Many of the teenagers, graduates, students and apprentices that I see struggle with confidence. Often this is seen as a difficulty finding their voice. This could be in the workplace, college, or even with their friends. A lack of experience, or confidence, can make us feel tongue-tied and so less likely to put our own thoughts and ideas forward.

There are few things more empowering than saying what you think. That is, what you truly think. I’m not talking about hurting people; you have to respect for people’s feelings. Still, imagine how simple life would be if you could tell your boss that her idea isn’t going to work in the way that she thinks. Or let your friend know that you would rather see her on her own and not with tagging along with her and her boyfriend.

Language and Confidence

When we look at confidence, language is one of the first things we address. It’s something I’ve had to think about for myself. At one point, my language on a confidence scale was pretty poor. I I hid what I meant in woolly phrases to avoid confrontation. Everything had to sound nice, jolly even. If I was annoyed or fed up with someone I was still concerned about coming over as the nice girl. This showed up in the language I used. This was true both in real day to day life,  in my emails and online communications.

So, how did that change?  I made it a mission to drop the “I was just wondering..if…when you had time..you could possibly pay me.” Instead, I deliberately used straightforward language. “I am just checking to see when you’re going to be transferring the money.” This is totally unambiguous. If they didn’t respond, my spidey sense was allowed to go into overdrive. There’s no mistaking the meaning here. No response means something’s up.

It’s easy to do a spotcheck on whether you do the same thing. Do you use add-ons like “I was just thinking?”, or “maybe, if this isn’t too left field.” These are all ways we make ourselves sound a little less confident.

Clear speaking and confidence for young people

Here are some ways you can work on becoming more clearer and saying what you think…

• Changing your language to communicate more clearly first means adding in breathing space. No rushing to reply to that text or email straight away. When you’re in conversation, practise slowing down and pausing. Give yourself time to think and time to phrase what you’re going to say next
• Listening is just as important. It allows you to really understand who you are talking to and adjust what you want to say accordingly
• Don’t be afraid to rephrase yourself.”I haven’t seen you around much..hmmm…actually I meant to say why does it feel like you’ve been dodging me all week?”
• Be brave and say, “I don’t understand that, would you mind explaining it again.” Do this, even if it’s in the middle of a conference call or conversation. No need to say I’m sorry, just ask for clarification. Often, someone else will be relieved that you’ve asked the question
• If you have to say something that you are nervous about, especially in a meeting, consider putting what you want to say in an email first. Do it clearly and succinctly and offer it up for discussion at the meeting
• There’s no need to drop the niceties in an email but get to the point quickly, before people get bored
• Practise saying “I think”, “I believe”, “I want”, “I’d advise”. You could choose a phrase of the week and see how it feels to use it
• If you’re having a difficult conversation, stay away from sharing your emotions as much as possible. Even, if you’re hurt try not to whine or sound upset as this is what people will hear, not the words.

Confidence is a journey

You also need to know what you are thinking. This means taking ten minutes to ponder what’s going on in the office on the journey home. Don’t be tempted to switch off straight away. Rather, take a little time to consider. It also means tuning into your gut instincts. This is how you recognise this new job isn’t right, or a certain friend always leaves you feeling drained.

Growing in confidence is a journey and not achieved in one swoop. The rewards are more clarity and respect from other people.

Not all therapy is about dealing with difficult life issues. We can also focus on building confidence and communication skills, and I have been helping young people and teenagers with these for many years. Book a chat to find out more, or email me here.

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The post Helping Teens with Anxiety appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

I recently worked with a number of young people on the government’s Kickstarter scheme. One of them is Elena Blidaru, who has very bravely volunteered to write here about living with anxiety and what she has found useful.

Elena’s Story of living with anxiety

Life has us going through different situations, and that’s okay. Feeling a little bit nervous is beneficial from time to time, but how does it affect someone when it’s all the time? For a long time, I didn’t even know I had been living with social anxiety my whole life. I brushed it off as just being shy, and I know I can’t be the only one. What helped me is knowing I wasn’t alone. I developed and looked for different little methods to get me a step closer to a healthier frame of mind.

Dealing with anxiety in daily life

Sometimes, funnily enough, your anxiety gives you anxiety. I’ve done my research: breathing techniques and meditation seem to have a positive impact on our bodies when symptoms of anxiety turn physical. A trick that really helps when I feel anxiety getting the best of me is to use the grounding technique. That means simply engaging all your 5 senses. This is useful for when you’re stressed, too!

I’ve realised that learning to cope with and understand anxiety is a tedious process. When you can’t overcome it on your own, first advice would be to seek a professional. As scary as it sounds, it’s the best way to take care of yourself and your mental health when things become overwhelming.

What’s the pandemic’s impact?

Well, the lockdown period was a dark time. For many of us it was a huge change. It took a huge toll on our mental health. Physical distancing and remote work (or no work) further amplified stress and anxiety levels, or even contributed in developing other whole new problems like substance abuse, trauma or depression. Do know that you are not alone and give it some time. What we are going through is a period of future history.

Anxiety at work

Anxiety and low self-esteem go hand in hand. Be proud of what you manage to do well at work, ask for feedback and don’t stress about every little thing that doesn’t go well. Most likely everybody at work has already forgotten about that little incident you keep ruminating on (or didn’t even notice it). Manage your negative thoughts: voluntarily thinking positive thoughts instead of worrisome ones can help reduce anxiety. A better outlook on yourself can only have a better result on your anxiety. Try to have positive monologues. Be present and try to forget about what others might think of you. No one is as big of a critic of yourself as you are!

Stress and anxiety at work also go hand in hand, and affects your performance. A few ways I’ve managed to deal with anxiety at work, be more confident in myself and reduce stress levels is to:

• Arrive there early – nothing else calmed me down for the day easier than being there 20 minutes earlier, having a chat over a proper cup of coffee before my shift started
• Acknowledge all colleagues – try it, it makes a huge difference. Ask easy questions, build connections and relationships with people at work, ask simple questions and be mindful of their presence on a daily basis. Remember to connect and reach out to them when needed
• Seek clarity – don’t feel bad asking questions, seek additional information when you are unsure of anything (in fact, most people feel good when answering a question they know the answer to)
• Know or find out: the expectations that the organization has of you, the responsibilities you hold, you must be clear on what your contribution must be. Know what and how much you can do at work, set realistic deadlines and don’t put pressure on yourself by keeping rather strict deadlines that tend to border on the unrealistic.

Finally…

Accept your feelings and bad emotions as they come, acknowledge them and let them go just the same way, without consuming yourself. Sometimes our biggest enemies are our anxious thoughts; we can’t stop them from coming, but we can remember that they’re exactly what they are…just thoughts!

Elena has dealt with anxiety through her own research and determination. However, if you’re really struggling with anxiety right now and would like some support, please do reach out and contact me.

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Dealing with those unwanted thoughts of feeling like a failure

I often see business owners, and many non-business owners, muse about how they are feeling like a failure; that they haven’t done enough in life. Perhaps their business isn’t where they thought it should be. Perhaps they are single, once again, and wondering when they’ll ever get things together.  Clients question their paths, wonder what held them back from reaching their full potential and express disappointment in not being sorted enough. While many of us are happy enough to admit that we could be more organised, more productive, maybe even more driven, there are some who really struggle with guilt about their lack of progress so far.

If this resonates with you then I’d like to reassure you that these thoughts are normal. Most of us have thoughts that don’t serve us, and they can be a pain to deal with.

Let’s imagine, for a moment, a future where you may will never feel as though you have things sorted. Let’s imagine that you will always feel that there is more you need to achieve. Would it be a relief to realise that there is never a point when you say, that’s it? Can you see that not reaching some vague goal is not the problem here, but the guilt and stress that accompanies that pressure? Would you be able to breathe and stop pushing so hard? Would you pause and realise that achievement might not be the goal, and that dealing with these thoughts may be more valuable?

Dealing with these unwanted thoughts of feeling like a failure

If you’re bothered by thoughts of lack of achievement, there are a number of ways you can approach them. The first is the path of mindfulness. Just start to notice that these are just thoughts and you can step back from them and let them pass. I particularly like the analogy of watching a sushi conveyor belt and deciding to leave that particular dish on the belt. It may come around again (and it no doubt will), but you can just let it pass by. Other lovely visual examples include thinking of the thought as a balloon, and you can imagine yourself just letting it go. Or imagine it as a car coming towards you on a bridge. You can see the headlights, but you can steo back and let it pass. Watch it disappear into the distance. You can choose one of these visual tools every time these thought crop up. Play with them and noticed which works best for you.

A more left-brained approach is to build a portfolio evidence to the contrary. This means compiling a list of evidence as to why you are such a sorted and successful person, even if you haven’t achieved everything on your list yet. (If you are a parent with young children you automatically get double points here). Or, try gathering together a menu of your achievements in life, and everything you have to show for your efforts. Keep this handy to refer to when you need it.

It’s more likely that these thoughts will come faster and thicker when something is missing in your life. As a Human Givens therapist, I work with what we call the Human Needs, and there are nine of them. They include a sense of achievement, meaning and purpose, status, privacy, connection, community and a sense of control. If one of these is missing, or out of balance, we are more likely to feel wobbly and prone to unwanted thoughts like these.

Making a plan for success

What if there is a grain of truth in these thoughts? What if you really do have goals you haven’t yet reached? The simple answer is to make a plan to do just that, breaking it down, step by step. Then take the next step. Start setting bigger sales goals. Book that plane ticket to New Zealand. Buy a new notebook and start the novel. Download the dating app and get comfortable with it. Once you are taking action, those thoughts will start to dwindle.

If you’d like help with unwanted thoughts of any kind, or want to look at setting yourself achievable goals, you can book a chat with me here.

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You might think that HRT, if it can help, would be a good thing.

As a therapist, and not a doctor, it’s not something I can advise upon. There’s a lot of evidence for the arguments of both sides of the coin. So much so that it can get downright confusing. Even many GPs aren’t as informed on the subject as we would hope them to be.

Talking about Menopause

It’s great that the subject of menopause has become much more acceptable to talk about. In my mother’s day it was whispered about (“oh, she’s going through the change”). Today, it’s openly discussed on everything from in the workplace to LinkedIn. This is good. Menopause can have a huge impact on so many aspects of a woman’s life. Once confident women report suddenly asking themselves, “where did she go?” as the ballsy woman they once were fades away.

High profile celebrities like Davina McColl and Carol Vorderman have been vociferous in coming out in favour of HRT. Waterstones’ shelves heave under new titles and it’s now no longer taboo. The downside of this, however, is that there is a lot of information out there to sift through.

For those with family or personal histories of breast cancer or deep vein thrombosis, the decision whether to use HRT can be agonising. They are literally adding up risks in their heads. Read something that says it will double your risk, will naturally send alarm bells off. Fear can take over.

The decision whether to use HRT is a very personal one. Then, once you’ve committed to that road, there could be a number of iterations of different treatments to find the one that is right for you.

Deciding whether to use HRT

What I can tell you from working with clients is:

• You need to find a GP who will take you seriously and is open to HRT. Some are not
• Reading about this yourself is the only way to understand what it means for you. Take responsibility and get yourself as educated as possible
• You can still listen to friends, but think for yourself
• HRT is not an excuse to eat badly, forget to exercise or look after yourself. You need to help your HRT do the work
• This is not a decision that is set in stone. If you go on HRT, you can come off it, if you wish. Likewise, you can swap medications, increase and decrease doses, or go private and get a more bespoke service if you have the cash

Resources to help you decide whether to use HRT

Here are some sites that I have found to be excellent resources on HRT.

Balance

An excellent look at the risks and benefits in a way that is easy to understand

Liz Earle Well-Being

A beautiful site that covers not only menopause but beauty and lifestyle features for any woman at this time of life.

Menopause Matters

A friendly forum that is supportive and often knowledgeable. Don’t make any changes to your dose or make decisions on this alone. Always consult your GP or private menopause consultant first.

Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine

Very informative if you have decided to stick with the natural route.

The NICE Guidelines

UK guidelines for GPs.

Menopausal not Mad

A pro-menopause group on Facebook. This would be more useful if you do decide to go this way, and want ideas and support approaching your GP, rather than help making a decision.

Therapy for menopause?

Many of the symptoms can also be helped through therapy, too, especially anxiety and sleep. If you’d like a no-cost chat to see if you’d like to work on them with me, contact me here

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If you are feeling down or lost in life, sor just can’t seem to feel much meaning any more, sometimes going right back to basics and defining your own unique values is a good place to start.

The problem is that it’s so easy to go through life without even thinking about our true values. What makes it even more complicated is that our values may change. The values you have as a parent are not going to be the same as those you had pre children. 

Consequently, I recommend doing the following exercise on a regular basis, say every couple of years.  

The Values Exercise

I’ve spoken about needs before, and values can overlap with needs, but not always. Here’s how you find yours…

Take a notebook or a sheet of paper and think about the things that are really important in your life. Not possessions or people, but concepts.  I’ve put together a list at the end of this article, just to get you thinking, but this isn’t exhaustive. You can put your own in here if something comes to mind.

I’d like you to write down twenty that resonate with you. If you can’t reach 20 that’s fine, but if you have more than 20, I want you to get that number down to 20. Some words may mean very similar things: bravery and fearlessness for instance. Choose the one that resonates most with you. If you’re not quite sure on the definition of a word, but you feel it applies, just go with what that word means to you.

Interpreting the Data

Once you’ve got your 20 top values I’d like you to half those and pick the ten that resonate the most. Here’s a list I put together that describe where I am today.

Health, Family, Growth, Freedom, Peace, Creativity, Learning, Fun, Connection, Clarity.

I’ve done this often enough that they are actually in order, my current top value at the start of the list. I’d like you to do the same too, ordering your values so that you can see which ones matter more.  

I invite you to look upon your values on a regular basis so copy them out and out them somewhere you will see them: on the wall next to your desk, in your diary, on your fridge…whatever works for you!

Think back over your life to jobs that you’ve loved and jobs you’ve hated. How do they stack up against your values? Did the job you hated stifle your creativity while the jobs you loved let it have free reign? How about people? Does someone irritate you because their emails and other forms of communication lack clarity? Do you always clash with your teenage son because he doesn’t want to spend enough time, in your eyes, with his family?

Everyone else has different values so it’s almost impossible to have completely aligned values, but it can be useful to remember that we are all operating from our values and what’s important to you may be meaningless for someone else.

Living your Values

If you’re not living your values, the question is, why not? Is there just not the possibility at the moment? Or perhaps this is something you need to fight for? If your last job had a very rigid structure to the day and a boss who was a bit of a micromanager, and your top three values include freedom, then this could be a valuable lesson in the sort of working environment you want next.

If health is one of your top values but every evening you collapse on the sofa with a glass of wine or packet of biscuits, then it’s clear you are not giving this value priority.

As I’m self-employed I have literally set up my life to represent my values even though I didn’t know it at the time. I work from home so I get to see my family and have time to swim or get to a class. My work is very creative and I am constantly learning. Of course, if you’re employed, or have a demanding family or personal circumstances, it can be hard. However, using our values to guide us can keep pur actions and decisions aligned with what we really want.

How to use your values

Quite frankly, they can now become a road map for future decisions. Thinking of working for a particular company? Check their company values or mission statement and see if it overlaps with your own (or at least doesn’t contradict it). Fancy moving to a career with more meaning?  The values will guide you to where to look for that meaning.

I have had clients who literally have started crying when they realise one of their top values doesn’t figure anywhere in their work or sometimes even life. It sounds unbelievable but actually it’s very common.

Values

Health, Family, Growth, Freedom, Peacefulness, Creativity, Learning, Fun, Connection, Clarity, Trust, Bravery, Neatness, Simplicity, Adventure, Independence, Challenge, Love, Fame, Tradition, Fearlessness, Service, Discovery, Daring, Spontaneity, Order, Hope, Diplomacy, Originality, Precision, Determination, Flexibility, Consistency, Polish, Excitement, Generosity, Endurance, Calmness, Empathy, Mastery, Beauty, Curiosity, Abundance, Variety, Accomplishment, Wisdom, Warmth, Expression, Attractiveness, Excellence, Uniqueness, Energy, Enthusiasm, Dignity, Education, Being the Best, Intelligence, Completion, Significance, Discipline, Composure, Availability, Recognition, Contribution, Vision, Diligence, Co-operation, Leadership, Affluence, Fun, Harmony.

 Accuracy, Drama, Credibility, Experience, Dependability, Expertise, Altruism, Action, Activeness, Helpfulness, Charity, Support, Diversity, Justice, Duty, Popularity, Balance, Calm, Acknowledgement, Intuition, Efficiency, Effectiveness, Achievement, Congruency, Clarity, Control, Decisiveness, Pragmatism, Drive, Adaptability, Growth, Freedom, Choice, Assertiveness, Comfort, Cosy, Belonging, Family, Imagination, Creativity, Teamwork, Time with others.

If you’d like help going through this exercise, or would like to talk about how to find more meaning in your life, you can book a call here, or contact me here.

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