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Counselling practice in Folkestone

I offer both individual and couples counselling. Clients I work with come to me with issues that include depression, anxiety, grief, pain, overwhelm, trauma issues, anger and relationship problems. 

Relationship issues aren’t just couple counselling, but can include looking at the sometimes complex relationships between parents and children, friends and even managers and colleagues.

I also work with teenagers and offer counselling as a business service, to support staff and colleagues.

Walk and talk therapy

As Folkestone is so beautiful, it makes a lovely place to benefit from walk and talk therapy. Getting out into nature really helps the therapeutic experience, as well as getting all the benefits of exercise and sunlight at the same time. I can also offer the option of walk and talk therapy, do get in touch to find out if this would work for you, and to discuss availability.

Choosing a therapist in Folkestone

There are many therapists in Kent to choose from and it’s important that you choose the right one for you. Many therapists work with what’s gone on in your past, often reaching right back to childhood.  We do work with this if it’s relevant, and something you would like to address. However, my aim as a solution-focused therapist is to think about what we can add,  subtract or approach in a different way in your life to make things better for you right now.  There will be homework between sessions, (relevant to you and agreed by both of us), that is about doing just that.

This style of therapy works incredibly well, and often means that you don’t need prolonged therapy. The majority of my clients feel a significant difference in weeks.  Of course, everyone is different, and things like complex trauma or an ongoing situation can take longer to work with.

Talking to a possible therapist is an important part of making your choice of counsellor. You should choose someone whose approach suits your needs, and who you feel comfortable with.  My own background is as a past business owner with my own PR and marketing company for fifteen years. I then retrained as a business psychologist, executive coach and psychotherapist.

You can set up a call with me by dropping your telephone number to me via my contact form here.

Where to find the Good Therapy Practice in Folkestone

My Folkestone practice is situated at:

3rd Floor, 103 Sandgate Road, Folkestone,

Kent

CT20 2BQ

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Dealing with those unwanted thoughts of feeling like a failure

I often see business owners, and many non-business owners, muse about how they are feeling like a failure; that they haven’t done enough in life. Perhaps their business isn’t where they thought it should be. Perhaps they are single, once again, and wondering when they’ll ever get things together.  Clients question their paths, wonder what held them back from reaching their full potential and express disappointment in not being sorted enough. While many of us are happy enough to admit that we could be more organised, more productive, maybe even more driven, there are some who really struggle with guilt about their lack of progress so far.

If this resonates with you then I’d like to reassure you that these thoughts are normal. Most of us have thoughts that don’t serve us, and they can be a pain to deal with.

Let’s imagine, for a moment, a future where you may will never feel as though you have things sorted. Let’s imagine that you will always feel that there is more you need to achieve. Would it be a relief to realise that there is never a point when you say, that’s it? Can you see that not reaching some vague goal is not the problem here, but the guilt and stress that accompanies that pressure? Would you be able to breathe and stop pushing so hard? Would you pause and realise that achievement might not be the goal, and that dealing with these thoughts may be more valuable?

Dealing with these unwanted thoughts of feeling like a failure

If you’re bothered by thoughts of lack of achievement, there are a number of ways you can approach them. The first is the path of mindfulness. Just start to notice that these are just thoughts and you can step back from them and let them pass. I particularly like the analogy of watching a sushi conveyor belt and deciding to leave that particular dish on the belt. It may come around again (and it no doubt will), but you can just let it pass by. Other lovely visual examples include thinking of the thought as a balloon, and you can imagine yourself just letting it go. Or imagine it as a car coming towards you on a bridge. You can see the headlights, but you can steo back and let it pass. Watch it disappear into the distance. You can choose one of these visual tools every time these thought crop up. Play with them and noticed which works best for you.

A more left-brained approach is to build a portfolio evidence to the contrary. This means compiling a list of evidence as to why you are such a sorted and successful person, even if you haven’t achieved everything on your list yet. (If you are a parent with young children you automatically get double points here). Or, try gathering together a menu of your achievements in life, and everything you have to show for your efforts. Keep this handy to refer to when you need it.

It’s more likely that these thoughts will come faster and thicker when something is missing in your life. As a Human Givens therapist, I work with what we call the Human Needs, and there are nine of them. They include a sense of achievement, meaning and purpose, status, privacy, connection, community and a sense of control. If one of these is missing, or out of balance, we are more likely to feel wobbly and prone to unwanted thoughts like these.

Making a plan for success

What if there is a grain of truth in these thoughts? What if you really do have goals you haven’t yet reached? The simple answer is to make a plan to do just that, breaking it down, step by step. Then take the next step. Start setting bigger sales goals. Book that plane ticket to New Zealand. Buy a new notebook and start the novel. Download the dating app and get comfortable with it. Once you are taking action, those thoughts will start to dwindle.

If you’d like help with unwanted thoughts of any kind, or want to look at setting yourself achievable goals, you can book a chat with me here.

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The room, at the top of the building, is cosy and welcoming, and it does feel like we are nestled up with the seagulls. It is up some stairs, so if access is an issue, I do have an alternative room in Folkestone.

Therapy in Hythe

I am offering Monday therapy slots in Hythe, where you can book a session that focuses on getting you into (or back into) a place where you feel in control again. As a Human Givens counsellor, my work is not about digging up copious amounts of issues from the past, but concentrating on what’s going to make you feel better as soon as possible. Of course, sometimes there are traumas, or deep seated patterns that need unravelling, and we can do that together to enable you to move on.

It can be incredibly liberating to talk through things with someone who doesn’t know your life and has no preconceived ideas about you and what you should do. However, our time together is more than just talking. Face to face, I use a lovely technique called Guided Imagery which will help you relax and increases the likelihood of you doing the things you want to do, whether that’s taking steps to lose weight or speak to a difficult colleague or family member. I also share practical tools and techniques that can make a difference to your day to day life. Most important of all is that we set some homework together. These tasks are very doable, and have a therapeutic point. Sometimes they are about helping you reach your goal, and sometimes they may be about opening you up, and helping you see things differently. All of my clients find these very useful.

Online therapy

If face to face in Hythe isn’t appropriate for you, then I also see people online. It’s not as easy to build that relationship, that is true, but it can be incredibly convenient for anyone who is not local or who might find a face to face therapy session in Hythe too much to cram into their day.

Many of my clients are entrepreneurs or business owners, but not exclusively, and I do see teenagers too.

The best thing to do is to book a chat here, or email me with your telephone number, to sort out a time to chat and we can take it from there. We will look at your goal, and what type of appointment would work best for you.

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I’m guilty of not doing this myself. Recently I heard that I had achieved a qualification I had been studying for four years. I initially was all excited when I heard, but within hours had moved into planning the next step.  Then, I suddenly stopped and thought to myself, Paula, what are you doing??! You’ve been working towards this for four years and you are jumping straight into another set of tasks and to-dos. It’s time to just pause and acknowledge all that work.

So my first question for you is how often do you celebrate your own achievements, in life and in business?

Small Achievements Add Up

It’s also helpful to notice our small achievements along with the bigger, more obvious ones. It’s easy to spot our achievements when they are big things in life, like passing exams or getting a new client. However, it’s all too easy to forget about taking note of our smaller achievements, like having that difficult conversation with an awkward customer, posting consistently on social media and not getting distracted by it, or just getting out for a walk in our lunch break.

If noticing our big wins can help us really feel that sense of achievement, think about what focusing on those small wins every day could do. A to-do list is a good place to start, really relishing those moments when you take that pen and run through an item, or just delete it into netherspace. Additionally, you can start noting down your small wins as you do them, especially if they are not the things you’d put on your list. Even managing to stop and daydream for five minutes can be seen as an achievement.

Pretty quickly, you’ll start to realise how much you really do accomplish, and how all those achievements really do add up.

Noticing Others

I’ve been talking about how noticing our own achievements can boost our mental health but this is also something we can do for others. If you’re a parent, this can be transformative. Of course, anyone who is managing staff knows that this is good leadership.

A recent Gallup survey has linked feeling recognised in the workplace with feeling more connected, more productive and more engaged, all good reasons to be doing this. It also found that those people who felt recognised for their work were more likely to see a future within that organisation for themselves. Of course, we know this already. It’s just common sense, but these findings hammer home the need to do it.

So, my challenge to you is to do this for someone today. I promise you will both feel good about it.

Finally…

There is a trap with being too achievement orientated, and that is that we can become obsessed with ticking things off our to-do list to the detriment of other things. In a recent interview for my mental health for entrepreneurs series, James Eves, co-founder of Work Pirates, mentioned that resting is an achievement, and that’s something that really resonated with me.

I know it also applies to many of my clients. In the past, many of my psychotherapy clients have talked about seeing something like their yoga class as something they have to do, or setting aside the time to relax and finding that they just can’t get into that space. Pondering this, I’ve noticed the top three things that really help me to relax in the midst of a typical day. They are:

1. Slow breathing. Breathing into my tummy for a count of 7, and then out for 11, which really helps me step into that space.
2. Inviting one of my cats onto my lap and listening to them purr.
3. Taking a cuppa into the garden and watching the birds.

My final question is what could this be for you? What simple actions can you do, every day, that can help you slow down and rest – achieve in a different way?

If you feel like you’re on a hamster wheel you can’t get off, do contact me to arrange a call to see if it would help to do some work together.

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Paula Gardner is a business psychologist, coach and founder of The Good Therapy Practice, seeing clients online and in Folkestone and Canterbury, Kent.

What’s a typical work day look like for you?

I’m usually up by eight, and working by ten. I like a bit of a slow start to my day! I tend to see my business consultancy clients in the mornings, and therapy clients in the afternoons, although this can vary. I work in Canterbury one day a week, seeing therapy clients at the Umbrella Centre. The rest of the time I am seeing clients via Zoom or in person in Folkestone. If I’m not seeing clients then I’m likely to be doing things like writing blogs and articles, or catching up on work reading. At the end of each day I write up my client case notes, review my to-list for the next day and reread case notes for any clients I will be seeing the next day. I only do therapy one evening a week, and work every other Saturday morning, so most evenings and weekends are my own.

Why is mental health so important for business owners?

It’s important for everyone, but business owners face extra pressures. These apply whether they are a freelancer working with a handful of clients, or a growing business owner who is making decisions that impact their employees’ ability to pay their bills and mortgages. Business owners carry a lot of responsibility on their shoulders, making decisions that impact the future of their business every day. Entrepreneurs, and freelancers in particular, are susceptible to feelings of isolation, as they are often working solo. Finally, if you’re ill or grieving, you generally have to just get on with it. It’s a big decision to take a day off, unless you’ve been very wise and set your work up to allow you to do so.

What have been your biggest mental health challenges?

I have been knocked sideways by grief more times that I care to remember, the most recent being when my father died at the beginning of the first lockdown. Incidentally, work kept me going at that time. The structure and companionship (even on Zoom) gave me connection, community, meaning and purpose, vital needs as identified by the Human Givens.

What three things have you done, or are doing that help boost your mental health?

I moved to Folkestone, and just being able to take walks along the coastline has been hugely beneficial. Even on a wet and windy day they are invigorating. During lockdown in London, I only had access to a school playing field for exercise, and I remember walking round and round that field as though I was a prisoner!

I also try and take at least an hour out a week, just sitting in a coffee shop with a notepad. I’ll use that time to journal and check in with myself. Am I doing too much? Am I doing what I want? Who would I like to spend time with right now? Am I getting enough exercise and doing enough fun things? Often, if I’m not careful, they can turn into to-do list sessions, so I have to force myself to pull back and be more reflective. This weekly check in really helps me consider if what I am spending my time on is serving me well.

Finally, I don’t own a car. This means that not only am I not worrying about paying for it, but I am forced to walk. I’ve always worked a lot; even my schools tended to be at least a half hour walk away when I was a child. Walking always lifts my mood and, like that coffee shop and notebook time, helps me feel grounded. If I travel, I travel by train. This means that I can settle down with a good book, or Audible book on my headphones, and relax.

Are there any books you have found helpful?

Reading self-help and psychology books is work for me, so I find it most helpful to lose myself in fiction. I’ve always been a Thomas Hardy fan, ever since I did The Return of The Native at school. Picking up one of his books is like putting on a pair of soft, comfortable slippers. I also love the thrill of discovering new authors and realising they’ve written a whole library of books I have ahead of me!

Interestingly, I often find that clients tell me they can’t read when they are going through something. It’s as if their brain hasn’t got the capacity to concentrate. I know that things are improving for them when they can finally pick up a book again. That’s why I really encourage my clients to read, whether it’s magazines or page turning pot-boilers. Books, physical books are better too as we spend so much time on gadgets.

Are there any ways you sabotage yourself and what do you do about it?

I pack out my diary far too much. I like doing things, seeing people and feeling busy. However, this doesn’t leave much time for rest and sometimes it can catch up with me. I now book in rest times, just like meetings and appointments. I am a member of a local health club with a pool, and spend one afternoon a week there. I also book myself in for art classes on a regular basis. That enforced creativity and chat with others again helps me turn off. Finally, as well as my online calendar, I still use a physical diary. This lets me see, at a glance, how busy a week is looking. Too much writing on the pages and I know I shouldn’t be taking on any more.

It’s been a hard lession, but i’ve learned the value of having my own space.

What have you found is bad for your mental health?

Too much sugar doesn’t make me feel great about myself, although I do find it hard to turn down a cake when I have a coffee. Staying in and doing nothing, watching too much TV (usually box-sets), in fact anything that makes me feel like I am stagnating. I do suffer from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) which means that I can get quite tired and a little down in the winter months, but a lightbox really helps with that. I also haven’t really felt the full brunt of it since moving to the seaside at Folkestone and getting out and about much more. So who knows, perhaps it’s a thing of the past.

Do you have any mental health advice for other entreprenuers, business owners and freelancers out there?

Start noticing what makes you tick and what makes you feel bad. It sounds simplistic but so many of us don’t even think about what we enjoy doing on a daily basis. It’s not the big things, the cars and the holidays, that help determine our happiness. It’s things like allowing ourselves to savour a really good mug of Earl Grey and watch the birds in the garden before we get going on our day. How many moments like this are you allowing yourself to have?

Choosing a psychotherapist who understands business can be really useful. If you’d like to book a therapy session with Paula you can contact her here, or book an appointment here.

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Author and therapist Mark Tyrell takes this further by looking at what happens if you get too much of one need. Or, how your natural need can leave you vulnerable to manipulation, cause rifts in relationships, or leave a trail of havoc in your own life. He relates tales of men so desperate for love they still carried on relationships even after they knew their girlfriends were stealing from them, or people so used to chasing status and being the best at what they do, that they fall into a deep depression when it inevitably gets proved that they are not “the best.”

My own favourite aha moment was reading about people who keep asking for advice and yet never take it (I mean friends here, not clients). This can be hugely frustrating, especially when, often as a third party, you can easily see what would help their situation. This, Tyrrell asserts, is actually a need for attention, not advice. All of a sudden, this behaviour now makes more sense.

This is an easy read. You could finish it in a couple of sittings, if you wished. I preferred to read a chapter at a time, digesting the behaviour analysis and stories from the author’s own experiences.

This book will be useful for therapists who are curious about the importance of our needs in driving our behaviour, as well as any person who wonders why they keep repeating the same harmful pattern over and over again.

Buy here: Dark Side of The Human Needs

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If you haven’t had any therapy or counselling before, you may be a little daunted as to what happens in a therapy session? The truth is, it will be slightly different for different types of therapies. Not only that, but every single therapist has his or her unique way of running their psychotherapy or counselling session. What I can give you, however, is a guide to how a Human Givens psychotherapist might structure a therapy session, and in turn, how therapy sessions with me often run.

Initial chat with a therapist

First off is the initial chat. Many psychotherapists prefer to talk to you first before scheduling in a full session. They might do this by phone or an online meeting (you can schedule an online chat with me here). This is to see if you are a good fit for each other. Many counsellors have their expert areas, such as working with teenagers, or prefer to work in a certain type of way, such as online only, or once a week. This chat can help you both work out if these things tally up with what you want. It also gives you chance to see how you feel about your possible psychotherapist. Can you see yourself working with them over the next few weeks?

Sometimes, the result of this chat is that you book in a session straight away, whilst you are on your call. Occasionally, you may need time to think or check your diary.  If you don’t think they’re right for you, then it’s perfectly fine to continue looking. This is an important relationship. If you are asking for something the therapist doesn’t do, such as couples counselling, many counsellors have a rich network of other therapists and can often recommend someone, or refer you to a colleague. Please do ask for recommendations if you find that they don’t work in your particular area.

First therapy session

Your first session is often what we call an intake session. Some therapists may send you forms to fill in beforehand, which will ask for personal details such as your Dr, contact details etc. Others will go through these in your session. Certainly, in a Human Givens session, you will be taken through an assessment. Your therapist should also take you through confidentiality and their own terms of business, unless you have already had this in writing.

The therapist will ask you a number of questions which you may scale from 1-5, or 1-10, depending on the assessment. While these can seem a little tedious, especially when you have something to report, they are really valuable. You may do this every session. I have clients who have come in scoring 1s and 2s on their initial session. Later, when I can share that they are now self-scoring scoring 4,5 and even 6s, it is a tangible recognition of how far they have come. It also allows us to pin-point areas where we need to look, such as feeling valued, or having enough time to themselves.

For me, these measurements are an important part of our sessions together and often prompt some really good work.

The therapy itself

Then, you’ll get into the crux of why you are there. For the first session the therapist will want to know what has brought you to them right here, right now, along with other things that might be going on in your life. A Human Givens counsellor will want to unpack your symptoms. Simply telling them you feel depressed isn’t enough. After all, what feeling depressed means for you might mean sadness and tears, while the next client may equate it with feeling numb and having no energy. Knowing your symptoms, both physical and emotional, is key for Human Givens work.

Paula Gardner talking about what happens in a therapy session

We discuss goals. What is it you want to get out of therapy? This is where psychotherapy often divides. Some, the pure talking therapies, are more focused on giving you space to talk, and perhaps spotting patterns from the past. Human Givens sessions are very practical however, and we want you to feel better as soon as possible. While we may bring the past into our sessions, our focus, our work, is on what you can do to move forward. To this end, we often set tasks to help you move towards your goals. You can think of these as homework, if you like. In truth, they are often tools and tactics to help you manage things better, or practise new ways of coping.

However, you are more than your problems. A skilled therapist looks at the resources you have in your life, and helps you gather them together. These could be the people around you, past occassions where you have used a certain skill, your experience, and even personality traits. Understanding your available resources is a key part of helping yourself move forwards, and then talking through how to apply them to your goals.

Guided Imagery

Human Givens psychotherapists often use a tool called Guided Imagery. This is a deep relaxation where you will be guided to a state of calmness – really helpful in itself. In this state you can access your REM state, the state where your brain can create new pathways that help form new patterns for the future. Your therapist may use this imagery to share relaxation tools that you can go away and practise, talk through some of the tasks you agreed on, and help you imagine carrying them out (this means that you are more likely to succeed). It’s a process that athletes often use to hone their skills.

Human Givens therapists also use this state to do work around helping people with addictions, or doing what we call a Rewind technique, for trauma.

Ending the session

Finally, you will end your session setting your next date. Your therapist won’t want to you unpack what’s happened during guided imagery, but it is really helpful if you can build in some extra time for a relaxing walk, or even sit in the car with some gentle music on, if you want to get the most out of the relaxed feeling it brings on, and think through the session.

As I said, each therapist is different. Some will do guided imagery online, some won’t. Some will take notes, some won’t. Some counsellors work from home, some from consulting rooms or a centre somewhere. All these little things are often as important as the therapy. If you’ve a long drive to get to your therapist, or they can only see you on a Tuesday morning, sometimes that can make attending sessions feel less appealing.

Practical issues for counselling

Fees, and the methods of payment, also vary between counsellors, so it’s worth being ultra clear on these. What are the cancellation terms,  and process? Human Givens therapists won’t offer a package of sessions (such as buy six upfront) as we believe that is unethical. We also vary as to whether we charge for no shows. If we’ve hired out a room to see a client, or refused that slot to another client,  it can get expensive if you don’t show up, so this isn’t about being greedy.

The best way to get a feel for working with someone is just to make that initial contact and see how you feel. However, you will get the most out of your therapy by commiting to turning up to sessions, at least trying to tackle your homework, and giving your therapist honest feedback and information. If you feel your goal is no longer relevent, or something more important has come up, tell them! Therapy is a relationship, a collaboration, and you both have your own important parts to play.

You can read more about working with me in the FAQ.

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“Instantly there issued, like a guardian angel barring the way with a flutter of black gown instead of white wings, a deprecating, silvery, kindly gentleman, who regretted in a low voice as he waved me back that ladies are only admitted to the library if accompanied by a Fellow of the College or furnished with a letter of introduction.”

This is Virginia Woolf writing about her time at Oxford in the extended essay A Room of One’s Own. It’s now dated in many ways, being set in the era around WWI (although she does have a serious obsession with describing food that outdoes any of the foodies on Instagram today). However, the overwhelming premise is still there…we need both the space and the money to create, whether that be books or our own rich and full life.

Virginia Woolf’s essay was a ground-breaking publication questioning why the life of a Napoleonic general was more important than that of a shop girl, why football is taken more seriously than shopping, and why women fail to reach the ranks of great novelists (her thoughts were that they lack the life experience as they are too often caring for children.) She also made that famous edict that women need a room of their own and their own income of 500 pounds a year.

Virginia Woolf was definitely on the right track. We all need space of our own to breathe, reflect and just be ourselves.  The Human Givens approach focuses on our needs, and privacy is up there along with intimacy, security and meaning. Without privacy, our mental wellbeing is under threat.

Types of Space

Some of us are lucky enough to have rooms of our own, even if they are time in the shed or a corner where we park our laptop. However, even if we live with others, in cramped conditions, fighting for that space – even if it’s in the form of a daily walk on your own – is vital to our wellbeing.

When I grew up there used to be a running joke amongst the mothers about the husbands retreating to their garages or sheds for some alone time, mirrored by many sit-coms on TV. It doesn’t matter whether you are male or female, space of your own is a human need.

This space comes in many forms. For one of my clients it is time at a life drawing class, for another it is skateboarding. Many people I know relish walking the dog on their own, whilst others often build solo visits to coffee shops into their day – time and space to themelves, but still with the buzz of people around them.

The Need for Stuff

However, it’s not just space. Evolutionary psychology often looks back to our hunter gatherer ancestors and talks about our need to collect “stuff”. Yes, this can mean IPads and phone chargers, but in the context of self-care it can also mean that shawl you bought in Havana, those photos of your grandparents, the wooden parrot earrings you wore on your first date with your husband. You wouldn’t be seen dead wearing them now, but you don’t want to throw them away. Stuff that means something.

Of course, if you’re naturally a minimalist, this won’t mean anything to you. If you’d rather chuck than collect, do spare a thought and some understanding for those that like to have their possessions around them. It’s a human need, a yearning. These things are part of the story of who we are and we need space for them. This doesn’t have to mean that they are all on display, just accessible.

Taken further, this personal space is also where we can more easily slip into the silence, whether that’s to think, meditate, plan or create. Claiming some space is a form of self-care and I challenge you to do it. Even though I have my own bedroom, I would say my space is the bathroom.

My default way to refresh when under stress is to retreat to my bath. Here I read, I light candles, listen to Audible books, or relax to guided meditations. Soothed by the water and some exotic smelling bubble bath or essential oil, I drink tea, sip wine and day dream. I plan, I work through issues. It’s my own space and I relish being in it.

Things to Ponder

My question for you is where do you get that space in your daily and weekly routine? Can you get more of it, and what do you do with it? Are there ways you can make it more meaningful or restorative? If you’ve won the battle to get your teenager to cook diner a couple of times a week, do you waste that time on your phone, checking in on Facebook, or do you meaningfully take that half an hour to do a Pilates YouTube video, or just sit and relax with a cuppa or glass of wine?

Seeing a counsellor like myself is, of course, another way to craete space for yourself. Please do set up a chat if you would like to see if we would be a good fit for working together.

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