillers and mood elevators. This can create a temporary sense of relief and euphoria.

Seeking Attention or Help

In some cases, self-harm can be a way for teenagers to communicate their need for help or support when they find it challenging to express their struggles in other ways. It’s a shame that we so often dismiss this need for attention, as it’s an intrinsic human need. If someone needs attention, that surely is what we should be giving them, especially if they are self-harming to get it.

If communication skills are lacking, self-harm may serve as a visible expression of inner emotional turmoil. It can be a way for individuals to communicate their distress when words fail them.

Peer Pressure

Social pressure, bullying, or the desire to fit in can also be reasons your teenager might start to self-harm. If it is isolating being the only one who doesn’t do it, then why not try it, just this once?

Mental Health Issues

Issues such as depression, anxiety, or borderline personality disorder can contribute to self-harm. Addressing these underlying issues often results in this behaviour fading away. Engaging in self-harm can provide a distraction from overwhelming emotional pain. The focus on physical pain may divert attention from intense emotions, at least temporarily.

It gives a sense of control

For some, self-harm can provide a sense of control in situations where they may feel powerless or overwhelmed. The act of self-harm can be a way to regain a perceived sense of control over their own bodies and emotions.

Self-Punishment

In some cases, self-harm may be driven by feelings of guilt, shame, or self-loathing. The act of self-harm can serve as a form of self-punishment for perceived wrongs or failures.

It’s natural as a parent to be very worried if your child self-harms. If they have told you about it, that’s a good thing. It can serve as a starting point for conversations around the situations above, to help you and your teenager navigate this challenge. Working with a therapist can also be very useful, as they will create a safe, independent space where your child can feel heard and explore their feelings without worries around upsetting you.

I am happy to chat if you think or know that your child is self-harming. I can work with your teenager. If your teenager is getting support already, I also work with parents who perhaps need extra support through this difficult time. Please  contact me and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible, or you can book a Zoom session here. I see clients in person in Hythe and Folkestone, and also offer online and telephone sessions.

The post Why Do Teenagers Self-Harm? appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.