Parents sometimes ask me how they can support their child through therapy. Indeed, some of my clients are parents whose children are getting therapy someplace else, perhaps through a school counselling service. They’ve often come to work on their own anxiety, some of which is around their children. This has prompted me to put together some general advice for parents whose children are having therapy. I tend to work with teenagers and young adults, so these thoughts are geared towards them. However, if your child is younger and having therapy, I hope that you will still find something here to help.

Supporting a teenager who is undergoing therapy can be crucial for their well-being. Here are some ways you can provide support:

Appreciating confidentiality

If I am working with your child, then our work together is confidential. These are general ethics in our profession. The only time I can break that confidentiality is if I suspect your child of hurting themselves, others, or about to commit a crime. This means that I don’t discuss therapy sessions with you, apart from things like payments and timings. However, if there is something I think you, as a parent, need to know, I strongly encourage your child to tell you. If this is difficult for them, there may well be some work around communication within a session. Alternatively, your child can request that you join us for the next session and we discuss it together.

Confidentiality is an important part of the therapy relationship. Your child needs to feel that they can bring anything to the table.

The other time I may discuss a child’s therapy is with my supervisor (again, this is common to all therapists) who is there to make sure I am practising soundly, safely and ethically.

Communicate

The best thing you can do is let your teenager or young person know that you are there if they want to discuss anything that may have come up in a session, but don’t push. You can ask now and again if they’d like to talk, but let them take the lead. If they don’t, respect their privacy and back off!

What do you need right now?

One thing I like to teach my clients is how to tune into their own needs. So, something you might do after a session is to ask them what they need right now? This could be space, a hug, a hot chocolate, for you to do something (like make an appointment with the school), or time to talk something through.

I would also encourage you and your child to leave some space, post-therapy session, for them to process what’s come up, rather than rishing back into the thick of things.

Take it slowly

Therapy can take some time, and it is a process of change. It’s important to be patient and supportive throughout their journey. With many teenagers and young people, it can take time for them to establish trust and feel safe with a counsellor. 

Learn about therapy

Different therapists have different approaches. Some encourage talking alone, others focus on early childhood and family relationships, and others are quite goal-focused, bringing in tools and exercises. It’s worth thinking about what type of counsellor would suit your child. I have many teenagers who are very interested in the psycho-education I use around how the brain works and how the chemicals it creates can influence our emotions. Likewise, when they understand how anxiety is a natural mechanism that keeps us safe, they can feel more in control. 

I use a mixture of all of the above processes, but at its heart I am solution-focused. This means that we work on making things feel better as soon as possible. I set homework, or experiments, in between sessions. These are small practical pieces of work to keep things moving forwards.

Learn about mental health

Read about what’s going on for them. If they are anxious, knowing about the mechanics of anxiety can help you understand their world, and what’s going on for them.

Attend Sessions (if asked)

I occasionally ask a parent into a session, or part of one, This is always in agreement or at the request of the child. It could be that we need the parent’s support for new behaviors the child wants to practise, or something has come up that they would like to talk about in my presence. It does not mean that anything is drastically wrong or that this is family therapy.

Encourage Consistency:

Even though these years are a time for finding selves and individuating from parents and carers, they still need all the help they can get with structure and a consistent routine. I have had parents swap shifts so they can get their children to sessions regularly and on time. Missing sessions sets us back and weakens the work. 

Cultivate a supportive home

It’s not wrong for some teenagers to crave attention (this isn’t a bad thing, we all need attention) and a sense of being looked after. This isn’t difficult to provide, but may involve looking at what added stressors can be removed from the home environment for the moment.

Help with the basics

It’s interesting how much a good night’s sleep, nutritious food, regular exercise and staying hydrated can improve mental health. This is something you can help promote, or even encourage. I’ve worked with teenaers who have asked their parents to sign them up for skateboarding or karate classes. This has helped promote physical health, a sense of achievement and improve social skills. Find out what your teenager enjoys and encourage it. 

Encourage a sense of control

Give your teenager a hand in deciding the therapist. Get them to decide on the dinner menu at home at least once a week. However, along with control comes responsibility, so encouraging this through jobs like taking the bins out and cooking once a week. Don’t under-estimate the importance of building self-esteem through achievement.

Watch, but don’t fuss

Do keep an eye out for any signs of crisis or deterioration in their mental health. If you notice concerning behaviour, reach out to their therapist, GP or mental health professional. Better still encourage them to do so and create a sense of autonomy and responsibility.

Nurture your relationship

As teenagers grow into young adults, your relationship can feel increasingly strained,or even non-existent at times. Don’t give up though! Spend quality time with your teenager. Even if this is playing X-box or silently watching a film together. Find out what they are interested in and at least learn a bit about it – you don’t have to go skateboarding with them but knowing the moves at least gives you some common language.

Building and maintaining a strong emotional connection can provide a buffer against life’s challenges. Likewise, tell them about the challenges in your own life, and how you overcame them, without preaching. Show them your own vulnerability. 

I work with teengers, young people and worried parents whose children are having therapy elsewhere. I see clients online and in Folkestone and Hythe in East Kent. Contact me or book a call for a 15 minute chat about how we could work together.

The post How To Support Your Child Through Therapy appeared first on The Good Therapy Practice.

I often get asked by parents who want to know why teenagers self-harm. I can give them a bit of a steer as to why, in general, teengagers self-harm, but every child is different. There are many reasons behind self-harming. It’s also important to remember that we all self-harm to some extent or other. Staying up late to binge watch that box-set when you’ve got an important meeting in the morning? That’s a form of self-harm. Failing to do any form of self-care? That’s a form of self-harm.  As is continuously being attracted to the wrong type of person, eating unhealthily, smoking, vaping…and the list goes on.

So, what do all these have in common? They all provide some type of relief in the short-term. That could be a sense of comfort, familiarity or even a feeling of switching off. These are, of course, on the milder end of the spectrum, but it’s useful to know that we all indulge in self-harming behaviours.  In the meantime, back to the teenagers and the reasons why they might be drawn to this behaviour.

It helps them cope with emotional pain

Teenagers may use self-harm as a way to cope with overwhelming emotions such as sadness, anger, anxiety, or frustration. It can serve as a temporary release from emotional pain. When we self-harm, it can lead to the release of endorphins, which are the body’s natural painkillers and mood elevators. This can create a temporary sense of relief and euphoria.

Seeking Attention or Help

In some cases, self-harm can be a way for teenagers to communicate their need for help or support when they find it challenging to express their struggles in other ways. It’s a shame that we so often dismiss this need for attention, as it’s an intrinsic human need. If someone needs attention, that surely is what we should be giving them, especially if they are self-harming to get it.

If communication skills are lacking, self-harm may serve as a visible expression of inner emotional turmoil. It can be a way for individuals to communicate their distress when words fail them.

Peer Pressure

Social pressure, bullying, or the desire to fit in can also be reasons your teenager might start to self-harm. If it is isolating being the only one who doesn’t do it, then why not try it, just this once?

Mental Health Issues

Issues such as depression, anxiety, or borderline personality disorder can contribute to self-harm. Addressing these underlying issues often results in this behaviour fading away. Engaging in self-harm can provide a distraction from overwhelming emotional pain. The focus on physical pain may divert attention from intense emotions, at least temporarily.

It gives a sense of control

For some, self-harm can provide a sense of control in situations where they may feel powerless or overwhelmed. The act of self-harm can be a way to regain a perceived sense of control over their own bodies and emotions.

Self-Punishment

In some cases, self-harm may be driven by feelings of guilt, shame, or self-loathing. The act of self-harm can serve as a form of self-punishment for perceived wrongs or failures.

It’s natural as a parent to be very worried if your child self-harms. If they have told you about it, that’s a good thing. It can serve as a starting point for conversations around the situations above, to help you and your teenager navigate this challenge. Working with a therapist can also be very useful, as they will create a safe, independent space where your child can feel heard and explore their feelings without worries around upsetting you.

I am happy to chat if you think or know that your child is self-harming. I can work with your teenager. If your teenager is getting support already, I also work with parents who perhaps need extra support through this difficult time. Please  contact me and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible, or you can book a Zoom session here. I see clients in person in Hythe and Folkestone, and also offer online and telephone sessions.

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I often speak to possible clients who ask me how does online therapy work, and does it work as well as in person counselling? While some of my clients are from Hythe or Folkestone, and come to see me in one of my consulting rooms, many are further afield and we work online.

A typical online counselling session

Previous to the session I’ll send you an email invite with the Zoom login details. At the set time we’ll both login and begin the session. Just like my face to face sessions, we will probably begin with taking measures. These are like scores where we look at specific things like your anxiety levels, needs or symptoms of trauma. We may take these every week, or every few weeks depending on the nature of our work together. Over the sessions, we can then plot your improvement and we can literally see, on a chart, the results of your therapy.

We’ll then move onto the main part of the counselling session. You may have or chose to set a goal to work towards and that session is devoted to that. Or, perhaps, something has happened in the last week that it’s important to bring to the session. This is your time. However, we will still be looking to work on what’s brought you here in the first place too!

We will wrap up just like a face to face to face session, looking at some homework and setting the date and time of our next session. I will then send that invite and zoom link to you.

What do you need for an online therapy session?

A quiet and comfortable place is the most important thing, along with an internet connection. That said, I have had clients who prefer the phone and we can always do that, or revert if we have connection issues. It doesn’t happen very often, but occasionally the tech gremlins pick on us.

It’s important to pick a place where you feel you can talk freely, and that you won’t be overheard. It also helps me to be able to see your face and shoulders. I may take you through how to position your laptop in the right place if necessary. Notifications should be off, especially if you’re using your phone, and ideally, you shouldn’t have to answer the doorbell or anything like that.

That said, life is life, and we work with what we have!

What’s so great about an online therapy call?

People sometimes worry that we won’t be able to make a connection, that it’s not as good as being in the same room. I haven’t found this, and many of my clients love its benefits. These include:

• No need to travel back and forth to the session
• You can build in downtime before and after the session to think about what’s come up
• If you’re anxious, you are in your own space
• No paying out for a commute, parking or the possibloe coffee and cake if you arrive early and need to occupy yourself
• Many people are very comfortable online now, and actively prefer this
• You can have your pet with you if it calms you and they are happy to sit quietly during the session.

I see my my own supervisor online and have found it very effective and practical.

Why not book yourself in for a no-obligation 15 minute chat to see what it’s like to work with me online? You can do that here.

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I recently worked with a number of young people on the government’s Kickstarter scheme. One of them is Elena Blidaru, who has very bravely volunteered to write here about living with anxiety and what she has found useful.

Elena’s Story of living with anxiety

Life has us going through different situations, and that’s okay. Feeling a little bit nervous is beneficial from time to time, but how does it affect someone when it’s all the time? For a long time, I didn’t even know I had been living with social anxiety my whole life. I brushed it off as just being shy, and I know I can’t be the only one. What helped me is knowing I wasn’t alone. I developed and looked for different little methods to get me a step closer to a healthier frame of mind.

Dealing with anxiety in daily life

Sometimes, funnily enough, your anxiety gives you anxiety. I’ve done my research: breathing techniques and meditation seem to have a positive impact on our bodies when symptoms of anxiety turn physical. A trick that really helps when I feel anxiety getting the best of me is to use the grounding technique. That means simply engaging all your 5 senses. This is useful for when you’re stressed, too!

I’ve realised that learning to cope with and understand anxiety is a tedious process. When you can’t overcome it on your own, first advice would be to seek a professional. As scary as it sounds, it’s the best way to take care of yourself and your mental health when things become overwhelming.

What’s the pandemic’s impact?

Well, the lockdown period was a dark time. For many of us it was a huge change. It took a huge toll on our mental health. Physical distancing and remote work (or no work) further amplified stress and anxiety levels, or even contributed in developing other whole new problems like substance abuse, trauma or depression. Do know that you are not alone and give it some time. What we are going through is a period of future history.

Anxiety at work

Anxiety and low self-esteem go hand in hand. Be proud of what you manage to do well at work, ask for feedback and don’t stress about every little thing that doesn’t go well. Most likely everybody at work has already forgotten about that little incident you keep ruminating on (or didn’t even notice it). Manage your negative thoughts: voluntarily thinking positive thoughts instead of worrisome ones can help reduce anxiety. A better outlook on yourself can only have a better result on your anxiety. Try to have positive monologues. Be present and try to forget about what others might think of you. No one is as big of a critic of yourself as you are!

Stress and anxiety at work also go hand in hand, and affects your performance. A few ways I’ve managed to deal with anxiety at work, be more confident in myself and reduce stress levels is to:

• Arrive there early – nothing else calmed me down for the day easier than being there 20 minutes earlier, having a chat over a proper cup of coffee before my shift started
• Acknowledge all colleagues – try it, it makes a huge difference. Ask easy questions, build connections and relationships with people at work, ask simple questions and be mindful of their presence on a daily basis. Remember to connect and reach out to them when needed
• Seek clarity – don’t feel bad asking questions, seek additional information when you are unsure of anything (in fact, most people feel good when answering a question they know the answer to)
• Know or find out: the expectations that the organization has of you, the responsibilities you hold, you must be clear on what your contribution must be. Know what and how much you can do at work, set realistic deadlines and don’t put pressure on yourself by keeping rather strict deadlines that tend to border on the unrealistic.

Finally…

Accept your feelings and bad emotions as they come, acknowledge them and let them go just the same way, without consuming yourself. Sometimes our biggest enemies are our anxious thoughts; we can’t stop them from coming, but we can remember that they’re exactly what they are…just thoughts!

Elena has dealt with anxiety through her own research and determination. However, if you’re really struggling with anxiety right now and would like some support, please do reach out and contact me.

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You might think that HRT, if it can help, would be a good thing.

As a therapist, and not a doctor, it’s not something I can advise upon. There’s a lot of evidence for the arguments of both sides of the coin. So much so that it can get downright confusing. Even many GPs aren’t as informed on the subject as we would hope them to be.

Talking about Menopause

It’s great that the subject of menopause has become much more acceptable to talk about. In my mother’s day it was whispered about (“oh, she’s going through the change”). Today, it’s openly discussed on everything from in the workplace to LinkedIn. This is good. Menopause can have a huge impact on so many aspects of a woman’s life. Once confident women report suddenly asking themselves, “where did she go?” as the ballsy woman they once were fades away.

High profile celebrities like Davina McColl and Carol Vorderman have been vociferous in coming out in favour of HRT. Waterstones’ shelves heave under new titles and it’s now no longer taboo. The downside of this, however, is that there is a lot of information out there to sift through.

For those with family or personal histories of breast cancer or deep vein thrombosis, the decision whether to use HRT can be agonising. They are literally adding up risks in their heads. Read something that says it will double your risk, will naturally send alarm bells off. Fear can take over.

The decision whether to use HRT is a very personal one. Then, once you’ve committed to that road, there could be a number of iterations of different treatments to find the one that is right for you.

Deciding whether to use HRT

What I can tell you from working with clients is:

• You need to find a GP who will take you seriously and is open to HRT. Some are not
• Reading about this yourself is the only way to understand what it means for you. Take responsibility and get yourself as educated as possible
• You can still listen to friends, but think for yourself
• HRT is not an excuse to eat badly, forget to exercise or look after yourself. You need to help your HRT do the work
• This is not a decision that is set in stone. If you go on HRT, you can come off it, if you wish. Likewise, you can swap medications, increase and decrease doses, or go private and get a more bespoke service if you have the cash

Resources to help you decide whether to use HRT

Here are some sites that I have found to be excellent resources on HRT.

Balance

An excellent look at the risks and benefits in a way that is easy to understand

Liz Earle Well-Being

A beautiful site that covers not only menopause but beauty and lifestyle features for any woman at this time of life.

Menopause Matters

A friendly forum that is supportive and often knowledgeable. Don’t make any changes to your dose or make decisions on this alone. Always consult your GP or private menopause consultant first.

Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine

Very informative if you have decided to stick with the natural route.

The NICE Guidelines

UK guidelines for GPs.

Menopausal not Mad

A pro-menopause group on Facebook. This would be more useful if you do decide to go this way, and want ideas and support approaching your GP, rather than help making a decision.

Therapy for menopause?

Many of the symptoms can also be helped through therapy, too, especially anxiety and sleep. If you’d like a no-cost chat to see if you’d like to work on them with me, contact me here

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If there’s one thing I always wanted to instil within my own children, it was a love of reading. I see reading as excellent self-care. Reading can transport you away from the stress and anxieties of daily life. With a good book, this can even happen within a couple of pages. For many, reading can be more accessible than meditation.  It may not produce those alpha or even theta brainwaves that are linked with meditation, but it has many benefits.

There are countless numbers of universes waiting to be discovered, all just by opening a book.

Too Stressed To Read?

First, just notice that very fact is telling you that something is wrong, and perhaps it’s time to do something about it. Is something in particular bothering you? Or are your anxiety levels just high all round? You can take action over a particular issues, talk it through with a friend or colleague, or up your levels of self-care and relaxing activities. If it feels too much, then talking it through with a counsellor, like myself, should help.

Nevertheless, perhaps there is some way you can still get some joy and relaxation out of reading. One idea is to swap books for nespapers or magazines, perhaps. Sometimes, this can work well. However, do be careful about what you read. Newspapers are often full of stories of death, tragedy and disaster, which may not be helpful at all.

Magazines can be more of an escape, but again do be careful. You will often see a lot of advertisers and journalists setting impossible standards. We are told to buy this, to look like this, to dress our homes like this. It’s often another pressure in our already pressured lives. Even if you think you’re immune, it can creep under your skin without you knowing.

Another idea is to change your genre. Perhaps you can’t cope with your usual modern classic at the moment, but you may be able to plough through a page-turning thriller or historical romance? Above all, I recomend Audible for my clients who are having a problem focusing on reading a book. It can be lovely being read to before you go to sleep at night. You can pass time on long journeys, and dip in while you are walking the dog. If you belong to a library, they have their own version too

Getting into the Habit

If you’d like to add reading to your self-care, it really helps to make it a ritual. Where could you read? In bed on a Sunday morning, or last thing at night?  In the bath?

The commute, of course, is another great time. Even if you don’t commute, you can use that same time to pick up a book. It’s about developing the reading habit and seeing how much enjoyment we can get.

You can even listen to Audible and combine it with getting some exercise on a walk or run!

Benefits of reading as self-care

The benefits of reading are huge. The enjoyment of reading a great story itself: something that is hard-wired into us all. It’s also the opportunity to learn about new places, people and cultures. Joining a book club, even online, is an easy way to find a community and connection. If you use Audible, you can listen with a partner, and discuss what you think as we you go along.

Should you read self-help books?

If you are finding this useful, and relaxing, then yes, or course. Whatever works for you. My main point is that clients read something that distracts and relaxes: something that helps them escape from whatever is causing them stress in their lives. For me, and many of my clients, it’s only fiction that does that.

Finally, reading can help with so many of our human needs. It can give us a sense of privacy, of escaping into our own private world. It can help us connect with others, providing fodder for conversations or introducing us to new friends through a book club. Reading to our children helps us focus our attention on them, a key need for them. I’ve known couple who read to each other, a lovely intimate thing to do. It can also provide us with a sense of achievement: that lovely feeling when you finish a book that you’ve really enjoyed, or even finally worked your way through Anna Karenina!

Have you noticed that you just can’t concentrate and are too stressed to read lately? Contact me to arrange a no-obligation call if you’d like to do some work to lower stress levels and get you back into reading again.

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The Good Therapy Practice offers counselling in Folkestone, Kent, as well as Hythe, and online via Zoom. Founder, Human Givens counsellor, business psychologist and coach, Paula Gardner, focues on solution focused counselling. This means that it’s all about where you are now, looking at ways to make you feel better as soon as possible. Her clients include both adults and children, and she also provides an in-house service for businesses wanting to offer support to staff who may struggling with life issues.

Counselling in Folkestone, Kent

Paula currently works from both Folkestone and Hythe in person. Additionally, she works online with clients from around the UK.

Walk and talk therapy

There is also the option of walk and talk therapy. Mental health is so positively affected by getting out in nature that it can be a really beneficial element of therapy. It can be a powerful ingredient in working with anxiety or depression. For anyone feeling overwhelmed or wanting to lose weight, it’s also a nice way to work towards stress relief and fitness too. The simple act of moving often helps things shift, and encourages creative thinking.

With all the beauty of its coastline, Folkestone is a lovely place to get out and experience walk and talk therapy. From the harbour to the sandy beach to beautiful parks, it has something to suit everyone. We can walk at a pace that suits you, from a gentle stroll to power walking!

Counselling issues

Paula works with many issues including depression, anxiety, stress and overwhelm, sleep issues, panic attacks, grief, addictions and alcholism, confidence and low self-esteem, relationship issues and decision making. She also helps clients with trauma, using a specific technique called Rewind that means that you don’t have to go through all the details of the trauma again. Clients find this gentle but effective.

Why Choose The Good Therapy Practice?

Of course, there are many options for counselling in Folkestone. Having run a previous PR and marketing business, Paula is especially adept at working with business owners, leaders and those suffering from stress and overwhelm. Her business pyschology and coaching background give her a variety of techniques and approaches to draw upon. Human Givens Therapy is now being taken up by Mind, and is a therapy of choice for for PTSD Resolution.

How to Book

You can book in a no obligation chat with Paula here, or email to set up an appointment.

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