It can be more than a little daunting, finding a couples counsellor. First, there is making the decision to look for relationship therapy in the first place, then you have to find the right therapist for you. So, here are some step by step suggestions to help you find the right couples counsellor.

First, decide on face to face or online

If you are in different locations, online makes sense. It is often the obvious choice for couples who are temporarily estranged, or who have practical issues like childcare or odd working hours. A therapist can often offer more flexibility online. However, the big advantage people often don’t talk about is that you can use that time you would have normally used for getting to and from your session to prepare, process and digest.

Face and face is obviously much more personal, and you may find it easier to relax into a relationship with your therapist. They are also more likely to pick up on body language if you are all together. That can help bring issues into the room that perhaps you didn’t even know you wanted to bring up. It can also help to have these types of conversations away from the home, and keep them contained.

I work both online and face to face, from my room in Folkestone, Kent.

Second, think about what type of therapy you want

Now there are hundreds of different types of approaches to therapy. Do you want to spend a lot of time looking at the past, including childhood influences and family dynamics and how they have influenced you and your relationship for instance? Perhaps you would prefer something that is mainly focused on the emotions under the surface? Or would you prefer an approach that is focused on learning skills and tweaking behaviours to create a new way of being with each other?

Most therapies will have parts of all of these, but one approach will be their main focus. I, for instance, am Gottman informed, and take the latter approach, looking at things we can do to change things right now, testing out new ways of being with each other. We look at what’s gone on to create this situation, of course, and there may be some trauma work to do there. We also work with the emotions and building strong, healthy bonds, but my main focus is on helping you make changes.

Thirdly, meet some therapists

Most couples counsellors offer a free chat or zoom session and this is where you can get to know them. One of the big factors in successful therapy is the relationship between clients and therapist. You need someone you feel you can trust, are both happy to work with, and understands your particular situation. Sometimes there may be other issues going on, like polyamory, bereavement or eating issues, so ask if they work with this area.

Make your decision

Of course price and the therapist’s own availablity come into play here, but you should find yourself drawn to one or two in particular. Book a session! If you don’t think you’re a good fit, then there’s no need to go back. Some therapists work on a set minimum session model, say six or ten, so take that into consideration. I don’t do this as I like my clients to have autonomy.

If you’d like to book a free consultation with me, you can do so here. 

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Does it feel like menopause or perimenopause has crept into your life and turned even your closest relationship upside down? You’re not imagining it, and you certainly don’t have to face it alone, whether it’s you that is going through this transition, or your partner.

Hormones and intimacy

Menopause is more than hot flushes and sleepless nights. Beyond the physical changes, it brings emotional turbulence and these shifts can have an uncomfortable way of threading into your relationship. Suddenly, familiar routines feel awkward. There are emotional closeness frays and communication hits unexpected snags.

This is unknown territory for both of you, and of course it will be. Perimenopause and menopause bring with them big questions around identity as much as physical and emotional symptoms: a real existential moment.

These shifts can feel subtle at first, but then overwhelming before you know it. You might find yourselves drifting into misunderstanding, irritation, or even isolation. This is not because love has faded, but because navigating these changes without support is deeply challenging.

What isn’t happening

It’s not that your love or commitment is failing.  Likewise, it’s not happening because you’re not trying hard enough. Finally, it isn’t about “rescuing” each other. It’s about rediscovering connection during a time of profound change.

How couples therapy helps during menopause and perimenopause

We might look at:

• Practical tools to ease tension—like grounding techniques during hot flushes or emotional regulation skills when an argument feels triggered by inner overwhelm.
• A compassionate space to explore what’s going on to gently notice the interplay between hormonal shifts, identity, intimacy, and boundaries.
• Strategic, tailor-made steps to help you feel better sooner—not distant or defensive, but held and understood.
• Emerging new identities, both for the person going through menopause or perimenopause, but also what this means for your identity as a couple.

Since we work using the Human Givens model, you may find this clarity and reconnection starts sooner than you’d expect, with fewer sessions needed.

You don’t have to navigate this alone

You can come together, or one of you can take the first step. In-person sessions are available in Hythe and Folkestone, or you can meet online in the comfort of your home.

If this feels familiar, I invite you to reach out for a free 15-minute introductory chat. Message me here to book one in.

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Hello, I’m Paula Gardner and I’m a couples and relationship therapist seeing clients in Kent and online. As well as a therapist, I’m a business psychologist and that mindset actually makes my approach to couples therapy quite different from many others.

I work with evidence-based tools that I know have successful track records in helping couples communicate better, stop worrying, soothe themselves and set up routines that help support the life together they want to have. We talk about getting your needs met right now, and look at what’s going to help your situation and improve things as soon as possible. Together, we set experiments, drawn from whatever we cover in our sessions, and these are really practical ways to help embed what you learn together.

Is couples therapy the right choice?

Coming to couples therapy can be a really positive step. You are learning new skills and ways of behaving that are going to improve things for the both you…your family too, if you have one. Businesses constantly invest in upskilling so why shouldn’t you?

This solution-focused, practical approach means that couples counselling with me is not prolonged. Clients often see results in a small number of sessions, and, because we focus on the here and now, rather than the distant past, it suits people who want to see changes without a short amount of time.

For Individuals

It’s not all couples that I see. Perhaps your partner doesn’t want to come? Even with one person attending we can create small shifts that have a domino effect. Maybe you’d like some space to figure out if a relationship is right for you? We can do that, and look at the realities of the paths for you whichever direction you choose. If you’re going through a difficult break-up, therapy can help you process, recalibrate and let go.

What about me?

The therapeutic relationship matters so it’s important that you choose someone you both like and respect. That’s something you can never properly capture on a web-page. You can book an online chat with me to see how the dynamic might work between us.  I am warm, supportive and friendly, yes, but I’m also very straight-forward, practical and strategic. This is more than a nice chat, but we may well laugh along the way.

Sessions for a couple are 75 minutes. See up to date fees here.

You can book a zoom online chat here.

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I often get asked this by people keen to improve their relationship, but for one reason or another, want or need to come on their own. Of course, the ideal is that you are both there, ready and willing to work on whatever might be the issue. But life isn’t always ideal. Sometimes, one partner refuses to go, or just does not have the time or even capacity. Sometimes a client might want to think through where they are and what’s going on before raising issues with a partner. Or perhaps they know there’s something going for them that’s impacting their relationship and they would rather work on it alone. Occasionally, they know that they need to have a difficult conversation with a partner, but would like some support to do that.

Couples therapy on my own

I tend to call couples therapy on your own as relationship therapy. Things I often work on with my clients are communication skills, creating a space to think about your attachments styles and how they might be impacting you. We can also look at whether a relationship is right for you: is it worth saving or would you be better off leaving? If leaving is your decision, then we can address the practical ways to do this in the best way for everyone involved.

Dealing with conflict is also something that often comes up. Some people are very conflict averse. While no one advocates conflict as being a great thing, some conflict is normal and to be expected. Avoiding conflict can mean that you adopt a passive position, perhaps even people pleasing, and it’s hard to get out of this habit.

How couple therapy on your own works

Relationship dynamics are interesting things. As soon as you change one thing, it has a ripple effect on others. This is how one person working alone can still change the dynamic of a relationship.

Please do contact me here if you’d like to explore relationship therapy.

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I’ve had many a client (and I’ve been there myself) who has said to me that they know they could get what they wanted if they put their mind to it. The problem was they didn’t know what that was.  I believe this is a side effect of modern life. We have so many options, so many choices. Additionally, when we consider them, many of them may seem right, appealing and perfectly acceptable. But acceptable and right isn’t enough.

Work out what you want

I recently sat down with a friend who wanted to downsize. Her plan was to move out of the city to a little place in the country where she could get a dog. She had started to set up her work to be more online and was looking at her finances in detail. She was also hoping to set herself up with a decent pension pot by this move.

She was determined that this was what she wanted for herself. She had thought it through very logically and sensibly. However, after a while talking about about the idea, she stopped. Embarrassed, she admitted she wasn’t feeling excited at all. I asked her if she wanted to explore this. Perhaps she was scared? After all, it would be a big change of lifestyle. She would be leaving friends behind, the glamour of her city meetings and her network. No, she said, being able to own my own house outright and have a dog is more important. Then she stopped and, tears welling up in her eyes, said “it just feels so small. Have I worked all my life for this, my own house and my dog? I know I want them, but once upon a time I wanted so much more.”

“I wanted to be a writer.” The sentence hung in the air. I could hear the both of us breathing. She was thinking. I was trying desperately not to jump in and say the obvious.

“But there’s no reason I can’t be is there…?” she asked.

From that moment, her map changed, it was a different map, more exciting, involving joining a writing meetup, reconnecting with old contacts in the literary arena and setting herself a writing plan. A book idea she had kept hidden for years bubbled to the surface and suddenly her move to the country to set herself for old age had become a move to the country to hopefully create a new career as a writer. Now she smiled.

Online therapy to work out what you want

Your destination should be exciting. It should feel like an adventure. If you’re coming to therapy to get away from something, to deal with uncomfortable feelings, then this is ok. However, know that therapy also has the power to improve your life, not just bring it back to normal.

The Playful Bit

If you’ve seen the film Sliding Doors you’ll remember that Gwyneth Paltro has a moment where she misses the train…and an alternative reality where she doesn’t. From that point onwards her life diverges in two very different ways. Imagine this is your sliding door moment. What could your different paths be?

You can contact me here, or book your first online therapy session with me here.

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With or without an official ADHD diagnosis, therapy or coaching for ADHD can help you with the symptoms. Whilst I cannot provide an ADHD assessment or diagnosis, what I do is work with people who feel as though they may have it. Our work together can help you with areas in which you may be struggling, such as time keeping, focus, impulsivity, self-belief or feelings of restlessness.

Even if you don’t have ADHD, but feel like some of the symptoms fit, therapy may be helpful. I often work with menopausal and perimenopausal women who confess that they feel as though they are experiencing ADHD traits, even though these have not affected them before.

First, here are some things you may be experiencing if you think you may have ADHD. Having some of them does not necessarily mean that you have ADHD. Likewise, if you have ADHD, you may not experience all of these.

• Impulsive behaviour, making decisions on the spur of the moment
• Feelings of restlessness. These can be both in the moment and in your life in general.
• Issues with focus and concentration. Finding it hard to start or finish tasks.
• Feeling as though you can’t stop your mind whirling.
• Problems with organising yourself.
• You find it hard to be on time, even when you think you’ve given yourself plenty of time.
• Forgetting things if you don’t write them down, and then possibly even forgetting to check what you’ve written
• An ability to hyperfocus on certain things, so much so that you tune out other people and lose track of time.
• You are always moving, such as jogging your foot without realising it. Things like fidget toys or tactile fabrics you can str0ke help you focus.
• Excessive worrying and rumination.

Therapy for ADHD

The most important step is finding out about you, your own life and goals right now. This means that we can zoom in on the ADHD symptoms that are causing the biggest issues for you. Sometimes, I work with clients who have struggled with time keeping in their work, and their line manager has pulled them up on this. Others, particularly students, might be experiencing a hard time getting started on something they know has to be done. It feels overwhelming and they just can’t bring themselves to knuckle down to it. Or, it might be that your symptoms are causing issues in your relationship. Your partner may be complaining that you don’t listen to them, or that your impulsivity has got you into debt.

We’ll work on embedding new behaviours, taking it at your own pace. If relationships have been damaged, we can address rebuilding them. For those who feel as though their minds are always churning, we can look at ways to soothe and calm that.

If we have a lower ability in one area, we can sometimes make up for it with our strengths. We’ll be looking at these too, and building strategies around using them more effectively.

It’s important to remember that you are more than your ADHD, so we will be looking at your life as a whole. How are you getting all your needs met right now?

Medication for ADHD

I can’t prescribe medication for ADHD. Only your GP can do that once you have your official diagnosis. Therapy and medication work very well together. Even with a diagnosis, many people choose not to take medication as there are side effects. Additionally, there are often ADHD medication shortages. If you’re struggling in your life, therapy offers a way of looking at how you can tackle things in a different way.

Business owners and ADHD

Whilst creativity and implusivity can be useful for business owners, being a business owner with ADHD has many challenges. For a start, business owners are unlikley to have that workplace support from HR or an executive coach. Once the company has reached a certain size, those issues that could be ignored, suddenly start impacting on the business. You may find challenges with concentration hold you back from pitching, going for funding or even just doing boring admin tasks. Likewise, that restlessless can make it hard to make decisions as you can see the opportunities almost everywhere you look.

Once again, we can look at these in therapy, and together build a strategy that will benefit you and your business.

To chat about therapy for ADHD, book a chat or contact me. Otherwise, you can go ahead and book an online session into my diary here.

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Have you considered walk and talk therapy? Picture this: a sunny day, a gentle breeze, and you, strolling through a park or along a beach with your therapist by your side. Walk and Talk Therapy not only gets you out and about and enjoying all the benefits of physical exercise, but the movement can actually make therapy even more powerful. Here’s how:

What is Walk and Talk Therapy?

Walking therapy, sometimes called ecotherapy,  is like taking your therapy session for a spin outdoors. Sitting in a clinic together can create an environment for valuable work. However, there are also times when it’s useful to add in some movement through walking outdoors. That bilateral movement that happens during walking also helps our brains process and walking therapy can harness this.

I have curated walks around Folkestone and Hythe where we have the space to deep dive while walking, all the while enjoying the benefits of exercise and fresh air. It’s therapy, but with a side of Vitamin D!

What are the benefits of walk and talk therapy?

• Walking and talking therapy swaps the clinical setting for the great outdoors. It’s like therapy, but you get to ditch sitting still. How about sharing your thoughts while enjoying the breeze under the open sky? We have all of nature at our fingertips to help with great metaphors, and it has been proven to boost cognitive function.
• Fitness for the mind and body. My clients who struggle to find time to exercise can multi-task by using their therapy sessions. These walking appointments also work well for those who are struggling with weight or chronic illness and know that walking is vital for their health.
• Nature itself soothes us. Trees, flowers, and the occasional seagull– nature is therapeutic in itself. Walk and Talk therapy lets you soak up the calming vibes of the great outdoors. Sometimes, all you need is a change of scenery to lift your spirits, and there are many studies which pin-point time spent outdoors as being helpful with depression.
•  Walking side by side with your therapist somehow makes it all a bit more laid back. The casual setting might be helpful  for opening up and sharing your thoughts more freely. Also, walking side by side is far less intimidating than looking at someone across the room. It feels more equal, and is especially helpful when working with teenagers who are wary of counselling.
• Add in endorphins from the exercise to boost your mental health. Along with this comes a sense of achievement at getting your daily steps in.
• We walk to suit you and your pace. Even if you can only walk at a gentle stroll, we can do that, and I’ve chosen places where we can stop and catch breath or just take a pause if needed.
• Variety. Many of my clients have one week in the clinic, one week outside. They like the variety (I do too) and it helps promote a feeling of flow and movement to their therapy.

The weather

Of course, we are in the UK and beholden to the weather! I check the forecast the day before and we can reassess if we need to. Sometimes, walking in the rain can be refreshing and restorative, and I am happy to meet up if clients are up for it. However, we always have online and telephone options to fall back on.

Book a walking therapy session in Hythe or Folkestone

Drop me a line here or book in a chat to discuss working together.  I see walking locals from Folkestone and Hythe, as well as clients from Canterbury, Ashford and all over Kent.

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I first came across the idea, rather than the name, when my father announced that he hated the Autumn as it was the precursor to him feeling down over the winter months. It was only in my 30s that I started to experience the same thing. So, what exactly is SAD?

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a type of depression. It generally happens at a specific time of year, usually during the Autumn and winter months when daylight hours are shorter and we tend to spend more time indoors. It makes sense doesn’t it. We have less exposure to natural light at this time. This can disrupt the body’s internal clock and even prevent hormones like melatonin being released at the right time. Melatonin affects our sleep and lack of sleep can impact all aspects of our life.  It is most commonly associated with the winter months, but some people may experience a form of SAD during the summer, especially if they find themselves housebound or working in a basement, for instance.

Common symptoms of SAD are:

1. Persistent sadness or low mood.
2. Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities. You withdraw and also loose the structure and connection those activities used to bring to your life.
3. Increased fatigue and a desire to sleep more.
4. Finding it harder to get going in the morning.
5. Difficulty concentrating and making decisions, perhaps even brain fog.
6. Changes in appetite and weight, often with a craving for carbohydrates, or “stodge.”
7. Social withdrawal and irritability.
8. Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness.
9. Physical symptoms like aches and pains.

Even if symptoms are small, such as feeling more tired than usual, they can have a knock-on effect on your life. You end up being less productive, for instance, and this impacts your self-esteem.

How to help SAD

For many people, it’s surprisingly simple and easy to feel better. Here are some ideas:

Light Therapy (Phototherapy)

Light therapy involves exposure to a bright light box that mimics natural sunlight. It can be a highly effective treatment for SAD.  I bought a simple lightbox from Amazon for under £30 and it’s been a faithful part of my office every winter for five years now. You only need a short time every morning, and it doubles as a great light for zoom calls!

Lifestyle Changes

It may sound pretty obvious but sometimes not so easy to do if you are working – get out into the daylight early in the morning. Perhaps you can adjust your working hours to start a bit later after a walk, or get off public transport or park further away and bring a walk into your daily routine. See what you can fit in lunch time too.

See people

Do not withdraw as this makes things worse. If you’re not feeling that sociable, do something where you can be around people, but perhaps not relying on talking so much, like an activity. Or, still see people, but in shorter bursts.

Vitamin D

Some people with SAD may benefit from vitamin D supplements, as they can be deficient during the darker months.

Look at your stress levels

Stress can make things worse, and winter brings its own worries. Concerns over paying energy bills, affording Christmas or even relationship issues as we spend more time together can feel hard at this time of year. Building up a menu of stress-reduction techniques like mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing can help. Talk to a friend and build in more exercise.

Support Groups

Not for everyone, but joining a SAD support group can provide emotional support and a sense of community with others who are experiencing similar challenges. This can be useful if you are feeling isolated and lonely already.

Your GP

If you’ve tried these natural ideas, then it could be an idea to talk to your GP. In some cases, antidepressant medications, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), may be prescribed to alleviate symptoms.

Counselling or Psychotherapy

Working with someone like myself can help you develop coping strategies for managing SAD symptoms. If the depressed mood is bringing other things to the surface, we can work with these.

Hope

It’s important to remember that SAD is a real and treatable condition. If you’d like to talk about how I could help you, contact me here, or book in a chat here. I offer counselling in Folkestone and Hythe, as well as online therapy.

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