Money can be difficult enough for us as individuals, but when two people come together, each with their own issues around money, it can lead to problems in a relationship. Sometimes, it’s about not having enough, of course, but not always. Different spending and saving patterns can feel like chasms. There may be disagreement over parenting and how to instil money values, or even problems when one of you values money over time due to deep set financial insecurity.

All of these can result in:

• Avoiding difficult money conversations
• Disagreeing over money, time, children, or legacy
• Feeling tension without perhaps knowing why
• Resentment
• Disagreement over things like when to retire
• Struggling to feel “seen” by each other
• Very real problems with finances

Sometimes the challenge isn’t dysfunction. It’s simply that things feel off, and you need someone skilled enough to help you name what’s happening, and why.

Couples Therapy Around Money

The work we do together is thoughtful, systemic, and rooted in an understanding of finances, power, and emotional nuance. At the same time, it is very practical, and we will be working on tweaking habits and behaviours that perhaps no longer serve you as a couple.

This is not about blame. It’s about creating space for reflection, pattern recognition, and meaningful change in a safe, private environment.

Individual Financial Therapy

Perhaps you know that your money behaviours are contributing to conflict in your relationship, but you’d the space to address them alone rather than as a couple. That’s perfectly possible.

If you’re interested in addressing issues around money and finances, you can book a chat with me here.

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Does it feel like menopause or perimenopause has crept into your life and turned even your closest relationship upside down? You’re not imagining it, and you certainly don’t have to face it alone, whether it’s you that is going through this transition, or your partner.

Hormones and intimacy

Menopause is more than hot flushes and sleepless nights. Beyond the physical changes, it brings emotional turbulence and these shifts can have an uncomfortable way of threading into your relationship. Suddenly, familiar routines feel awkward. There are emotional closeness frays and communication hits unexpected snags.

This is unknown territory for both of you, and of course it will be. Perimenopause and menopause bring with them big questions around identity as much as physical and emotional symptoms: a real existential moment.

These shifts can feel subtle at first, but then overwhelming before you know it. You might find yourselves drifting into misunderstanding, irritation, or even isolation. This is not because love has faded, but because navigating these changes without support is deeply challenging.

What isn’t happening

It’s not that your love or commitment is failing.  Likewise, it’s not happening because you’re not trying hard enough. Finally, it isn’t about “rescuing” each other. It’s about rediscovering connection during a time of profound change.

How couples therapy helps during menopause and perimenopause

We might look at:

• Practical tools to ease tension—like grounding techniques during hot flushes or emotional regulation skills when an argument feels triggered by inner overwhelm.
• A compassionate space to explore what’s going on to gently notice the interplay between hormonal shifts, identity, intimacy, and boundaries.
• Strategic, tailor-made steps to help you feel better sooner—not distant or defensive, but held and understood.
• Emerging new identities, both for the person going through menopause or perimenopause, but also what this means for your identity as a couple.

Since we work using the Human Givens model, you may find this clarity and reconnection starts sooner than you’d expect, with fewer sessions needed.

You don’t have to navigate this alone

You can come together, or one of you can take the first step. In-person sessions are available in Hythe and Folkestone, or you can meet online in the comfort of your home.

If this feels familiar, I invite you to reach out for a free 15-minute introductory chat. Message me here to book one in.

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Hello, I’m Paula Gardner and I’m a couples and relationship therapist seeing clients in Kent and online. As well as a therapist, I’m a business psychologist and that mindset actually makes my approach to couples therapy quite different from many others.

I work with evidence-based tools that I know have successful track records in helping couples communicate better, stop worrying, soothe themselves and set up routines that help support the life together they want to have. We talk about getting your needs met right now, and look at what’s going to help your situation and improve things as soon as possible. Together, we set experiments, drawn from whatever we cover in our sessions, and these are really practical ways to help embed what you learn together.

Is couples therapy the right choice?

Coming to couples therapy can be a really positive step. You are learning new skills and ways of behaving that are going to improve things for the both you…your family too, if you have one. Businesses constantly invest in upskilling so why shouldn’t you?

This solution-focused, practical approach means that couples counselling with me is not prolonged. Clients often see results in a small number of sessions, and, because we focus on the here and now, rather than the distant past, it suits people who want to see changes without a short amount of time.

For Individuals

It’s not all couples that I see. Perhaps your partner doesn’t want to come? Even with one person attending we can create small shifts that have a domino effect. Maybe you’d like some space to figure out if a relationship is right for you? We can do that, and look at the realities of the paths for you whichever direction you choose. If you’re going through a difficult break-up, therapy can help you process, recalibrate and let go.

What about me?

The therapeutic relationship matters so it’s important that you choose someone you both like and respect. That’s something you can never properly capture on a web-page. You can book an online chat with me to see how the dynamic might work between us.  I am warm, supportive and friendly, yes, but I’m also very straight-forward, practical and strategic. This is more than a nice chat, but we may well laugh along the way.

Sessions for a couple are 75 minutes. See up to date fees here.

You can book a zoom online chat here.

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I talk to many people who wish their partners would switch off their phone to save their relationship. However, it is easier said than done. Many of us find it hard to switch off from social media.  Even if we are not posting, we may be watching the news, keeping an eye on comments, or our favourite accounts. While it’s good mental health advice to switch off, for many, staying connected can also be part of our job too.

However, it’s not great for us. That connection with our phone can easily supplant connection with our loved ones. Screen time can wreak havoc on our sleep, and it’s all too easy to get sucked into comparing ourselves with others as we read about another couple’s amazing holiday to some beautiful tropical island. Our phones flicker at a rate that hypnotises us, something you may have experienced if you just popped on to quickly check Instagram and then suddenly realise that you’ve been scrolling for half an hour.

Nevertheless, it doesn’t do any harm to take a moment to think about how you interact with social media. How can you switch off from it?

Setting boundaries

By setting boundaries, we can transform the way we use these platforms, allowing them to serve us rather than consume us.

1. First and foremost, designate specific times for checking social media

Instead of constantly dipping in and out of your accounts, allocate fixed periods during the day. This allows you to remain intentional and focused on each other. If you have children, it’s also modelling healthy phone behaviour for them too.

It will take some self-discipline to embed this at first, but after a while it will become a habit and free up that social media free space for each other.

2. Turn off non-essential notifications

I no longer have any notifications on my phone. They are just too distracting. Even if you are able to ignore them going off and carry on with your conversation, there will be a part of your brain that is distracted by them. This means that they can easily disrupt your concentration and focus.

Decide when you engage, not the other way around.

3. Social media free zones

Creating social media-free zones within your home is another powerful strategy. I’ve long had a zero phones rule at the dining room table, but you could do the same for after 8pm, or on a Sunday perhaps.

Have you ever noticed that when one person gets their phone out, others follow suit? Physical boundaries can aid us in mentally clocking out from the digital world, encouraging presence in our immediate surroundings. This could simply be a phone free room.

4. Digital detoxes

Small but regular digital detoxes can give our brains that space to process. Commit to disconnecting for a few hours, a day, or even a weekend. If someone really needs you, they can phone!

Use this time to indulge in hobbies, relax, and reset together.

5. Cull like crazy

Lastly, be selective about who you follow. Not all content is beneficial. Unfollowing accounts that don’t add value is a game-changer.

You may not have control over what you see and follow from a workplace point of view. However, you can curate your personal feed to include voices and accounts that inspire, amuse or uplift you.

By doing this, you fill your social media experience with positivity and meaningful engagement.

As well as craving some time out for each other, this will boost your mental health. You’ll have more mental capacity to process whatever comes along. I promise, the results will be worth it.

If phone use is impacting your life and relationships, book a chat with me here to see how I can help. I see people in person in hythe and Folkestone, and online via Zoom and WhatsApp video.

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Are you in a place where you know you both need support, but are unsure whether therapy or coaching is better for your relationship? Qualified and experienced in both, I feel that I am in a good position to answer this.

When you need therapy for your relationship

To be clear here, the therapy is for your relationship, and it’s this we focus on. The problem is that whatever you are going through is affecting your relationship. Examples of issues would include a breakdown in trust or lack of communication skills. It could be that something that is impacting one of you, and the relationship is also suffering. This could be one of you reeling from a trauma, redundancy or bereavement, for example.

Sometimes you know these difficulties are temporary but you still want help to support you through them. On occasions, you know that simply following “tips and tricks” is not going to be enough. You need help to change patterns and behaviours, or shift something that just won’t go away.

Affecting daily life

Perhaps you are feeling the signs that something is wrong. It’s showing up in your life in ways you can’t ignore. Strong feelings of anxiety whenever you think about something that might have happened. Or you’re stuck in the same argument over and over again. Perhaps you can’t even fake a smile in the morning, even for a person you should love. Or you are feeling resentful that you are carrying the burden, while your partner or family seems to take this for granted. This is where therapy can help you both. .

The type of therapy I work with, Human Givens,  isn’t simply sitting in a room and talking. There will be exercises, tools and even homework. However, it’s all designed (and agreed on, between us) to help make shifts. There will be sessions together, but there may also be times when I see you both separately to work on something that will benefit the relationship.

When you need coaching for your relationship

For some couples, the therapy comes first before they are in a position to move into coaching. This can work well. However, perhaps your issues aren’t so deep. Maybe you’ve just had a few bad months and need help with unravelling what’s led to them. Or, external factors are affecting you both and you’d like space to think these through.

Coaching can be most helpful when you’re in a place to move forwards. Yes, there can be deep work with coaching, and it can produce amazing mindset shifts. It works especially when you know that it’s mainly communication skills that you want to work on.

Book a chat

As you can see, it’s not always cut and dried, but I can certainly give you an idea of how we would work on an initial chat. You can book yours here.

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Not everyone needs therapy after a breakup, but it can be very beneficial for some people. How do you know it will help you? I regularly see clients who are recovering from a break up, and I believe that therapy almost always helps. However, here are some signs that therapy might be particularly useful for you.

Your day to day life is being affected

Are you feeling like it’s difficult to cope? That it’s hard to just get through the day? Maybe you’ve got brain fog at work and just can’t seem to think straight. Or perhaps you find yourself snapping at the kids. It might even be that it’s so hard to summon the energy to even get out of bed in the mornings.

However it shows up for you, I can work with you so that your day to day life is not as impacted. We can  help you feel more in control of both your emotions, and your life.

You are obsessed

It is normal to think you see your ex walking down the street then realise it’s not them at all. Or, equally, be drawn to their social media accounts, or fantasise about bumping into them and giving them a piece of your mind. Being overly focused on someone is par for the course after a break up, especially if they were the ones that broke up with us. However, most of us seem to be aware of when this might have continued for too long, and perhaps become a habit.

Therapy can help you learn the skills of stepping back from obsessive thoughts and replacing them with healthier ones.

You’re not moving on

If your breakup was a while ago but you just don’t seem able to move on, therapy might be able to help. It might be that there is something about the situation that is keeping you stuck. Working together, we can help you process the break up. Not moving on means living in the past. Becoming more interested in your future and how that might look is part of our work together.

When you still have contact and it’s hard

Some of us have the luxury of going no contact which can ease a break up. If this isn’t an option for you and every time you meet it’s opening up old wounds, then we can work around ways to protect yourself. This is especially important when there is bullying or manipulation involved. While we cannot change others, we can change our own reactions, and work on boundaries and ways to feel safe.

When you are carrying guilt

It might be that you had an affair, or perhaps you grew apart and it was you that decided to call it a day. Guilt can be a difficult emotion to live with but it does have a use. Working out what it means for you and how you can acknowledge that, use it and let it go, is key to our work.

If you’d like to book a chat to see if working with me would be right for you, please click here.

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Many people’s experience of couples therapy is through watching the TV programme on Iplayer. Putting aside the ethical issues around confidentiality for a moment, it’s interesting to consider whether real life couples therapy is like the TV programme?

First off, your own session will be private! Any therapist is bound by rules around confidentiality that keeps you safe. However, just like Dr Orna Guralnik, the show’s therapist, every decent therapist will have supervision. This means that they share your story with their own supervisor. Sometimes this supervisor can offer a different perspective, or suggest an avenue to explore that might be helpful. They are also a check and balance to ensure that the therapist is working with you ethically and safely.

Secondly, the range of issues that couples bring to counselling can be as diverse as those on the show. It’s not always about affairs and betrayals. Our past, especially our childhoods, can instil patterns of behaviour that keep us stuck. These sometimes themselves raise issues and conflicts within a relationship. Likewise, a couple can feel like they’ve grown apart and want to use the therapy session as a place to explore how they can recapture their intimacy.

Working with different types of couples therapy

There are many different approaches out there. For a start, they might be called couples counsellors, couples therapists or even marriage guidance counsellors. Some take your early years as their focus, looking at the impact of childhood on attachment patterns for instance. My apparich is Solution Focused. This means that, while we will look at what’s brought you to where you are now, the attention is on what you can do right now to help things change.

This might involve trying out new ways of communication for instance, or some reflective work to notice when certain behaviors are triggered. Although Dr Orna sometimes gives homework, this is a big part of our work together. I believe real change is only made when we embed it into our lives.

We also do work around getting your needs met. These are needs like security, connection, community, meaning and purpose – how can you get these met so that your relationship becomes more of a choice and a joy?

Is Couples Therapy Like the TV Programme?

Of course one might imagine that the couples on the programme have been chosen because they are able to talk on camera, are comfortable opening up, and even, perhaps, promise a little drama. It can be very different in real life couples counselling sessions. One partner may find it difficult to open up, and I have to help them with that before we can unravel what might be going on. A couple that sounds like they are great communicators may, in fact, be very good at talking about everything except what needs to be brought out into the open. Subject matter meanders: one person’s experience of a stressful job may be impacting the relationship. Another person’s trauma may need to be dealt with.

The show tends to concentrate on a few strands for each couple, so that you can see how they move through the issues. Typically, there are multiple strands that we are dealing with. The good thing about this though, is the domino effect. When you make changes in one place, it impacts other things and momentum builds.

Face to face or online couples therapy?

Dr Orna tends to see people face to face, apart from one season which was filmed during Covid. I see clients both online and face to face. This is simply a practical thing. With our busy lives it can be challenging to find times that both people can make in person, especially if there are children involved.

If we work online, I always suggest that people use the time they would have spent travelling to the session, as a time for reflection or grounding, depending on what they need right then.

The Endings

Of course, the TV show has an end of series deadline. Couples therapy is often not quite so definite. A couple might pop back for top up sessions when life issues threaten to throw them off course, and that’s always fine. However, Solution-Focused work, which is what I do, works on giving you tools and changing behaviours so that, even if you want to come back, you do still have tools and a depth of understanding you can bring to any situation, and this will be with you for life.

Free couples consultation

If you’d like to meet me and see if we would be a good fit to work together, you can book in a free online consultation here. If you can’t see a time that suits, or want an earlier one, contact me and I’ll find a slot for you.

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