Are you in a place where you know you both need support, but are unsure whether therapy or coaching is better for your relationship? Qualified and experienced in both, I feel that I am in a good position to answer this.

When you need therapy for your relationship

To be clear here, the therapy is for your relationship, and it’s this we focus on. The problem is that whatever you are going through is affecting your relationship. Examples of issues would include a breakdown in trust or lack of communication skills. It could be that something that is impacting one of you, and the relationship is also suffering. This could be one of you reeling from a trauma, redundancy or bereavement, for example.

Sometimes you know these difficulties are temporary but you still want help to support you through them. On occasions, you know that simply following “tips and tricks” is not going to be enough. You need help to change patterns and behaviours, or shift something that just won’t go away.

Affecting daily life

Perhaps you are feeling the signs that something is wrong. It’s showing up in your life in ways you can’t ignore. Strong feelings of anxiety whenever you think about something that might have happened. Or you’re stuck in the same argument over and over again. Perhaps you can’t even fake a smile in the morning, even for a person you should love. Or you are feeling resentful that you are carrying the burden, while your partner or family seems to take this for granted. This is where therapy can help you both. .

The type of therapy I work with, Human Givens,  isn’t simply sitting in a room and talking. There will be exercises, tools and even homework. However, it’s all designed (and agreed on, between us) to help make shifts. There will be sessions together, but there may also be times when I see you both separately to work on something that will benefit the relationship.

When you need coaching for your relationship

For some couples, the therapy comes first before they are in a position to move into coaching. This can work well. However, perhaps your issues aren’t so deep. Maybe you’ve just had a few bad months and need help with unravelling what’s led to them. Or, external factors are affecting you both and you’d like space to think these through.

Coaching can be most helpful when you’re in a place to move forwards. Yes, there can be deep work with coaching, and it can produce amazing mindset shifts. It works especially when you know that it’s mainly communication skills that you want to work on.

Book a chat

As you can see, it’s not always cut and dried, but I can certainly give you an idea of how we would work on an initial chat. You can book yours here.

The post Is Therapy Or Coaching Better For Helping Your Relationship appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

With or without an official ADHD diagnosis, therapy or coaching for ADHD can help you with the symptoms. Whilst I cannot provide an ADHD assessment or diagnosis, what I do is work with people who feel as though they may have it. Our work together can help you with areas in which you may be struggling, such as time keeping, focus, impulsivity, self-belief or feelings of restlessness.

Even if you don’t have ADHD, but feel like some of the symptoms fit, therapy may be helpful. I often work with menopausal and perimenopausal women who confess that they feel as though they are experiencing ADHD traits, even though these have not affected them before.

First, here are some things you may be experiencing if you think you may have ADHD. Having some of them does not necessarily mean that you have ADHD. Likewise, if you have ADHD, you may not experience all of these.

• Impulsive behaviour, making decisions on the spur of the moment
• Feelings of restlessness. These can be both in the moment and in your life in general.
• Issues with focus and concentration. Finding it hard to start or finish tasks.
• Feeling as though you can’t stop your mind whirling.
• Problems with organising yourself.
• You find it hard to be on time, even when you think you’ve given yourself plenty of time.
• Forgetting things if you don’t write them down, and then possibly even forgetting to check what you’ve written
• An ability to hyperfocus on certain things, so much so that you tune out other people and lose track of time.
• You are always moving, such as jogging your foot without realising it. Things like fidget toys or tactile fabrics you can str0ke help you focus.
• Excessive worrying and rumination.

Therapy for ADHD

The most important step is finding out about you, your own life and goals right now. This means that we can zoom in on the ADHD symptoms that are causing the biggest issues for you. Sometimes, I work with clients who have struggled with time keeping in their work, and their line manager has pulled them up on this. Others, particularly students, might be experiencing a hard time getting started on something they know has to be done. It feels overwhelming and they just can’t bring themselves to knuckle down to it. Or, it might be that your symptoms are causing issues in your relationship. Your partner may be complaining that you don’t listen to them, or that your impulsivity has got you into debt.

We’ll work on embedding new behaviours, taking it at your own pace. If relationships have been damaged, we can address rebuilding them. For those who feel as though their minds are always churning, we can look at ways to soothe and calm that.

If we have a lower ability in one area, we can sometimes make up for it with our strengths. We’ll be looking at these too, and building strategies around using them more effectively.

It’s important to remember that you are more than your ADHD, so we will be looking at your life as a whole. How are you getting all your needs met right now?

Medication for ADHD

I can’t prescribe medication for ADHD. Only your GP can do that once you have your official diagnosis. Therapy and medication work very well together. Even with a diagnosis, many people choose not to take medication as there are side effects. Additionally, there are often ADHD medication shortages. If you’re struggling in your life, therapy offers a way of looking at how you can tackle things in a different way.

Business owners and ADHD

Whilst creativity and implusivity can be useful for business owners, being a business owner with ADHD has many challenges. For a start, business owners are unlikley to have that workplace support from HR or an executive coach. Once the company has reached a certain size, those issues that could be ignored, suddenly start impacting on the business. You may find challenges with concentration hold you back from pitching, going for funding or even just doing boring admin tasks. Likewise, that restlessless can make it hard to make decisions as you can see the opportunities almost everywhere you look.

Once again, we can look at these in therapy, and together build a strategy that will benefit you and your business.

To chat about therapy for ADHD, book a chat or contact me. Otherwise, you can go ahead and book an online session into my diary here.

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Many of the teenagers, graduates, students and apprentices that I see struggle with confidence. Often this is seen as a difficulty finding their voice. This could be in the workplace, college, or even with their friends. A lack of experience, or confidence, can make us feel tongue-tied and so less likely to put our own thoughts and ideas forward.

There are few things more empowering than saying what you think. That is, what you truly think. I’m not talking about hurting people; you have to respect for people’s feelings. Still, imagine how simple life would be if you could tell your boss that her idea isn’t going to work in the way that she thinks. Or let your friend know that you would rather see her on her own and not with tagging along with her and her boyfriend.

Language and Confidence

When we look at confidence, language is one of the first things we address. It’s something I’ve had to think about for myself. At one point, my language on a confidence scale was pretty poor. I I hid what I meant in woolly phrases to avoid confrontation. Everything had to sound nice, jolly even. If I was annoyed or fed up with someone I was still concerned about coming over as the nice girl. This showed up in the language I used. This was true both in real day to day life,  in my emails and online communications.

So, how did that change?  I made it a mission to drop the “I was just wondering..if…when you had time..you could possibly pay me.” Instead, I deliberately used straightforward language. “I am just checking to see when you’re going to be transferring the money.” This is totally unambiguous. If they didn’t respond, my spidey sense was allowed to go into overdrive. There’s no mistaking the meaning here. No response means something’s up.

It’s easy to do a spotcheck on whether you do the same thing. Do you use add-ons like “I was just thinking?”, or “maybe, if this isn’t too left field.” These are all ways we make ourselves sound a little less confident.

Clear speaking and confidence for young people

Here are some ways you can work on becoming more clearer and saying what you think…

• Changing your language to communicate more clearly first means adding in breathing space. No rushing to reply to that text or email straight away. When you’re in conversation, practise slowing down and pausing. Give yourself time to think and time to phrase what you’re going to say next
• Listening is just as important. It allows you to really understand who you are talking to and adjust what you want to say accordingly
• Don’t be afraid to rephrase yourself.”I haven’t seen you around much..hmmm…actually I meant to say why does it feel like you’ve been dodging me all week?”
• Be brave and say, “I don’t understand that, would you mind explaining it again.” Do this, even if it’s in the middle of a conference call or conversation. No need to say I’m sorry, just ask for clarification. Often, someone else will be relieved that you’ve asked the question
• If you have to say something that you are nervous about, especially in a meeting, consider putting what you want to say in an email first. Do it clearly and succinctly and offer it up for discussion at the meeting
• There’s no need to drop the niceties in an email but get to the point quickly, before people get bored
• Practise saying “I think”, “I believe”, “I want”, “I’d advise”. You could choose a phrase of the week and see how it feels to use it
• If you’re having a difficult conversation, stay away from sharing your emotions as much as possible. Even, if you’re hurt try not to whine or sound upset as this is what people will hear, not the words.

Confidence is a journey

You also need to know what you are thinking. This means taking ten minutes to ponder what’s going on in the office on the journey home. Don’t be tempted to switch off straight away. Rather, take a little time to consider. It also means tuning into your gut instincts. This is how you recognise this new job isn’t right, or a certain friend always leaves you feeling drained.

Growing in confidence is a journey and not achieved in one swoop. The rewards are more clarity and respect from other people.

Not all therapy is about dealing with difficult life issues. We can also focus on building confidence and communication skills, and I have been helping young people and teenagers with these for many years. Book a chat to find out more, or email me here.

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Dealing with those unwanted thoughts of feeling like a failure

I often see business owners, and many non-business owners, muse about how they are feeling like a failure; that they haven’t done enough in life. Perhaps their business isn’t where they thought it should be. Perhaps they are single, once again, and wondering when they’ll ever get things together.  Clients question their paths, wonder what held them back from reaching their full potential and express disappointment in not being sorted enough. While many of us are happy enough to admit that we could be more organised, more productive, maybe even more driven, there are some who really struggle with guilt about their lack of progress so far.

If this resonates with you then I’d like to reassure you that these thoughts are normal. Most of us have thoughts that don’t serve us, and they can be a pain to deal with.

Let’s imagine, for a moment, a future where you may will never feel as though you have things sorted. Let’s imagine that you will always feel that there is more you need to achieve. Would it be a relief to realise that there is never a point when you say, that’s it? Can you see that not reaching some vague goal is not the problem here, but the guilt and stress that accompanies that pressure? Would you be able to breathe and stop pushing so hard? Would you pause and realise that achievement might not be the goal, and that dealing with these thoughts may be more valuable?

Dealing with these unwanted thoughts of feeling like a failure

If you’re bothered by thoughts of lack of achievement, there are a number of ways you can approach them. The first is the path of mindfulness. Just start to notice that these are just thoughts and you can step back from them and let them pass. I particularly like the analogy of watching a sushi conveyor belt and deciding to leave that particular dish on the belt. It may come around again (and it no doubt will), but you can just let it pass by. Other lovely visual examples include thinking of the thought as a balloon, and you can imagine yourself just letting it go. Or imagine it as a car coming towards you on a bridge. You can see the headlights, but you can steo back and let it pass. Watch it disappear into the distance. You can choose one of these visual tools every time these thought crop up. Play with them and noticed which works best for you.

A more left-brained approach is to build a portfolio evidence to the contrary. This means compiling a list of evidence as to why you are such a sorted and successful person, even if you haven’t achieved everything on your list yet. (If you are a parent with young children you automatically get double points here). Or, try gathering together a menu of your achievements in life, and everything you have to show for your efforts. Keep this handy to refer to when you need it.

It’s more likely that these thoughts will come faster and thicker when something is missing in your life. As a Human Givens therapist, I work with what we call the Human Needs, and there are nine of them. They include a sense of achievement, meaning and purpose, status, privacy, connection, community and a sense of control. If one of these is missing, or out of balance, we are more likely to feel wobbly and prone to unwanted thoughts like these.

Making a plan for success

What if there is a grain of truth in these thoughts? What if you really do have goals you haven’t yet reached? The simple answer is to make a plan to do just that, breaking it down, step by step. Then take the next step. Start setting bigger sales goals. Book that plane ticket to New Zealand. Buy a new notebook and start the novel. Download the dating app and get comfortable with it. Once you are taking action, those thoughts will start to dwindle.

If you’d like help with unwanted thoughts of any kind, or want to look at setting yourself achievable goals, you can book a chat with me here.

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If you are feeling down or lost in life, sor just can’t seem to feel much meaning any more, sometimes going right back to basics and defining your own unique values is a good place to start.

The problem is that it’s so easy to go through life without even thinking about our true values. What makes it even more complicated is that our values may change. The values you have as a parent are not going to be the same as those you had pre children. 

Consequently, I recommend doing the following exercise on a regular basis, say every couple of years.  

The Values Exercise

I’ve spoken about needs before, and values can overlap with needs, but not always. Here’s how you find yours…

Take a notebook or a sheet of paper and think about the things that are really important in your life. Not possessions or people, but concepts.  I’ve put together a list at the end of this article, just to get you thinking, but this isn’t exhaustive. You can put your own in here if something comes to mind.

I’d like you to write down twenty that resonate with you. If you can’t reach 20 that’s fine, but if you have more than 20, I want you to get that number down to 20. Some words may mean very similar things: bravery and fearlessness for instance. Choose the one that resonates most with you. If you’re not quite sure on the definition of a word, but you feel it applies, just go with what that word means to you.

Interpreting the Data

Once you’ve got your 20 top values I’d like you to half those and pick the ten that resonate the most. Here’s a list I put together that describe where I am today.

Health, Family, Growth, Freedom, Peace, Creativity, Learning, Fun, Connection, Clarity.

I’ve done this often enough that they are actually in order, my current top value at the start of the list. I’d like you to do the same too, ordering your values so that you can see which ones matter more.  

I invite you to look upon your values on a regular basis so copy them out and out them somewhere you will see them: on the wall next to your desk, in your diary, on your fridge…whatever works for you!

Think back over your life to jobs that you’ve loved and jobs you’ve hated. How do they stack up against your values? Did the job you hated stifle your creativity while the jobs you loved let it have free reign? How about people? Does someone irritate you because their emails and other forms of communication lack clarity? Do you always clash with your teenage son because he doesn’t want to spend enough time, in your eyes, with his family?

Everyone else has different values so it’s almost impossible to have completely aligned values, but it can be useful to remember that we are all operating from our values and what’s important to you may be meaningless for someone else.

Living your Values

If you’re not living your values, the question is, why not? Is there just not the possibility at the moment? Or perhaps this is something you need to fight for? If your last job had a very rigid structure to the day and a boss who was a bit of a micromanager, and your top three values include freedom, then this could be a valuable lesson in the sort of working environment you want next.

If health is one of your top values but every evening you collapse on the sofa with a glass of wine or packet of biscuits, then it’s clear you are not giving this value priority.

As I’m self-employed I have literally set up my life to represent my values even though I didn’t know it at the time. I work from home so I get to see my family and have time to swim or get to a class. My work is very creative and I am constantly learning. Of course, if you’re employed, or have a demanding family or personal circumstances, it can be hard. However, using our values to guide us can keep pur actions and decisions aligned with what we really want.

How to use your values

Quite frankly, they can now become a road map for future decisions. Thinking of working for a particular company? Check their company values or mission statement and see if it overlaps with your own (or at least doesn’t contradict it). Fancy moving to a career with more meaning?  The values will guide you to where to look for that meaning.

I have had clients who literally have started crying when they realise one of their top values doesn’t figure anywhere in their work or sometimes even life. It sounds unbelievable but actually it’s very common.

Values

Health, Family, Growth, Freedom, Peacefulness, Creativity, Learning, Fun, Connection, Clarity, Trust, Bravery, Neatness, Simplicity, Adventure, Independence, Challenge, Love, Fame, Tradition, Fearlessness, Service, Discovery, Daring, Spontaneity, Order, Hope, Diplomacy, Originality, Precision, Determination, Flexibility, Consistency, Polish, Excitement, Generosity, Endurance, Calmness, Empathy, Mastery, Beauty, Curiosity, Abundance, Variety, Accomplishment, Wisdom, Warmth, Expression, Attractiveness, Excellence, Uniqueness, Energy, Enthusiasm, Dignity, Education, Being the Best, Intelligence, Completion, Significance, Discipline, Composure, Availability, Recognition, Contribution, Vision, Diligence, Co-operation, Leadership, Affluence, Fun, Harmony.

 Accuracy, Drama, Credibility, Experience, Dependability, Expertise, Altruism, Action, Activeness, Helpfulness, Charity, Support, Diversity, Justice, Duty, Popularity, Balance, Calm, Acknowledgement, Intuition, Efficiency, Effectiveness, Achievement, Congruency, Clarity, Control, Decisiveness, Pragmatism, Drive, Adaptability, Growth, Freedom, Choice, Assertiveness, Comfort, Cosy, Belonging, Family, Imagination, Creativity, Teamwork, Time with others.

If you’d like help going through this exercise, or would like to talk about how to find more meaning in your life, you can book a call here, or contact me here.

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Over the years I have worked with many apprentices in my role as an apprentice coach. I am always impressed by their ability to hold down a new and busy job with studying and producing high quality course work.

People often look at apprenticeships as an easy alternative to University, but it is a mistake to think this way. Apprentices are juggling work (often a new job), with studying. Traditional university students can focus entirely on their studies. Apprentices are sometimes treated as the dogsbody of the business, and given the least interesting tasks to do. They can sometimes find it hard to integrate with teams, or speak up for themselves. After all, they are only the “apprentice.” I am not criticising apprenticeships. I think they are a wonderful way into work, and have been working with the PRCA apprenticeship scheme for years. Nevertheless, I don’t think we should be under-estimating the work involved.

Mental Health Resources For Apprentices

Neither should we be forget the possible strains the above can put on their mental health. This is why we have created a list of mental health resources for apprentices here. Let’s start with our own:

Counselling Sessions for Apprentices

Life happens to apprentices just like anyone else. On top of their studies and work duties they may be struggling with anxiety, grief, or depression. There are funds available that training providers can use to support apprentices in the form of counselling sessions, and I would be delighted to deliver these. Please contact me to discuss.

Mental Health seminars for Apprentices

We have put together a number of seminars that will support apprentices’ mental health. They can be delivered as a group in person, or online, and recorded for future watching. Here are our current titles:

Coping with Anxiety at Work

It’s natural to be concerned about delivering good work and creating a good impression but there may be moments when that anxiety can start to impede your performance. This seminar looks at practical ways to help you dial down any feelings of anxiousness or panic, including how to deal with panic attacks. We also discuss how to help those around you who may be suffering from anxiety.

Dark Days and Depression

Depression can cause havoc with your performance at, and your enjoyment of work. It can leave you feeling isolated, lacking in motivation and has a severe physical impact on your health. Spotting signs of depression in yourself and others means that you can implement the self-help strategies covered in this workshop to help move you out of depression, or recognise when you need more professional help.

Dispelling Social Anxiety

What was once called shyness can be a huge barrier to promotions, building a network, and even impacts our mental health. This seminar looks at ways we can work on our social anxiety and help us feel more in control of situations where we are interacting with others.

Self-Discipline, Habits and Rituals

We all rely on self-discipline, habits, and rituals to get things done, but how often do you think about which one serves you best? In this workshop you will learn how to increase your self-discipline, break bad habits – or create new ones, and create your own powerful rituals to change your mindset.

Again, please contact me or book a call to discuss.

Mental Health UK

Younger apprentices (up to 18) may find this charity helpful as it focuses on mental health and life transitions. The charity has developed a young people’s programme to help equip 14 to 18 year olds with the tools and knowledge to maintain their mental health.Find out more.

The Samaritans

If you need to talk to someone right now, The Samaritans are avalaible by phone and on line. Call the Samaritans for free on 116123, or find their site here.

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While some people may have a strong vision of where they want their life to go, many of us can find ourselves rather hazier about the details. We know we want change. We’re ready and willing to welcome that in, but we just can’t figure out what that means.  Additionally, we may be so nervous about making the wrong changes, that we get stuck, doing nothing at all, and end up feeling frustrated with ourselves for not taking action.

This is often the stage when people come to me for psychotherapy, thinking that something is wrong with them, that something internal is holding them back.

Think small

Sometimes, we can get so caught up in the big vision that we forget about the little things that are going to make our future work for us.  Our life isn’t all big causes and swapping changes. There may not even be a strong sense of purpose. What we can be sure of is that life is made up of many small moments that will add together to create our feelings about life, and ultimately, determined how satisfied we are with it.

Before you can create a big vision for the future, here are three approaches that may help to give both food for thought and clarity.

What matters to me?

Let’s try a little exercise here by taking five jobs you’ve had in the past, plus your current role. You can go right back to Saturday jobs and paper rounds if you like; just try to get some variety in there.

Take a separate piece of paper for each job. Just note down, for each of them, what comes to your mind about them – it can be anything from having to use negotiating skills to the fact that you hated climbing 5 flights of stairs to use the loo, to being able to wear sneakers into work.  Now take some coloured pens and go through, underlining things which are similar or the same in each job. They may not be found in every job, but even if they are in two, mark them.

Now, take a look at what you’ve underlined. The very fact that you’ve written them down means that they are important to you in some way – after all, we don’t notice things that don’t mean anything to us. The question is why are they important? So, three of your jobs had a dress down Friday. Did you like that, or hate it?

Look at the language you are using and how you really feel about what you’ve written. I once did a similar exercise with a group. Two of them had written down working from home, but when questioned, one said this had connotations of being lonely, the other said it was calm and peaceful.  So, if you do this exercise with someone else, be sure to really reflect on your own meanings, not be guided by theirs.

How can I play with this?

Rather than put too much pressure on yourself to come up with the big design for the rest of your life, think about approaching it more playfully. What have you always wanted to try but never got around to? What questions would you ask someone doing a role you’ve fantasised about? What would it be like to give it all up and write that novel you’ve been planning in your head for the last five years?

The theory of Possible Selves suggests that there are multiple possibilities for us out there –  you can write that novel, but equally, you could go for that promotion or go back to University part time. We don’t choose because it’s frightening to commit, but what if you could just play with the ideas? For instance you could take two weeks off to write two chapters and see how cope with working from home all day and having to reach a certain word count.  What if you spoke to the person who is doing that job right now, or even asked to shadow them for a day? What if you did an evening course and see how it feels? At the end of your experiment you may decide you can’t stand the isolation of writing from home, you couldn’t last the course and, surprisingly, you really like the idea of a new challenge at work.

Any change, even small ones like these, will inevitably give us fuel to help us make better decisions and clues as to what’s going to work for us. Them it’s up to us to take some real action. If that’s where you are stuck though, why don’t you…

Look at your worst possible self

Of course, we have that other possible self. The self we will be if we don’t change. If you need impetus then looking at how your life will be if you stay in that unhappy marriage/put up with that job with the two hour commute/put off dating…or whatever less than perfect circumstances you are putting up with. Really dig into how it’s going to feel in five or ten years’ time if you haven’t changed anything. How frustrated will you be feeling? Use this Possible You to provoke you to do something – anything – to start change happening.

If you’d like to explore making life changes – big or small – please contact me here, or book a free chat here.

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Author and therapist Mark Tyrell takes this further by looking at what happens if you get too much of one need. Or, how your natural need can leave you vulnerable to manipulation, cause rifts in relationships, or leave a trail of havoc in your own life. He relates tales of men so desperate for love they still carried on relationships even after they knew their girlfriends were stealing from them, or people so used to chasing status and being the best at what they do, that they fall into a deep depression when it inevitably gets proved that they are not “the best.”

My own favourite aha moment was reading about people who keep asking for advice and yet never take it (I mean friends here, not clients). This can be hugely frustrating, especially when, often as a third party, you can easily see what would help their situation. This, Tyrrell asserts, is actually a need for attention, not advice. All of a sudden, this behaviour now makes more sense.

This is an easy read. You could finish it in a couple of sittings, if you wished. I preferred to read a chapter at a time, digesting the behaviour analysis and stories from the author’s own experiences.

This book will be useful for therapists who are curious about the importance of our needs in driving our behaviour, as well as any person who wonders why they keep repeating the same harmful pattern over and over again.

Buy here: Dark Side of The Human Needs

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People pleasing is complicated. On one hand it feels like you have everyone’s best interests at heart, that you’re a genuinely GOOD person. People are grateful and express this with compliments and expressions of gratitude that send an almighty kick of oxytocin into your system. This makes you feel wonderful, that you have a place in this world, and that you are valued.

However, it can also leave us depleted, exhausted and with little left for our own goals and issues. What’s more, it’s easy to get lost in other people’s lives, listening to their problems, picking up their mess, making sure they are okay…so easy that it’s a convenient way to distance yourself from whatever is going on in your own life that you don’t want to see.

People pleasing can give us status, meaning and connection, but do it too much and it can become a trap.

Too much people pleasing can start to make you feel resentful and it’s a hard habit to break once you’re in. People expect that lift; for you to cover for them at the office; that you’ll listen to their moans about the boss over and over again. Saying “No” becomes difficult. You feel that you’re letting people down. Even worse, they may make you feel like you are! You may start to feel resentful, which can spill over into passive aggression. Or, even worse, if you try and push this down, explode when you least expect it.

Goodbye Dreams

And what about your own dreams, your own path? That’s slowly been demoted to bottom of the list and you have a feeling that you’re so far from your own path that it’s not worth even making the attempt to do something for yourself. What about all these obligations? You can’t just let go of these.

Why not? One, because you’re in this too deep and two, because you’re worried what other people will think of you. Maybe you’ll look like a loser, someone who bottled it, who just couldn’t keep it together. Or perhaps you feel people will be disappointed in you, or that their doubts about you will be confirmed. “People” could mean people in general, or you have someone’s image in your head: your parents, your colleagues, your partner or family.

Perhaps you do have some ideas for change in your life: a change of job or career. More education or some travel? Or you maybe just have a sense that something needs to change but you’re not quite sure what it is. However, even the thought of exploring that feels like a betrayal, a sign to your family that you’re not happy and how would that make them feel?

Any of this strike a nerve with you? Hmm, you’re well and truly stuck aren’t you?

Well…maybe, maybe not.

Resources

One thing we can do is look for those times when we did do something for ourselves, or stood up for ourselves. We can recognise the resources we used when we did that, or the support we put in place. While such times may not immediately spring to mind, you most probably can think of some instances. For myself, it was deciding to go back to University to do a Masters, even though I was a single mum to three children and running my own business. My decision meant that they had to learn to look after themselves in practical ways that now underpin their self-esteem as adults (they were teenagers at the time, I might add).

What was going on when you were able to stay No, or didn’t step in to offer help as you usually do? What resources did you have to look after yourself? How did you get others to step up and take responsibility for themselves?

7 Activities to Help You Stop People Pleasing and Caring What Other People Think Of You

Here are some actions to help you move from a place of people pleasing to pleasing yourself. You don’t have to work through them in any particular order, and you can get working with more than one at a time.

Discover Yourself

Have your own agenda. Move your attention from other people and onto yourself. This won’t happen in the course of a day, but there are some rewarding activities you can do to start this process.

One of the first things is to look at what you want from your own life. If we turn the focus back to ourselves it becomes harder for others to pull us off the path with their own agenda, but first we have to truly know what it is we want. Sometimes I work with clients who have never truly asked themselves this question.

A Values exercise is a nice way to start this. You can do it yourself by listing the Values that are important to you in your life. Some of my own values, for instance, are:

Creativity

Tranquillity

Intelligence

Learning

Growth

Health

Intimacy

Try to bring you list down to 10 Values. Write these out and put them somewhere you can see. Near your desk, in a journal or on your fridge for instance. Every now and then touch base with them. Do you think you are living those values?

Tranquillity is a big one for me, for example. I have to feel that I have space in my life to think and time to do nothing. I try to build these in but if life gets too frenetic I know that I’m not living that value. The result is that my stress levels get higher of course, but I also feel that my life is “off” somehow and I need to bring myself back to that Value. Usually that means dropping something or saying NO to a few things.

I have worked with clients who literally start crying when they see that a Value that is hugely important to them, such as Intimacy or Playfulness, is absent from their life. It’s  a powerful moment.

The next step on that path is finding what you truly want. You may know already but if you don’t here are some activities that can help you explore that:

• Journaling
• Make a Vision Board
• Read autobiographies and see what type of lives draw you
• Talking to other people about what they enjoy about their lives, their jobs
• Taking some time off to travel or have an adventure
• Doing a course – any course – to  open your mind
• Exploring with a coach or therapist (if you would like to work with me on your own people pleasing tendencies, please book a chat with me here.)
• Remember what you wanted to be when you were a child, a teenager, a young adult
• Try out some Possible Selves without committing yourself to it (read Herminia Ibarra’s book Working Identity for a great introduction to this theory)
• Read self-development books to discover more about yourself

When you think you know what you want, assess how much you want it. If it’s a merely an “oh that would be nice”, then you haven’t found it yet. It needs to make you excited, to touch that flame inside.

Make self-care a priority

If you’ve been catering for everyone else’s needs your own self-care may be pretty low on the list. It may be a trite and well used phrase but you need to put on your own oxygen mask first or, long term, you will be no use to anyone, least of all yourself.

You may think self-care is indulgent or that you can’t afford pampering. It even make you feel guilty (a huge clue that it’s what you need). At this point I am going to invite you to do it anyway and just sit with those feelings. After all, they are just feelings, not necessarily the truth. Learning to look at our thoughts and feelings but not let them lure us away down a rabbit hole is an important part of this process.

Each week, I challenge you to up level your self-care, i.e. do something more for yourself. It doesn’t have to involve lots of money or taking yourself off to a spa for a few days, although if that’s an option by all means go for it. Here are some suggestions:

• Basics – if anything is niggling, see a doctor or specialist. Get those teeth checked, book in an appointment with a chiropodist or physiotherapist
• Get a health MOT – weight, bloods etc. Decide to take responsibility for yourself
• Have a massage, facial
• Take a nap in the afternoon
• Get to bed twenty minutes earlier
• Drink more water
• Eat more veg
• Lower the cabs
• Lower your sugar intake
• Reduce your alcohol intake
• Have a facial, pedicure or manicure
• Take an hour long bubble bath
• Treat yourself to some gorgeous shower gel
• Sit and do nothing
• Meditate
• Get a haircut and colour
• Go for a run, yoga session or join a Zumba class
• Follow a HIIT video on YouTube
• Learn how to make your own face mask from things you have lying in your cupboards

The list is endless and you can have fun exploring what makes you feel the most pampered and what you will be bringing into your regular routines. I have 99 more ideas here.

Assess The Impact

This is where we look at how much this has impacted on your life, up until now. Go through the following questions, answering as honestly as you can.

What do I do regularly that does not fall in with my Values or Path?

What takes me away from my Value or Path?

What have I done in the past that did not support my Values or Path?

What has taken me away from my Value or Path?

Which people have I tried to please in the past?

Are there people with whom do not behave in this way?

Are there people that I look to for validation and respect?

How has that affected what I do or the way I interact with them?

Are there people that I don’t look to in this way?

How has that affected what I do or the way that interact with them?

What difficulties have I got in due to this behaviour?

Build in Space

This is where we start to change our interactions with others. You are going to stop yourself from acting on impulse by building in some breathing space. This is two-fold. You are training both yourself and other people.

Let’s start by putting other people in a holding pattern. So, when someone asks for a favour, if you’d like to come out that weekend or join their new book group, just build in a little delay before you commit. All it takes is a “Let me check with my diary and I’ll let you know”, or “My head’s a bit full with something else at the moment. Can I think on it and get back to you,” In short, pause before you rush in and say yes. Use this time to consider:

Do I really want to do this?

Why do I want to do this? Is it for me or because I want to make them happy?

If you decide that you don’t want to do whatever it is, you can just say “No”, that doesn’t work for me tonight, or ”No, I don’t think I fancy that.”  No need for elaborate excuses or stories. If someone challenges you then you perhaps need to be asking them why can’t they accept and respect your answer.

Of course, sometimes you will want to do whatever it is. Sometimes you will genuinely want to help. But that space allows you to decide not give a knee jerk reaction and beat yourself up for it later. It also reminds others that your time and your headspace is important. You have things going on in your life. There are other things you need to be thinking on and giving your attention.

Next, you’re going to build in that same space before you offer to help someone of your own accord. This is trickier and you’ll need to rely on your own self-discipline here. It could be a 5 minute rule that you apply, a 24 hour rule…whatever works for you. Be rigid in applying it and apply it to everything that fits.

If in doubt, consider…

Is this taking me away from my values and path?

Will it deplete my resources for my own journey and goals?

Reducing the need for outside Validation

This is a big part of people pleasing and caring what others thing. What we are doing, in fact, is using others to make us feel better and give us our worth. It’s quite selfish and could even be manipulative if you look at it that way. A true feeling of self-worth comes from inside so let’s look at building that up.

Ways to help with this include journaling, so that you get to know and appreciate yourself intimately. Additionally, start a practice of gratitude but making sure that you include yourself within this. So, for example, being grateful to yourself for setting aside the time to do a good job on that special project.

Acknowledge your own achievements to yourself and celebrate them. You can share this with others, but not if you only need their acknowledgement and approval for you to really feel that success.

Practise making decisions for yourself, and relying on your own judgment. Start with the little things and work up to big decisions. Being able to take responsibility for these really does help a feeling of intrinsic self-worth, as does deciding to do something and see it through to the end.

Ask for help

People pleasers rarely ask for help. We struggle on, convinced that asking for help would be a form of weakness, but at the same time maybe feeling resentful that people can’t see we could do with a hand. Asking for help is a skill that some people have and are happy to use when they need it some people abuse it.

Begin by asking for small things, perhaps for extra mayonnaise at a restaurant or asking your son to mow the lawn. Build it up. Admit vulnerability, “Actually I’m struggling with this – could you give me a hand.” Most people genuinely like to help and you are unlikely to be taking advantage. Sometimes, if you’ve always been the one to do the helping, people may react with surprise, but don’t be frightened of this. It’s part of the process.

Asking for help leads to another skill that people pleasers may not have used properly: delegating. We don’t have to do everything ourselves. Indeed, by handing over some jobs to a junior colleague we are also aiding in their development as well as our own.  That feeling that you are giving away some control is scary but, once again, we need to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.

Step Seven: Tune Into Your Body

So many of us live in our heads nowadays, but it’s there where we can get caught up in patterns and repeat history over and over again. Body work is liberating. It allows us to tune into out body and get more accustomed to picking up on how we are really feeling about something.

You can start by building more physicality into your life. This can be pure exercise like running or swimming, yes, but activities like yoga and dance help us tap into the right hand side of our rain, our creativity and imagination. One form of dance that is particularly good for this is Qoya work created by Rochelle Schieck.  There are plenty of free Qoya videos on Vimeo that you can try here.

Again, that stillness and space that yoga creates can produce the same thing and help you tune into your body. What this does is bring you closer to your intuition which can give you clues as to how you really feel about things. Perhaps you notice that your shoulders tense up when you think about a certain colleague at work, or that you grind your teeth when you go to sleep after spending too much time on social media.

All these things are clues to how you really feel. You can use that information to make more informed decisions. You may decide not to trust that colleague or that you need to reduce your time on social media, even though your friends love it. In short, learn how to please yourself.

If you would like to work with me on your people pleasing tendencies, please book a chat with me here.

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